Ya Think?

After receiving a scam email -- and sending it back to the scammer edited -- the scammer had the most "Well, DUH!!" of responses:

that not my email?  

He really HAD to ask that?

Here's how it went.  First, his original scam email:

 

Attention :The Beneficiary

In conformity with the determined interest of this new democratic Government to offset all outstanding foreign contract indebtedness. In accordance with our new improved foreign contract payment policy as stated in the foreign contract payment act of 1979 and amended in the debt servicing act of 1999 to expedite the immediate settlement of all out standing contract

accrued interest payment under the Federal Ministry of aviation and NNPC.We are glad to inform you that your contract accrued interest Part-payment  has been approved by the Ministry (FMF & PTF ONDEBT PAYMENT) as stated in the attached letter with the

approved International Payment Voucher Number :( FMF/CBN/NNPC/BOA-93WB82UN567-G); Therefore, you are advice as a matter of urgency

to contact this committee approved Fiduciary Agent, for immediate release of your FUND with the below contact information.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Mrs. Chioma michael

Dirctor:interbank Accredited  Fiduciary

PHONE:+(190)8652-4194

E-MAIL:chiomsmichaelinter.bank@yahoo.com

E-MAIL:chiomsmichaelinterbank@aol.com

This mode of payment is designed by the government to avert fraud perpetration or stoppage of funds transferred by some agencies either through Anti Terrorist Certificate or other certificates requirements. It was after our extensive close door meeting with Board of Directors and with Mr. President and other Stake holders in the government, sub-committees of the

Senate and the House of Rep. Federal Republic of Nigeria and the Federal Ministry of Finance.

This OFFICE hereby uses this medium to congratulate you and heart fully thank you for your patience and understanding during all this years of delays on your fund.always keep us inform what ever your out come with Mrs. Chioma michael

Thanks for your co-operation.

Yours faithfully,

Dr.s.jerry williams (Director-General)

Debt Management Office & Chairman

Presidential Task Force on Debt Payment

Federal Republic of Nigeria 

 

That's what it looked like upon arrival h'yah.  That ain't how it looked upon reply back th'yah:

 

 

From: Dr. Rev. Capt. DoucheNozzle.jerry williams <roger.horley@btinternet.com>
Sent: Thursday, March 30, 2017 5:51 AM
Subject: Dr. Rev. Capt. DoucheNozzle.jerry williams

 

Attention:  

In disformity with the mental dysentery raging through this new dumbasscrapic Government to offset all outstanding foreign contract indebtedness, it is the diversifried opinion of a panel of fine young cannibals that in discordance with our new unproved foreign contract  payment policy scam that we're trying out in the foreign contract payment act of 1979 (and amended in the debt servicing act of 1999 -- we're  slow to getting to sh*t like this) -- we are no longer running a two for one burrito lunch special at any of our Cannibalized Not-So-Fast Juan Mexican restaurants here in Lagos because of overdemand with no appreciation for the afteraffects of said culinary item to the ecological status of our outdoor outhouses. 

This be the ruling from our Federal Ministry of aviation and NNPC and in that we are adamant.  Just take our word that something like this WOULD fall under those ministries.

We are glad to inform you that you have been approved by other assorted ministries (FMF & PTF & OMG & WTF, et al) as stated in the single and unattached letter with the as yet unapproved International Penile Implant Voucher Number :( FMF/CBN/NNPC/OMG/WTF/EUNUCH567-G).

Therefore, you are advice as a matter of urgency to collect a week's worth of your feces, hermetically seal it, and send it to the DNC in Washington DC.  They themselves aren't running short -- indeed, they have enough for perpetuity -- but they can never have too much.

CONTACT INFORMATION

(we now indulge in something totally unrelated to the above, as somewhere above we seriously digressed from the original template):

Mrs. Piranha Clitoris Uterine Inflammation

Directum:  Interbank Accredited  Reproductives

PHONE:+(190)8652-4194

E-MAIL:  chiomsmichaelinter.bank@yahoo.com

E-FEMAIL:  chiomsmichaelinterbank@aol.com

E-GENDERNEUTRALMAIL:  ..uh, we ain't got that one working yet..

This mode of ala is designed by the government to avert fraud perpetration in desserts.  Some agencies around here are pretty suck ass in that regard.  They even go so far as to require...get this...an Anti Dessert Terrorist Certificate or other certificates not yet made up requirements.

It was after our extensive close door meeting with a collection of Third World asshats and ther Stake holders in the government, sub-committees of the Senate and the House of Rep. Federal Republic of Nigeria and the Federal Ministry of Finance, that we concluded that this email is full of sh*t and therefore DNC qualified and approved.

This OFFICE hereby uses this double extra large (we've seen the people of Walmart pictures) to congratulate you and thank you for not questioning the abject stupid sh*t this email is full of during all this years of delays on your genital fungus removal procedures.

Thanks if you're still reading and believing one word of this.

Dr. Rev. Capt. DoucheNozzle.jerry williams (Directum-Genital)

Debt Mismanagement Office & Chairdouche

Presidential Task Farce on Nothing Useful

Federal Repugnant of Nigeria  

 

I cannot, for one, possibly see how the scammer could have questioned that the immediate above didn't resemble his original...can you?

Who Let The Dawgs Out

It's bad enough someone let that dawg anywhere.

But even that dawg couldn't believe a scammer from Benin -- Bannister Effiong George -- could be led down a road so Carl Spackler-d.

First, the scam opening:


FROM EFCC BENIN VICTIMS COMPENSATION PROGRAMME UNIT IN CONJUNCTION
WITH OFFICE OF THE SECRETARY TO THE GOVERNMENT OF THE FEDERATION.

Budget Office of the Federation (Federal Ministry of Finance)

Dear Approved Beneficiary,

We write to inform you that, the presidency, economic and financial  crimes commission, federal ministry of ministry of finance, foreign  operations unit of central bank of Benin, Benin police force, special  fraud investigation unit, US department of the treasury, U.S. National
central bureau of Interpol, FBI, U.S. Secret service, us diplomatic  mission in Benin republic, in alliance with united nations delegates  have been working towards the eradication of Internet Fraud in western  part of Africa.

