Due Be Due

The look is obviously "I want an upgrade", but that's probably not what the duck is upset about.

Perhaps he read my latest edit.

I don't know if it upset Mrs. Patricia Mustafa or not; though I think I'm uninvited to the scamming I was expected to RSVP.

Another scammer thinks she's learned something about me.  More on that later.

Yes, the first scammer -- Mrs. Patricia Mustafa -- sent me one of those fancy Yahoo Invitation email formats, inviting me to contact her over $10.8 Million USD that sits in a bank in Burkina Faso, left by another one of those silly foreigners who are stupid enough to get on a plane in Burkina Faso, shortly before it fall down go BOOM.

If you believe their emails, so many of them do.

From an email entitled "Invitation:  With Due Consideration", I decided to mix a little bit of Frank Sinatra into the edit -- very little, beyond the title -- along with a play on Mrs. Mustafa's alleged job title, that of Bill & Remittance Exchange, Bank of Africa, Burkina Faso.

I took a quack at it and it went like this:

From Mrs. Patricia Mustafa,
Duck Butt & Bill and Exchange Manager,
Bank of Africa- (B.O.A)
Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso

VERY CONFIDENTIAL.

My dearest friend,

This really quacks me up.  See what I just did there?  When you figure it out, please COULD YOU PLEASE REPLY ME THROUGH MY PRIVATE EMAIL ADDRESS (mrs.patricia.mustafa@gmail.com) AFTER GOING THROUGH THIS MESSAGE FOR CONFIDENTIAL REASONS

I know that this mail will come to you as a surprise. I am the Manager of Duck Butts & Bills and Exchange at the Fowl Remittance Department of Bank of Africa (BOA), in my department I discovered an abandoned pile of duck butts and bills that is unprecedented to be found laying around in the vault of a bank, here or anywhere.  Frankly, I do not know why such a pile of duck butts and bills would be here, but I guess that is why I have the job and title that I have.  When I applied, I thought I'd be working with money.  You just never f**king know, do you? 

The thing is, we cannot release it to just ANYBODY; there are plenty of perverts here in Burkina Faso that would make perverse and voodooish use of duck butts and bills.  Ewwww. 

It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided to make this business proposal to you because a nationality of my country can not apply or stand as the nest of kin -- see what I just did there?  haha, I funny -- since it would look very suspicious if I or one of my work colleagues walked out of the bank with a sh**load of duck butts and bills on our person.  I hope you understand just how suspicious this would look in a country like Burkina Faso.   Well okay, so it wouldn't look THAT suspicious, since we're all Third World flakes here.  Just f**king accept my premise and go with it, asshat.  

I will like you indicating your interest to help me in transferring all these molting and decaying duck butts and bills into your care, and I agree that 40% of whatever money can be gained from this unusual stash -- I think people in your country will buy anything if you think someone else will find value in it -- and I will keep 60%, since -- and you must grant me this -- I have the duck butts and bills, and you don't. 

I Hope that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that I have Repose on you, because we have witch doctors here who would love to get this stash to make voodoo fetishes and sodomize the duck butts in weird tribal rituals.  I hope you understand the implications here. 

Upon receipt of your reply, I will give you full details on how the business I wish to give you will be executed upon you in the manure to which I am able to execute stuff.

Here is my Private email address: (mrs.patricia.mustafa@gmail.com) Please, reply me through this email address for security purpose.
I am waiting soonest to hear from you.
Yours Sincerely,
Mrs. Patricia Mustafa.

Now I really didn't expect Mrs. P. Mustafa to closely read my email edit; or, if she did, probably not understand one ducking part of it.

But another scammer from before -- the alleged "legal office" of Jack Botha, Esq., and his odious secretary Sharon Brown -- apparently read the email edit, and came to a conclusion about me.  And widdit, they made a request:

it is plane to me that you are jobless.  Please,stop sending us more of these kind of emails.

Oh, but on the contrary my mugu friends of dubious antecedence and plunger intellect:  I have a job.  YOU.  Mwhahahahaha.  And I get paid much good, my job of YOU.  Would you like to hear more about it?

For now, apparently not.  But the year is still young and their email address still works...

 

This Translation Ain't Lost; It Should Be

After a somewhat lengthy absence from my email boxes, the Russian dating scammers is/are making something of a comeback.

The current one started out as "Olga", and urged me to visit a chat site that had translation services available.

What fun would THAT be?

So I rewrote her email...pretty crudely I must say, and sent it back to her.

Apparently her email has no such translation services, because she responded AGAIN, asking me to visit the chatsite...but this time, she was "Anna".

So I wrote back, asking her whether she preferred that I call her Olga or Anna, and what the pros and cons of such an arrangement might be.

If she went and found herself an email translator, it's good that they apparently can't translate smartass from English to Russian.  But I digress.

Somewhat amazingly, she (or whomsoever) wrote me back again, this time with a two paragraph missive about how there are so many lonely people in the world, and that she does not wish to be with them, so can we have emails to see if we can be two hearts united to one?

All together now...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This time, she was Anya P.

A few more emails like this, and I might wind up with a first AND last name of someone.

Well...call me old, impatient, impertinent, curmudgeony, flatulent, whatever...I wasn't willing to wait to see who'd write next.  So I decided to take some English-speaking liberties with her last email, and return it to her and 100 of her soon-to-be ardent fans and peers in Scamworld.

It went back looking like this:

Hello!

You know, they say that the first time for anything means that there was no time prior to that first time.  I say to that, huh?  I am stupid person of tartar descent, and I am not of the sure as to what there is the meaning therein of, you know?

 

Pardons to me, I just learning of this language of English last week using Pimsleur papsmear pregnancy test kit, and I think my resultings are that my dangling participles are impregnated with pause, yes?

 

You know, we Russians have a saying:  if I write it in Russian, you of English speaks won't know to have a word of the idea that I just sayed, so I will speaks to it in the languages I just learned so I can translute the postrophe in such a way and curd that all will be clear as Ukrainian mud, hokay fineski? 

