Russian Anna's Back On The Old Ploy

I guess self-inflicted death by way of Russian black market sleeping pills proved too much for Anna...if you remember my last post about her.

Yup.  She's baaaaaaaack.  And as you'll see in the few new pics she sent me...she's baaaaaack with the same ol' schpiel.

Here is her resurrection from the 'dead' opening salvo:


Greetings my love, my  future husband .
I feel perfectly. Mood good,
And my soul sings about love to you. I smile and am very happy,
that I have you my sweet prince!
I would think, that wakening in the morning and supervision of you
near to me will be remarkable experience. I would not wake you but
only to observe, that you sleep, and surprise, that you dreamed. I
just would lay there and to think as far as the successful person I
should be with you. Then in cool of morning I would slide from, cover
and to go in kitchen. As soon as there I would do you by
good breakfast and a place it on serving tray. The tray would have
your coffee and a sandwich which I would prepare itself for you. I
would bring it in a room of a bed that you have not risen yet. Then I
would wake you with gentle kisses, and whisper " i love you ". I would
observe your frank beautiful eyes open for morning light, and then I
shall speak you loudly, how many the happiness you has brought to me.
I would be down of a pillow behind of you and then am similar to the
employee, I shall serve my prince its breakfast. We would speak,
and a bit later I shall pull you in a hot bath. The bath with bubbles
and colors which float on water, very much is pleasant to me it. I
would like to wipe your body gelem, and then you might clean my
hair. You would be endowed and with noble kisses, I shall come back to
do preparation within our day. We then would load bicycles in
our automobile with a basket of picnic. We would be then to mountains
to go and take pleasure in clear air of mountain. If you would like,
we might go on a bicycle all day. Would find Lake it sine-green in
colour and surrounded it is white - barking Aspens. Their tiny green
listya are displaced by extremely small wind. The sky would be bright
sine with white dance of clouds. Air is cleaned also fresh. We would
go for flotin cold water of lake. Only to tease each other in cool
water. After navigation we would lay on the towels which are heating
up us is direct on the sun. And nevertheless I would kiss you and you
kissing me. What you would do then? You finish a history.
My dear I want to give you the life, so full remarkable things and to
present you a lot of happiness. I want to make you by king of my
heart. I want to love you am similar to you, always wanted. I want for
you happiness which service life  will last.  

And of course, it came along with more of those endearing pictures that Anna isn't terribly attentive about grouping together.  For instance:

Right along side of this:

And of course there was this one that was supposed to melt the ice in my heart that this post began with:

Which seems to be at odds with a previously sent photo that she absent-mindedly sent again:

I'm sure the absent mindedness is a result of her taking cut-rate Russian black market sleeping pills, made right at home in Chernobyl.  The other side affect -- having to use Nair to brush your teeth for the chia pet-ish canine and molar hairs -- can be covered up with modest photo retouching.

Meanwhile...I'm back to being her future husband.  Or at least, 'Jack' is.  And my character was quick to let her know how happy he was to see her back:


Really?  Back from the dead, Anna?  How'd you find it...restful?  Or terribly boring?  I'm banking on the latter.  And speaking of banking, I just had to KNOW you'd be back.  Oh yes...there are some things that a man knows instinctively.  Like how to change the subject when a woman asks "is my butt getting fat?".  Or when a woman says in a dismissive manner, "oh, it's okay", the guy knows it really isn't and he's in for a Chernobyl-esque meltdown unless he makes amends and QUICK. 

Well, I know you, Anna.  And I knew you'd be back.  That $925 is an itch your soul can't scratch 'til you have it.  And as I told you many times before, it's right where you can have it...all you have to do is go to Aeroflot in Moscow to get it.  Not Sochi...besides, that four-out-of-five ringed nonsense is over anyway.  Bob Costas can have an eye vacation.

And thanks for the pictures.  As always, you were choosing them in bad lighting, yes?