Sequel to our comprehensive investigations, we have so far recovered  so much money from these Cyber criminals which is over  ($81,375,000.00) EIGHTY ONE MILLION, THREE HUNDRED & SEVENTY FIVE  THOUSAND US DOLLARS. The United Nation Anti-Corruption Commission and  the (EFCC) Ghana and Benin have ordered that, the money recovered from  these Cyber fraudsters (SCAMMERS) must be shared among 1st batch of 53
Victims of this menace, whom we have their emails and contacts in our  Database here in Ghana, Nigeria and Benin.

This email is been directed to you because your email address was  found in one of the scam Artist's file and computer hard disk in our  custody here in Benin therefore, qualified you for this UN Assisted  compensation Program. We have approved to pay each of the victims we
have their e-mail addresses the sum of US$1,535,000.00.

 (he goes on with further drivel, then starts to get to what it is he's after)


We demand in line with the fiscal Regulatory policy, the only STATUTORY FEE you  are required to pay is the compulsory Economic Recovery Levy/Payment  Authorization Mandate (Judicial Endorsement/Registration) of $278.00  only.

Be aware that the courier delivery charges has been paid on your  behalf by the government and shipment shall commence as soon as we  hear from you, so you are advised to copy the below receiver's details  to locate western union or money gram around you to send the $278 and  you shall get your Card within 24hrs and no hidden fee.

Receive Name:.LAWRENCE OBI
Country:. Benin Republic
City. Cotonou
Text Question:. When
Answer: . Urgent
Amount . $278usd

Therefore we demand that get in touch with us with the payment right now if you are  ready to receive the compensation fund. You are under obligation to  follow the demands we handed down to the courier guiding this payment.

May God be with you Amen?

Kind regards,

Signed. . . .
Mr.Michael Ibeto (Secretary General).
Executive Chairman (EFCC).
Email(barrgeorge1990@gmail.com)  


They "demand" my character do this?  Further, it doesn't appear that they're sure that -- or want God -- to be with me, amen?

If demands is what they know, demands is what they get:

Before I can comfortably send $278 to your contact, I demand that you'll do something for me first. 

That gets this response:
 

We write to inform you that, We received your message and the content  is well understood,So without wasting any of our time what is your  demand and again i want to let you know that the only assurance i can  be giving to any one is my words and i so much believe in that my  word,

Be aware that the courier delivery charges has been paid on your  behalf by the government and shipment shall commence as soon as we  hear from you, so you are advised to copy the below receiver's details  to locate western union or money gram around you to send the $278 and  you shall get your Card within 24hrs and no hidden fee.

Receive Name:.LAWRENCE OBI
Country:. Benin Republic
City. Cotonou
Text Question:. When
Answer: . Urgent
Amount . $278usd

Therefore we demand that you get in touch with us with the payment right now if you are
ready to receive the compensation fund. You are under obligation to  follow the demands we handed down to the courier guiding this payment.

May God be with you Amen?

He's still not sure about that.

Now we find out if Bannister Effiong George has ever seen Caddy Shack:

My demand:

bark like a dog for me.  Bark like a dog.  You do that, I'll wire you the money.  

 

You'd think we're done...but we're not:

 

 

what is this? 

 

 

It's simple:  bark like a dog for me.  Bark...like...a...dog.  

 

What kind of jest is this?  I am a serious barrister and demand that you stop this and just do as you have been instruct.  Time is not on your side.  

 

 

It is no jest.  You want the $278, you will meet MY demand and bark like a dog for me.  And time IS on my side; I have a pocket watch.   Nyah.  

 

 

stop writing fool  

 

 

I didn't once write "fool".  I'm still waiting for you to bark like a dog for me.  Bark like a dog.  I will teach you the meaning of respect.  

 

 

But and alas, Bannister Effiong George wants to play with my character no mores.

 

He must have looked up Carl...

 

 

 

Postcards From Beyond The Gender

Ol' Meryl, just shortly before she went Trumpadoodle at some dink awards ceremonkey out in Hollywad.

Email conversations with email scammers can take a number of different turns.  Some can go on for months, even years.  Others...eh...not so long.

They usually hinge on one common theme:  money.  The transfer of. 

But they can unhinge in a hurry, as did the following one.

It started simply enough.  Maria Moore -- who became Elizebeth Hammers before she brought a third name into the game -- contacted my character about a fund transfer and a fee that had to be paid before the fund transfer could take place.  The old "pay me a few hundred for you to get a few million" ploy so in vogue in Scamland. 

That was the game.  Her goal:  to get my character to wire her $750.  If I did that, she *won*.

Here's how the *game* isn't supposed to be played (according to her and her peers); note that her emails are in bold and my character responds in italics: 


Below are their contact details.... now E-mail them immediately and ask> about item code: "9864543/pending/delivery" by me.
>
> Company Name: Excel Global Courier Service
> Contact Person: ELIZABETH HAMMERS
> Email: elizebethhammers002@gmail.com
>
> Thank you very much for your zeal to assist me then. Let friendly love
> continue! I'm off....Take care and God bless. so feel free to get in
> touch with them. Pls pray for our safe trip. Please note that the
> courier company don't know anything about the hiding money in the
> laptops, don't ever disclose it to them.
> > Mrs Maria Moore  


You're German?  Okay...that's the only thing I know about you.  