 

Like they sez in Milwaukee, here's mud in your ear!  There is and are so many people in the world, but some of them is and some of them are, and either and/or neither knows which is and which is are.  At once it is and are a problematic, yes?  As aside, I shoot Russian Tokorev problematic pistol in Russian Army; it survive after multiple surgeries to replace what I shotted offen it. 

 

Mayhaps one days or weeks it will forgave me.  I am now at end of my digressive, I think yes.

 

Anyways to Buffalo, peoples are not with their better halfs because they not find their better half yet, I think this is right, yes?  Which half is the better half you wishes to have speaks with me to know?  As famous American actress/slut say in show Jersey Shore Is Polluted, "F**k!".  I use term properly and with feeling, yes?   If not, you tell me how, F**kLips, and I reward you with a borscht fart in closed room. 

 

And you capitalists thought Chernobyl was badly. 

 

If you are alone and want to find your love, you can write me and ask me if I know anyone you can love, because I myself is a selfish beeyotch from Kursk who love nothing more than watching radioactive-exposed hamsters get drunk on vodka while sodomizing Kulaks.

 

I am weird in this way, yes?

 

Anyway, you email me, and I will work to f**k up your love life for never and ever after, because love is bouquet of pretty flowers which smell bad; fall not in love therefore...it will stick to your face.

 

Ewwwski.

 

I'm alone and looking for a good inflatable man, who will give me his love and care when I not have him folded up in closet when I not need the bastard for animal sex.  Who knows, maybe we can fill
up our inflatable dolls with vodka, and get high on the fumes.

My e-mail address is Pokrovskiay1976@yandex.ru

I'm looking forward to your letter.  After reading mine, I bet it'll be something to look four words through.
Anya P.

Either she got herself an email translator that actually works, or she is still trying to piece together her next reply to what I dun to her email, Ma.  It's been a week with no response now.

 

If she does write back, I hope her next name is not "Kitteh"...

Credit THIS

We're into the second decade of the 21st Century, and yet some scammers still choose to operate the old fashioned way.

Via the USPS.  Which is okay with me; I can operate either way.  Especially when they include a postage paid envelope  ;-)

First, a little background:  I received via mail an offer -- a PRE-APPROVED OFFER -- for a $10,000 'credit card' with an APR of 5%, from Union Workers Credit Services.  In the "offer", they threw around references to Visa, Mastercard, etc.  And they suggested that my one-time acceptance "fee" of $37 would be fully refunded me with my first purchase.  From a catalogue.  But first, I had to accept their terms by sending them a check or money order for $37.

*TOING*

The same *warning buzzer* that goes off in my head every time I read a scam email was sounding with the same urgency now.

In this case, it was only the fact that I'd left the tea to boil a tad too long.  After disconnecting the smoke detectors and airing out the room to improve visibility, I went back to my perusal with a little online research.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

The Better Business Bureau rates this outfit an "F", as well as non-responsive to their inquiries.  Ripoff Report online shows over 600 complaints about them (the BBB listed over 450).

Oh yeah...this was so *game on*.

The rewrite was a little different; I couldn't scan in the original document and then cut/paste it for the edit; I had to remake the document in my own desired format.

Here is what they received back from me in their postage paid envelope.  *WARNING:  words I rarely use or allow on this blog were used aplenty in the edit*: 


Union Workers Credit Services
1327 Vampire Central Suite 130
Dumbass, TX 75247 (we sure hope you are)
　Credit Limit: Yes
Member Status: F**ked
Classification: Dumbass
Expires: Only AFTER we f**k you
Interest Rape: For everything we can get
Credit* Provider: A Lying Sack Of Sh*t Company (aka, Union Workers Credit Services)


CONGRATULATIONS, ASSHAT!!


It’s nice to inform you that you have been identified and PRE-APPROVED for a BUTT F**KING UNDER THE GUISE OF RECEIVING A PHATINUM CARD from Union Workers Credit Services with a GUARANTEED** limit of whatever we can f**k out of you!!
You don’t have to worry if you have been denied access to legitimate credit. The UWCS PHATINUM Card offers many benefits*** including getting offered****a very low interest rate*****!!


And this is all on accounta cuz you is PRE-APPROVED******!!!!!


This is a limited time offer*******so act NOW. Failure to do so will get the scum sucking, goat poking hourly sot who sent you this fired for non-productivity, and that will be one more unemployment sh*t you’ll have to support, you greedy, mean-spirited BASTARD. So quickly...don’t stop to THINK about it or read the fine print********, just enclose $37 by check, money order, first born’s IRA, 401k, savings bonds...whatever the f**k you got...and send it along with this ACTIVATE THE BUTTF**K FORM today!!!


YOU HAVE BEEN TARGETED FOR THIS BECAUSE WE GOT AHOLD OF YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS, AND WE ARE HOPING THAT YOU’RE STUPID AS A TEXAS TREE STUMP. OR BETTER STILL, DUMBER THAN AL GORE!!! NOTHING WRITTEN HEREAFTER MATTERS EVEN THOUGH WE WERE REQUIRED TO WRITE IT. DON’T BOTHER READING IT, IT’S BORING.



* credit only to a catalogue of junk and crap not worth a sh*t
** we guarantee ONLY that we’ll screw you for whatever we can..just ask the BBB, Rip-Off Report, etc...
*** none of which amounts to flea dick
**** offered is one thing; getting anything of value is another
***** interest rape, more likely
****** we approve of f**king you out of whatever we can
******* limited for however long we can stay one step ahead of the law
******** gawddammit, we said DON’T READ THIS SH*T..STOP F**KING READING THIS SH*T!!!!!!



　UNION WORKERS CREDIT SERVICES: Union corrupt, Union useless. That’s us.


And just for sh*ts and giggles, I sent them "money", in the form of this $100 bill:

I mean, that's good for 2.65 or so memberships, right?