Anna didn't waste any time touching on that reply:


My dear I want to give you the life, so full remarkable things and to
present you a lot of happiness. I want to make you by king of my
heart. I want to love you am similar to you, always wanted. I want for
you happiness which service life  will last. I also
want, that you loved me is similar to you, never loved anybody before.
I want to be the centre of your life and some, as we should do
the child to like.  You make my heart sing when you say you can
pay for me to make my dreams true.  


Oh I can imagine the tune your heart plays when it hears anything suggestive of 'money', Anna.  Just be careful not to get too excited and give yourself an annayrism...or did you see what I just did there?

I'm still waiting to see if she did...*ducking boos and throwd cotton balls*

Unless something new develops here, I'll spare you any more 'annayrisms'...

This Translation Ain't Lost; It Should Be

After a somewhat lengthy absence from my email boxes, the Russian dating scammers is/are making something of a comeback.

The current one started out as "Olga", and urged me to visit a chat site that had translation services available.

What fun would THAT be?

So I rewrote her email...pretty crudely I must say, and sent it back to her.

Apparently her email has no such translation services, because she responded AGAIN, asking me to visit the chatsite...but this time, she was "Anna".

So I wrote back, asking her whether she preferred that I call her Olga or Anna, and what the pros and cons of such an arrangement might be.

If she went and found herself an email translator, it's good that they apparently can't translate smartass from English to Russian.  But I digress.

Somewhat amazingly, she (or whomsoever) wrote me back again, this time with a two paragraph missive about how there are so many lonely people in the world, and that she does not wish to be with them, so can we have emails to see if we can be two hearts united to one?

All together now...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This time, she was Anya P.

A few more emails like this, and I might wind up with a first AND last name of someone.

Well...call me old, impatient, impertinent, curmudgeony, flatulent, whatever...I wasn't willing to wait to see who'd write next.  So I decided to take some English-speaking liberties with her last email, and return it to her and 100 of her soon-to-be ardent fans and peers in Scamworld.

It went back looking like this:

Hello!

You know, they say that the first time for anything means that there was no time prior to that first time.  I say to that, huh?  I am stupid person of tartar descent, and I am not of the sure as to what there is the meaning therein of, you know?

 

Pardons to me, I just learning of this language of English last week using Pimsleur papsmear pregnancy test kit, and I think my resultings are that my dangling participles are impregnated with pause, yes?

 

You know, we Russians have a saying:  if I write it in Russian, you of English speaks won't know to have a word of the idea that I just sayed, so I will speaks to it in the languages I just learned so I can translute the postrophe in such a way and curd that all will be clear as Ukrainian mud, hokay fineski? 

 

Like they sez in Milwaukee, here's mud in your ear!  There is and are so many people in the world, but some of them is and some of them are, and either and/or neither knows which is and which is are.  At once it is and are a problematic, yes?  As aside, I shoot Russian Tokorev problematic pistol in Russian Army; it survive after multiple surgeries to replace what I shotted offen it. 

 

Mayhaps one days or weeks it will forgave me.  I am now at end of my digressive, I think yes.

 

Anyways to Buffalo, peoples are not with their better halfs because they not find their better half yet, I think this is right, yes?  Which half is the better half you wishes to have speaks with me to know?  As famous American actress/slut say in show Jersey Shore Is Polluted, "F**k!".  I use term properly and with feeling, yes?   If not, you tell me how, F**kLips, and I reward you with a borscht fart in closed room. 

 

And you capitalists thought Chernobyl was badly. 

 

If you are alone and want to find your love, you can write me and ask me if I know anyone you can love, because I myself is a selfish beeyotch from Kursk who love nothing more than watching radioactive-exposed hamsters get drunk on vodka while sodomizing Kulaks.

 

I am weird in this way, yes?

 

Anyway, you email me, and I will work to f**k up your love life for never and ever after, because love is bouquet of pretty flowers which smell bad; fall not in love therefore...it will stick to your face.

 

Ewwwski.