Thanks for your swift response because i am already at my airport now. I want you to get this box today so that i can face other jobs. Mrs
Maria Moore instructed me to deliver immediately. i will  be in in your
area this night

Pls be at home. MARIA paid me for delivery and that is why i am paying
for all these things. However. maria left that box for few days at
this airport cargo dept and it has accumulated a demurrage fee and
customs clearance fee now. Is a small fee anyway. That will be a
little delay because i have paid
for other things like yellow tag, insurance, permit etc. I am financially
down now I know She must have TOLD you about it because she is
absolutely aware. You can reach her on wilieburs2431@gmail.com

You will send the fee down here before i can board the flight. Like i
said...is just a token fee. Is not much at all. That is my delay now.
She is aware of that because i told her as well. She is in China now.
Try and send the fee now so that I will come .MAKE SURE
YOU ARE AT HOME TO RECEIVE THE BOX BECAUSE I CANT GIVE IT TO ANOTHER
PERSON.The fee is $750.Use money gram to send the fee.Send your house
address and your phone number to me.Scan your passport or any of your
id and send it to me.


Pay To

NAME:HELENA BEASLEY
ADDRESS:MISSOURI U.S.A
Question. Color
Answer. Yellow

Send to HELENA BEASLEY. No other person.

Send it today and send the details to me.

waiting for your mail now.  


I'm confused.  You're the courier, but I'm supposed to send money to someone in Misery?  Please explain.  


She is our staff in charge of receiving money.as soon as you send the
money as soon as she receive it she will come and meet me with the
money so that i will pay the fee to them and come and meet you with
your box.Go and send the money now and scan the payment slip and send
it to me.  


Why doesn't your courier meet me at the airport and collect the monkey herself?  Why do you need a middleperson of dubious antegenderence?  


She is in charge of receiving money in our company.GO and send the fee now.  


Why isn't it more convenient to simply give the money to the courier when she makes delivery?  


I have to pay the demurrage fee and customs clearance fee before your
box will come out from the airport before i will come and meet you
with your box.If you are ready to see me with your box go and send the
fee now.When you deliver the box to me -- as in hand it to me -- I will put the $750 in your hand.  That's called "good business".  


Your box can not come out from the airport with out pay the fee to
them.Send the fee so that i will pay them and come and meet you.You
are not sending it for my own use.As soon as i pay them you will see
me in your house with your box.I did not ask you to give me any money
if you give me any money if my company know i will lose my job and go
to jail.Do you went me to go to jail?Go and send the money today and
send the payment slip to me.

Pay To

NAME:HELENA BEASLEY
ADDRESS:MISSOURI U.S.A
Question. Color
Answer. Yellow

Send to HELENA BEASLEY. No other person.

Send it today and send the details to me.

waiting for your mail now.


Mrs Hammers  

You mean that a COD arrangement is not workable in this situation?  

 

 

I can not understand you by cod arrangement.Send the fee so that i
will pay them and come and meet you.  

COD stands for Cash On Delivery.  


Send the fee stop delaying so that i will pay them and come and meet
you with your box.  

Don't get uppity with me!  Cross that courtesy line again and I'll tell you what you can do with that box!   I happen to be someone that likes to ask questions and get things done my way.  If they can't be done my way, I appreciate courteous explanations, and not petulant snot-nosed responses.  So knock off the indignation and this can get done.  

I wish you happy new year  


And to your snot nosed self too.  

Nice to hear from you this new year.I hope you are ready to receive
your package this year?Reply back.  

Back  


The fee is $750  so let me know how much you have so that i will know
what to do to help you so that we can pay the fee to them and come and
meet you.  


I have that much.  


I can not understand you by that.  


What can't you understand by that?  


When are you sending the fee?  


As soon as I can arrange it.  


Give me the date you will send it.  


1/9/17  


Ok send the $750 on 1/9/2017.Use money gram to send it.As soon as i
pay the fee to them i will come and meet you with your  package.Send
your phone number and your house address to me again.Scan your
passport or any of your id and send it to me so that as soon as i meet
with you i will know that you are the person to meet with.

Pay To

NAME:HELENA BEASLEY
ADDRESS:MISSOURI U.S.A
Question. Color
Answer. Yellow

Send to HELENA BEASLEY. No other person.

Send it today and send the details to me.

waiting for your mail now.


Mrs Hammers  



How are you today i hope you are in good health?I hope you are sending
the $750 on tomorrow?.  


I am thundering ducky, M'am.  Yes, I know tomorrow is January 9.  I have a calendar and know how to use it.  

Send the money tomorrow and scan the payment slip and send it to me.As
soon as i pay them you will see me.  

What do you mean, "you will see me"?  

As soon as you send the money as soon as i pay them i will come and
meet you with your package that what i mean.Go and send it now and
send the payment slip to me.  

I thought you were shipping me the money, not bringing it.   Sending it or bringing it?  I need to know if I need special preparations or something.  Not sending the fee until you reply.  


Send the  demurrage fee and customs clearance fee of $750 now so that
i will pay them and come and meet you.  


So you are coming here, not sending the money.  That's what I needed to know.  


Yes as soon as you send the demurrage fee and customs clearance fee of
$750 now.I will pay the fee to them and come and meet you with your
package.I need your house address and your phone number again.Scan
your passport or any of your id and send it to me so that as soon as i
meet with you i will know that you are the person to meet with.Use
money gram to send the fee now.

Pay To

NAME:HELENA BEASLEY
ADDRESS:MISSOURI U.S.A
Question. Color
Answer. Yellow

Send to HELENA BEASLEY. No other person.

Send it today and send the details to me.

waiting for your mail now.


Mrs Hammers  

My address is:

*** ******* Street   Central City CO 80427  

 

 

Ok i received your address.Send your phone number and your id to
me.Attach is my id again for you to know me.Send the $750 today and
scan the payment slip and send it to me as soon as i pay them you will
see me in your house today.

Pay To

NAME:HELENA BEASLEY
ADDRESS:MISSOURI U.S.A
Question. Color
Answer. Yellow

Send to HELENA BEASLEY. No other person.

Send it today and send the details to me.

waiting for your mail now.


Mrs Hammers   (and she includes her alleged ID)

That's a man's picture on your ID.  What are you, a trans?  


Please is me not a man.How can i sent a man picture to you.Go and send
the fee and you will see me today.Send your phone number to me so that
i will call you if i miss my way to your house.  


Are you in Denver CO already?  And are you sure that's not a man's picture?  


The id i sent to you is my id if you are sending the fee today let me know.  