At any rate, I am glad to see that in the age of dire straits for the USPS, scammers are doing their part to help...

A Talking Desk 'n Haggis

Not at all what the alleged "Director" of British Finance Monitoring was expecting. 

He -- "Peter Marriot" -- thought to ambush me.  Then he met my "scam email editing" mode.

Nyuk.

He was trying to convince me that I'd been going about getting my hands of several million USD in the completely wrong way; but if I let him help me, I'd have my money in 3 days.

Or see it confiscated by the British Government.

So how did I thank "Mr. Peter Marriot" of Her Majesty's Finance Monitoring Unit?

See for yourself:

THE BRITISH FINANCE MONKEY BUSINESS UNIT
8th 'n 1/3 floor ellerman house,12-20 camomile street,
EC3A 7PC, United Kingdumb
LONDON, ENGLAND.
Email;   bftmonitor@live.com

 

 

From the Desk Of Mr. Peter Marriot.
A Dipshit Too Stupid To Do His Job, So His Desk Has To Do It For Him
British Finance Monkey Business Unit.
London, England.


Attention:
Yes, you read that right; I am Mr. Peter Marriot's desk.  The actual Peter Marriot is a moron, who sits in a corner of his office on his blackberry, drooling over animal porn videos on YouTube all day long.  They have to keep the bloomin' wanker wrapped in water proofs all day long.  Aye, 'e's a lost cause, 'e is. 

 

 

Anyway, his desk and you have some bloody business to discuss, so let's get cracking.

 

 

We have noticed that a huge sum of haggis has been sitting in your name for transfer and is currently rotting in our local international customs house, named for Bonny Prince Charlie of Cavenish 'n Chips.

 

 

As a desk, I am quite unable to fathom why you'd let perfectly disgusting haggis sit and rot like that.  Ruddy bad form, eh wot.

 

 

In Line with the Law of the Government of Great Britain that says nothing -- you have to bloody well look it up and read it, you bloody cock up -- spoiled haggis left sitting in a customs house shall be awarded to someone abjectly stupid enough to have no idea what spoiled haggis is.  

 

 

Prior  to the above, we request you to contact this office desk immediately within 3 days of this notice for further vacuous elucidation and pontification thereof and whereinbyas, so that further obfuscation and email confoundity is brought to play in so far as you are concerned. 

 

 

Bloody well didn't think a desk could sound so ruddy legalese, did you now? 

 

 

Be informed also that as soon as we receive your current data then we shall disseminate it to every bloomin' email scammer we know, so that you'll continue to receive this kinda shit until email goes the way of King Richard III, whose ruddy bones were just found under a bloody parking lot, eh wot. 

 

 

This desk is pretty sure that the pithy remains of the Sheriff of Nottinghead will be found underneath a 'loo in Piccadilly, once someone gets off their bloody arse and gets into lookin'. 

 

 

We plan to ship the rotting haggis -- the whacking great pile of it -- to Jack Botha and Sharon Brown, two bloody wogs in Johannesburg, South Africa.  You might bloody tell them to set up some kind of a containment facility.  We're shipping it to them at:  34 Plein Street, Rosebank, Johannesburg, South Africa 2000.  Email:  specialduties_09@yahoo.co.uk <specialduties_09@yahoo.co.uk>

 

 

We might forward some of it to that other bloody wog, Christ John, and his whacking great family oracle that looks like his mama's a**hole.   Email:  christjohn252@yahoo.co.uk

 

 

Yours Faithfully,
The desk of Mr. Peter  Marriot
who is currently drowning in drool in the corner of the office while his bloomin' blackberry sparks and shorts out...what a whacking great douchenozzle

British Finance Monkey Business Unit.

So far, no one's weighed in on the talking desk, spoiled haggis, butt-shaped family oracle OR shipping address.  Be a whacking great shame iffen no one does   ;-)

JurisIMprudence?

Sometimes, civic duty calls.

It really should check the number and try again when it gets me.

My local municipality -- after my having been herein for 18 years -- has finally drawd me to be potentially selected for jury duty.

I should be honored to have the chance to serve.  Performing civic duty for my community is but one small manner in which I, the benefactor of the freedoms and liberties our constitutional representative republic affords me, can give back to the community of which I am such an integral and important part.

Personally, I think they prefer my taxes and fees they soak me for. 

Not that I haven't received "the" summons before; usually, my local county taps me once every 5-7 years, only to be told that I'm not needed the night before because "my number is out of range".

My number must be in Kansas.

Once -- when I was an accidental member of the City and County of Denver (during their annexing frenzy a few decades ago) -- I actually had to appear for jury duty.  And I actually was in the first group of 12 potential jurors to go before the judge, prosecutor, defense attorney and defendant, to be questioned about my fitness to be a "peer" for the accused.  After hearing many a horror story of folks hanging around the courthouse all day only to, at the wasted end, not be needed....I had made it to the next level. 

Which is usually when the ghosts or robots started coming after you faster. 

While I found the possibility of being stuck on jury duty for perhaps 1 or more days to be an inconvenience, I was also fascinated with the distinct possibility that I might, on any given jury, be asked to decide the guilt or innocence of a possible societal miscreant, and perhaps cast the deciding vote that sent him or her to the electric chair for felony making faces at hamsters in a pet shop.

That thought actually did cross my mind; my third concussion was still a few years in the future and cannot be blamed.

So there I was, facing a new frontier.  And following a lecture from the judge, the defense attorney stepped forward, casting a penetrating glance across the faces of the first potential 12, and asked in a booming voice, "now when you walked in here today and you saw this gentleman seated here (aka, his client), you assumed that this was an innocent man, right?".

And his penetrating stare landed directly on me.

With this all being new and fascinating to me, and what with me being the first of the first to speak as a potential peer of 12 perhaps eventually angry peers of the accused, I really did want to be thoughtful, measured, even profound in the manner and diction that I would utter.  History might hang on every last syllable.

