Monday, December 30, 2013

A 'Check' Is In The Mail

One came.  One went.  Neither negotiable legal tender.

One was meant to look credible, as long as it wasn't closely examined.  The other...not so much.

I can tell you that Gabriel Cones and his 'ASSociates' were not amused.  Not when they thought they were about to make $1350.90 at the expense of my 'character'.

My 'character' didn't prove so accommodating.  My bad.

Here's how ol' Gabe started his ploy:

My name is Gabriel Cones.I work for the charity Organization based in California. I am 58 years.
I am looking for someone that can handle my business errands during his or her spare time (I own an Art Gallery).  I need your services because I am constantly traveling abroad to support the charity Organization. We work in over 190 countries helping children survive, protecting them from harm and getting them to school.
Manage my business errands today and earn yourself not less than $600 weekly. You are not required to travel abroad or inter state. Your errands are simple and straight.
1. Receive my mail and Drop them off at the post office or shipping center.
2. Pick up my items at your nearby post office at your convenience.
3. When you get my mail or package, you would mail all items to where I want them shipped. All expenses and shipping charges will be covered by me.
The contents of the packages are mostly art materials and paintings. In addition, there will be clothing I need for business and personal letters. No heavy package is involved
Please read the employment requirements listed below.
A. You are an honest and trustworthy citizen (which doesn't apply to the emailer, apparently).
B. You need to be able to check your EMAIL 2 times daily.
THE PAY IS $600 WEEKLY and you are entitled to a brand new car after 2 weeks if you are hardworking and honest with me, WHICH IS NOT A BAD OFFER (and it wouldn't be, if it were an authentic offer, which it ain't).
In closing, I have a couple of questions for you.
First, If I were to mail you money to do my shopping plus an upfront payment for your service, where would you want it mailed to?
Second, how would you like for your name to appear on any Package sent to you?
Apply Below & send your information to initial response to this was to edit the snarf out of it, and in a thoroughly demeaning manner to Mr. Cones and his objective.  I won't bore you with the whole edit; just the first paragraph will give you an ideer:
My name is Gabriel Cones.  I work for, among other things, a chastity Organization based in California. I am contacting you about a recent visit your pet rock had here, and how he contemptuously treated our chastity laws and took them for granite as regards a reported clandestine affair resulting in the propagation of other geological life.  You know who I mean; I mean your pet rock, Seymour.  His illicit (and geologically impossible from the standpoint of gymnastical statistics) relations with JuliaSandstone, which resulted in the shipping outside of CA several resulting offspring which, I am sure, violates some ridiculous and obscure environmentalist laws here in CA, the home of the ridiculous and frivolous when it comes to ANYTHING from the Left.  Envirowhackjobs are particularly egregious in this, but I digress.  
Ol' Gabe is one of those who doesn't read what you said him; he takes a reply as an affirmation that you buy into his scam:

How are you today? hope all is going on well?  Thank you for your willingness to act as my Personal Assistant and I am Confirming to you that you will be receiving your 1st Assignment Responsibilities This week.  I will get you all instructions and details needed on how to carry out your 1st Assignment Responsibilities and please you MUST get back to me if you are ready to carry out your 1st Assignment Responsibilities.  Hope all is clear?

Waiting to hear from you  & I look forward to establish a long term business relationship with you.

Just another Third World dolt, ol' Gabe.  But not one without stateside connections as I was to learn.
After providing ol' Gabe with an affirmative reply (so the one he thought he got wasn't lonely) -- and my actual address -- I waited a couple of weeks with no further word from ol' Gabe.  Until I received a FedEx, delivered to my address in the name of my 'character':  Jack N. Ewehoff.
Jack just loves to play.
Inside the FedEx was one thing and one thing only:  the check you see at the beginning of this post.
Now, 'Jack' didn't really need to bother authenticating anything; a FedEx from an Oklahoma City, OK address, containing a check from a tractor & supply company in Oregon, drawn on an actual bank located in Portland, OR, is usually suggestive of something that ain't entirely up to snuff.
So I spared 'Jack' the effort, and did it myself.  Coming as some surprise -- not -- was that the check was fraudulent.  The shipper was an unrelated business in OK.  The business and bank are real; just not the check, nor the account on which it's drawd.
Of course, for the offer of $600 AND a car, well...'Jack' wasn't supposed to care about them little annoying details.
So once I got all my ducks in a row -- only to have one tip over and the rest domino in a mallardjusted quack-up -- I advised ol' Gabe that "the check's what?"
Here's what ol' Gabe had for me:
I just confirmed from my finance officer and he has given me the details of the payment.  You are to confirm the following :  Check sent through FedEx mail
Amount - $1950.00
Tracking no - 797326850588

Reply as soon as you read this mail so that further details can be communicated to you.

And then Gabe gives me my instructions:
Yes the payment is $1950.90. You are to proceed as follows -
Assignment Details -:
1) Proceed to the bank with the payment ,
deposit and cash out as soon
as possible.
2)Deduct your payment of $600 and $50 for the
cost of transportation
and other charges. Send the remaining through
only MONEY GRAM to Mr
Dale ( one of my art paintings clients)
Send payment to
Name - Dale Osborne
Address - San Antonio, Texas, USA
What is required from you after sending the
1) Reference number (8 digits number)
2) Senders details ( first and last name)
3)Exact amount sent
4) Text question and answer.
Please email reference digits as soon as you
have sent the funds.
you are to act quickly and must reply as soon
as you have read this mail  
So...a check shipped from OK, drawn on an OR tractor account gets FedExed to me, and I -- or 'Jack' -- are to cash it, keep our 'cut', and Money Gram the balance to a "Dale Osborne" in San Antonio, TX.
Well, 'Jack' decided to make use of the three old UPS tracking numbers that he had gleaned from other scammer emails, and argued back and forth with ol' Gabe over two days that 'Jack' wanted to use UPS instead of Money Gram.  All the while, ol' Gabe insisted that "Mr. Dale" wanted Money Gram used.
Then after two days of debate, 'Jack' won:  "Mr. Dale" agreed to the payment coming via UPS.  And provided 'Jack' with the information as to where to ship it:
l have been able to talk to Mr Dale and he has accepted to receive the money via UPS although he has stated that subsequent payment should be by Money Gram.  Please proceed and make the payment to the address below -:

Name - Roger Osborne
Address - 7719 Louis pasteur Ct. 154, San Antonio, Texas, 78229.

