Ya Think?

After receiving a scam email -- and sending it back to the scammer edited -- the scammer had the most "Well, DUH!!" of responses:

that not my email?  

He really HAD to ask that?

Here's how it went.  First, his original scam email:

 

Attention :The Beneficiary

In conformity with the determined interest of this new democratic Government to offset all outstanding foreign contract indebtedness. In accordance with our new improved foreign contract payment policy as stated in the foreign contract payment act of 1979 and amended in the debt servicing act of 1999 to expedite the immediate settlement of all out standing contract

accrued interest payment under the Federal Ministry of aviation and NNPC.We are glad to inform you that your contract accrued interest Part-payment  has been approved by the Ministry (FMF & PTF ONDEBT PAYMENT) as stated in the attached letter with the

approved International Payment Voucher Number :( FMF/CBN/NNPC/BOA-93WB82UN567-G); Therefore, you are advice as a matter of urgency

to contact this committee approved Fiduciary Agent, for immediate release of your FUND with the below contact information.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Mrs. Chioma michael

Dirctor:interbank Accredited  Fiduciary

PHONE:+(190)8652-4194

E-MAIL:chiomsmichaelinter.bank@yahoo.com

E-MAIL:chiomsmichaelinterbank@aol.com

This mode of payment is designed by the government to avert fraud perpetration or stoppage of funds transferred by some agencies either through Anti Terrorist Certificate or other certificates requirements. It was after our extensive close door meeting with Board of Directors and with Mr. President and other Stake holders in the government, sub-committees of the

Senate and the House of Rep. Federal Republic of Nigeria and the Federal Ministry of Finance.

This OFFICE hereby uses this medium to congratulate you and heart fully thank you for your patience and understanding during all this years of delays on your fund.always keep us inform what ever your out come with Mrs. Chioma michael

Thanks for your co-operation.

Yours faithfully,

Dr.s.jerry williams (Director-General)

Debt Management Office & Chairman

Presidential Task Force on Debt Payment

Federal Republic of Nigeria 

 

That's what it looked like upon arrival h'yah.  That ain't how it looked upon reply back th'yah:

 

 

From: Dr. Rev. Capt. DoucheNozzle.jerry williams <roger.horley@btinternet.com>
Sent: Thursday, March 30, 2017 5:51 AM
Subject: Dr. Rev. Capt. DoucheNozzle.jerry williams

 

Attention:  

In disformity with the mental dysentery raging through this new dumbasscrapic Government to offset all outstanding foreign contract indebtedness, it is the diversifried opinion of a panel of fine young cannibals that in discordance with our new unproved foreign contract  payment policy scam that we're trying out in the foreign contract payment act of 1979 (and amended in the debt servicing act of 1999 -- we're  slow to getting to sh*t like this) -- we are no longer running a two for one burrito lunch special at any of our Cannibalized Not-So-Fast Juan Mexican restaurants here in Lagos because of overdemand with no appreciation for the afteraffects of said culinary item to the ecological status of our outdoor outhouses. 

This be the ruling from our Federal Ministry of aviation and NNPC and in that we are adamant.  Just take our word that something like this WOULD fall under those ministries.

We are glad to inform you that you have been approved by other assorted ministries (FMF & PTF & OMG & WTF, et al) as stated in the single and unattached letter with the as yet unapproved International Penile Implant Voucher Number :( FMF/CBN/NNPC/OMG/WTF/EUNUCH567-G).

Therefore, you are advice as a matter of urgency to collect a week's worth of your feces, hermetically seal it, and send it to the DNC in Washington DC.  They themselves aren't running short -- indeed, they have enough for perpetuity -- but they can never have too much.

CONTACT INFORMATION

(we now indulge in something totally unrelated to the above, as somewhere above we seriously digressed from the original template):

Mrs. Piranha Clitoris Uterine Inflammation

Directum:  Interbank Accredited  Reproductives

PHONE:+(190)8652-4194

E-MAIL:  chiomsmichaelinter.bank@yahoo.com

E-FEMAIL:  chiomsmichaelinterbank@aol.com

E-GENDERNEUTRALMAIL:  ..uh, we ain't got that one working yet..

This mode of ala is designed by the government to avert fraud perpetration in desserts.  Some agencies around here are pretty suck ass in that regard.  They even go so far as to require...get this...an Anti Dessert Terrorist Certificate or other certificates not yet made up requirements.

It was after our extensive close door meeting with a collection of Third World asshats and ther Stake holders in the government, sub-committees of the Senate and the House of Rep. Federal Republic of Nigeria and the Federal Ministry of Finance, that we concluded that this email is full of sh*t and therefore DNC qualified and approved.