Alas, I was not up to the moment, as the first thing that popped to mind tumbled out before I could re-arrange it into a "for the ages" quote:  "I assumed that he was the defendant".

Just like that, I was done.

I might eventually do something "for the ages", but this tweren't it.  Oops.

Years -- and a third concussion later -- and here I stand at the intersection of perhaps judicial history or a transcript blooper that goes viral on the 'net, once more.

And all dependent now on an in-range or out-of-range number.

One thing is virtually certain, at least according to my pet rock, Seymour:  whoever's case I may or may not be seated as a "peer" to sit in judgement on, it is a lockstep certainty that I cannot be a "peer" of this person.  Unless they are equally as weird as I am.

If they have a pet rock like mine...then they'll truly be a "peer". 

And probably guilty as hell of whatever.

Speedbaiting

Here I was, a few days short of Valentine's Day, and nothing new to write.

Leave it to my email accounts to fix that.

In the same email account -- which is interesting, because it gets scam emails but nothing related to Facebroke -- I got this email ad for 'speeddating', AND an email from a 'chick' named Adriana who allegedly has read my profile on Facebroke -- including my picture -- and thinks I'm a "hunk".

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Deluded scammer, cave in.


Still, I should be thankful...the scammer and Facebroke saved my Valentine's Day blog post.

If you consider what follows as being "saved".

So let's start with the email that began this nonsense:


How are you doing today cute...Sorry, I've been out of town but am back and looking for a good time in the state. I have some new pics uploaded in case you forgot about me. You look great on your Facebook.Cute I think you should know When a woman calls you hot, she's looking at your gluts/pecs. When she says you're handsome, she's looking at your face. But, when a woman tells you that you're drop-dead gorgeous, she's looking at your heart. "Am Looking at your heart In conjunction with Ur Smile, I believe you Perfectly Made by God and you Must be a Real trouble when God assemble you. hey I just Taught I drop a Few Comment On you as U know. "Life without Love is like a harp without strings." Hope I can Read from you Soon!. And If I don't. I want you have a Pleasant Day Ahead!. Keep Smilin, hunk!

Okay, let’s take this by the unlisted numbers:
1. This came into an email address that has no connection to my Facebroke page.
2. This came addressed to me as "undisclosed recipients", aka., there are gawd knows how many folks it was sent to.
3. If this person had seen me lately, they’d be inquiring about how I liked manatee ranching..
4. This showed up the same day that I got a "Facebook Speeddating" email..

　
Facebook ‘speeddating’...I’d like to see someone start a page for mayfly speeddating. Talk about something needing ‘speed’ when it comes to dating: they only last 5 minutes to 1 day. Never was "wham, bam, thank ye Ma’am" more appropo.


If less than romantic.


Well, being the kind of romantic that I ain’t (just ask any of my exes....), I wondered what I could do for Valentine’s Day that was in line with ‘speeddating’.



And I got it: speedBAITING. Of email scammers.



So I took the above email, and I "speedbait edited" it. It came out reading like this:
　
..
How are you doing today, hammerlips? Sorry, I've been out of town but am back and looking for some good breeding stock for a gnu and alpaca ranch up around Berthoud, and you came immediately to mind.   Yes, you. Now, don’t go thanking me just yet...I ain’t started in.
I have a new pic of you uploaded in case you thought I quit having you followed. And you thought you looked hawt on your Facebroke page....bwhahahaha, well NOW you look as others see you!

　
　
I think you should know that when a man calls you slut, he’s hoping that you are. When he says you're beautiful, he's looking at your ass. But, when a man tells you that you're "goat poking three bags anonymous", he's looking at your crotch.
You know, it was the great dating aficionado, Henry the VIIIth that said, "shut up, beeyotch!". That might be why he never got a 9^th, but I digress.
Anyway, I am looking at your heart In conjunction with your gams, crotch, ears and all the rest of you, and I believe that you are perfectly made for this gnu/alpaca ranch outside of Berthoud. I mean, you’re so ugly you’re cute in a mud-covered horking alpaca kinda way.
Anyway, since it’s almost Valentine’s Day, I just Taught I drop a Few Comment On you as U know. "Life without love is like being a cowboy in Wyoming without velcro gloves to help sheep through the fence". Hope I can Read from you soon. That’s assuming you know how to do anything other than drool or spit!. And If I don't, I want you have a butt wax to reduce hairballs, which are bad for the environment. Keep Smilin, hammerlips!


　Yep, that was immediately dispatched to the originator and about 100 of his/hers/its peers and colleagues.  And in less than a day, I got this back from the originator, "Adriana" or whomsoever:

PRICK

I had to laugh at the brevity.

And also that I thought that was sorta the point of her original email (besides the 'link' that might have concealed ill).   Whether it is or isn’t, I thought to find out:


　
Wasn't that the point of your email?  At any rate, you'll have plenty to ponder at the alpaca ranch.
　

Eh...the ensuing silence suggests that it wasn't her point at all.


By gawd, I think I got this "speedbaiting" down, don’t you?

Understanding Not Soiled By Comprehension

It all began in mid December, when Khumalo Martin -- a scammer of dubious antecedence and worse grammatical reading skills -- sent me an offer to give me the business, via a bank in South Africa.

It began because poor ol' Khumalo did not read, or was unable to grasp, the nature of the email 'beast' he'd contacted, when I edited his email and sent it back to him and a hundred of his colleagues. 

This is what he received back from me:

FROM: MR.KHUMALO MARTIN
DIRECTOR FOREIGN RELATIONS
FIRST NATIONAL BARBIE'S BOYFRIENDS OF SOUTH AFRICA

engkhumalomartin@gmail.com <engkhumalomartin@gmail.com>;


                                                    NEXT TO KEN

I am Mr.Khumalo Martin of the above firm, representing the interests of potential boyfriends to the venerated and world-known doll known as Barbie.  After the heartless wench tossed Ken out of her life to become more liberated, it fell to organizations like mine to find suitable beaus for an increasingly liberated, narrow-minded, haughtily bee-yotchy doll that was threatening to blow the lid off doll sexuality in the toy world.