I want to know if you are a woman that looks like a man or a man that is portraying a woman.  Just who the f**k am I sending $750 to???  

(after a day with no reply)


Since you didn't reply, I guess that you ARE a man and not who you claimed to be.  Good thing I saved my $750, eh?  Tell Helen to get her an authentic associate and mayhaps we can try this again.  But for gawd sakes, if you're going to be a woman, for f**k sake get a picture that LOOKS LIKE ONE.  


If you are ready to see me with your box go and send the $750 now and
send the payment details to me so that i will pay them today and come
and meet you.  

Is Helena Beasley a woman?  I am a lonely bachelor.  Just sayin'.  

Yes she is a woman.Send the fee and send the details.  


Have her send me her picture.  If she does, I will send her double the $750.  


I am not joking with you if you are ready send the fee or i will ask
the airport agent to send your package to FBI as on clam.  

If you send the package to the FBI as "on clam" as you say, why would the FBI give a damn about it?  They're busy trying to figure out if you're a woman or a man that was hacked by the Russians.  

If Helena Beasley is an attractive woman -- and I need a picture to prove it -- I will send her $1500.

When you are ready to receive your package you send the $750 i have no
time to west with you again.  

So you're NOT going to send me a picture of Helena Beasley, you're NOT going to prove you're a woman and you're NOT going to get a spell check program that works?

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

No soup for you!  

I find it amusing that you'd forego a bonus of $750 in addition to the regular $750 just because I wanted a picture of Helena Beasley to confirm that she's a real woman...which we've clearly established that you're not.  

If you are ready to receive your box go and send the fee so that i
will pay them and come and meet you.I am not sending any picture to
you,Your work is to send the fee and her work is to receive the fee.  


No, your work is to facilitate the making of the payment and by getting me what I ask is facilitation of that payment being made.  You're not facilitating.  


If you are ready you send the fee you are not sending it for my own
use.As soon as you send it i will pay them and come and meet you.You
have nothing do with her id.I am going to Canada by Friday for deliver
this person have sent his own fee and he did not ask for any id.Go and
send the fee now so that i will pay them and come and meet you.  


Your obstinence isn't because you're jealous of Helena because SHE looks like a woman and YOU don't, is it?  Is that why you're holding up this deal?  I'm telling you....send me a picture of Helena Beasley and I'll double the payment.  


Go and send the money you have nothing to do with her picture.  


It most CERTAINLY has to do with her picture!!  Your obstinence has managed to make this a personal quest, a mission, a goal.  Show me a picture of Helena Beasley and if she's a babe I send $1500.  


This her address yu can go and meet her in person.

ADDRESS:CITY OF LOUIS CITY HALL
1200 MARKET STREET SAINT LOUIS,MO 63103 MISSOURI U.S.A

If you are ready you send the fee.  


(a search of the address she sent me suggests it's the Assessor's Office for St. Louis County)

I didn't ask for her address.  READ AND COMPREHEND:  I ASKED FOR HER PICTURE.  $1500 is on the line.  Do you enjoy FAILING?  Follow instructions or risk FAILING.   On top of that, Maria Moore/Elizebeth Hammers, you're an IDIOT.  That is NOT a residential address.  It's a f**king GOVERNMENT OFFICE.   Either I get a photo of Helena Beasley or you DON'T GET a FEE PAYMENT.

You are cramping this deal with your lack of cooperation.

Go and send the money is you are ready.  

You are NOT paying attention.  Are you not able to tell a twat waffle iron from a toaster?  


I am paying attention so just send the fee as soon as i pay them you
will see me.  


Don't WANT to see you, Mister; I want to see Helena!   I have $1500 here.  It gets sent when I see a picture of Helena Beasley, and she doesn't look as manly as you do.  


shut up and stop email you basterd  


Ah, so you AREN'T a woman and you ARE jealous of Helena.  *WHOOOSH*...know what that was?  That was $1500 USD passing you by because YOU decided to stick with what was behind Door #1 and didn't choose what was behind Curtain #3.  You should have complied and taken the twat waffle iron.  


I SAID STOP!!!!!!!!  


Is that an acronym?  What does it mean?  Just because you're male and jealous of Helena doesn't mean you can't get a twat waffle iron from behind the right door or curtain.  *WHOOOSH*...was that the $1500 passing you by again?  Let me check....yawp.  It was.  


After that, Maria Moore/Elizebeth Hammers won't play no mores.  Guess he really WAS jealous of Helena Beasley.  Not sure why:

Oh Mein Gott!

Meet Willis.

The whyfor you meet Willis will become evident soon.

Scammers never know, when they reach the mailbox of one of my characters, just what to expect in return.

I don't often know myself.

But if the reply is decomposed before I've had that first cup of coffee, it's bound to be...strange.

So it went for this scammer with one of those overseas ATM scams.  Here's the gist of it:


THE FEDERAL MINISTRY OF BUREAU
FUND INVESTIGATION
ADDRESS: 53, BOULEVARD SAINT
 B.P. 06-2650 Cotonou
phone number: +22968775110, +22965299861
EMAIL: frecoveryministry@gmail.com

attention dear beneficiary!

This is to officially notify you about your Fund that was suppose to
be rendered to you via numerous ways i.e, Courier Companies, Western
Union Money Transfers, and Banks wire transfer. Due to this lost of Funds of
ours
which was suppose to be given to you but failed to. So in this case, a
beneficial meeting was held on the January 12 2017 at the ministry of
bureau investigation, which the top officials of the ministry & govt
were present at the meeting, Which they discussed on how clients Fund
could be release to them without any lost at this time because we have
experience a lot difficulties in delivery of large fund in past couple
of years.

Be informed that you have to stop any further communication with any
other (s) or office(s) to avoid any hitches in receiving your ATM
payment. In conclusion at the meeting, The ministry board of trustees
and executives signed the authorization of payment to 6 Banks in the
World to deliver all individuals beneficiary Funds through courier
companies or through diplomats direct delivery.