This OFFICE hereby uses this double extra large (we've seen the people of Walmart pictures) to congratulate you and thank you for not questioning the abject stupid sh*t this email is full of during all this years of delays on your genital fungus removal procedures.

Thanks if you're still reading and believing one word of this.

Dr. Rev. Capt. DoucheNozzle.jerry williams (Directum-Genital)

Debt Mismanagement Office & Chairdouche

Presidential Task Farce on Nothing Useful

Federal Repugnant of Nigeria  

 

I cannot, for one, possibly see how the scammer could have questioned that the immediate above didn't resemble his original...can you?

Scams, Buses, Email Servers

I reckon it's on accounta cuz Ms Serena Baturi -- referenced in the last post -- has sent out so many emails, she simply cannot keep track of them all.

But she DID get back to my one character with the 'very important thing' she wanted to tell me.

And h'yar it is:


How is your day? Like you know, I am living in the refugee camp here in Dakar-Senegal. In this camp, its just like one staying in the prison and I hope by God's grace, I will come out here soon. I don't have any relatives now whom I can go to as all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war.    The only person I have now is Rev. Jude Agai who is the pastor of ( Christ Gospel Mission ) here in the camp, he has been very nice to me since I came here but I am not living with him rather I live in the females hostel  because the camp has two hostels one for men the other for women.    Please try to call by 12 GMT with The Pastor's Telephone number is: (+221-763-980-238), when you call, tell him that you want to speak with me, so that he will send for me in the hostel. Please call me today, I will love to hear your voice.
As a refugee here, I don't have any right or privilege to anything be it money or whatever because it is against the law of  this country. I want to go back to my studies because i only attended  my first year before the tragic incident that led to the death  of my parents took place.
Please listen to this, I have my late father's statement of account and death certificate here with me which I will send to you later, because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in a leading bank, which he used my name as the next of kin, the amount is $3.9M ( Three Million Nine Hundred Thousand US Dollars ). So I will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from there you can send some money for me to get my travelling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you.    I kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person  that knows about it is the Reverend because he is like a father  to me. So in the light of above I will like you to keep it to yourself and don't tell it to anyone for I am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it. Please I will like you to send me all the under-mentioned particulars, for me to know you more, and know whom I am dealing with.    Below here is what I need from  you so that I can Forward it  to the bank to start the processing of transfer  procedures with you as my representative :
(1) Full name
(2) country of residence & city
(3) phone number
Remember, I am giving you all this information due to the trust I reposed in you. I love you because you are an honest and understanding person.You are truthful, full of vision and a hardworking person. Thanks for your sweet regards for me. You are a nice person, I love to meet you very soon. I will like you to call me, call around 2pm GMT. I want to hear your voice ok.
Have a nice day and think about me.
Awaiting to hear from you soonest.  


All that hokum about my character being a nice guy and all...she should have speaks with a recent ex-friend, but I digress. 

At any rate, I sensed another edit...and one that I just KNOW the DNC is gonna love:


Like you know, I am living like a refugee even as Tom Petty sez I doesn't has to.  Here in Dakar-Senegal, we has all the comforts of home after a group of us helped loot Ferguson, Missouri; Al Sharpton arranged a bus for us there, and a bus with a big U-Haul trailer for our loot, back home.  He got some money from companies that are afraid to call him a douche nozzle jackwagon race baiting, tax cheating crook, which he is.  It was luverly.  We're hoping for some more riots in your country, so we can get the new play stations and games for free.  Got me six Obolaphones....how I do like the life of a refugee, Senegal and DNC style.  But I digress.

In this camp, its just like one living the dream and I hope by God's grace, I will have title to the luxury condo I'm living in.  I only have to has sleeps with about two more platoons of the local UN rapekeeping farce here to achieve that.  I don't have any relatives now whom can sponge off me, since they all got collected up by Boko Harumphf and now they dig latrines, peel potatoes, police up butts -- without toilet paper, I not sure I like that last -- while I live in splendor here.  It's good to be a low information dependent of the DNC.

The only person I have now is Rev. Jude Agai who is the pastor of ( Christ Gospel Mission ) here in the camp, but the DNC sez I don't have to put up with Christians, so we're having him traded for a Jehovah Witness-turned-atheist, who goes around and knocks on doors for no reason.  Pretty strange, some of them in the DNC.  Well okay, most of them.

Please try to call by 12 CUT with The Pastor's Telephone number: (+221-763-980-238); while he's out speechifying to goats, I can use up minutes on his phone, rather than on my six.  Pretty smart, huh?  Please call me only during day time, as I am entertaining UN rapekeepers at night.  