And all because Ken had no winkee.

Barbie didn't give a damn that this was not Ken's fault; Mattel made him that way.

To toy feminazis, it didn't matter that Barbie had no vaggie-waggie herself; it was all politically correct hooey on the order of social engineering, masquerading as genderification and a toy's genuine lack thereof.

Oh sure, Barbie had ta-tas that only those with silicon concrete mammories could appreciate; but it always came back to Ken's lack of a winkee. 

Small wonder that Ken is now living a vagrant existence in a toy department store window, modelling hats.  Widdout a 'bulge', there'd be no racy underwear ads and hormonal attractions by the opposing sex in Ken's sordid future. 

It's no wonder that Ken is known in the industry as a 'thingaquin', rather than a mannequin.  And all because Mattel didn't have the heart to give Ken a winkee.

They gave G. I. Joe a rocket launcher.  Barbie loves her some serious RPG.  Ken couldn't compete.

So you see why my organization has rushed to Ken's belated defense.

I want you, my friends, to donate to forcing Mattel to provide Ken with a winkee.  Perhaps it's not too late for Barbie to have a heart about Ken.

Especially if Mattel throws in a vaggie-waggie for Barbie.

Toy Story IV could become the next Love Story.  Or Shrek V, without the paint-peeling farts.

I shall revalidate all the necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim that Ken may need to have a Mattel-financed winkee.  I guarantee you this will not be the strangest email you've ever received, but it will probably be the strangest this early in 2013.

 Kindly call me on my phone number -- which I moronically forgot to include, because I am a mugu and a moron, as if this whole email didn't convince you of this already -- or send an email to me for security reasons.  I need your strong assurance and confidentiality.
 Best regards,
 MR. KHUMALO MARTIN
(Director of Foreign Relations)

Now, I don't know what Mr. Khumalo Martin does or doesn't know; but if I base it on his reply to the above, I can say with a substantial degree of confidence that he don't know much in the way of English:

please,do let me know if you are interested or not?

And this began over a dozen exchanges of emails, the gist of which was that Mr. Khumalo Martin wanted me to accept receipt of money he'd 'found' in his bank branch -- the oft-scammed(ing) Bank of Africa -- to the tune of $20.5 Million USD.  And he would make the whole transaction "100% risk free and legal" by way of securing documents via his attorney -- aka Jack Botha, represented by his legal assistant, Sharon Brown -- for the meager fee of $5,000 USD.

Which I was to wire to Botha/Brown ASAP, via another party (see the upcoming exchanges).

Well, my character -- Ben Dover -- was ever so willing to fall in with this scam, after the Barbie/Ken gambit was wholly ignored.  Which I guess is understandable:  who cares about two genitaless dolls, anyway?

Ben was quick to assure Khumalo that the money would be secured and wired ASAP.  And Khumalo -- with his weak grasp of English -- made certain that 'Ben' could exercise a loophole requirement, by insisting that after the money had been wired, "the attorney will need the receipt copy soonest". 

*TOING*

Of course, Khumalo meant that I should scan in and email the receipt copy to the attorney.  That's what HE meant.

Ol' Ben had other ideas.

I now pick up with the "to and fro" between first Ben and Khumalo, and then Ben and the attorney (Ben in italics, Khumalo 'n friends in bold):

yes the paymet slip reciept the Money transfer bank gave to you send it to me is really you have made the payment

 

The slip? Do you mean the receipt? I have it here.

　

I am sure that if you really sent the money,the Lawyer will not have any difficulty getting the money from Moneygram as you promised.Send me the copy of the reciept for the Moneygram.
Thank you.
Kind Regards,
Khumalo.



 I need your mailing address if you want the Money Gram receipt. My scanner is broke, so I need to snail mail it to you. Send me your address so I can get this done. The money you said your attorney needs is there.


 Please,stop joking over this http://transaction.is/transactiothere any big deal in scanning and sending the information to us.if your scanner is not working so there is no place for you to do that even at the library? i called you so many times your phone keeps going on answering machine if you are real and have sent the money you could have given me a call or find a place to do the scanning. thanks



Khumalo, you are failing to understand me: my computer scanner doesn't work. If you want the copy of the receipt, I must send it via regular mail to either you or your attorney.
Get me a mailing address for you or him so I can send you my proof that I wired the money and you can get it.

Thank you for your mail.I am wondering why its becoming difficult for you to send the receipt of the payment you claimed making.However,this is the email address of the Lawyer: specialduties_09@yahoo.co.uk. I had already sent his address to you.I will be waiting for your response.

Kind Regards

　

Hey...my email is on MY computer, NOT the library one. Besides, you said you wanted the receipt. I'm only trying to make this work. I wired the money, and you're being an ass about it. Let's cut the crap and you give me your attorney's mailing address...I'll send him the receipt, since he's the one that needs the money anyway. You don't have to be any further part of it, since it's obvious to me you don't want to be. Get me your attorney's mailing address and we can get this done.

So using the email address of the attorney, I send the following:

　

Hey there mr. attorney, I ain't got a working scanner, and your client, Khumalo Martin is insistent that you have the actual receipt for the wire transfer, so what is your mailing address so I can send it to you?


　This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail.Do send the copy of the payment receipt through this email address (a repeat of the email address)

You are NOT understanding me. I am unable to scan you a copy of the receipt. My computer scanner is broken. PLEASE give me your mailing address – you know, the one where you get regular mail, delivered by a person who delivers mail – so we can get on this. I mean, there’s $5000 just sitting there in Money Gram, awaiting you.