 Your Fund which is truly $10.5 Million USD (Ten Million, Five Hundred
Thousand United States of America Dollars) which was listed among the
list of beneficiary list to be paid among all other beneficiaries in
various countries in the world to be paid via ATM MASTER CARD.  


It goes on to list an assortment of scam banks, and scam options for my character to pay a fee to get the ATM card.

Uh huh.

Vell...das ugly hundsfott what started this post and some of his/her/its peers and collies worked their way into this edit.  Which is probably why I should never do this without coffee first:


THE FEDERAL MINISTRY OF BUREAU
FUND INVESTIGATION
ADDRESS: 53, BOULEVARD SAINT
 B.P. 06-2650 Cotonou
phone number: +22968775110, +22965299861
EMAIL: frecoveryministry@gmail.com

Achtung Du Hundsfott

This is to officially notify you about your hund that was suppose to not be schiessen on das flower bedts undt schtuff of the Courier Companies, Western  Union Money Transfers, and Banks wire transfer. Due to this lost of bowel control by your hund which was suppose to be controlled but failed to. So in this case, a meeting was held on the March 12 2017 at the kaneinen ministry of bowwowensee investigation, vhere das the top officials of the ministry & govt vere present at
das meeting, where they discussed on how to put a schtop to your hund bowel movementing on the verdammen flower bedts undt schtuff.

Be informed that you have to stop any further visitation mid your hund undt our flower bedts undt schtuff to avoid any hitches, glitches sons of bitches undt any udder schtuff dat vill resulten in your hund's actions undt schtuff.  You hast no idea how hardt it is to write das email like this vhen your hund is schiessen undt pizzin undt schtuff all over da place.  Da poo is miswatten.  Ve have das poopen undt pizzen all over das place.

 Your hund which has done this 10.5 million times over das years was listed among the top 100 bad hundsfotts in das neighborhood.  Das ist neinen das place fer das hund to be listed undt schtuff.   Below are the other plazes dat your hund has schissen undt pizzen to excessen:

Daiwa Bank®/Osaka/Japan.
......................................
Caja De Madrid/Madrid/Spain.
.......................................
Lloyds Bank®/London/England.
.......................................
UBA Bank® Plc/Benin Republic.
......................................
Banco di Santo Spirito/Rome/Italy.
........................................
Bank of New York Mellon Corp/New York/USA.
........................................


Vort das fork ist du thinking?  Letting your hund run wildt like dat?  Du vill hencefifth restricten undt keepensee your hund on your own properties vhen he/she ist in das mooden to schiessen undt pizzen. 

Provide those limits belowensee:


Your Full Name........................
Country/Your Address..............
Occupation...............................
Contact Home/Cell Phone.........
Age/Sex of your hund: ..................................
A Scan Copy of your hund zo ve can ID das rascal undt schtuff.......

NOTE: if this ist a photo of your hund, das ist vun buttensee ugly hund.

 

 

 

Any fines du are assessed fer das hund's badt behavior undt lack of das respected fer our properties undt schtuff, vill need to be paid to das following dumkopf:

name:Martin Chuma
amount: see below
country to send it: Benin republic
question: WTF
answer: Your Hund TF


Please make a Choice of which fine amount you owe fer das badt behavior of your hund as they are as charged Below;

Pizzen on das flower bedts undt schtuff fee: $150.00

Schissen on das flower bedts undt schtuff fee: $175.00

Pizzen undt schissen on das aforementioned schtuff fee: $190.00

Both Vun undt Two midde digging up das flower bedt undt schtuff fee: $191.00 

Pizzen undt schissen on das DNC membership:  PRICELESS

Pleaze attendt undt get wid dis matter soonest undt iffen not more soonesterer.  Das ist gudt, ja.


Awpeterstain undt nothing removing it zo far,
Mrs ANN CLEMENT
Director of Bitching About Neighborhoodt Hundsfotts
Disrespecting das bureau ministry.



I've had no follow up from the aforementioned bureau.  The ASPCA might be calling me about lumping dogs in with the last two mongrels.

Meh.

Without A Side of Flies

The Supreme Court of Benin says that my character is due money.

Uh huh.

Here's how they come to say that:


FROM SUPREME COURT OF BENIN REP BRANCH:
OB/OP/1234 PLOT AKPAKPA, COTONOU BENIN REPUBLIC. OUR
REF.CODE:BSEL/773/AWN/021/ 09
Phone;+229 62426638,

ATTENTION , You Are Expected To contact, Chief peter mohammed
COLISTO, +229 62426638,

Please my dear the entire Supreme Court Of Benin Republic are here to
make it to be clear to you that there was a case that
we  have been handling here since concerning your funds  because we
got some reports that you did not received your funds
since after every story you have being hearing regarding the funds and
all types of payments you have be paid to receive the
funds but none is received by you. And we are here to know the truth
because the person that is in charge of the transaction
said in this court here that you have received and confirmed to him
that you received your funds and we are here to hear the
truth from you.
Please here bellow is what we want you to answer to us to enable us to
handle this case normal the reporter said it has been
done to you.  


It went on to list some scam characters and to instruct my character how to respond to get his money.

Uh huh.

Since the email came from the Supreme Court of Benin, "Supreme" had to weigh into the edit:


From: FROM BURRITO SUPREME OF BENIN <unionw591@yahoo.com>
Sent: Sunday, October 23, 2016 6:09 PM
Subject: PLEASE CONTACT THE PERSON IN CHARGES OF YOUR ORDER WITH ABOVE EMAIL.  

FROM BURRITO SUPREME OF BENIN REP BRANCH:
OB/OP/1234 PLOT AKPAKPA, COTONOU BENIN REPUBLIC. OUR
REF.CODE:BSEL/773/AWN/021/ 09
Phone;+229 62426638,

ATTENTION , You Are Expected To place order via Chef peter mohammed
COLOSTOMY, +229 62426638,

Please the entire Burrito Supreme Of Benin Republic are here to
make it sorta kinda just the way you order it, to be clear to you that there

was a tostada, jalapeno muchaco, taco extreme and a flaming

pepper sopapilla that we  have been handling here since your initial order

because we got some reports that you did not received your order
since after every story you have being hearing regarding some of our

dipsh*t employees selfie-ing themselves licking the ingredients or

rubbing them on their bared behind while prepping your order.