As a refugee here -- supported by the DNC -- I can do whatever I want, so's long as I am available to be bussed to made up protests and "fomented crisis of moment for msnbc to fan flames of", whatever that mean.  I once wanted to go back to my studies because i only attended  my first year before the tragic incident that led to my having to get a real job, but an Al Sharpton-staged riot burned down and looted the business, so now I'm back on the DNC dole again and it feel so good.  

Please listen to this, it from the talking points I get from Jen Psaki and Marie Harf, both wenches of dubious antecedence and practically no brains outside of what they read from talking points memos like this one:  I have my late father's statement of account and death certificate here with me which I will send to you later, because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in a leading bank, which he used my name as the next of kin, the amount is $3.9M ( Three Million Nine Hundred Thousand Canadian dollars, all in Spocked $5 bills). So I will like you to help me transfer this money to your account so I can hide it from DNC and stay on dole 'cuz I like wealth redistribution democrap style.  Letting others work for me and I get their taxes gived to me is awesome.  It assures that I'll vote for the democraps at least 100 times in 2016.

I kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person  that knows about it is the Reverend and he isn't talking because I has a picture of him leaving a Motel 6 with an inflatable llama and Nancy Pelosi at 3am one morning.  So in the light of above I will like you to keep it to yourself and don't tell it to anyone for I am afraid of loosing my easy life as a entitlement dependent and on-call rioter/looter for Sharpton's Racebaiters Syndicate. 

In fact, I want you to destroy this email and the server it's on.  Or better still, give it to Hillary Clintard to do it.  She good at hiding and losing things I hear.

Remember, I am giving you all this information due to the fact I am assured you don't work for Trey Gowdy. I love you because this talking points memo said I'm supposed to say that, even if what I really love is a three puckered goat named Harry that looks just like that wrinkled prune from Nevada.  

Awaiting to hear from you -- and not a subpoena from the House Ethics Committee -- soonest.

 

 

Whether this stops Serena Baturi from further considering my character a 'nice guy' or not is subject to future debate; I can guarantee that I'll be getting no invites to the DNC anytime soon.

 

Couldn't attend any of their functions without having my pockets picked, anyway.

A Hazmat Camel With An Offer I Could Refuse

I'll bet you don't see what I just did there...

Anyway, my new character is really turning out to be a muthalode of new scammer emails.  Like this one:


Urgent from Mr. Hamzat Kamal.

From: Mr. Hamzat Kamal
Private number:
Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso
OUR REF DPQ/047/SAB/2014
E-mail: hamzat_k@yahoo.com
http://www.iamgold.com

Attn: Sir/ Madam,

I am Mr. Hamzat Kamal; I did a lot of searching, fasting and prayer before choosing your contact from your country website. It is with trust and sincerity that I approach you for assistance to transfer some fund into your foreign account.

I am a top government official with the IAMGOLD COMPANY, my responsibilities includes awarding and signing of contracts for the purchases of drilling equipment and raw materials to the IAMGOLD COMPANY, by companies and government from different parts of the world. Through over invoiced and bulk purchases that were made on behalf of the IAMGOLD COMPANY, I have a bold sum of US$11.3000.000 (Eleven Million and Three Hundred Thousand Dollars) and US$7.5, 000.000 (Seven Million and Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) which I now want to transfer to any trustworthy account overseas.

This contract has been executed and full payments have been made to the contractors who executed these contract leaving behind US$11.3,000.000 (Eleven Million and Three Hundred Thousand Dollars)  and US$7.5,000.000 (Seven Million and Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) an Over invoice/commission for we the committee members to benefit In view of this, my colleagues have mandated me to look for a foreign partner abroad who will receive these fund on our behalf for mutual benefits which means that you will provide us with any account of your choice we can lodge these fund immediately.

I therefore kindly request that you grant me the consent to present you, or your firm as the foreign beneficiary of this fund, for this money to be transferred into your account anywhere in the world, even if it is a newly opened account without money in it, this fund could still be transferred into it for safe keeping afterward I will pay a visit to your country for the sharing of the fund, and our onward investment in your country.

The money will be paid into your account for us to share in the ratio of 60% for me and 30% for you and the balance of 10% will be responsible for the major /trivial expenses incurred in the course of the transaction. There is no risk involve in this project as my position in my company and with the aid of my personal and directives and all documents will be provided once you are able to contact the bank to make you  the legal beneficiary and the legality of this project will correspond with  local and international laws of inheritance.

I have decided to give you 30%of the total fund for your assistance and 10%have been mapped aside for contingent expenses to be incurred during the process of this transaction. Due to the urgent nature of this transaction you are requested to give me a call or Email me as soon as possible on the above details or e-mail me.