As I said earlier, you should proceed immediately so that we start the next task. I appreciate your ability to multi task but until we meet, I prefer we take things one at a time.  Send all details of payment to me as soon as it is done. now, "Mr. Dale" is suddenly Roger Osborne.
At any rate, here I am with a name and an address to UPS a 'payment' to San Antonio.
Why fauxspend the money to ship nothing via UPS to a scammer in San Antonio...when I could actually send him something via USPS, at the cost of a mere stamp?
So...'Jack' put together a little something for ol' Rog/Dale to ponder, once it arrives via USPS:
I mean, since ol' Gabe claims to be something of an art fancier, I thought this a worthy thing for ol' Rog/Dale to open up and view upon receipt.
Of course, there was also a message along widdit...something to the effect of "Wile E. did no better with the 'light' at the end of the tunnel than you are".  
So now, I just await a response....*Jeopardy Theme*...I get one, before the USPS arrives.  Seems that Gabriel Cones is worried about his appearance in the eyes of his client, after he finds that I talked him into accepting UPS, and I wind up shipping via USPS:

Actually Gabriel, I had a bit of a brain fart when I went to my UPS outlet store, which is a 'pack and ship' place that uses UPS, Fed Ex, DHL and the US Postal Service.  And since shipping the money was done more cheaply via USPS, I just did that (at the cost of a stamp, and they didn't ask what the
contents of the mailing was, though I was prepared to tell them that it was personal correspondence if they did inquire).  So tell Mr. Dale/Roger that what I sent him is coming USPS to the address you gave me for him.  He should have it, without fail, by no later than Monday, December 16.  When he
confirms receipt to you, I am ready for my next assignment...and new car.  Mine's on its last lugnuts.

I will inform Mr dale of the latest development. However, I must express my displeasure in the way you have carried out this rather simple assignment. You told me that UPS was your preferred choice but now you are telling me something different. I do not appreciate you
making me look unworthy  before my client. Please make sure that you round this up quickly.  

My reply should assuage him..mebbe:

This will work out the way it'll see.  When Mr. Dale receives what I sent him, all will be as it should be.  Your worthiness in your client's eyes is nothing for you to worry about.  I assure you on that point.
Granted, what I think 'should be' and what ol' Gabe thinks 'should be' are probably at odds.  Unforts for him, I'm controlling those odds  ;-)

In the meantime, the 'check' my character sent to Gabe's "Mr. Dale/Roger" apparently arrived:

You asshole.  I have make other arrangement for Mr Dale to get his money. I will no further discussion with you. A stop oder has been placed on the payment so I advice you not to take it to bank as you be arrested.  

I see some 'arrested development' here, alright:


1.  Too late on the check, dude.
2.  Yes, I am.
3.  No, I won't be.
4.  Yes, Mr. Dale MIGHT be.
5.  Oregon Tractor & Equipment Co Inc sends their regards.   And other less polite thoughts.

In the end, it appears that ol' Gabe Cones hasn't got the 'art' of this stuff down just yet.  What's more, he won't have speaks with me no mores..  ;-)  



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Thursday, December 26, 2013

With A Name Like Tee Yung Hen, It's GOTTA Be Edited

Readers here know that I occasionally have really weird takes on things.

Three and a half concussions is my excuse, and I'm sticking to it.

When I read the email heading on this amazing delivery from the bowels of scamdumb, I knowd that it was time to once again to indulge that weird parameter within:


With an email title like that, how could I not read on?  Especially when I learned that the emailer was none other than Tee Yung Hen.


Here's the opening salvo that made what follows unfortunately possible:

 Pardon me for not having the pleasure of knowing your mindset before making you this offer and it is utterly confidential and genuine by virtue of its nature. I cannot imagine the surprise this will bring to you, but please be rest assured is with good faith and intentions from a friend in dare need of your assistance.

I am a, staff of Private Banking Services at the Bank of China (BOC). I am contacting you concerning our customer and, an investment placed under our banks management 8 years ago. I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail confidential and respect the integrity of the information you come by as a result of this mail. I contacted you independently of our investigation and no one is informed of this communication. I would like to intimate you with certain facts that I believe would be of interest to you.

In 2005, the subject matter; ref: bb/boc/bank/0012  came to our bank to engage in business discussions with our Private Banking Services Department. He informed us that he had a financial portfolio of 8.370 million United States Dollars, which he wished to have us turn over (invest) on his behalf.  