And we are here to know the truth
because the person that is in charge of the peculiar Taco

Blowout franchise in Benin said in this court here that you have

received and confirmed to him that you received your order and we

are here to hear the truth from you.

Please to believe that we can handle the truth as well as a smothered

chimichanga.

Please here bellow is what we want you to answer to us to enable us to
handle this order no less abby normal the reporter said it has been
done to you and in such manure as it was rumored on Wikileaks.


(1)Do you receive any order from this persons Mr.Godwin emerah,
mrs.jenifer willie and Rev Godwin peter, Mr christ herbert and Mr
mattew paul,E.T .C?

(2)If you do receive order from any of them, did it arrive timely, intact

and how much?

(3)From which specific Taco Blowout in Benin did you order?

(4)Did you order the Montezuma's Revenge Red Plate Special?

(5)In which date ............................. ....

(6)YOUR PHONE NUMBER....................

(7) What was YOUR OCCUPATION an hour after eating the order if received?

(8)Copy of your stool sample

(9)YOUR COUNTRY..............

Please we advise you to go direct to this question above and answer us
immediately because we want to get the truth and at
this time if you don't receive your order, that means it's still here,

decaying and attracting flies, monkeys, army ants and reporters from

cnn looking for one of our waitresses that Trump allegedly fondled

in 1975.

According to the instruction of this Burrito Supreme Of ACOWSASS --

only the bestest ingredients for our crap -- in this  Country Benin

Republic because we have been receiving news from your Government

that our Government did not donate enough to the Clinton Crimedation

and now there are pictures out there of us leaving a Motel 6 at 3AM

with an inflatable sex yak which we were sexting to Anthony Weiner

because Russians hacked our file on Hellary's primate server.

Faith it's a strange world when you come down from hallucinogens.

 We are going to handle at once and we need your reply so that we can

get the truth and at this time your government is hiding that from you

because a taco is deemed culturally and sexually insensitive and the

mere mention of this sent 500 students at Yale to crawl into balls

in their safe zone and demand inflatable Debbie Wasserman Schultz

punch dolls to cuddle up with while they eat cupcakes and clean their

fouled panties.

So please it that you cooperate with the bellow person and stop any

prank phone calls to Papa Ukulele Ungabunga's Pizza 'n Missionary

Body Parts asking to speak with Myra Manes.

You doof.

Do this now so that we can know how to
handle this order and your government will stop
questioning us about your order and how it is making

for a testimonkey here.

PLEASE CONTACT THE PERSON IN CHARGES OF YOUR ORDER WITH ABOVE EMAIL.

Thanks.
Best Regard.
Chef peter mohammed,
FROM BURRITO SUPREME BENIN REPUBLIC,
Phone;+229 62426638  

 

The scammer was not to be heard from again; then again, he may be trying to establish a franchise for this.

 

Legends Of The Farce

Benin -- a *thing* located geogiraffically in West Africa, heart of online Scamland -- has a police farce.

Witness their proof:


BENIN POLICE FORCE
FRAUD/CONTRACT AND IDENTITY THEFT INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT
OFFICE OF THE INSPECTOR GENERAL OF POLICE
COMMAND FORCE HEADQUARTERS
LOUIS EDET HOUSE CENTRAL BUSINESS DISTRICT
COTONOU BENIN

Attn: My Dear

We received an instruction memo and letter few days ago from the New York Police Department in America that your consignment box was freight by UPS diplomat Courier Company was stopped by the United States Joint Patrol Team in the Transport and Security Administration Department, the letter also made us to understand that your consignment box is due for urgent repatriation back to Africa yesterday, however as I write you now the consignment box has your particulars as evidence of proof of ownership, and it was returned back to Africa early hours of today, and was deposited to my station.

This notification letter report is based on the returned of your consignment box,and you are urgently advise to give urgent attention to this development, Well, I have also contacted UPS office headquarters to know why all these happened and I now understand the reason why the consignment box has been having problems on transit while in an attempt to reach you, the problem is very simple, it was because all these while, you guys never employ a police constable to follow up the delivery with a Police certified Extract Clearance Report, well, there is one way to which this box right here could reach you without long stories again, and that way is first of all getting a Police Extract of this your consignment box thereafter I will personally bring it to your house or as sign a Police Constable to escort the consignment box to your house.

As a member of the Federal Executive Council, I to traveled to USA with President Patrice Talon of Benin to the Obama’s Presidential Inauguration last week assuming your consignment box came to my office earlier than this, I would have come to the state along with it. Meanwhile, The cost of getting this consignment to your doorstep is nothing to be compared to what you had spent before, the only protocol to be observed is for you to get the Police Extract Clearance Report of the consignment box, and this clearance certificate shall cost you the sum of $310 USD and this is the only money you have to pay for the consignment to get to you, however If you can rally round and get just only $310 USD i will help you with all that processes therein, I will also help you get the Police Extract and transport the consignment a long side the entourage of the presidential convoy, though it will be stressful on me, but i can help you do it if you can send the sum $310 USD as early as possible today.

I will use the money to settle the pilot and some officials so that nobody will disturb the movement as we come to meet you in your house.  

And it goes on for a few more paragiraffes like that.


*Edit time*:

BENIN PO-LEECE FARCE
FRAUG/CONTWACT AND INDEMNITY THEFT INCESTIGATION DEPARTMENT
OFFICE OF THE INSPECTOR GENITAL OF PO-LEECE
COMMAND FARCE HINDQUARTERS
LOUIS EDET HOUSE CENTRAL BUSINESS DISTRICT
COTONOU BENIN

THE TOXIC WASTE DUMP OF WEST AFRICA

Attn: 

We received an instruction memo letter few days ago from the New York Police Department in America.  Unfartunortly, it are writ in Englash an' we no canna ken Englash 'cuz we iz frum Benin, the Toxic Waist Frump of West Africant.  The letter also made us look Fourth Worldish and dumber than hellary counting electoral bloats, however as I write you ewesing the Gooble transluber, nun of this make moor snense now than yesterdaze fowl movemunt.  

