Sunday, February 10, 2013

Understanding Not Soiled By Comprehension

It all began in mid December, when Khumalo Martin -- a scammer of dubious antecedence and worse grammatical reading skills -- sent me an offer to give me the business, via a bank in South Africa.

It began because poor ol' Khumalo did not read, or was unable to grasp, the nature of the email 'beast' he'd contacted, when I edited his email and sent it back to him and a hundred of his colleagues. 

This is what he received back from me:


                                                    NEXT TO KEN

I am Mr.Khumalo Martin of the above firm, representing the interests of potential boyfriends to the venerated and world-known doll known as Barbie.  After the heartless wench tossed Ken out of her life to become more liberated, it fell to organizations like mine to find suitable beaus for an increasingly liberated, narrow-minded, haughtily bee-yotchy doll that was threatening to blow the lid off doll sexuality in the toy world.
And all because Ken had no winkee.
Barbie didn't give a damn that this was not Ken's fault; Mattel made him that way.
To toy feminazis, it didn't matter that Barbie had no vaggie-waggie herself; it was all politically correct hooey on the order of social engineering, masquerading as genderification and a toy's genuine lack thereof.
Oh sure, Barbie had ta-tas that only those with silicon concrete mammories could appreciate; but it always came back to Ken's lack of a winkee. 
Small wonder that Ken is now living a vagrant existence in a toy department store window, modelling hats.  Widdout a 'bulge', there'd be no racy underwear ads and hormonal attractions by the opposing sex in Ken's sordid future. 
It's no wonder that Ken is known in the industry as a 'thingaquin', rather than a mannequin.  And all because Mattel didn't have the heart to give Ken a winkee.
They gave G. I. Joe a rocket launcher.  Barbie loves her some serious RPG.  Ken couldn't compete.
So you see why my organization has rushed to Ken's belated defense.
I want you, my friends, to donate to forcing Mattel to provide Ken with a winkee.  Perhaps it's not too late for Barbie to have a heart about Ken.
Especially if Mattel throws in a vaggie-waggie for Barbie.
Toy Story IV could become the next Love Story.  Or Shrek V, without the paint-peeling farts.
I shall revalidate all the necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim that Ken may need to have a Mattel-financed winkee.  I guarantee you this will not be the strangest email you've ever received, but it will probably be the strangest this early in 2013.
 Kindly call me on my phone number -- which I moronically forgot to include, because I am a mugu and a moron, as if this whole email didn't convince you of this already -- or send an email to me for security reasons.  I need your strong assurance and confidentiality.
 Best regards,
(Director of Foreign Relations)

Now, I don't know what Mr. Khumalo Martin does or doesn't know; but if I base it on his reply to the above, I can say with a substantial degree of confidence that he don't know much in the way of English:

please,do let me know if you are interested or not?

And this began over a dozen exchanges of emails, the gist of which was that Mr. Khumalo Martin wanted me to accept receipt of money he'd 'found' in his bank branch -- the oft-scammed(ing) Bank of Africa -- to the tune of $20.5 Million USD.  And he would make the whole transaction "100% risk free and legal" by way of securing documents via his attorney -- aka Jack Botha, represented by his legal assistant, Sharon Brown -- for the meager fee of $5,000 USD.

Which I was to wire to Botha/Brown ASAP, via another party (see the upcoming exchanges).

Well, my character -- Ben Dover -- was ever so willing to fall in with this scam, after the Barbie/Ken gambit was wholly ignored.  Which I guess is understandable:  who cares about two genitaless dolls, anyway?

Ben was quick to assure Khumalo that the money would be secured and wired ASAP.  And Khumalo -- with his weak grasp of English -- made certain that 'Ben' could exercise a loophole requirement, by insisting that after the money had been wired, "the attorney will need the receipt copy soonest". 


Of course, Khumalo meant that I should scan in and email the receipt copy to the attorney.  That's what HE meant.

Ol' Ben had other ideas.

I now pick up with the "to and fro" between first Ben and Khumalo, and then Ben and the attorney (Ben in italics, Khumalo 'n friends in bold):

yes the paymet slip reciept the Money transfer bank gave to you send it to me is really you have made the payment


The slip? Do you mean the receipt? I have it here.
I am sure that if you really sent the money,the Lawyer will not have any difficulty getting the money from Moneygram as you promised.Send me the copy of the reciept for the Moneygram.
Thank you.
Kind Regards,

 I need your mailing address if you want the Money Gram receipt. My scanner is broke, so I need to snail mail it to you. Send me your address so I can get this done. The money you said your attorney needs is there.

Please,stop joking over this any big deal in scanning and sending the information to us.if your scanner is not working so there is no place for you to do that even at the library? i called you so many times your phone keeps going on answering machine if you are real and have sent the money you could have given me a call or find a place to do the scanning. thanks

Khumalo, you are failing to understand me: my computer scanner doesn't work. If you want the copy of the receipt, I must send it via regular mail to either you or your attorney.
Get me a mailing address for you or him so I can send you my proof that I wired the money and you can get it.