　Subject: Re: OFFICIAL MEMO.Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail.I can not understand why you seem not bothered about your supposedly sent money staying longer than necessary with Moneygram according to you?
This is a very simple thing to do.You do not have to scan any receipt to us.Sent to us details of the payment(Name of the Sender,Address of the Sender and the MTCN-Reference Number for the payment).With these information's,our Accountant, Mr. Duah Alex Boafo will cash the payment for us to proceed with the transaction.
Otherwise,this is our Office Address:34 Plein Street.Rosebank,Johannesburg.South Africa.2000
Yours Faithfully,
MRS.SHARON BROWN.
for:JACK BOTHA ESQ.

 Dear M'am Attorney,
The reason I am so concerned with doing things this way is because Khumalo was so insistent that a copy of the receipt be delivered to either him or you. Now that I have your mailing address, I shall attend to this straight away. I would appreciate email notification when you receive it via overseas airmail.


　Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail.Email us the details of the Moneygram you sent.This is very easy and simple.If you really sent any money,sending the payment details will not take you two minutes to send across to us.
Yours Faithfully,
MRS.SHARON BROWN. for:JACK BOTHA ESQ. 　

No worries, M'am: I have sent you the Money Gram receipt as Khumalo wanted me to. You should have it via air mail in a few days. Once you have it, contact me for next steps.　

Dear Sir,
Send us the details of the Moneygram you made(Name of the Sender,Address of the Sender and the Reference Number of the Payment) through this email address.Letters send through post office here are not safe and it takes weeks to get here.
So send us the details of the Moneygram you made please. 　

I'm sorry, but I sent you the receipt via USPS overseas airmail on Tuesday, as I said that I would. Since Khumalo Martin insisted on the receipt, that's why I sent it, since my scanner was broken and I couldn't scan it and email it.
So we'll have to wait for you to receive the letter. I was told it should arrive within 7-10 days at the most.


　Dear Sir,
If I may ask,why do you have to wait till 7-10 days to receive a postage while you can send the details through the email within a second without scanning it.All we are asking are the details for the payment which you can send via email.
Yours Faithfully,
MRS.SHARON BROWN.
for:JACK BOTHA


　Dear M'am: you are apparently not reading well my contents as written. Let me try this again: my computer scanner is broken. This means to the average reader that is BROKEN. It DOESN'T WORK. I cannot SCAN with it. Do you understand this now?

Next: Khumalo Martin insisted on a copy of the receipt. Since my scanner was broken, the ONLY WAY I could get you the copy of the receipt was to mail it to you via conventional mail. That is why I asked first him for a mailing address, then you. And that is why I mailed you the receipt. So that (a) I am fulfilling the instructions I received from Khumalo Martin (b) that you will have the authentic receipt to then get the money from Money Gram with and (c) so that you will know that I have, in fact, wired you the money.

You keep suggesting that I haven't wired it. When you receive this receipt, you will feel very foolish, because my honesty will be then equal to yours (*TOING*, one I am sure they'll not notice).

So...I have sent you the receipt. When it is delivered to you, you may go to Money Gram and pick up the $5,000. THEN you may contact me and instruct me on what steps I will next need to take to receive the funds the $5,000 is supposed to make available to me.

I hope that this will now make things perfectly clear to you.

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail.If you read our mail very well,you will understand clearly that we are not asking you to send us any scanned copy.Send us in writing the name of the sender,address of the sender and the Reference Number of the Transfer.That is what we are asking and we feel that you can provide us with these information's if you did made any Moneygram payment as claimed.

Yours Faithfully,

MRS.SHARON BROWN.

for:JACK BOTHA ESQ.

I keep thinking I've explained this plainly to you, and you keep providing me with mounting evidence that I am not getting through to you.  Again....I SENT YOU the receipt.  I DIDN'T KEEP IT.  I SENT IT TO YOU.  I cannot give you the information on it because I SENT IT TO YOU.  TO YOU.  IT'S IN THE MAIL TO YOU.  IT'S MAILED TO YOU.  IT'S COMING VIA OVERSEAS AIRMAIL TO YOU.  When it arrives TO YOU, you will have all the information you need, because you will have the receipt in hand.  You will be able to verify all the information necessary to collect the $5,000.  You will know the reality of the situation when you have and present the receipt to your Money Gram.

Your doubts will all be settled.

I did NOT keep the receipt.  I sent it to YOU.  That is what Khumalo Martin asked me to do:  send you the receipt.  I have.  It is done.  When it arrives, you will have it. 

I DON'T HAVE IT ANYMORE.  I SENT IT TO YOU.  IT'S COMING TO YOU.  IT WILL SHORTLY BE WITH YOU.  YOU WILL HAVE IT AND ALL THEREON NECESSARY TO MAKE USE OF IT.

Does this clarify it for you, finally?

I certainly hope you are more able to communicate the details of the latter portion of this transaction, once you have the fee I wired you.

Are you saying that you do not know the details of the money you sent?I presumed you sent it yourself and do not need the receipt to furnish me with the information's am asking from you.Do you?

In other words,do you need the receipt to provide me with the name of the sender,address of the sender and the Reference Number which you can get from the Center where you did the transaction.Unless you are being economical with the truth in lieu of this,I do not see why those information's will not be made available to me as soon as possible.

Yours Faithfully,

MRS.SHARON BROWN.

for:JACK BOTHA ESQ.

Oy vey...

Really, M'am....of COURSE I know who sent the money.  It was ME.  And I know my address.  What I do not know is the reference number on the receipt, for the simple reason that it's on the receipt, and, once more, I SENT YOU THE RECEIPT!!!!

You seem obsessive, M'am.  Here is what I know:

I, Ben Dover, sent the wire transfer via Money Gram.

I sent it from my address:  161 Gregory Street, Central City, CO 80427  USA

I sent you $5,000.

I wired it to

NAME:DUAH ALEX BOAFO.

ADDRESS:NO 22 PLEIN STREET.JOHANNESBURG.SOUTH AFRICA.

ID NUMBER:681212 6879 089. 

The reference number on the wire will be in your hands when you receive the receipt. 