Now, after editing this between 3 and 5 am -- the time a friend of mine insists that my 'case of squirrels is most out of control' -- I came up with possibly the strangest edit I've done in the last day or so; I know it caused one friend who received a copy of it to berate me for not attaching a disclaimer about not drinking coffee while reading it:

Pardon me for not having the pleasure of knowing your mindset before making you this offer, but I just finished a very satisfying sexual encounter with a brussel sprout.  Yowza.  Heretofore I only did poke salad.  Poke....salad.  Uhhhh.
This that I am now de-aroused enough to have speaks with you about is utterly confidential and genuine by virtue of its eccentricities and multiple orifices. I cannot imagine the surprise this will bring to you, but please be rest assured that it will not rape your kitchen appliances or sodomize your Yugo, though it might try to seduce your vacuum cleaner if it's a Dirt Devil.

In 2005, I was subjected to excess groping by TSA agents and it got me thinking:  what if Nancy Pelosi were doing this to me right this minute?
It took me a week to clean up all the vomit.  But that's not why I'm writing.
I was the person assigned to determine if hamsters had karma and if so, why their wheels squeaked.  My first thought was that my superiors didn't think much of my acumen or other in-bred kin.  This of course was ridiculous to me, until my 987th thought was of the exact same thing, only with yaks in place of hamsters.  This suggested much bigger wheels, and caused me much time on the internet, only to find that every time I search engine 'yaks on running wheels' I came up with a photo montage of Miley Cyrus's tongue.
I made numerous suggestions in line with my oft-repeated dream of being chased by a platypus with a chain saw that was being ridden by Sponge Blob Squareplants, a carnivorous egg plant that once ate Deadtroit and now is eyeing Toledo for dessert.  Don't be too smug, might wind up the pre-entrée salad.  At any rate, just as I'm about to find out what dressing the egg plant prefers, I fart and my wife jackslaps me out of bed, so I never get to find out who married the fairy pit bull Soprano.
If someone knows, can you send me an email without spoiling the surprise?
In mid 2006, I sought Theraflu for this condition, and after six months of intensive treatments, I looked like something out of a Barney Frank dance recital.  At this point my therapist completely was, and he was forced to abdicate to Uranus, change his name and join a commune of leftover parts from a wayward alien probe built out of unexploded Ford Pintos.  He has since gotten back to me with a bill and no duck to pin it on.  This is most curious, though I suspect that things on Uranus aren't as they are here, though it is rumored to be similar to the place where Harry Reid has his head most of the time.
In January last year, we got a call from the a paraabnormal researcher who had been sleeptalking with the ghost of thanksgiving turkeys past, only to have the connection severed for having insufficient giblets stuffed in the right slots to maintain the astral bridging necessary for tellysavalas (mind melding with a bald parrot that speaks obscenities in 180 dialects).  While trying to re-establish contact, a 550 tiger named Kellogg punted him like a 50 yard field goal right through a pair of right ups, and a quick-thinking pixie tallied the score before a review could be red flagged.
Am I making sense here?  Damn I hope so...the hallucinagens in my meds are only generic.
This was an astounding position as far as I was concerned, given the fact that I managed the primates now running the DNC in Washington DC.  Four days later, information started to trickle in -- soeterodoesn'tcare sign ups -- but all that was learned was that a pet rock named Seymour, now ensconced in Arkansas, was learning to play The 1812 Overture on a banjo in d flat.  Good thing that the CMAs aren't being held there right now.  That might be more than Miley's tongue can waggle.
The bank of fog between my ears immediately launched an investigation into possible surviving the 1812 Overture in banjoed d flat, but it went down on a replica of the steam ship Umpaloompa somewhere in the Cape Hatteras inlet during a waxing gibbeous moon that needed to wear its pants higher to hide those really gnarly boxers with the Justin Bieber label on the butt.  If you are familiar with primate banking affairs -- strictly non sequitur to the last sentence -- those fool primates tend to throw things around rather than deposit them with an eye toward growth and interest.  A flurry of banana peels, a cloud of whatever it was and a hearty "oooga boooga" and we're left with a lot of unmade banana bread dough all over heckydarnpoo.
According to practice, we'll keep doing this email until we get it right.

The world of primate banking especially is fraught with huge banana fights and all sorts of vine-to-vine collisions.  The flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz were a myth.  Just sayin'.
My proposal;  marry my vegetable juicer, and I am prepared to place you in a position to take some of the most unusual photos ever shown since Miley Cyrus's tongue.  I am also prepared to share my intellectually-stunted pet ostrich, Olga, with you on a percentage basis, assuming that you can avoid having Olga peck the snarf out of you.  
Yes, I assure you that I have an intellectually-stunted pet ostrich named Olga.  
When you take all things herein this email together, along with a fifth of Ripple, all is done. The alternative would be for us to have to sign up for soeterodoesn'tcare as Azerbijani mutant ninja dung beetles.  This way there will be no need for you to think about having to file taxes in 2014.  You'd be dung with that.
We can fine-tune this orchestrated abomination with a kazoo, I think.  Just not a vuvuzela.  I am allergic to spit.

You may not know this but people like myself who have made up emails like this are douche nozzles. 

I send you this mail not without a measure of fear as to what the consequences, but I know within me that nothing I eat won't cause me volcanic flatulence that can stampede any animals in an elevator.  This is the one truth I have learned from my days as a turkey artificial inseminator.  Do not betray my confidence. If we can't be of one accord, please arrive to me in a Toyota.  Do NOT show up in a Chevy Volt, unless you want I should have Kelloggs play 'Punt The Greenie' thru the right ups. 
I am REALLY await your response to this jackwagon of a douche nozzle email.  Contact Email:

(my parents were doing meth when they named me) 
So far, Tee hasn't apparently (a) read what I dun to his email, Ma (b) been able to understand what I dun to his email, Ma (c) found a translation program that can tell him what I dun to his email, Ma or (d) figured out that further communication with me is going to get him more of the same only. 
Perhaps Tee is just hiding from a 550 pound tiger named Kelloggs that likes to punt things through right ups...