You should contact me with below Email address given to you for urgency implies---
E-mail: hamzat_k@yahoo.com

Upon your response, I shall then provide you with further information and modalities that will help you understand the transaction for directives to our success.

You should observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this project would be most profitable for both parties because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country. Please you are also requested to view and go through our WEBSITE for more confirmation. This is risk free and i am your guarantee. Please I need your urgent reply.

Thanks and best regards.  


Hamzat Kamal?  Oh, my character simply gotta edit this one:

On Monday, December 15, 2014 1:04 PM, Mr Hazmat Camel <m55555@voila.fr> while in the midst of a particularly savage bout of painful rectal itch which he eventually solved with a brillo pad and salt water, suddenly decomposed and wrote:

Urgent from Mr. Hazmat Camel.

From: Mr. Hazmat Camel
Primate number:  6 and counting
Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso
OUR REF DPQ/047/SAB/2014
E-mail: hamzat_k@yahoo.comhttp://www.iamphulofshit.com

Attn: Sir/ Madam,

I am Mr. Hazmat Camel; I did a lot of searching, fasting and running around, dragging my very sore ass all over the carpet, across burning sand, wherever I could find relief from the painful rectal itch episode you read about at the start of this email.  Anyway, I dun all that before choosing your contact from your country website. Yes, your country has a website.  Yes, you is on it.  You're on a lotta websites run by your government, Bubi.  It is with all the trust and sincerity of explosives in a turd that I approach you for assistance to transfer something unacceptable to OSHA into your foreign air space.

I am a bottom-feeding Democrap government official with the IAMPHULOFSH** COMPANY, my responsibilities includes awarding and signing of contracts for the removal of astronomical amounts of human and other fecal material from outhouse pits and the basement of the DNC on an annual basis.  A 10% discount off services rendered if you see what I just did there.

Thanks to everything I learned from Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi -- who really needs to lay off the botox...ack -- I am well versed in how to over charge invoices and bulk purchases that were made on behalf of the IAMPHULOFSH** COMPANY.  And I have amassed 11.300.000 tons of various and assorted fecal material that I wish to have NASA or the Russians or the European Space Agency....f**k, even the Starship Enterprise...lift or beam out of my country and to a place more deserving of this stuff.  Like Uranus...Neptune...Pluto...even Hillary's campaign bus.  

My country was supposed to have executed this, but being the low information nincompoops that they are, they shot it.  

Bunch of blithering Joe Bidumbs, I'll tell ya.

So now I need you, assuming that YOU know what executing a contract means.

It is my hope that you know or have contact with peoples who know someone at NASA, or the Russian NASA, or EuroNASA, or that Branson dude at Virgins 'R Us place...anyone what gots a space vehicle capable to taking on the payload I noted above.   Granted, Branson's space thingee blowd up, but he can build another and hopefully fix it to make it high enough that if it blows up again, it won't allow over 11 million tons of assorted fecal material to wind up back where it started.

I don't want to have to go around and collect it up again, y'all.  Just sayin'.

I therefore kindly request that you grant me the consent to present you with a suitable-for-framing picture of Elizabeth Warren leaving a Boston motel with a goat, dressed up like Barney Frank at 2am in October 2013.  I will pay a visit to your country and present you this evidence personally, in exchange for a dinner date with Megyn Kelly.

The rest of the details here bore me to tears, so just email me a yes, no, or 'maybe possibly kinda sorta thinking it over' kind of answer.  There is no risk involve in this project as we lost all the game pieces so no one knows what to do with a country named Irkutsk.  Why would you invade something widda name like that?

I have decided to give you 30% discount instead of the promised 10%, hoping that you are more impressed with the discount than what it's for. Due to the urgent nature of this transaction you are requested to give me a call or Email me as soon as possible on the above details, or just e-mail me because I just realized I left my phone number off this thing.

You should contact me with below Email address given to you for urgency implies that you do so urgently as implied...this makes sense, yes?

E-mail: hamzat_k@yahoo.com

Upon your response, I shall probably wet myself, because no one has ever responded to one of these emails before.  I keep thinking it's my body odor.  Taking a sponge bath in camel piss doesn't seem to work too well in night clubs hereabouts.

You should observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this project would not survive one minute of The Gong Show.  Please you are also requested to please remove any pictures of Sandra Fluke from my view, please.  Projectile vomiting is not fun, even here.

Thanks and best regards.

Mr. Hazmat Camel
Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso
OUR REF DPQ/047/SAB/2014
E-mail: hamzat_k@yahoo.com
Primate number:  6 and counting (there was supposed to be phone number here, but I forgot it, so I'm no smarter than my countrymen what executed the contract by shooting it).  

 

 

I'm sure the DNC would love that suitable for framing picture of Elizabeth Warren and the goat...