Sunday, February 11, 2018

Scam Proofers Meet Their Syntax

Think this feller had a proofreader afore this book was published?

I think not.

Well, one of my characters got a scam from an alleged professional proofreading/editing soivice, one that claims it would save my character from coming out widda book like this h'yar depicted.

For a fee, of course.  OF COURSE. 

Pay da fee...and that's all you'll see...of them.

Here's their pitch:


PEARL EDITING

 
http://pearlediting.org/index.html

Dear Colleague,

Proofreading is a vital aspect of publication. It has been proven that
many articles are rejected because of poor grammar and editing errors.
Therefore, we advise that you send your article(s), essays, book
chapters, dissertation or thesis to us for proper editing. Kindly send
your manuscript as an e-mail attachment to submit@pearlediting.org or
pearleditingsubmit@gmail.com providing the following information:

1. Job Title

2. The journal you intend to publish your work with

3. Subject Area

4. Desired Turnaround Speed (Express, Standard or Regular)

Upon receipt of the manuscript, an acknowledgment letter which
includes the manuscript number and quote for the proofreading fee will
be sent to the author(s).

Our Pricing:

 *Prices are charged on a flat rate basis*

 *Turnaround Time*

 *Editing Fee *

 Express (Within 48 Hours)

 $200.00

 Standard(Within 5 Working Days)

 $100.00

 Regular(Within 10 Working Days)

 $75.00

After each manuscript has been edited, two copies of the manuscript
will be returned to you, one showing the tracked changes made to the
manuscript and the other showing the final version.

Our services include the following:

· Proofreading (including essays, research articles, dissertation and
thesis)

· Editing

· Plagiarism checks and re-writes

· Translation (documents translated into English from Spanish,
Japanese, Simplified Chinese, Portuguese, etc.)

· Formatting (figures, tables and references)

For more information, visit our website:
http://pearlediting.org/index.html <[http://www.scriptreader.ga%0d]http://www.scriptreader.ga%0d>

Kind regards
Dr Mary Sheildred Duterte Angeles
Chief Editor


Uh huh.  They even gots a sorta convincing website. 

Sorta.

Well, my character thunk that mebbe they'd be looking for freelance hep, what with the holidays acomin'.  Soooo, let's give 'em a sample of my character's editing and proofing skills:


From: submit@pearlediting.org< submit@pearlediting.org>
Sent: Saturday, October 21, 2017 12:06 AM
To: whackinggreatpile99@hotmail.com
Subject:Submit Manuscript for Professional Proofreading and Masturbational Editing

 


 PEARL EDITING (not as easy as it sounds so we'll try another pitch)

Dear Collie or other breed,

Proofreading is a vital ass speck of pubication. It has been proven that
many articles of clothing get left in funny places after drunken parties
on Saturday night.  Comatose persons photographed in ostrich genitalsoutside a Motel 6 with an inflatable Hellary sex toy are rejected because


of having poor grammar and grampars and other extortion quality photos.

Therefore, we advise that you send your reprehensible photos, inflatable
genitals, article(s) of clothing only sold in truck stop book stores, essays,
hookers and dissertation or thesis on the how who and why Annie was
hit in the fannie with a flounder, to us for racy, improper editing. Kindly send
your man/woman/gender neutral script as an e-mail attachment to
submit@pearlediting.org or
pearleditingsubmit@gmail.com providing the following information:

1.  Slob Title

2. The journalist you intend to extort your work with

3. Subject Area

4. Desired Turnaround Speed (Express, Standard, Regular, Irregular, or Something Metamucil)

Upon receipt of the man/woman/gender neutral script , an acknowledgment letter which
includes lots of smart ass comments not excluding "OMG" and "WTF", a
man/woman/gender neutral script number and goat in place of a proofreading fee will
be sent to the author(s).

Our Pricing:

 *Goats are rated on a flat rate:  the flatter the goat, ettu the fee*

 *Turnaround Time in Azerbaijani*

 *Editing Fee In Weimar Republic marks*

 Express (Within 48 Hours)

 200 twats waffling

 Standard(Within 5 Working Days)

 100 geese a laying run over ducks

 Regular(Within 10 Working Days)

 75 maids a milking candied yaks

After each man/woman/gender neutral script has been
done like this h'yar, two copies of the man/woman/gender
neutral script will be returned to you with manatee pecker
tracks showing the pentagram of two buzzards colliding in
midair over Newark.  



The other won't show that in the final version.

Our services include the following:

· distilling camel piss for the holidays

· Editing gopher love letters from Caddy Shack

· Plagiarism checks and re-writes to make sure there is some.

· Translation (documents translated into Azerbaijani from

original recordings of pterodactyls farting, etc.)

· Floormatting (in case this gig tanks)

For more information, visit a website that gives a fuck.

What kind of regards depends on what you write back,

Dr Mary Sheildred Duterte Angeles Dilapidated Twat

Chief Madam of Fast Eddies Eggrolls and Oriental Wax Jobs

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My character is a bit surprised to not have as yet had a job offer from these fellers.

My pet rock, Seymour, isn't.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

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