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Friday, December 20, 2013

Santa Responds To NORAD Critics

NORAD is bad for Christmas.


Seems NORAD's tracking of Santa every year on a website that kids can follow along on is bad...'cuz at some point, I guess it has fighter jets escorting Santa and the reindeer on their global one night journey.

Here's a segment of one post I found on the subject at Chicks On The Right:

The Boston-based Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood said the video brings violence and militarism to a beloved tradition. Others had similar criticism. Blogs and Twitter lit up with volleys from both sides.  

Oh for the love of politically correct Brillo tampons.  The post goes on:

Josh Golin, the coalition's associate director, reiterated his criticism in an interview with The Associated Press -- but he called the brouhaha "a media-manufactured controversy." The coalition hadn't known about the fighter jet video until reporters called, he said.  "Nobody in my organization was out there protesting," he said.  

It figures that a lefty (nowadays) bastion -- Boston -- would be home to something screwball like this bunch.  Then again, at least they're not weighing in on Santa's race, or PETA's ridicule of using reindeer in such a manner.  The post goes on with NORAD responding:

U.S. Navy Capt. Jeff Davis, a NORAD spokesman, said he understands the critics' point of view but disagrees.  "We really do feel strongly that it's something that is safe and non- threatening, and not something that would negatively impact children," he said. "In fact, we think that it's a lot of fun."  

Ah, NOW we get to why some on the Left are attacking the annual NORAD Christmas website:  "it's a lot of fun".  To the politically toxic Left, "military" and "fun" cannot co-exist.  Davis continues:

Davis said the fighter escort is nothing new. NORAD began depicting jets accompanying Santa and his reindeer in the 1960s, he said.

And the Left is only NOW getting around to making an issue of it?  Of course:  (a) the Internet wasn't around for web videos like this before the past 20 years or so, and (b) I guess Bush-bashing is finally on the wane.  Davis continues:

And he insisted the fighters in the video are unarmed: They're Canadian Air Force CF-18s, with a large external fuel tank under the belly that might look like a bomb. The wing racks that would carry bombs or missiles are empty, he explained.  

Okay, now I'M pissed:  what's wrong with OUR OWN USAF F-15s, 16s, 22s, 35s, whatever the flight path we're using now?  Or did NORAD think that the Left would be appeased by using another country's Air Force, as opposed to our own?

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*  Asked and answered.  I'll bet if NORAD had Snoopy escorting them on his Sopwith Dawghouse, the Boston clowns would be having to find some mistletoe or an indestructible fruitcake attacking elves to whine about.

As for the original claim of "violence" being brought into Christmas....when NORAD has the escorting fighters -- or whatever -- shoot at something attacking Santa...or shoot down Santa, THEN there will be violence they can bitch about. 

The latter is just the thing the Left at pmsnbc will probably applaud.

I note that the NORAD spokesperson failed to explain WHY Santa gets an escort during part of his annual global journey.  That's an easy one to answer:  he has to fly through Chicago and Deadtroit.  An armed escort through those venues is SOP these days.

At any rate...I read it, so I'm sharing it.  And I sent the post to Santa at the North Pole, seeking official reaction.  He responded back with the picture at the start of this post, along with a note:  "Gift delivery at the homes of members of this Boston-based organization this year.  Ho ho ho".

Let us hope NORAD's surveillance equipment -- or the NSA -- isn't taking keepsake photos at those particular stops.

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Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Indiana (doesn't) Want Me

At least the FBI office, located in Indianapolis, doesn't.

Though after this edit, that might change.

Scammers have a real love affair with impersonating the FBI it seems.  And they seem to be somewhat up on contemporary news; they seem to get that things in Washington DC tend to generate more contempt than fear these days.

So instead, they stage an FBI contact from elsewhere.

Like Indianapolis.

Of course, they're not THAT bright; they haven't done much to freshen up the template they use.  Here's a piece of the actual email I received:

Intelligence Field Unit
Address: 8825 Nelson B Klein Pkwy Indianapolis, IN 46250
Urgent Attention: Consignee

I am Special Agent in Charge Robert Allan Jones, from the Intelligence Unit of the Federal Bureau of Investigation Indiana Division (FBI). We just intercepted/confiscated one (1) Bosca Leather Briefcase at the Indianapolis International Airport Indiana. We are on the verge of moving this consignment to the bureau headquarters. However, we scanned the said box and found out that it contained a total of USD$5.5M Investigation carried out on the Diplomat who accompanied this Bosca Leather Briefcase into the United States, revealed that he was to make the delivery of the fund to your residence, as these fund are entitled to you, been Contract/Inheritance over due payments. The funds were from the office of the CBN Governor Mallam Sanusi Lamido Sanusi (central Bank of Nigeria) Federal Republic of Nigeria.
 Furthermore, after cross checking all the information we found in the Briefcase backing you up as the beneficiary of the funds, it became known to us that one of the documents is missing. This document is very important and until we get the document, the Briefcase will be temporarily confiscated pending when you will provide it. The much needed document is the Diplomatic Immunity Seal of Delivery Certificate (DISDC). This document will protect you from going against the US Patriot Act Section 314a and Section 314b. This delivery will be tagged A Diplomatic Transit Payment (D.T.P) once you get the document.
You are therefore required to get back to me within 72 hours so that I will guide you on how to get the much needed document. Failure to comply with this directive may lead to the permanent confiscation of the funds and possible arrest. We may also get the Financial Action Task Force on Money Laundering (FATF) involved if do not follow our instructions
Same mix of carrot and stick that previous 'FBI' emails have had.  And about as poorly written.
Still, I decided to have fun with it on three fronts.  First, I forwarded a copy to the Indianapolis, IN branch of the FBI; I'm sure they're already aware of the scam, and would suggest to me to simply delete the email and be done with it.
*BUZZZZZZZZZER*  I already told them in the forward what I intended to do with it.
First, I replied in a manner sure to draw the scammers out for what they were really after:  a fee payment for a referenced document.  Sadly, my effort to draw them out came acropper; I never heard back after emailing them to "tell me what is to be done next".
Second, I forwarded the original email to a secondary address...and from there, I performed a surgical edit of dubious intent, which I shared back with them and a number of their peers and cohorts.  That wound up looking like this:

INDIANA DIVISION ("Indiana Wants You...So You Can't Come Back Here")
Intelligence Field Unit
Address: 8825 Nelson B Klein Pkwy Indianapolis, IN 46250
Urgent Attention: Consignee

I am Special Agent in Charge R. Dean Taylor, from the SansIntelligence Unit of the Federal Bureau of Investigation* Indiana Division (FBI). We just intercepted/confiscated one (1) wildebeest feces-stained Leather Briefcase at the Indianapolis International Airport Indiana. We are on the verge of moving this consignment to the bureau hindquarters, but frankly aren't sure about the wildebeest feces. However, we scanned the said box and found out that it contained a total of USD $5.99 in pennies and an uneaten PB&J sandwich, which is racist in Portland, Or.  Investigation carried out on the Diplomat who accompanied this wildebeest feces-stained Leather Briefcase into the United States, revealed that he died of carpinella, a disease caused by breathing in fumes from wildebeest feces-coated brief cases.  This is what our Special Agent In Charge of Autopsies, SansIntelligence Unit of the FBI in Indiana Wants Me concluded.  One case closed with another still to open.
See what we just did there?  It's okay, because we're the FBI and Indianans know that this is what we do here, along with watching corn pollinate.
Now we wish have speaks with you on accounta cuz this wildebeest feces-stained leather briefcase was to make the delivery of the fund to your residence, as these fund are entitled to you, been Contract/Inheritance over due payments. The funds were from the office of the CBN Governor Mallam Sanusi Lamido Sanusi (central Bank of Nigeria) Federal Republic of Nigeria.
What we want to know is, were you buying something from His Nibs for USD $5.99, or did he intend to get you with the wildebeest feces coating, as it got the diplomat?
Always questions.  Sh**, the old FBI show could solve sh** like this within an hour. 
Furthermore -- we love inserting multiple-syllable words, even if they are aforementionalitied and thus non sequitur --  after cross checking all the information we found in the Briefcase, half of our staff came down with carpinella, so I'm pulling double shifts and I am NOT happy about this.  You can bet you on our having speaks will NOT be pheasant for you, bunky.
What I did note -- as the only working member of my department still able to function after exposure to wildebeest feces coating a leather briefcase -- is that a document, written carefully on the only piece of unused toilet paper inside the case, is missing. This document is very important I am suspecting and until we get to have our four or five ensic investigators examine it with proper HAZMAT protections in place, the Briefcase will be temporarily heremetically sealed inside an outhouse in the parking lot next to an adult bookstore under construction that we're eagerly awaiting opening.  The much needed document is a Diplomatic Immunity Seal -- we smelled the fish and heard it barking somewhere nearby -- and this seal is vital to protect you from going against the New England Patriots on Sunday next.
You are therefore -- with a thereby, heretowith and in so far as insurmountably inextractible aforethought (we told you we is enamored of them kinda words here) -- required to get back to me within 72 hours so that I will guide you on how to get the much needed seal to lead us to the mucher-needed document. Failure to comply with this directive may lead to the rest of us here getting sick from the wildebeest feces coating on the briefcase, and this will piss us off a whole big bunch, you understand.  And THAT can lead to permanent confiscation of your virginity and possible arrest. We may also get the Unaffordable Hellthscare Act people to enroll you in the most expensive plan they have (if they ever get that piece of crap webslight working) if do not follow our instructions. You are also advised not to get in contact with any other city or state FBI, because we of the Indiana Wants You FBI are the only FBI that you'll ever need.

Special Agent in Charge
R. Dean Taylor
Federal Bureau of Investigation*
Intelligence Field Unit
Confidentiality Notice: This communication and its attachments may contain a jackwagon load of douche nozzle hocus pocus ad hork nonsense infinitum. The unlawful interception, use or disclosure of such information is immaterial to us, so's long as one stupid person believes this crap and responds.  If you are not the intended recipient, or have received this communication in error, please realize that you are NOW the intended recipient and there is no error.  Please make multiple copies of this hokum and distribute it to friends and family soonest...Mama wants a new gazelle butt purse that's on sale at the Lagos Walmart.
* we're hoping that calling ourselves the FBI will make you wet yourself if you dare to consider not complying with this email.  'Cuz if you don't, it'll make us look bad with our handlers...and then we'll wet ourselves instead. 
Sadly, the Indiana-wants-me FBI chose not to respond to the edit, either.  I reckon that Indiana don't really want me after all.
Certainly the Nigerian branch of Indiana doesn't  ;-)

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Saturday, December 14, 2013

Don't Fart In The Centerpiece

For all of you that receive a decorative centerpiece floral design for the holidays from an anonymous admirer...relax.

It's just the NSA.

Well maybe.

Once again -- and in a less intimidating tone than used more recently -- the FBI is again contacting me about internet scams.

They and the UN want to compensate me.

