Sunday, December 1, 2013

A Pet Rock Edits A Cult

Seymour, my world-traveling pet rock -- even as he luxuriates in rustic Arkansasian splendor -- is apparently allowed internet access. 

And he makes use of it.

He apparently found a news article about the opening of a new cult facility in Florida.  I needn't name the cult; it's enough that South Park had some fun widdit in Season 9 (as noted on the right).

After reading the story, Seymour emailed me with his idea of a parody 'edit' for the story.


So if anyone has an issue with the following, you want to address your hate mail to Seymour PetRock. 

"Do NOT!!!!"

Ignore the last protest.  Here's Seymour's idea of a news story edit:

Church of Slyentology Spends A Lot Of Money

By Bob Smith, Alias Smith & Jones News Soivice

Escaped animations from a Season 9 South Park parody that represented Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kelly Preston and the dead-but-animated Chef, were reportedly among the couple dozen gathered Sunday in Clunkwater, Fla., to dedicate the new multi-million dollar addition to the Church of Slyentology's collection of screwball facilities.

The 377,-000-square-foot building – paid for by funds duped out of people having their thetins charted – is the only one of the church's facilities to have special rooms for practicing the "100 Ways To Leave Your Money With Us" program designed by Slyentology's flounder L. Rod Hobard. The church has been waiting since the 1970s, when Hobard came up with the program during a bout of dysentery, to have a proper venue to unveil it.

The program is designed to create, foster, delude and mentally defecate what Hobard described as human beings' 57 states visited by Barrycades Hussein Soetero during his World Apology Tour in '09. Hobard – who allegedly died only to have his thetins rise and infect Debbie Wasserman Schultz – subsequently attempted to telepathically communicate this program update through an animated cartoon character on a South Park episode, only to have the character experience a moment of 'Xenu Gotcher Tongue' and not spell it out. So Hobard had to telepathically send it via a Nigerian 419 email scammer named Ukulele Unga Bunga. 

"Hobard said – via Unga Bunga – that his pogrom will develop Slyentologists, [giving them] new skills, new abilities to perpetuate awareness and 35% of $27 Million USD left to a refugee in a Liechtensteinian camp after her father was turned into a gazelle butt by a crazed witch doctor who does a show on PMSNBC under the pseudonimrod of Toure" Bill Jones, the Alias Smith & Jones' senior editor-at-large-until-the-warrant-expires, told the equally discredited CNN show Crosseyed. "[That] it'll position Slyentologists to take a lead, he said, in leading the world into the famous if mythically animated Stan Marsh's closet [and] saving Nigerian 419ers with new invigorations of their online scams."

Only Slyentologists, such as the animated Cruise, Travolta, Preston and the dead but reanimated Chef, were allowed inside the building led by church leader Davit Miscarriage. The ceremony was kept strictly primate by a couple church volunteer baboons when they discovered that the same people who brought you the obamadoesn'tcare webslight fiasco, had also designed their online virtual tour, which wound up as an eight minute revisitation of a recent anal probe of Nancy Pelosi.
That revelation alone helped to keep onlookers, including the media, out.

A graphic animation that was supposed to have been on the church's website – designed by the same donor to the flotus' oversized staff, and is crashing webslights like black ice does cars during a snowstorm in the South – suggests that the building includes an atrium, gazebo, gesundheit, bookstore, a special “Have You Hugged Your Thetins Today” genital wart therapy room, a call center for people who have been duped by the new hellthscare law and now need a Nigerian 419er named Mariam Abacha to complete the ruin of their finances, and a “How We're Gonna Get South Park Back” situation room. But church officials have declined to release any additional details and have not said when, or if, the building will be open to Elect Hillary in '16. They're still trying to figure out if Hillary is another reborn clone of Xenu as well.

Heavily redacted documents submitted to the city of Clunkwater by Slyentologist Horny Boo Boo also show the building includes a douching facility, orifices, off-course rooms and hundreds of small rooms for "thetin misappropriation, auditing and obfuscationetics," the Alias Smith & Jones News Soivice reports.

Renderings of the building were leaked to The Little Kingdom Come newspaper in 2013 also show that among the new tools for Slyentologists are a motion gorkusnator that will reportedly stick a thetin anal probe up your backside and spin you like a misaligned tire to improve your perception of “this really SUCKS”, and a tool that will reportedly check your dipstick for how much of a dip you are.

"On the fifth floor are some machines that Slyentology says can help distort public perception of just how big a dumbass Joe Bidumb really is" said Jones.

The Church of Slyentology responded to Alias Smith & Jones News Soivice with a free* “How Much Your Ass Resembles Harry Reid” screening offer at a special discounted rate. Alias Smith & Jones News Soivice has not as yet responded.
* ...c'mawn....doing thetin work ups has to cost SOMEONE money ;-)  

Seymour thinks this will get him in line for a Pulitzer.  I told him it's more in line for a "Pullmyfanger".

"Is NOT!!!"

Labels: , , ,


Blogger Sandee said...

Well you know I'm partial to Seymour so I think he did a fine job here. He's very witty.

Have a terrific day Seymour. My best to your person. ♥♥♥

01 December, 2013 08:00  
Blogger Right Truth said...

Cult is right. Like Hotel California ... You can check-out any time you like, But you can never leave!

Very few get out (alive).

Right Truth

04 December, 2013 16:38  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home