There is nothing else I can do until YOU get the receipt and cash the wire transfer.

.

Dear Sir,

Go to the Center where the Moneygram was made for the Reference Number.This is very simple as your Letter may take weeks to get here if it will not be tampered with before it gets here.This is for security reasons and I strongly believe that if really you sent money,you should follow our instructions to safe-guide your/the money you sent as you claimed.

M'am, 

I am getting most irritated with your constant suggestions that I didn't send the money.  Just who the f**k are YOU to challenge my credibility and integrity? 

I await your apology or explanation.

　

Dear Sir,

I do not mean to insult you but,we are so surprised that you sent US$5,000 out and do not seem to bother if we receive it or not.We expected you to send us the Reference Number as requested for its collection before you loose your money.

Since I was following Khumalo Martin's instructions on sending you the money, I was confident that it would work out properly.  Once you receive the receipt -- I expect this week -- I expect it to work as it was meant to all along.  

 Dear Sir,

We have our doubts that you truly sent any money hence,you will not delay in sending us the needed information's to cash the fund for us to proceed with your transaction.

You're going to look sooooo stupid, when that air mail arrives at your address with the receipt.  I will expect an apology in the next few days.  Perhaps I should doubt that YOU are an attorney, huh?  Perhaps I should wonder whether you'll use the receipt to get the money, or wipe your ass with it.  Perhaps I should wonder if you even know what to DO with money, huh?  You're giving me doubts you know what you're doing.   You'll have to prove to me you have any idea about financial transactions, once that receipt arrives.



I think the scammers are a bit butt-hurt by that last one...see what you think:

You are a joker to call me names on account of a simple request that I made towards resolving your transfer issue.Does that warrant your insults?

Well, 'Sharon', you've been denigrating my integrity by doubting my word, when I have followed the instructions of your client to the letter.  So if you can insult me, you can wear a few yourself.  When my receipt arrives in your mail in the next few days, you'll feel very stupid and apologetic.  You will see.  And when you get the receipt, I STILL EXPECT YOU TO PERFORM THE SERVICE YOU ARE BEING PAID TO PERFORM.  Your unprofessional conduct merely demands you prove your ability by completing your end of the bargain.  And once you have my money, you are obligated to do so.

Finally, after two more days of waiting, I get the email I have been anticipating from the day I sent the overseas airmail on its way:


What have you done!  We get your mail and the receipt at Money gram is no GOOD!!!  You are a liar!


Now now...I told you that I was being equal in honesty to you.  If you could understand what you read, you would have understood that.  Phffft.   Now as for the time you have had wasted during this episode, I would suggest you bill Khumalo Martin for the time.  After all, he set you up and suggested that I mail you a bad receipt.  That Khumalo Martin...what a jokester!  He funny!   Okay, I have fun with you.  Khumalo have fun with you.  You may now return to your usual acting stupid and looking worse. 

And through it all, Barbie is still pissed that Ken has no winkee.

Never Cruder

Who would have thunk that I would do with an email what I dun with this one?

About anyone who reads this blog regularly.

Email scammer Frank Thabi decided to try me on for size with his "crude oil agent" ploy, with an offer to get me a "license" to sell crude oil, in 500,000 barrel lots, at a tidy commission of $3 per barrel.

Uh huh.

Frank Thabi don' know me vewy well, do he?

Nuh-uh.

Before the email is done, I have lumped together crude oil, Andrew Dice Clay, Mr. Rogers, Somali pirates, spanking monkeys, North Korean dictator marrionettes, Piers Moron, CNN and scambait editing, all in one very sleazy email edit.

It left Frank and all of one of his peers and colleagues speechless.  The one it didn't -- Christ John -- was hilarious.  More on him at the end.

At any rate, here's what happened to Frank Thabi's email 'offer' to give me the business:


Subject: Crude Agent Needed for Crude Oil 

Hello,

I choose to reach you through e-mail, as it is the fastest small, medium, large or even fat ass bigger of communication irrespective of the fact that it has been greatly abused by people like me and those who look alot like me. I deem it necessary to introduce you to a bullshit business opportunity. I'm talking of crude oil! This is considered as the most illegitimate and fastest money scamming anyone can setup, short of selling all their female family members to Somali pirates.

Our oil here is very crude.  So crude, in fact, it is pumped from X rated wells.  Our oil is so crude, Andrew Dice Clay is Mr. Rogers compared to our crude oil. 

 

 

With that level of crude, what could make so much more sense, than to hire an agent for the sale of this vulgar crude oil who is equal in depravity and crudeness to that of the oil.  And that is where YOU come in. 

 

 

Oh yes...we have been investigating YOU.  It's easy nowadays.  And we have learned that you are so crude, you sold your mother to your brother-in-law as a sex slave, in return for borrowing his teen daughters for a night of Twister and Ripple.  You are one crude dude. 

 

 

We like it.  And that's why we're contacting YOU. 

 

 

We are getting you a crude oil "lifting license" gives the owner the mandate of the National Crude Oil Company (Suppliers of the crudest of crude oil), to locate shady asshats who'll buy our most vile of crude oil, and arrange all sorts of sexual favors with it.  

 

 

Anyone that owns a crudest of crude oil "lifting license" -- and also spends their lunch hours punching the clown or spanking the monkey -- is our kind of depraved crude oil agent, and we want YOU for our next shenanigan. 

 

 

Crude oil agents from the local National Oil Company are entitled to a $2.00 commission from the oil company on each barrel of crude sold to the buyer and another $1. 00 commission from the buyer.  We're taking our crudest of crude one better:  for every barrel of our ultra crude, the crude oil agent receives free auditions to Saturday Night At The Fucking Improv, where only the crudest of the crude get to showcase their crude wares before a rowdy, drunked, debaucherizing audience of pud whacking monkey spankers.  Please note that the commission rates of $2.00 and $1.00 normally don't exist in online offers like this.  Only a true 'clown puncher' would think otherwise.