The NSA could have told them I haven't been scammed yet.

Oh any rate, the FBI works in mysterious ways.  And from exotic places.  Like somewhere in the Scam Capital of Africa.

So I kept some of that in mind, along with a couple of nice, not-too-loud shout outs to the NSA, just 'cuz that's the type of dude I am:

Not Your Grandfather's FBI
James B. Comey
Excutive Director
September 4, 2013 - Present


This mail serves as a listening ear to the NSA, who remind you not to fart into the flower arrangement on your dining room table; the ear
pieces they use are sensitive.
We have been having a meeting for the past 7 months which ended 2 days ago with the end of our donut delivery contract.  What we concluded after a 7 month meeting is that (a) we need more donuts (b) we should have had three porta-potties instead of one (c) John Kerry really IS ugly up close (d) Hillary Clinton has gas (e) and we want the Gong Show brought back.
The Secretary General of the United Nations Organization had decided that, as far as scams on the internet go, this is okay.  If the current potus can run the ACA scam online, so can we of the United Nations.  We have to be good at something.
 This message is to all the people that have been scammed in any part of the world:  the United Nations did it.  What's more, we are up to doing it again and again and again, until we are sure that we have missed no one.  

We have a database of victims that we cannot access because we used the same IT developers that your potus used for his ACA online scam, and ours doesn't work any better than Oregon's does.  But you may rest assured that we're working on making it even worse than it is.  It's what we of the UN do.
Today, we are pitching a swift card scam, wherein our operatives at Third World internet cafes throughout Nigeria, Benin, Burkina Fatso and Ghana are trying to send you an ATM card that is constipated.  That is to say that you won't be able to get sh*t from it, but it will cost you to receive it.  We love how it works that way.
Dammit...which one of you just farted into your table centerpiece flower arrangement?  We had an NSA person go running through here shouting that he was deafened by a death fart...

INSTRUCTION/WARNING FROM HIS EXCELLENCY DR YAYI BONI:  when using the ACA webblight, remember to flush and wash your hands.  There's nothing but dishonest sh*t there.

Instead, you should contact OUR webslight -- a masterful knockoff of the ACA site that will allow us to get all your personals without you getting anythings back in return -- and ask to have speaks with this person:
Position: Auditor General (NAICOM)

Note: we are on investigation and security watch over any message with the ACA, to benefit the satisfaction of all the douche nozzles of the potus staff by seeking to wiretap peoples who call the ACA a scam on the internet.  They is obliviously jealous that the potus can screw up a wet dream with Jay Carney's junk.
 Without wasting much time, we want you to contact them immediately with the above email address so as to enable them attend to your case accordingly without any further delay as time is already running out.  We had two cuckoo clocks already get away today alone.

Should in case you need any more information's in regards to this notification, feel free to get back to us so that we can debrief you more as we are much in shortage here of quality briefs.  Loin cloths made of tree bark just don't get it done, and leave ugly scratch marks on our junk. 
Thank you very much for your co-operation in advance as we earnestly await your urgent response to this matter.


James B. Comey
Federal Burro Making An Ass Of Itself (EXCUTIVE DIRECTOR) 

No, I haven't as yet received my anonymously-sent decorative centerpiece floral thingee with Spock ears attached; when I do, my first act of appreciation will be to see if it flies from three stories up.

Bet that'll leave an audible mark...

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Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Email Road Kill

Perhaps the original road kill, Warner Bros style.

Though the umbrella is a nice touch.

Why road kill?  On accounta cuz I made it the central theme in a recent email edit.

If the scammer'd been from Arkansas, I could never have pulled it off.

He ain't.

Here's his ploy to me:

My name is Steve Benson. I work with one of the leading Banks here in London, UK. I would need your consent to present you as the next of kin to our late customer who died of heart attack in 2009. He was a wealthy business man who deposited a huge amount in our Bank. He died without any registered next of kin as he was long divorced and had no child.

I was his account officer and have in my possession all the documents required to present you as his beneficiary next of kin. I contacted you because you have same name identity with our late client and can perfectly fit in as next of kin, We can work together to claim this fund. Please listen, this is real
and goes on in Banks all over the world without people knowing. Let us utilize this opportunity because it does not come always. A lot of customers open private accounts with different Banks without the knowledge of their families and when they die, such money will be lost  to the Bank unless someone comes to claim it. This is how a lot of Bank Directors make so much money silently.

On your confirmation of this message and indicating your interest, I will furnish you with more details. Please endeavor to provide me with the following so that we can discuss in details:

1)mobile phone numbers
2)full name
3)contact address and occupation

I urgently hope to get your response as soon as possible.
Yours Sincerely,
Steve Benson  

Since his email scam was DOA -- dead on arrival -- I saw therein an opportunity with the edit.  My pet rock, Seymour, says I'm one twisted dude.  He's right, anytime I visit the chiropractor:

My name is Steve Benson. I have sex with road kill.  They don't bite my winkee off that way.
I used to try to have sex with small animals, but an angry marmot bit my winkee off and it cost me in excess of $50,000 to have it surgically replaced.
It sucked.
So I switched to road kill.  Did you know that ducks are necrophilquacks?
See what I just did there?
Anyway....the real reason that I am writing to you is that I want to establish a world wide network of people who have sex with road kill.  We'll call it the I Screw Road Kill International (ISRKI), with our headquarters here in London, UK, 'cuz here the Brits are dumb enough to allow ANYTHING.
We're working on branch offices in Teheran, Dumbasscus, Paris, Seattle, Washington DC and Chicago.
I would need your consent to present you as the next elected candidate to join ISRKI, so that we can show that we are a serious and upcoming organization.
That way we can get ads on PMSNBC and an interview with Rachal Madcow, of whom it is said that having sex with her is like doing road kill.  We also hear it's similar with Nancy Pelosi, Sandra Fluke and Sheila Jackson Lee.
I was little more than a mild-manured accountant until I had this revelation that screwing road kill was uber safer and more faddish than trying to poke a pissy badger or marmot.  A $50,000 surgical lesson later, and I am a wiser animal sodomist with a dream.  And a vision.
And animal herpes.  But I digress.
On your confirmation of this message and indicating your interest, I will furnish you with more details. Please endeavor to provide me with the following so that we can discuss in details:

1)mobile phone numbers
2)full name
3)contact address and occupation

I urgently hope to get your response as soon as possible.
Yours Sincerely,
Steve Benson
PS: if I don't answer right away, I'm probably in the middle of doing a road kill duck.  Leave a message and I'll get quack to you as soonest as possible. 
As I said...if Steve Benson is from Arkansas, I'll reckon on a response.  If not...I'm sure he didn't get what I just did there.

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Sunday, December 8, 2013

An Online FAIL

How many email scammer "handlers" do you suspect are doing this when the response their employees receive to one of their scams, happens to be one of MINE?

I hope most of them.

But I digress.

You gotta know that some handlers of Third World internet cafes -- having to use sub-educated persons of dubious antecedence as exist in Nigeria and out of the Washington DC public school system -- are doing what this icon is doing, after reading what their charges are sending out.

Take for example this online loan scam I just received:

We offer both business and personal loans worldwide bir anyone above
18 years with interest rate of 3%. If you are stressed financially
hiçbir new problem is more because surely solve your financial
problems easily you. This loan company can be trusted because of our
great expercience bir Over the years, the applicant must submit mezar:

Name: __________________________
Address: ________________________
Country: _________________________
Occupation: ______________________
Loan Reguest_____________________
Loan____________________ purpose
Loan Duration______________________
Monthly income: ____________________
Phone: _____________________
LOAN DURATION____________________

Looks like something you'd see out of a DC high school senior, doesn't it?

If that doesn't make a scam email handler want to bang their head, my edit of the email might:

We offer both biscuits and personal lesions in prostitutional
Englishese farm letters worldwide to anyones above 18 years
virginity with a plus or minus rape of 3% con carnaged daily.
If you are stressed at reading this, wait until the next sentence.
Hiçbir new problem is more because surely solve your financial
problems easily you.  See what I meaned?
This loan company -- Marian Lisa Loan Home & Vagina can be
trusted because of our having provided teleprompter service to
your current potus since 2007, back when we realize he read
everything we teleprompt.  We still laughing at the "if you lick your
insurance plan you can sleep with it" one.
So for good time with great expercience bir Over the years,
you as the applicant must submit mezar*

Name: __________________________
Address: ________________________
Country: _________________________
Occupation: ______________________
Loan Guest: ______________________
Loan Reguest_____________________
Loan First Guest/Reguest purpose or porpoise:____________________
Loan Duration______________________
Mothly income: ____________________
Number of socks they eat when in they come: _______________________
Phone: _____________________
LOAN DURATION____________________
I already asked that didn't I: ________________________
*  WTF is mezar?  Not we know, but it writed in original email,
so it must be elephant to this emailage.  Your insults may vary. 
No, I don't expect I'll win any points here with the politically correct crowd.  They probably got duped by this email, and they think it isn't fair that I didn't  ;-)

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Thursday, December 5, 2013

ATM Cards Can Do So Much

Well...this MIGHT be happening in Canada.  But with more liberalized pot laws in Colorado, I think it more likely in Nederland.

And I digress.

'Tis the time of year for scammers to ramp up their ATM card scams.  Oh yes.  They need our gullibility this time of year.

Their hootchy mamas need new shoes.

So I get me one of these:

Attention: ATM Card Beneficiary,

I wish to use this medium to inform you that your CONTRACT/INHERITANCE Payment of (US$4.5) Four Million Five hundred thousand US  dollars only from ASIA have been RELEASED and APPROVED for onward Transfer to you through an ATM CARD after our meeting with United Nations and International monetary fund (IMF)which you will use to withdraw all the US$3.5Million United States Dollars in any ATM SERVICE MACHINE in any part of the world,But the maximum amount you can withdraw daily is the sum of USD$5,000.00 only.

We the board of trustees of United Nations/IMF have also mandated the British Government designated bank to send your ATM CARD and PIN NUMBER to you which you will use to withdraw all your USD$3.5Million in any ATM SERVICE MACHINE in any part of the world. You are therefore advised to contact the DIRECTOR OF ATM CARD  OPERATIONS in U.K with the information stated below:


Small wonder that the moose is smiling.  Or just high.

At any rate, I didn't really have a lot of time for this particular scammer's being full of it.  Then again, after the *TOING* that last reaction generated, I figured I could make use of it accordingly.  Thus:

Attention: ATM Card Beneficiary,

I wish to use this extra large to inform you that all of our new ATM cards were issued CONSTIPATED.  We are most mortified by this.  How may you ask can an ATM card be CONSTIPATED?
Exactly what we're asking our ATM card supplier.
We won't rest until this is answered.  Or by siesta time, whichever comes first.