This mortification ladder retort is based on the returned of a shipment of piranha thongs we got from Hollyweird celebrunties with pea brains and the sense Gord gave a dumbham.  Well, I have also contracted painful Clinton rectal itch and I want to know why all these happened because I drag myself ass first across the jungle and it no hep me noun.  The problem is very simple, it was because all these while, you wart privileged guys never defile a cocktail waitless who defile retort with a poleece constabull to swallow up the evidernce extracted from a Clearance Clarence, huh Report, well, there is one way to which this horkey punt could reach you without long stories and dangling partisurples again, and that way is first of all getting a Po-leece from Benin's Farce to oxcart it to Newark, where it sure to be mugged by a narchist from Seecattle.

As a member of the Hairy Fungerer Ex-Marital Cowsills, I traveled long, singing a song, in search of El Camino with a pygmy choir and the president of our one and only flush toilet in Benin, Patrice 'Charmin' Talon.  He was going to the Obama’s apology tour last week assuming he's still apologizing for the bulge in Moochelle's thong, I would have come to the state of chaos bordered by Califorlornia, but I followed voting directums from the DNC and erected Tromp along with it. Meanwhile, The coast ain't clear; it's full of stuff that ain't see through.  The only protocol to be observed is there's no business like this business yes this business I give...you.  *crickets*

Tough audiants.  Army ants are.

For no other raisin than to get me a good smell pecker is for you to just up and send me the sum of $310 USD and this is the only monkey you have to send it to.  

I will use the monkey to buy my spouse tampins that aren't made of tree bark.  She get really ugly when she use them.  Send the spanked monkey thusly:

Hide original message 

RECEIVER’S NAME::::: CHRIS  IKE
COUNTRY::::BENIN:
CITY:::: COTONOU,
TEXT QUESTION::::: DOUCHE CANOE
TEXT ANSWER::::: TWATWAFFLE RIVER RUN
AMOUNT::::: $310 USD

If truly you want us to bring infectious desneezes to your doorstep then you have to find this monkey, spank 'em and send today to above given nincompoop so that I can obtain a box of non tree bark tampins for da missus.

Respond to this soonest; operators are standing by because centipedes took over their chairs.

Barr. Eric Jah
Inspector Genital of Po-leece  

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but had I a spouse, she'd not be getting tree bark tampins.  My couch sucks...

Pizza Can Be So Misleading

In more ways than one.

And yes, Sandee, you are seeing Seymour actually ladling tomato sauce atop a pizza in progress, courtesy of another of his hosts, Lynn Abbott.

"Unlike in Skunk's kitchen, this one turned out GOOD!  PHFFFFFT!"

With Lynn supervising, I'm sure it did.  But we digress.

Scamstress Falicia Mogab thought to spring upon one of my characters a very old, tired scam template, one involving her dying without child, and having money in the bank that she wanted my character to access (via her crooked bannister) for widows and orphans.

To quote Seymour, PHFFFFFFFFFT!!

"You didn't do it right".

Meh.

Anyway, that was her scam.  It deserved an edit.  It literally cried out for one.  For reasons not even Seymour can explain, pizza became a central theme in that edit:


Doughnation from  Mrs. Falicia Mogab
Bishop To Knight Level 3[38 rue des martyrs cocody
Abidjan, Ivory Coast.
faliciamogab@yahoo.co.jp

Dearest one in pizza crust,

I am from  Kuwait. I went out for a pizza.  Now I'm in Ivory Coast.  To say that my GPS sucks is the understatement of the millennium.  When I left for the pizza, I was married to Mr. Mark  Mogab , who worked with Kuwait embassy in Liechtenstein for nine years before he died waiting on me to return with the pizza.  We were married for eleven years without a child. He was a eunuch in the Kuwaiti Embassy in Liechtenstein and here I am in Ivory Coast.  How DNC is this?  Apparently only Wikileaks and the Russians know.

Before his death from starvation, he became a bored again Muslim atheist. Since his death I decided to remarry and give my new spouse the pizza, if he can knock me up to get a child outside my matrimonial home which the atheist korant is for before it was against before it was ambivalent and decided that more cowbell was the answer when compared to a Coke bottle vs a goat baphomet dildo. You followed that, right?

Currently, I am here in Ivory Coast, waiting for the pizza.  There's no one here that knows what a pizza is.  There was an Italian family here on holiday, but they were killed when the ox cart they were riding in was stomped by an elephant listening to an ipad.  Why is that allowed?  To make matters more surreal, recently my doctor told me that I have serious sickness which is a dietary aversion to pizza problem. What disturbs me most is how my genital part is hanging at my knees and army ants are trying to have at it.  Knowing my condition I sent out ships to all corners of the Earth.  On board were the Twelve:  the twat waffle, the douche canoe, the corrupt genital that lost the White House, her spouse with the addiction to intern genital humidors, the CA botoxed former speaker of the horse, cnn, and the other so-called geeawds of legends, though geeawds they were in their own atrophied minds. 

After all is said and done -- which regarding the pizza is very in doubt just now -- I has decided to donate this pizza to church or those who utilize this dough the way I was planning to before all this really stupid sh*t happened here. 
 
The atheist korant doesn't really say anything about this other than some gibberish in Farsi about camel sex and cous cous.  I took this decision on the pizza because I do not have any much more time to wait on this gawddamned thing and my husband relatives are not here; they're in Kaliforlornia applying for welfare.   I do not want a situation where this pizza will be used in an unspeakable manner, assuming it ever gets made. That's why I'm taking this decision. I'm not afraid of burritos, but I'm less likely to get one here.

