Saturday, December 14, 2013

Don't Fart In The Centerpiece

For all of you that receive a decorative centerpiece floral design for the holidays from an anonymous admirer...relax.

It's just the NSA.

Well maybe.

Once again -- and in a less intimidating tone than used more recently -- the FBI is again contacting me about internet scams.

They and the UN want to compensate me.

The NSA could have told them I haven't been scammed yet.

Oh well....at any rate, the FBI works in mysterious ways.  And from exotic places.  Like somewhere in the Scam Capital of Africa.

So I kept some of that in mind, along with a couple of nice, not-too-loud shout outs to the NSA, just 'cuz that's the type of dude I am:


Not Your Grandfather's FBI
James B. Comey
Excutive Director
September 4, 2013 - Present


FEDERAL BURRO SEEKING TO WIRETAP THE INTERNET, MAKES ASS OF SELF.

This mail serves as a listening ear to the NSA, who remind you not to fart into the flower arrangement on your dining room table; the ear
pieces they use are sensitive.
 
We have been having a meeting for the past 7 months which ended 2 days ago with the end of our donut delivery contract.  What we concluded after a 7 month meeting is that (a) we need more donuts (b) we should have had three porta-potties instead of one (c) John Kerry really IS ugly up close (d) Hillary Clinton has gas (e) and we want the Gong Show brought back.
 
The Secretary General of the United Nations Organization had decided that, as far as scams on the internet go, this is okay.  If the current potus can run the ACA scam online, so can we of the United Nations.  We have to be good at something.
 
 This message is to all the people that have been scammed in any part of the world:  the United Nations did it.  What's more, we are up to doing it again and again and again, until we are sure that we have missed no one.  

We have a database of victims that we cannot access because we used the same IT developers that your potus used for his ACA online scam, and ours doesn't work any better than Oregon's does.  But you may rest assured that we're working on making it even worse than it is.  It's what we of the UN do.
 
Today, we are pitching a swift card scam, wherein our operatives at Third World internet cafes throughout Nigeria, Benin, Burkina Fatso and Ghana are trying to send you an ATM card that is constipated.  That is to say that you won't be able to get sh*t from it, but it will cost you to receive it.  We love how it works that way.
 
Dammit...which one of you just farted into your table centerpiece flower arrangement?  We had an NSA person go running through here shouting that he was deafened by a death fart...

INSTRUCTION/WARNING FROM HIS EXCELLENCY DR YAYI BONI:  when using the ACA webblight, remember to flush and wash your hands.  There's nothing but dishonest sh*t there.

Instead, you should contact OUR webslight -- a masterful knockoff of the ACA site that will allow us to get all your personals without you getting anythings back in return -- and ask to have speaks with this person:
Name: MR TOBAK JAMES DOLA
Position: Auditor General (NAICOM)
E-mail:
tobak-directorcustomercare@live.com

Note: we are on investigation and security watch over any message with the ACA, to benefit the satisfaction of all the douche nozzles of the potus staff by seeking to wiretap peoples who call the ACA a scam on the internet.  They is obliviously jealous that the potus can screw up a wet dream with Jay Carney's junk.
 
 Without wasting much time, we want you to contact them immediately with the above email address so as to enable them attend to your case accordingly without any further delay as time is already running out.  We had two cuckoo clocks already get away today alone.

Should in case you need any more information's in regards to this notification, feel free to get back to us so that we can debrief you more as we are much in shortage here of quality briefs.  Loin cloths made of tree bark just don't get it done, and leave ugly scratch marks on our junk. 
 
Thank you very much for your co-operation in advance as we earnestly await your urgent response to this matter.

Regards,

James B. Comey
Federal Burro Making An Ass Of Itself (EXCUTIVE DIRECTOR) 


No, I haven't as yet received my anonymously-sent decorative centerpiece floral thingee with Spock ears attached; when I do, my first act of appreciation will be to see if it flies from three stories up.

Bet that'll leave an audible mark...

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2 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

Yep, Oregon does have the best scam going doesn't it.

Death fart? I don't ever what to be anywhere near a death fart.

Have a fabulous day. My best to Seymour. ☺

14 December, 2013 10:05  
Blogger Right Truth said...

We sent my sister-in-law a floral centerpiece at Thanksgiving. My hubby ordered it online, forgot to fill in the "from" section. So the florist called the sister-in-law first and asked if they would accept an arrangement that had been sent with no "senders" name. She accepted it. Now I'm no genius, but seems to me that the company had our name, from the credit card information, and could have informed her even thought there was no "sender card"... They said people were afraid to accept arrangements when they did not know who they were from. Perhaps they were afraid they were from the NSA or had a bomb in them.

Debbie
Right Truth
http://www.righttruth.typepad.com

16 December, 2013 18:26  

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