We the board of trustees of United Nations/IMF have also mandated that the British Government answer the question HOW CAN AN ATM CARD BE CONSTIPATED?  We were going to ask the US Government this same thing, but one look at Hillary Clinton explains how ATM cards in the USA can become CONSTIPATED.
When you are ready to inquire as to why and how an ATM card could be issued CONSTIPATED for any reason, please to CONTACT PERSON: Dr Peter Smith, THE DIRECTOR OF CONSTIPATED ATM CARD OPERATIONS, EMAIL address :

We wish to use this opportunity to express our sincere apology over your plight in the past years with our CONSTIPATED ATM CARDS, and we wish to assure you of prompt efforts on our part to remedy this situation as soonest as it is our ability to figure out how to UNCONSTIPATE your ATM card.

We tried squeezing it....doesn't work.  But we're still working on it.
Thanking you in advance for your anticipated patience.

No response from the scammer so far, and the only response from the DNC is to have the IRS see if I'm a Tea Party member...

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Sunday, December 1, 2013

A Pet Rock Edits A Cult

Seymour, my world-traveling pet rock -- even as he luxuriates in rustic Arkansasian splendor -- is apparently allowed internet access. 

And he makes use of it.

He apparently found a news article about the opening of a new cult facility in Florida.  I needn't name the cult; it's enough that South Park had some fun widdit in Season 9 (as noted on the right).

After reading the story, Seymour emailed me with his idea of a parody 'edit' for the story.


So if anyone has an issue with the following, you want to address your hate mail to Seymour PetRock. 

"Do NOT!!!!"

Ignore the last protest.  Here's Seymour's idea of a news story edit:

Church of Slyentology Spends A Lot Of Money

By Bob Smith, Alias Smith & Jones News Soivice

Escaped animations from a Season 9 South Park parody that represented Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kelly Preston and the dead-but-animated Chef, were reportedly among the couple dozen gathered Sunday in Clunkwater, Fla., to dedicate the new multi-million dollar addition to the Church of Slyentology's collection of screwball facilities.

The 377,-000-square-foot building – paid for by funds duped out of people having their thetins charted – is the only one of the church's facilities to have special rooms for practicing the "100 Ways To Leave Your Money With Us" program designed by Slyentology's flounder L. Rod Hobard. The church has been waiting since the 1970s, when Hobard came up with the program during a bout of dysentery, to have a proper venue to unveil it.

The program is designed to create, foster, delude and mentally defecate what Hobard described as human beings' 57 states visited by Barrycades Hussein Soetero during his World Apology Tour in '09. Hobard – who allegedly died only to have his thetins rise and infect Debbie Wasserman Schultz – subsequently attempted to telepathically communicate this program update through an animated cartoon character on a South Park episode, only to have the character experience a moment of 'Xenu Gotcher Tongue' and not spell it out. So Hobard had to telepathically send it via a Nigerian 419 email scammer named Ukulele Unga Bunga. 

"Hobard said – via Unga Bunga – that his pogrom will develop Slyentologists, [giving them] new skills, new abilities to perpetuate awareness and 35% of $27 Million USD left to a refugee in a Liechtensteinian camp after her father was turned into a gazelle butt by a crazed witch doctor who does a show on PMSNBC under the pseudonimrod of Toure" Bill Jones, the Alias Smith & Jones' senior editor-at-large-until-the-warrant-expires, told the equally discredited CNN show Crosseyed. "[That] it'll position Slyentologists to take a lead, he said, in leading the world into the famous if mythically animated Stan Marsh's closet [and] saving Nigerian 419ers with new invigorations of their online scams."

Only Slyentologists, such as the animated Cruise, Travolta, Preston and the dead but reanimated Chef, were allowed inside the building led by church leader Davit Miscarriage. The ceremony was kept strictly primate by a couple church volunteer baboons when they discovered that the same people who brought you the obamadoesn'tcare webslight fiasco, had also designed their online virtual tour, which wound up as an eight minute revisitation of a recent anal probe of Nancy Pelosi.
That revelation alone helped to keep onlookers, including the media, out.

A graphic animation that was supposed to have been on the church's website – designed by the same donor to the flotus' oversized staff, and is crashing webslights like black ice does cars during a snowstorm in the South – suggests that the building includes an atrium, gazebo, gesundheit, bookstore, a special “Have You Hugged Your Thetins Today” genital wart therapy room, a call center for people who have been duped by the new hellthscare law and now need a Nigerian 419er named Mariam Abacha to complete the ruin of their finances, and a “How We're Gonna Get South Park Back” situation room. But church officials have declined to release any additional details and have not said when, or if, the building will be open to Elect Hillary in '16. They're still trying to figure out if Hillary is another reborn clone of Xenu as well.

Heavily redacted documents submitted to the city of Clunkwater by Slyentologist Horny Boo Boo also show the building includes a douching facility, orifices, off-course rooms and hundreds of small rooms for "thetin misappropriation, auditing and obfuscationetics," the Alias Smith & Jones News Soivice reports.

Renderings of the building were leaked to The Little Kingdom Come newspaper in 2013 also show that among the new tools for Slyentologists are a motion gorkusnator that will reportedly stick a thetin anal probe up your backside and spin you like a misaligned tire to improve your perception of “this really SUCKS”, and a tool that will reportedly check your dipstick for how much of a dip you are.

"On the fifth floor are some machines that Slyentology says can help distort public perception of just how big a dumbass Joe Bidumb really is" said Jones.

The Church of Slyentology responded to Alias Smith & Jones News Soivice with a free* “How Much Your Ass Resembles Harry Reid” screening offer at a special discounted rate. Alias Smith & Jones News Soivice has not as yet responded.
* ...c'mawn....doing thetin work ups has to cost SOMEONE money ;-)  

Seymour thinks this will get him in line for a Pulitzer.  I told him it's more in line for a "Pullmyfanger".

"Is NOT!!!"

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