This Translation Ain't Lost; It Should Be

After a somewhat lengthy absence from my email boxes, the Russian dating scammers is/are making something of a comeback.

The current one started out as "Olga", and urged me to visit a chat site that had translation services available.

What fun would THAT be?

So I rewrote her email...pretty crudely I must say, and sent it back to her.

Apparently her email has no such translation services, because she responded AGAIN, asking me to visit the chatsite...but this time, she was "Anna".

So I wrote back, asking her whether she preferred that I call her Olga or Anna, and what the pros and cons of such an arrangement might be.

If she went and found herself an email translator, it's good that they apparently can't translate smartass from English to Russian.  But I digress.

Somewhat amazingly, she (or whomsoever) wrote me back again, this time with a two paragraph missive about how there are so many lonely people in the world, and that she does not wish to be with them, so can we have emails to see if we can be two hearts united to one?

All together now...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This time, she was Anya P.

A few more emails like this, and I might wind up with a first AND last name of someone.

Well...call me old, impatient, impertinent, curmudgeony, flatulent, whatever...I wasn't willing to wait to see who'd write next.  So I decided to take some English-speaking liberties with her last email, and return it to her and 100 of her soon-to-be ardent fans and peers in Scamworld.

It went back looking like this:

Hello!

You know, they say that the first time for anything means that there was no time prior to that first time.  I say to that, huh?  I am stupid person of tartar descent, and I am not of the sure as to what there is the meaning therein of, you know?

 

Pardons to me, I just learning of this language of English last week using Pimsleur papsmear pregnancy test kit, and I think my resultings are that my dangling participles are impregnated with pause, yes?

 

You know, we Russians have a saying:  if I write it in Russian, you of English speaks won't know to have a word of the idea that I just sayed, so I will speaks to it in the languages I just learned so I can translute the postrophe in such a way and curd that all will be clear as Ukrainian mud, hokay fineski? 

 

Like they sez in Milwaukee, here's mud in your ear!  There is and are so many people in the world, but some of them is and some of them are, and either and/or neither knows which is and which is are.  At once it is and are a problematic, yes?  As aside, I shoot Russian Tokorev problematic pistol in Russian Army; it survive after multiple surgeries to replace what I shotted offen it. 

 

Mayhaps one days or weeks it will forgave me.  I am now at end of my digressive, I think yes.

 

Anyways to Buffalo, peoples are not with their better halfs because they not find their better half yet, I think this is right, yes?  Which half is the better half you wishes to have speaks with me to know?  As famous American actress/slut say in show Jersey Shore Is Polluted, "F**k!".  I use term properly and with feeling, yes?   If not, you tell me how, F**kLips, and I reward you with a borscht fart in closed room. 

 

And you capitalists thought Chernobyl was badly. 

 

If you are alone and want to find your love, you can write me and ask me if I know anyone you can love, because I myself is a selfish beeyotch from Kursk who love nothing more than watching radioactive-exposed hamsters get drunk on vodka while sodomizing Kulaks.

 

I am weird in this way, yes?

 

Anyway, you email me, and I will work to f**k up your love life for never and ever after, because love is bouquet of pretty flowers which smell bad; fall not in love therefore...it will stick to your face.

 

Ewwwski.

 

I'm alone and looking for a good inflatable man, who will give me his love and care when I not have him folded up in closet when I not need the bastard for animal sex.  Who knows, maybe we can fill
up our inflatable dolls with vodka, and get high on the fumes.

My e-mail address is Pokrovskiay1976@yandex.ru

I'm looking forward to your letter.  After reading mine, I bet it'll be something to look four words through.
Anya P.

Either she got herself an email translator that actually works, or she is still trying to piece together her next reply to what I dun to her email, Ma.  It's been a week with no response now.

 

If she does write back, I hope her next name is not "Kitteh"...