Thank you for your mail.I am wondering why its becoming difficult for you to send the receipt of the payment you claimed making.However,this is the email address of the Lawyer: I had already sent his address to you.I will be waiting for your response.
Kind Regards email is on MY computer, NOT the library one. Besides, you said you wanted the receipt. I'm only trying to make this work. I wired the money, and you're being an ass about it. Let's cut the crap and you give me your attorney's mailing address...I'll send him the receipt, since he's the one that needs the money anyway. You don't have to be any further part of it, since it's obvious to me you don't want to be. Get me your attorney's mailing address and we can get this done.

So using the email address of the attorney, I send the following:

Hey there mr. attorney, I ain't got a working scanner, and your client, Khumalo Martin is insistent that you have the actual receipt for the wire transfer, so what is your mailing address so I can send it to you?

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail.Do send the copy of the payment receipt through this email address (a repeat of the email address)

You are NOT understanding me. I am unable to scan you a copy of the receipt. My computer scanner is broken. PLEASE give me your mailing address – you know, the one where you get regular mail, delivered by a person who delivers mail – so we can get on this. I mean, there’s $5000 just sitting there in Money Gram, awaiting you.

Subject: Re: OFFICIAL MEMO.Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail.I can not understand why you seem not bothered about your supposedly sent money staying longer than necessary with Moneygram according to you?
This is a very simple thing to do.You do not have to scan any receipt to us.Sent to us details of the payment(Name of the Sender,Address of the Sender and the MTCN-Reference Number for the payment).With these information's,our Accountant, Mr. Duah Alex Boafo will cash the payment for us to proceed with the transaction.
Otherwise,this is our Office Address:34 Plein Street.Rosebank,Johannesburg.South Africa.2000
Yours Faithfully,

 Dear M'am Attorney,
The reason I am so concerned with doing things this way is because Khumalo was so insistent that a copy of the receipt be delivered to either him or you. Now that I have your mailing address, I shall attend to this straight away. I would appreciate email notification when you receive it via overseas airmail.

Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail.Email us the details of the Moneygram you sent.This is very easy and simple.If you really sent any money,sending the payment details will not take you two minutes to send across to us.
Yours Faithfully,

No worries, M'am: I have sent you the Money Gram receipt as Khumalo wanted me to. You should have it via air mail in a few days. Once you have it, contact me for next steps. 

Dear Sir,
Send us the details of the Moneygram you made(Name of the Sender,Address of the Sender and the Reference Number of the Payment) through this email address.Letters send through post office here are not safe and it takes weeks to get here.
So send us the details of the Moneygram you made please.

I'm sorry, but I sent you the receipt via USPS overseas airmail on Tuesday, as I said that I would. Since Khumalo Martin insisted on the receipt, that's why I sent it, since my scanner was broken and I couldn't scan it and email it.
So we'll have to wait for you to receive the letter. I was told it should arrive within 7-10 days at the most.

Dear Sir,
If I may ask,why do you have to wait till 7-10 days to receive a postage while you can send the details through the email within a second without scanning it.All we are asking are the details for the payment which you can send via email.
Yours Faithfully,

Dear M'am: you are apparently not reading well my contents as written. Let me try this again: my computer scanner is broken. This means to the average reader that is BROKEN. It DOESN'T WORK. I cannot SCAN with it. Do you understand this now?
Next: Khumalo Martin insisted on a copy of the receipt. Since my scanner was broken, the ONLY WAY I could get you the copy of the receipt was to mail it to you via conventional mail. That is why I asked first him for a mailing address, then you. And that is why I mailed you the receipt. So that (a) I am fulfilling the instructions I received from Khumalo Martin (b) that you will have the authentic receipt to then get the money from Money Gram with and (c) so that you will know that I have, in fact, wired you the money.
You keep suggesting that I haven't wired it. When you receive this receipt, you will feel very foolish, because my honesty will be then equal to yours (*TOING*, one I am sure they'll not notice).
So...I have sent you the receipt. When it is delivered to you, you may go to Money Gram and pick up the $5,000. THEN you may contact me and instruct me on what steps I will next need to take to receive the funds the $5,000 is supposed to make available to me.
I hope that this will now make things perfectly clear to you.

Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail.If you read our mail very well,you will understand clearly that we are not asking you to send us any scanned copy.Send us in writing the name of the sender,address of the sender and the Reference Number of the Transfer.That is what we are asking and we feel that you can provide us with these information's if you did made any Moneygram payment as claimed.
Yours Faithfully,

I keep thinking I've explained this plainly to you, and you keep providing me with mounting evidence that I am not getting through to you.  Again....I SENT YOU the receipt.  I DIDN'T KEEP IT.  I SENT IT TO YOU.  I cannot give you the information on it because I SENT IT TO YOU.  TO YOU.  IT'S IN THE MAIL TO YOU.  IT'S MAILED TO YOU.  IT'S COMING VIA OVERSEAS AIRMAIL TO YOU.  When it arrives TO YOU, you will have all the information you need, because you will have the receipt in hand.  You will be able to verify all the information necessary to collect the $5,000.  You will know the reality of the situation when you have and present the receipt to your Money Gram.
Your doubts will all be settled.
I did NOT keep the receipt.  I sent it to YOU.  That is what Khumalo Martin asked me to do:  send you the receipt.  I have.  It is done.  When it arrives, you will have it. 
Does this clarify it for you, finally?
I certainly hope you are more able to communicate the details of the latter portion of this transaction, once you have the fee I wired you.

Are you saying that you do not know the details of the money you sent?I presumed you sent it yourself and do not need the receipt to furnish me with the information's am asking from you.Do you?

In other words,do you need the receipt to provide me with the name of the sender,address of the sender and the Reference Number which you can get from the Center where you did the transaction.Unless you are being economical with the truth in lieu of this,I do not see why those information's will not be made available to me as soon as possible.

Yours Faithfully,

Oy vey...
Really, M'am....of COURSE I know who sent the money.  It was ME.  And I know my address.  What I do not know is the reference number on the receipt, for the simple reason that it's on the receipt, and, once more, I SENT YOU THE RECEIPT!!!!
You seem obsessive, M'am.  Here is what I know:
I, Ben Dover, sent the wire transfer via Money Gram.
I sent it from my address:  161 Gregory Street, Central City, CO 80427  USA
I sent you $5,000.
I wired it to
ID NUMBER:681212 6879 089. 
The reference number on the wire will be in your hands when you receive the receipt. 
There is nothing else I can do until YOU get the receipt and cash the wire transfer.

Dear Sir,

Go to the Center where the Moneygram was made for the Reference Number.This is very simple as your Letter may take weeks to get here if it will not be tampered with before it gets here.This is for security reasons and I strongly believe that if really you sent money,you should follow our instructions to safe-guide your/the money you sent as you claimed.

I am getting most irritated with your constant suggestions that I didn't send the money.  Just who the f**k are YOU to challenge my credibility and integrity? 
I await your apology or explanation.

Dear Sir,
I do not mean to insult you but,we are so surprised that you sent US$5,000 out and do not seem to bother if we receive it or not.We expected you to send us the Reference Number as requested for its collection before you loose your money.

Since I was following Khumalo Martin's instructions on sending you the money, I was confident that it would work out properly.  Once you receive the receipt -- I expect this week -- I expect it to work as it was meant to all along.  

 Dear Sir,
We have our doubts that you truly sent any money hence,you will not delay in sending us the needed information's to cash the fund for us to proceed with your transaction.

You're going to look sooooo stupid, when that air mail arrives at your address with the receipt.  I will expect an apology in the next few days.  Perhaps I should doubt that YOU are an attorney, huh?  Perhaps I should wonder whether you'll use the receipt to get the money, or wipe your ass with it.  Perhaps I should wonder if you even know what to DO with money, huh?  You're giving me doubts you know what you're doing.   You'll have to prove to me you have any idea about financial transactions, once that receipt arrives.

I think the scammers are a bit butt-hurt by that last one...see what you think:

You are a joker to call me names on account of a simple request that I made towards resolving your transfer issue.Does that warrant your insults?

Well, 'Sharon', you've been denigrating my integrity by doubting my word, when I have followed the instructions of your client to the letter.  So if you can insult me, you can wear a few yourself.  When my receipt arrives in your mail in the next few days, you'll feel very stupid and apologetic.  You will see.  And when you get the receipt, I STILL EXPECT YOU TO PERFORM THE SERVICE YOU ARE BEING PAID TO PERFORM.  Your unprofessional conduct merely demands you prove your ability by completing your end of the bargain.  And once you have my money, you are obligated to do so.

Finally, after two more days of waiting, I get the email I have been anticipating from the day I sent the overseas airmail on its way:

What have you done!  We get your mail and the receipt at Money gram is no GOOD!!!  You are a liar!

Now now...I told you that I was being equal in honesty to you.  If you could understand what you read, you would have understood that.  Phffft.   Now as for the time you have had wasted during this episode, I would suggest you bill Khumalo Martin for the time.  After all, he set you up and suggested that I mail you a bad receipt.  That Khumalo Martin...what a jokester!  He funny!   Okay, I have fun with you.  Khumalo have fun with you.  You may now return to your usual acting stupid and looking worse. 

And through it all, Barbie is still pissed that Ken has no winkee.

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Blogger Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahahahaha. Oh this one is really S L O W!!! I'm just saying.

Have a fabulous day. Seymour sends his regards. :)

10 February, 2013 12:48  
Blogger Right Truth said...

Oh my goodness, he's probably bald by now, pulling his hair out with each email exchange.

Love the image too.

Right Truth

10 February, 2013 15:37  

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