 

I'm alone and looking for a good inflatable man, who will give me his love and care when I not have him folded up in closet when I not need the bastard for animal sex.  Who knows, maybe we can fill
up our inflatable dolls with vodka, and get high on the fumes.

My e-mail address is Pokrovskiay1976@yandex.ru

I'm looking forward to your letter.  After reading mine, I bet it'll be something to look four words through.
Anya P.

Either she got herself an email translator that actually works, or she is still trying to piece together her next reply to what I dun to her email, Ma.  It's been a week with no response now.

 

If she does write back, I hope her next name is not "Kitteh"...

The Cyber Dating Game

I am baaaaad. Vewy, VEWY baaaaaad.

Received this rather well-writted email from an alleged female of alleged eastern Euro descent, who wants me:

Hello,

My name is Olga Shevashevski,How are you doing?I am sorry to encroach into your privates in this manner, I find it pleasurable to offer you my friendship and possible more.I saw your profile today and became interested in you. Please I want to be a close with and a close confident friend with you, and i have all that it take to make you happy and contended with me. i would love to have communication with you.lets know each other better and i will sendyou my photoes and tell you more about my me that i is saved for a man like
you. I now live in Kiev but i am for a man of your world. I know that when
my photoes you see you will see what i am bring to you my love.
As soon as i get a mail from you i will send you my photoes to you so that
you can know me ok!!! i will like to be a very good with you, i am waiting
to have you in my box.thanks.Thank you.Olga

As I said...my is bad. Vewy, VEWY bad.

I've started receiving some what I'm taking as Russian bride scam emails again. Yeah, I know it's not necessarily a good thing to 'profile'. In the internet world, an email can come from anywhere. But when they come with the name "Olga Schevashevski", claim to be "from Kiev", and have an email ending in "dating.ru", I think I have at least a shred of evidence to base an opinion upon.

The email was nothing I hadn't seen before, nor was the well-written prose new to me. And even though I don't have any kind of "approved by me" profiles for dating on any site, and even though the email didn't come specifically addressed to me, or to any other of the several dozen 'undisclosed recipients', I decided to draft not a reply...but a suggested edit and rewrite.

Granted, "Olga" didn't send me a picture with the original email, though she promised to when I responded, I felt it righteous to fix that omission in her otherwise very convincing* email that seeks cyberlurve**, when I did a little suggestive "creative editing" of her missive, and returned it to her and two dozen of her a-sordid friends and colleagues. After all, doesn't a photo that fits the email tend to help the 'context'?

I think it do:

From: Olga Schevashevski mpoescu@dating.ru

To:

Sent: Friday, March 30, 2012 4:55 PM

Subject: Hello
Hello,

My name is Olga Shevashevski, How are you doing? I am sorry to encroach into your privates in this manner, I find it pleasurable to offer you my very experienced sexual favors and my very broked in vaginal cavity for things you can imagine. I hopes you imagines with gusto and innovation, because I can fit one half of a Yugo in there.
Yes, I can.
It not that i no find love here. But i am tired of sex with yaks.
I saw your profile today and became interested in you. Please I want to be a nymphomaniacal f**k buddy and a close confident friend with your wallet, and i have all that it take to make you happy and contended with me for at least long enough i hopes to empty your wallet and bank accounts. i would love to have communication with you.lets know each other better and i send you my photoes and tell you more about my me that i is saved for a man like you. I send you one photoe to make you appetite for more.
I now live in Kiev but i am for a man who can appreciate my experience but not too soon. I know that when my photoes you see you will see what i am bring to you.
As soon as i get a mail from you i will send you more my photoes to you so that you can know me ok!!! i will like to be a very good with you, i am waiting to have you in my box. It need some lubricating before it fall out to my knees again.
I hate when that happen.

thanks

Olga

I haven't heard back from "Olga", but I wonder if she's gotten any hits from her two dozen friends and colleagues? Perhaps I have brought together to lost, wandering souls seeking love in cyberscamspace?

*Snort*

* uh huh...

** of any respondent's bank account