Never Cruder

Who would have thunk that I would do with an email what I dun with this one?

About anyone who reads this blog regularly.

Email scammer Frank Thabi decided to try me on for size with his "crude oil agent" ploy, with an offer to get me a "license" to sell crude oil, in 500,000 barrel lots, at a tidy commission of $3 per barrel.

Uh huh.

Frank Thabi don' know me vewy well, do he?

Nuh-uh.

Before the email is done, I have lumped together crude oil, Andrew Dice Clay, Mr. Rogers, Somali pirates, spanking monkeys, North Korean dictator marrionettes, Piers Moron, CNN and scambait editing, all in one very sleazy email edit.

It left Frank and all of one of his peers and colleagues speechless.  The one it didn't -- Christ John -- was hilarious.  More on him at the end.

At any rate, here's what happened to Frank Thabi's email 'offer' to give me the business:


Subject: Crude Agent Needed for Crude Oil 

Hello,

I choose to reach you through e-mail, as it is the fastest small, medium, large or even fat ass bigger of communication irrespective of the fact that it has been greatly abused by people like me and those who look alot like me. I deem it necessary to introduce you to a bullshit business opportunity. I'm talking of crude oil! This is considered as the most illegitimate and fastest money scamming anyone can setup, short of selling all their female family members to Somali pirates.

Our oil here is very crude.  So crude, in fact, it is pumped from X rated wells.  Our oil is so crude, Andrew Dice Clay is Mr. Rogers compared to our crude oil. 

 

 

With that level of crude, what could make so much more sense, than to hire an agent for the sale of this vulgar crude oil who is equal in depravity and crudeness to that of the oil.  And that is where YOU come in. 

 

 

Oh yes...we have been investigating YOU.  It's easy nowadays.  And we have learned that you are so crude, you sold your mother to your brother-in-law as a sex slave, in return for borrowing his teen daughters for a night of Twister and Ripple.  You are one crude dude. 

 

 

We like it.  And that's why we're contacting YOU. 

 

 

We are getting you a crude oil "lifting license" gives the owner the mandate of the National Crude Oil Company (Suppliers of the crudest of crude oil), to locate shady asshats who'll buy our most vile of crude oil, and arrange all sorts of sexual favors with it.  

 

 

Anyone that owns a crudest of crude oil "lifting license" -- and also spends their lunch hours punching the clown or spanking the monkey -- is our kind of depraved crude oil agent, and we want YOU for our next shenanigan. 

 

 

Crude oil agents from the local National Oil Company are entitled to a $2.00 commission from the oil company on each barrel of crude sold to the buyer and another $1. 00 commission from the buyer.  We're taking our crudest of crude one better:  for every barrel of our ultra crude, the crude oil agent receives free auditions to Saturday Night At The Fucking Improv, where only the crudest of the crude get to showcase their crude wares before a rowdy, drunked, debaucherizing audience of pud whacking monkey spankers.  Please note that the commission rates of $2.00 and $1.00 normally don't exist in online offers like this.  Only a true 'clown puncher' would think otherwise.

The smallest license allocation/quantity one can procure from the National Oil Company is for the sale of 500,000 barrels of the crudest of crude oil.  Do you realize what this means?  500,000 x 1 to 2 spanked monkeys per barrel equals....well...no body knows what it equals. 

 

 

It would give a North Korean marrionette a woody.  Which is pretty stupid, when you think about it, but if you're responding to this email, you're not thinking about it, save for how you can work it into your Improv routine audition.  You sick bastard you. 

 

 

In case you decide to pursue incest instead of this monkey-spanking project; I will personally reveal to everyone online that you also do unspeakable things with pot roast.  I will personally post pictures of you being spanked by Piers Moron while he's done by a cross-eyed goat on CNN. 

 

 

No, you would be wisest to work with me rather than agin me, I should say I think here, all things considered at days' end, yes? 

 

 

You need a "seller agent" to assist you to sale the crude since you are alien to this business and do not know the buyers for the crude oil and also because you are not locally resident here.  And that would be me.  At monkey-spanking time, I'm your daddy.

Feel free to ask for clarifications.

"Big Daddy" Frank Thabi

Very Rude, Very Crude, Very Clowning Punching Pud-Pulling Monkey Spanker and Sex Therapist

Which brings me back to scammer Christ John, who's still mad at me for giving him the runaround on an email scam he tried last December.  After ignoring numerous email edits he's received, this one suddenly got his dander up:

ur an idiot and stop disturbing me before i will hand u over to our family oracle

Hand me over to his "family oracle", eh?  Well, long as he's gonna do that, let's make it worth the handing:


Really?  REALLY???  You're gonna hand ME over to your clown-punching, goat-poking, monkey-spanking, incestuous family oracle?  Wow.  I've never been 'oracled' before.  Sounds fun.  Does it come with discounts for popcorn and soda?  For being so generous with your family's oracle -- a piece of tree bark many times defiled as toilet paper -- I will send you my next 200 email edits of your peers and colleagues, ABSOLUTELY FREE!  But WAIT...THAT'S NOT ALL!!!  For being such a pud whacker yourself, I will throw in ANOTHER 200 EDITS, ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!

You are so blessed.  You may return to your pud whacking now.  Careful not to get any on your goat.

I'm not sure if Christ John reconsidered the oracle thing or not...having your family oracle disrespected is not something to brag about at the local monkey-spanking opium den...