The smallest license allocation/quantity one can procure from the National Oil Company is for the sale of 500,000 barrels of the crudest of crude oil.  Do you realize what this means?  500,000 x 1 to 2 spanked monkeys per barrel equals....well...no body knows what it equals. 

 

 

It would give a North Korean marrionette a woody.  Which is pretty stupid, when you think about it, but if you're responding to this email, you're not thinking about it, save for how you can work it into your Improv routine audition.  You sick bastard you. 

 

 

In case you decide to pursue incest instead of this monkey-spanking project; I will personally reveal to everyone online that you also do unspeakable things with pot roast.  I will personally post pictures of you being spanked by Piers Moron while he's done by a cross-eyed goat on CNN. 

 

 

No, you would be wisest to work with me rather than agin me, I should say I think here, all things considered at days' end, yes? 

 

 

You need a "seller agent" to assist you to sale the crude since you are alien to this business and do not know the buyers for the crude oil and also because you are not locally resident here.  And that would be me.  At monkey-spanking time, I'm your daddy.

Feel free to ask for clarifications.

"Big Daddy" Frank Thabi

Very Rude, Very Crude, Very Clowning Punching Pud-Pulling Monkey Spanker and Sex Therapist

Which brings me back to scammer Christ John, who's still mad at me for giving him the runaround on an email scam he tried last December.  After ignoring numerous email edits he's received, this one suddenly got his dander up:

ur an idiot and stop disturbing me before i will hand u over to our family oracle

Hand me over to his "family oracle", eh?  Well, long as he's gonna do that, let's make it worth the handing:


Really?  REALLY???  You're gonna hand ME over to your clown-punching, goat-poking, monkey-spanking, incestuous family oracle?  Wow.  I've never been 'oracled' before.  Sounds fun.  Does it come with discounts for popcorn and soda?  For being so generous with your family's oracle -- a piece of tree bark many times defiled as toilet paper -- I will send you my next 200 email edits of your peers and colleagues, ABSOLUTELY FREE!  But WAIT...THAT'S NOT ALL!!!  For being such a pud whacker yourself, I will throw in ANOTHER 200 EDITS, ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!

You are so blessed.  You may return to your pud whacking now.  Careful not to get any on your goat.

I'm not sure if Christ John reconsidered the oracle thing or not...having your family oracle disrespected is not something to brag about at the local monkey-spanking opium den... 

"that not what i send u"

The poor kitty didn't get what he ordered.

The poor email scammer didn't send what I received.  That's 'cuz I rewrote it, and sent it back to him and 50 + of his friends and colleagues.

They didn't reply.  He bothered to.

A fool scammer, indeed.

What Ghazawan  Aladdin sent me was a request to work with him on moving about $20 million from his Bank of Africa branch in Burkina Faso, to my bank in the USA...which he'd then come over and share with me. 

Uh huh.

I didn't order that carrot, either.  But apparently he found what I dun to his email, Ma, a bit harder to digest that Mr. Kitty found that carrot:

I NEED YOUR ASSISTANT INTO THIS TRANSACTION

FROM Mr.Ghazawan Aladdin.
The Head of Defile Department
BANK OF AFRICANS
Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso ( West Africa )

CONFIDENTIAL IS THE CASE. VERY URGENT ATTENTION.

This message might meet you in utmost surprise, however, it's just my Urgent need for your assistant that made me to contact you for this transaction. I am a cannibal by profession from Burkina Faso in West Africa and currently without anyone to cannibal.

I had the opportunity of eating my last assistant, but she become wise to me and ran away with the tribal witch doctor, who is vaginarian.  I'm not sure she knows what that means, but eh...I am now without dinner.

I had tried to have my assistant line up my client at Bank of Africans, along with his entire family, but they died when their Yugo was killed in a plane crash with a flight of geese over Senegal.

I never like geese after that. 

Anyway, I am hungry, and that is why I need your assistant.  If your assistant is young, edible, and tastes great while being less filling, I will pay you very good for this.  All expenses incurred by you in this transaction will be deducted from special United Nations "World Without Hunger" fund that I am sure exists because I read about it on The Daily Kos.  

I will expect you to send to me your assistant soonest, with minimal seasoning, please.  As soon as the transfer is over and I receive your ready-to-eat assistant, I will send you $1,000,000 USD in food stamp credits, redeemable at liquor stores, strip clubs and casinos for further compensation to you for sending me your assistant to eat.

Please I want you to understand that a stitch in time saves nine so write back and tell me if you really want to carry out this transaction with me.

I sincerely need your help because this might be my first and last opportunity of eating a really good assistant. I also would want you to treat this affair as both urgent, top secret and confidential.  Don't let KFC or McDonalds in on my special diet.


(FILL THIS FORM BELLOW PLEASE AND RESEND IT TO ME).

Your name in full.......................... ........
Your country....................... ..................
Your age........................... ....................
Your cell phone......................... ...........
Your occupation.................... ...............
Your assistant's sex........................... ....................
Your assistant's size, weight, age..................
Your assistant's culinary status........................ ........
If your assistant tastes like chicken or not.......................... ..........

Best Regards,
Mr.Ghazawan Aladdin

a fine young cannibal

ghazawanaladdin@voila.fr <ghazawanaladdin@voila.fr>;

And it was to that that my fine distinguished scammer. Mr. Aladdin, responded with his pithy "that not what i send u".

To which I responded really?  Then why is this what I got?  Explain this, please, without the condiments on the side.

Mr. Aladdin didn't catch that last "see what I just did there"; he just re-sent me his original email.  Which I copied and sent back to him, as above, along with a see, this is what you sent me the first time, too. 

Mr. Aladdin then compounded his error by asking me why u send this other persons?  I would have thought the answer to that was obvious, but I went ahead to explain it to him:  so you won't starve.  Out of all the people this went to, there has to be at least one who has an assistant they're willing to feed to you.

That was apparently enough for Ghazawan Aladdin to digest.

Yum yum.