Bitte Gefallen Undt Can't Gettensee Uppen

Yeah, I know you thought this was soeterocare's train wreck in progress.

It's a good guesstimate of where it's headed, but I digress.

I've heard from scammer Edwin Nicolas before.  In English.  And then in French.

Now, he sprechen ze Deutsch.

Fine wid me.

Not that I am conversant in German; oh, I can sound like I'm sprechening the lingo, but to a genuine German, it'd be Greek.

A family member saw what I dun with Eddie's email and suggested that I use Google Translator; perhaps in some future post.

Winging it is far more fun.

Here's what Edwin sent me:


Gruß

Ich bin Edwin Nicolas, wenden Sie ich wegen Fonds ($ 10.5Million
Dollar), die nicht beansprucht wurden seit dem Tod meines Mandanten
wem den gleichen Nachnamen mit Ihnen, die Nachfrage der Banken trägt,
dass ich die nächsten Angehörigen sonst kontaktieren seiner Mittel
werden übertragen in die Regierung Rechnung als unzustellbar
Einzahlung.

Ich brauche Ihre Hilfe, um als nächsten Angehörigen stehen da Sie
thesame Nachnamen mit meinem verstorbenen Client für sofortige
Freisetzung und Übertragung des Sondervermögens in Ihre Bankverbindung
für unsere gegenseitigen Nutzen tragen sonst wird es von der Bank
eingezogen werden

Du musst mir schnell zu kontaktieren für weitere Erklärungen, indem er
erklärt Ihr Interesse.
Bitte nehmen Sie Kontakt mit mir durch meine private E-Mail
(edwinnicolas2@yahoo.com) für weitere Details.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
Edwin Nicolas (Esq) 


And here is how I chose to edit it, using that form of Douschesprechen that I am so knowd for:


Gruß

Ich bin Edwin Nicolas, wenden menchausen bitte spitzen sparken undt

hundsfott das anken bitten, die nicht beansprucht midde Jack undt das

giantgruppen (biggen schiesse, das vun) Mannheim Steamblower
wem den gleichen Nachnamen mit cocken sprechen, die Nachfrage der

todt crotchen rotten trägt, dass ich die nächsten Anglefokkendorken sonst

wunderbar midde happy houren undt schtuff, sir das Mittel
werden borkenderkenderken ist kaput undt gefallen see go boom.

Ich brauchewurst das bangen phartfignewton Hilfe, um als pilsen Angus moozen da Sie
matchen Nachos mit meinem verstorcheesen Clint Eastvood für sofortige
Freisenshooten bang bang das maken dayenzee, y'knowenzee?

 

Du musst mir schnell zu kontakpaten undt wipen das bum undt schtuff Erklärungen,

indem er mastiff vienerschnitzel Ihr Interesse.  Bitte nehmen Sie Kontakt mit mir douche

meine primate E-Mail (edwinnicolas2@yahoo.com) für das schiesse.

Mit vernicht lichen Grüßenferken dorken awpeterstain,
Edwin Nicolas (Esq) 

 

 

Perhaps I haven't heard back from Edwin on accounta cuz he DID use Google Translator, and it can't fathom my version.

 

Ya think?

This Translation Ain't Lost; It Should Be

After a somewhat lengthy absence from my email boxes, the Russian dating scammers is/are making something of a comeback.

The current one started out as "Olga", and urged me to visit a chat site that had translation services available.

What fun would THAT be?

So I rewrote her email...pretty crudely I must say, and sent it back to her.

Apparently her email has no such translation services, because she responded AGAIN, asking me to visit the chatsite...but this time, she was "Anna".

So I wrote back, asking her whether she preferred that I call her Olga or Anna, and what the pros and cons of such an arrangement might be.

If she went and found herself an email translator, it's good that they apparently can't translate smartass from English to Russian.  But I digress.

Somewhat amazingly, she (or whomsoever) wrote me back again, this time with a two paragraph missive about how there are so many lonely people in the world, and that she does not wish to be with them, so can we have emails to see if we can be two hearts united to one?

All together now...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This time, she was Anya P.

A few more emails like this, and I might wind up with a first AND last name of someone.

Well...call me old, impatient, impertinent, curmudgeony, flatulent, whatever...I wasn't willing to wait to see who'd write next.  So I decided to take some English-speaking liberties with her last email, and return it to her and 100 of her soon-to-be ardent fans and peers in Scamworld.

It went back looking like this:

Hello!

You know, they say that the first time for anything means that there was no time prior to that first time.  I say to that, huh?  I am stupid person of tartar descent, and I am not of the sure as to what there is the meaning therein of, you know?

 

Pardons to me, I just learning of this language of English last week using Pimsleur papsmear pregnancy test kit, and I think my resultings are that my dangling participles are impregnated with pause, yes?

 

You know, we Russians have a saying:  if I write it in Russian, you of English speaks won't know to have a word of the idea that I just sayed, so I will speaks to it in the languages I just learned so I can translute the postrophe in such a way and curd that all will be clear as Ukrainian mud, hokay fineski? 

 

Like they sez in Milwaukee, here's mud in your ear!  There is and are so many people in the world, but some of them is and some of them are, and either and/or neither knows which is and which is are.  At once it is and are a problematic, yes?  As aside, I shoot Russian Tokorev problematic pistol in Russian Army; it survive after multiple surgeries to replace what I shotted offen it. 

 

Mayhaps one days or weeks it will forgave me.  I am now at end of my digressive, I think yes.