I do not need a telephone communication in this regard because there is no f**king way this will make one lick of sense. In God all things are possible, except when it comes to getting a pizza ordered here in Ivory Coast. As soon as I get an answer I will give you contact of the restaurant here in Abidjan.  Maybe you can get them to understand what a pizza is. My happiness is that with you taking over this order, I don't have to put up with this sh*t anymore and I can try to find my way back home to Kuwait, Liechtenstein or that damned welfare office in Fresno.

Reply "me" and if you're among the first 100 people to do so, no one here will have any idea what you're talking about.  Hope to get an answer other than "me".
 
Send me the following information, as per below.

Your full name ..........
Address ...........
Age ...............
occupation ........
Photo ...............

Type of Pizza ................
 
Still touched by an anvil which explains many things.
Yours in pizza crust,
Sister Falicia Mogab.  

 

The scammer was probably too nonplused to know what it means to be nonplused; she just knowd that after reading the above, a reply was probably going as far as her pizza was.  

War Of The Edits

The movie has very little to do with the email scam my character received.

But it has something in small measure to do with the edit.

The email itself is not unique; I've seen this template many times.  The scammer, on the other hand, has not seen an edit like this much, me thinks.

Here's the scam opening by Dame Mariam Saeed:


Dear in the Lord

I apologize if the contents in this mail are contrary to your moral ethics which I feel may be of great disturbance to your personal life but please treat with absolute secrecy and personal and I pray that this email reaches you in the best of health.
I believe my contacting you is not an ordinary coincidence because God can use any body known or unknown to accomplish great things which he has ordained.

I was hospitalized after I had a car accident with my family I lost my husband and my two daughters
who were also on board in the accident. I have been battling with some health problems from the major injuries that I sustained in the cause of accident.   Recently, my doctor told me that I may or may not have some few months to live due to the surgery that was conducted though what disturbs is my present predicament due to the damaged of my spinal cords in the accident.

 Having known my condition, I have decided to Will / Donate the sum of 4.5 Million (Four Million Five hundred thousand Dollars) to charity and individual for the good work of the lord, and to help the motherless, less privileged and also for the assistance of the widows.

 Because I am the only surviving person and nobody else that will inherit this money they are now dead.   All I want you to do is to assist in safe-keep of this fund which is Four Million Five hundred thousand Dollars deposited at the custody of the security firm before it gets confiscated or declared un-serviceable.

I seek your consent to present you as the Trustee to my late husband's inheritance so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you If you are interested in carrying out this task, I want you to tell me so that I can arrange all the modalities to effect the release of the fund to you. 

 I know I have never met you but my mind tells me to do this and I hope you will act sincerely.
I have also decided that 30% of this money should be taken by you from the total sum upon the successful release of this fund.

 I am now too weak and fragile to do things myself because of my present health problems.
I am not afraid even if I die I know I will be in the bosom of the Lord Exodus 14 vs14 says that the Lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task is accomplished as I do not want anything that will jeopardize my last wish.  


Last wish my ass...we ALL know what your so-called 'last wish' is.  Which brings us to the edit:


Subject: Deer in the headlights  

I apologize if the contents in this mail are contrary to what deer in the headlights of your country tend to do in moments of crisis or when they've just crapped and find the toilet paper dispenser empty.  To some, this constitutes a moral ethics difficulter which I feel may be of great disturbance to your personal life.  Others just hitch up the trou and spend the day stinking.

I would be pleased if you would not -- repeat NOT -- treat this emauled with absolute secrecy and personal and I pray that this reaches you in the best of health.  A sick email is not a good thing to be sending out, especially if it's contagious and you have hellthscare like we gots.

I believe my contacting you is not an ordinary coincidence because whoever etched your email address in the bathroom stall behind the tree here obviously intended that I or others more odious should contact you with the crap that's to follow.

I was horspitalized after I had a stampeding yak accident with my family in-laws while trying to get away from the mother-in-law's nagging.  I lost my left nipple in the accident. I have been battling with some health problems from the loss of that damned left nipple as a result of that accident.  Recently, my doctor told me that I may or may not have some few months to live due to the surgery that was conducted wherein they were supposed to repair my missing left nipple and instead removed my liver, spleen and vagina for transplant in a Florida manatee they're trying to coax into sex, because the doctor's enamored of it.  What disturbs me most is the bill the doctor sent me afterward.

Having known my condition, I had Atlantis send out ships to all corners of the Earth.  On board were the Twelve:  a one and a two.  They probably should have sent two sixes, but their abacus was broke.  Small wonder Atlantis sank.

If you could do me a big favor:  see that my pet ocelot is fed and neutered. Because I am the only surviving person the ocelot hasn't eaten.

I seek your consent to present you as the Trustee to what's left of my late husband's inherited Liechtensteinian beer stein collection he got during the War Between The Roses when Michael Dogless and Kathleen Toinah wrecked everything in the divorce settlement and made a movie of it; how they missed blowing up or running over the beer steins is still a mystery.  If you are interested in carrying out this task, I want you to tell me so that I can arrange for you to have a mental health exam. 

I know I have never met you but my mind tells me to do this and when the voices in my head speaks, I throw them a treat and rub their tummy.

I hope you will act sincerely.  I never have.

I am now too weak and fragile to do things myself because of my surgically removed vagina.  Bastard.  Flies regularly use the void there for an aerodrome.

I am not afraid even if I die I know I will be in the bosom of the local witch doctor, Chief Rama Lama Dork Dork, and he always says that if a sheep is a ram and a donkey is an ass, only then can a ram in the ass be a goose.  He's a pretty f**ked up person, but he's all that'll put up with me, genitalless as I am. 

 I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the nominations for the 2018 Email Emmys are announced.  I might have a shot with this one.

That's my next to last wish.  The other is unspeakable and involves self gratification and kumquats.Yours faithfully,Mrs mariam saeed

Someone in Scamland was not amused by this:


you are never to write me again with junk like this


No problem; I have plenty of other junk to substitute for it. 


50 emails later, the scammer has not expressed any further preferences for the email junk I forward him.

Small wonder...