Indiana (doesn't) Want Me

At least the FBI office, located in Indianapolis, doesn't.

Though after this edit, that might change.

Scammers have a real love affair with impersonating the FBI it seems.  And they seem to be somewhat up on contemporary news; they seem to get that things in Washington DC tend to generate more contempt than fear these days.

So instead, they stage an FBI contact from elsewhere.

Like Indianapolis.

Of course, they're not THAT bright; they haven't done much to freshen up the template they use.  Here's a piece of the actual email I received:

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
INDIANA DIVISION
Intelligence Field Unit
Address: 8825 Nelson B Klein Pkwy Indianapolis, IN 46250

 

Urgent Attention: Consignee

I am Special Agent in Charge Robert Allan Jones, from the Intelligence Unit of the Federal Bureau of Investigation Indiana Division (FBI). We just intercepted/confiscated one (1) Bosca Leather Briefcase at the Indianapolis International Airport Indiana. We are on the verge of moving this consignment to the bureau headquarters. However, we scanned the said box and found out that it contained a total of USD$5.5M Investigation carried out on the Diplomat who accompanied this Bosca Leather Briefcase into the United States, revealed that he was to make the delivery of the fund to your residence, as these fund are entitled to you, been Contract/Inheritance over due payments. The funds were from the office of the CBN Governor Mallam Sanusi Lamido Sanusi (central Bank of Nigeria) Federal Republic of Nigeria.

 

 Furthermore, after cross checking all the information we found in the Briefcase backing you up as the beneficiary of the funds, it became known to us that one of the documents is missing. This document is very important and until we get the document, the Briefcase will be temporarily confiscated pending when you will provide it. The much needed document is the Diplomatic Immunity Seal of Delivery Certificate (DISDC). This document will protect you from going against the US Patriot Act Section 314a and Section 314b. This delivery will be tagged A Diplomatic Transit Payment (D.T.P) once you get the document.

 
You are therefore required to get back to me within 72 hours so that I will guide you on how to get the much needed document. Failure to comply with this directive may lead to the permanent confiscation of the funds and possible arrest. We may also get the Financial Action Task Force on Money Laundering (FATF) involved if do not follow our instructions. 

 

 

Same mix of carrot and stick that previous 'FBI' emails have had.  And about as poorly written.

 

Still, I decided to have fun with it on three fronts.  First, I forwarded a copy to the Indianapolis, IN branch of the FBI; I'm sure they're already aware of the scam, and would suggest to me to simply delete the email and be done with it.

 

*BUZZZZZZZZZER*  I already told them in the forward what I intended to do with it.

 

First, I replied in a manner sure to draw the scammers out for what they were really after:  a fee payment for a referenced document.  Sadly, my effort to draw them out came acropper; I never heard back after emailing them to "tell me what is to be done next".

 

Second, I forwarded the original email to a secondary address...and from there, I performed a surgical edit of dubious intent, which I shared back with them and a number of their peers and cohorts.  That wound up looking like this:

 

 

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION*
INDIANA DIVISION ("Indiana Wants You...So You Can't Come Back Here")
Intelligence Field Unit
Address: 8825 Nelson B Klein Pkwy Indianapolis, IN 46250

 

 

Urgent Attention: Consignee

I am Special Agent in Charge R. Dean Taylor, from the SansIntelligence Unit of the Federal Bureau of Investigation* Indiana Division (FBI). We just intercepted/confiscated one (1) wildebeest feces-stained Leather Briefcase at the Indianapolis International Airport Indiana. We are on the verge of moving this consignment to the bureau hindquarters, but frankly aren't sure about the wildebeest feces. However, we scanned the said box and found out that it contained a total of USD $5.99 in pennies and an uneaten PB&J sandwich, which is racist in Portland, Or.  Investigation carried out on the Diplomat who accompanied this wildebeest feces-stained Leather Briefcase into the United States, revealed that he died of carpinella, a disease caused by breathing in fumes from wildebeest feces-coated brief cases.  This is what our Special Agent In Charge of Autopsies, SansIntelligence Unit of the FBI in Indiana Wants Me concluded.  One case closed with another still to open.

 

 

See what we just did there?  It's okay, because we're the FBI and Indianans know that this is what we do here, along with watching corn pollinate.

 

 

Now we wish have speaks with you on accounta cuz this wildebeest feces-stained leather briefcase was to make the delivery of the fund to your residence, as these fund are entitled to you, been Contract/Inheritance over due payments. The funds were from the office of the CBN Governor Mallam Sanusi Lamido Sanusi (central Bank of Nigeria) Federal Republic of Nigeria.

 

 

What we want to know is, were you buying something from His Nibs for USD $5.99, or did he intend to get you with the wildebeest feces coating, as it got the diplomat?

 

 

Always questions.  Sh**, the old FBI show could solve sh** like this within an hour. 

 

 
Furthermore -- we love inserting multiple-syllable words, even if they are aforementionalitied and thus non sequitur --  after cross checking all the information we found in the Briefcase, half of our staff came down with carpinella, so I'm pulling double shifts and I am NOT happy about this.  You can bet you on our having speaks will NOT be pheasant for you, bunky.

 

 

What I did note -- as the only working member of my department still able to function after exposure to wildebeest feces coating a leather briefcase -- is that a document, written carefully on the only piece of unused toilet paper inside the case, is missing. This document is very important I am suspecting and until we get to have our four or five ensic investigators examine it with proper HAZMAT protections in place, the Briefcase will be temporarily heremetically sealed inside an outhouse in the parking lot next to an adult bookstore under construction that we're eagerly awaiting opening.  The much needed document is a Diplomatic Immunity Seal -- we smelled the fish and heard it barking somewhere nearby -- and this seal is vital to protect you from going against the New England Patriots on Sunday next.

 

 

You are therefore -- with a thereby, heretowith and in so far as insurmountably inextractible aforethought (we told you we is enamored of them kinda words here) -- required to get back to me within 72 hours so that I will guide you on how to get the much needed seal to lead us to the mucher-needed document. Failure to comply with this directive may lead to the rest of us here getting sick from the wildebeest feces coating on the briefcase, and this will piss us off a whole big bunch, you understand.  And THAT can lead to permanent confiscation of your virginity and possible arrest. We may also get the Unaffordable Hellthscare Act people to enroll you in the most expensive plan they have (if they ever get that piece of crap webslight working) if do not follow our instructions. You are also advised not to get in contact with any other city or state FBI, because we of the Indiana Wants You FBI are the only FBI that you'll ever need.

 

Special Agent in Charge

R. Dean Taylor
Federal Bureau of Investigation*
Intelligence Field Unit  agen-robertallenjones@syvip.com

 

 

Confidentiality Notice: This communication and its attachments may contain a jackwagon load of douche nozzle hocus pocus ad hork nonsense infinitum. The unlawful interception, use or disclosure of such information is immaterial to us, so's long as one stupid person believes this crap and responds.  If you are not the intended recipient, or have received this communication in error, please realize that you are NOW the intended recipient and there is no error.  Please make multiple copies of this hokum and distribute it to friends and family soonest...Mama wants a new gazelle butt purse that's on sale at the Lagos Walmart.

 

* we're hoping that calling ourselves the FBI will make you wet yourself if you dare to consider not complying with this email.  'Cuz if you don't, it'll make us look bad with our handlers...and then we'll wet ourselves instead. 

 

 

Sadly, the Indiana-wants-me FBI chose not to respond to the edit, either.  I reckon that Indiana don't really want me after all.

 

Certainly the Nigerian branch of Indiana doesn't  ;-)