War Of The Edits

The movie has very little to do with the email scam my character received.

But it has something in small measure to do with the edit.

The email itself is not unique; I've seen this template many times.  The scammer, on the other hand, has not seen an edit like this much, me thinks.

Here's the scam opening by Dame Mariam Saeed:


Dear in the Lord

I apologize if the contents in this mail are contrary to your moral ethics which I feel may be of great disturbance to your personal life but please treat with absolute secrecy and personal and I pray that this email reaches you in the best of health.
I believe my contacting you is not an ordinary coincidence because God can use any body known or unknown to accomplish great things which he has ordained.

I was hospitalized after I had a car accident with my family I lost my husband and my two daughters
who were also on board in the accident. I have been battling with some health problems from the major injuries that I sustained in the cause of accident.   Recently, my doctor told me that I may or may not have some few months to live due to the surgery that was conducted though what disturbs is my present predicament due to the damaged of my spinal cords in the accident.

 Having known my condition, I have decided to Will / Donate the sum of 4.5 Million (Four Million Five hundred thousand Dollars) to charity and individual for the good work of the lord, and to help the motherless, less privileged and also for the assistance of the widows.

 Because I am the only surviving person and nobody else that will inherit this money they are now dead.   All I want you to do is to assist in safe-keep of this fund which is Four Million Five hundred thousand Dollars deposited at the custody of the security firm before it gets confiscated or declared un-serviceable.

I seek your consent to present you as the Trustee to my late husband's inheritance so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you If you are interested in carrying out this task, I want you to tell me so that I can arrange all the modalities to effect the release of the fund to you. 

 I know I have never met you but my mind tells me to do this and I hope you will act sincerely.
I have also decided that 30% of this money should be taken by you from the total sum upon the successful release of this fund.

 I am now too weak and fragile to do things myself because of my present health problems.
I am not afraid even if I die I know I will be in the bosom of the Lord Exodus 14 vs14 says that the Lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task is accomplished as I do not want anything that will jeopardize my last wish.  


Last wish my ass...we ALL know what your so-called 'last wish' is.  Which brings us to the edit:


Subject: Deer in the headlights  

I apologize if the contents in this mail are contrary to what deer in the headlights of your country tend to do in moments of crisis or when they've just crapped and find the toilet paper dispenser empty.  To some, this constitutes a moral ethics difficulter which I feel may be of great disturbance to your personal life.  Others just hitch up the trou and spend the day stinking.

I would be pleased if you would not -- repeat NOT -- treat this emauled with absolute secrecy and personal and I pray that this reaches you in the best of health.  A sick email is not a good thing to be sending out, especially if it's contagious and you have hellthscare like we gots.

I believe my contacting you is not an ordinary coincidence because whoever etched your email address in the bathroom stall behind the tree here obviously intended that I or others more odious should contact you with the crap that's to follow.

I was horspitalized after I had a stampeding yak accident with my family in-laws while trying to get away from the mother-in-law's nagging.  I lost my left nipple in the accident. I have been battling with some health problems from the loss of that damned left nipple as a result of that accident.  Recently, my doctor told me that I may or may not have some few months to live due to the surgery that was conducted wherein they were supposed to repair my missing left nipple and instead removed my liver, spleen and vagina for transplant in a Florida manatee they're trying to coax into sex, because the doctor's enamored of it.  What disturbs me most is the bill the doctor sent me afterward.

Having known my condition, I had Atlantis send out ships to all corners of the Earth.  On board were the Twelve:  a one and a two.  They probably should have sent two sixes, but their abacus was broke.  Small wonder Atlantis sank.

If you could do me a big favor:  see that my pet ocelot is fed and neutered. Because I am the only surviving person the ocelot hasn't eaten.

I seek your consent to present you as the Trustee to what's left of my late husband's inherited Liechtensteinian beer stein collection he got during the War Between The Roses when Michael Dogless and Kathleen Toinah wrecked everything in the divorce settlement and made a movie of it; how they missed blowing up or running over the beer steins is still a mystery.  If you are interested in carrying out this task, I want you to tell me so that I can arrange for you to have a mental health exam. 

I know I have never met you but my mind tells me to do this and when the voices in my head speaks, I throw them a treat and rub their tummy.

I hope you will act sincerely.  I never have.

I am now too weak and fragile to do things myself because of my surgically removed vagina.  Bastard.  Flies regularly use the void there for an aerodrome.

I am not afraid even if I die I know I will be in the bosom of the local witch doctor, Chief Rama Lama Dork Dork, and he always says that if a sheep is a ram and a donkey is an ass, only then can a ram in the ass be a goose.  He's a pretty f**ked up person, but he's all that'll put up with me, genitalless as I am. 

 I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the nominations for the 2018 Email Emmys are announced.  I might have a shot with this one.

That's my next to last wish.  The other is unspeakable and involves self gratification and kumquats.Yours faithfully,Mrs mariam saeed

Someone in Scamland was not amused by this:


you are never to write me again with junk like this


No problem; I have plenty of other junk to substitute for it. 


50 emails later, the scammer has not expressed any further preferences for the email junk I forward him.

Small wonder...