 

Anyways to Buffalo, peoples are not with their better halfs because they not find their better half yet, I think this is right, yes?  Which half is the better half you wishes to have speaks with me to know?  As famous American actress/slut say in show Jersey Shore Is Polluted, "F**k!".  I use term properly and with feeling, yes?   If not, you tell me how, F**kLips, and I reward you with a borscht fart in closed room. 

 

And you capitalists thought Chernobyl was badly. 

 

If you are alone and want to find your love, you can write me and ask me if I know anyone you can love, because I myself is a selfish beeyotch from Kursk who love nothing more than watching radioactive-exposed hamsters get drunk on vodka while sodomizing Kulaks.

 

I am weird in this way, yes?

 

Anyway, you email me, and I will work to f**k up your love life for never and ever after, because love is bouquet of pretty flowers which smell bad; fall not in love therefore...it will stick to your face.

 

Ewwwski.

 

I'm alone and looking for a good inflatable man, who will give me his love and care when I not have him folded up in closet when I not need the bastard for animal sex.  Who knows, maybe we can fill
up our inflatable dolls with vodka, and get high on the fumes.

My e-mail address is Pokrovskiay1976@yandex.ru

I'm looking forward to your letter.  After reading mine, I bet it'll be something to look four words through.
Anya P.

Either she got herself an email translator that actually works, or she is still trying to piece together her next reply to what I dun to her email, Ma.  It's been a week with no response now.

 

If she does write back, I hope her next name is not "Kitteh"...

Credit THIS

We're into the second decade of the 21st Century, and yet some scammers still choose to operate the old fashioned way.

Via the USPS.  Which is okay with me; I can operate either way.  Especially when they include a postage paid envelope  ;-)

First, a little background:  I received via mail an offer -- a PRE-APPROVED OFFER -- for a $10,000 'credit card' with an APR of 5%, from Union Workers Credit Services.  In the "offer", they threw around references to Visa, Mastercard, etc.  And they suggested that my one-time acceptance "fee" of $37 would be fully refunded me with my first purchase.  From a catalogue.  But first, I had to accept their terms by sending them a check or money order for $37.

*TOING*

The same *warning buzzer* that goes off in my head every time I read a scam email was sounding with the same urgency now.

In this case, it was only the fact that I'd left the tea to boil a tad too long.  After disconnecting the smoke detectors and airing out the room to improve visibility, I went back to my perusal with a little online research.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

The Better Business Bureau rates this outfit an "F", as well as non-responsive to their inquiries.  Ripoff Report online shows over 600 complaints about them (the BBB listed over 450).

Oh yeah...this was so *game on*.

The rewrite was a little different; I couldn't scan in the original document and then cut/paste it for the edit; I had to remake the document in my own desired format.

Here is what they received back from me in their postage paid envelope.  *WARNING:  words I rarely use or allow on this blog were used aplenty in the edit*: 


Union Workers Credit Services
1327 Vampire Central Suite 130
Dumbass, TX 75247 (we sure hope you are)
　Credit Limit: Yes
Member Status: F**ked
Classification: Dumbass
Expires: Only AFTER we f**k you
Interest Rape: For everything we can get
Credit* Provider: A Lying Sack Of Sh*t Company (aka, Union Workers Credit Services)


CONGRATULATIONS, ASSHAT!!


It’s nice to inform you that you have been identified and PRE-APPROVED for a BUTT F**KING UNDER THE GUISE OF RECEIVING A PHATINUM CARD from Union Workers Credit Services with a GUARANTEED** limit of whatever we can f**k out of you!!
You don’t have to worry if you have been denied access to legitimate credit. The UWCS PHATINUM Card offers many benefits*** including getting offered****a very low interest rate*****!!


And this is all on accounta cuz you is PRE-APPROVED******!!!!!


This is a limited time offer*******so act NOW. Failure to do so will get the scum sucking, goat poking hourly sot who sent you this fired for non-productivity, and that will be one more unemployment sh*t you’ll have to support, you greedy, mean-spirited BASTARD. So quickly...don’t stop to THINK about it or read the fine print********, just enclose $37 by check, money order, first born’s IRA, 401k, savings bonds...whatever the f**k you got...and send it along with this ACTIVATE THE BUTTF**K FORM today!!!


YOU HAVE BEEN TARGETED FOR THIS BECAUSE WE GOT AHOLD OF YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS, AND WE ARE HOPING THAT YOU’RE STUPID AS A TEXAS TREE STUMP. OR BETTER STILL, DUMBER THAN AL GORE!!! NOTHING WRITTEN HEREAFTER MATTERS EVEN THOUGH WE WERE REQUIRED TO WRITE IT. DON’T BOTHER READING IT, IT’S BORING.



* credit only to a catalogue of junk and crap not worth a sh*t
** we guarantee ONLY that we’ll screw you for whatever we can..just ask the BBB, Rip-Off Report, etc...
*** none of which amounts to flea dick
**** offered is one thing; getting anything of value is another
***** interest rape, more likely
****** we approve of f**king you out of whatever we can
******* limited for however long we can stay one step ahead of the law
******** gawddammit, we said DON’T READ THIS SH*T..STOP F**KING READING THIS SH*T!!!!!!



　UNION WORKERS CREDIT SERVICES: Union corrupt, Union useless. That’s us.


And just for sh*ts and giggles, I sent them "money", in the form of this $100 bill:

I mean, that's good for 2.65 or so memberships, right?

At any rate, I am glad to see that in the age of dire straits for the USPS, scammers are doing their part to help...