Frog Alert

A ridiculous scam letter is deserving of a ridiculous attached photo, I think.

I could think of a better way to ring in 2013.  But I went with this one.

Once again, the FBI is writing to me.  AND the CIA.  AND Homeland Security.

On behalf of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Small wonder I would take it as seriously as I did.

Yes late in 2012, I get an email from the FBI titled "FRAUD ALERT", advising me not to deal with other parties and to follow their instructions or I would be subject to arrest.

The CIA, Homeland Security, and even the IRS were signed on to the email as well.  Which tells you how serious it was that I take this email seriously and follow their instructions.

Which you can see that I did, with the attached edit of the email that I sent back to them and dozens of their peers and colleagues:


Subject: FROG ALERT

 

CC: FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS (FBI)
HOMELAND SECURITY SERVICES
CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY (CIA)

FEDERAL AVIATION ADMINISTRATION

FEDERAL NEW HAIRPIECE FOR CHRIS MATTHEWS INITIATIVE

RED LOBSTER RESTAURANTS CORPORATE HQ

PARIS HILTON CROTCH WATCHERS

DEMOCRAP NATIONAL COMMITTEE DOUCHE NOZZLE ALLIANCE
19TH DECEMBER 2012


Attention:  SIR/MADAM/COMBO THEREOF


We received your email and wish to inform you that this is never a child’s play, we are ready to take you to any length if you fail to proof the legitimate source of the frogs you are about to receive.

As a series of Federal Commissions that have no real f**king idea what we're doing, but enjoy spending tax payer's money doing it, we are here to protect our national vital interest in frogs.  Perhaps you didn't know, if you didn't watch Jurassic Park (it's a movie, you bonehead), that certain species of frogs can change their gender in a single-sex environment.

F**king yowza.  And thus, WE CONTROL THOSE FROGS.

You have been investigated because we have been notified that you are the beneficiary of a delivery of said frogs, and that is why you are in touch with the CIA for a solid proof before the frogs will be released to you.

We also have in our file here that your mental and physical health are suspect due to dubious antecedence and odious bodily odors.  We don't know what enough of that means to be beyond a basic "WTF?", so in order to cut through the usual government bureaucratic chutzpah, we are issuing you a  CLEAN BILL CERTIFICATE and FREE FROGS FOR CITIZEN CERTIFICATE, which will enable you to receive your frogs without undue azerbijanian influence or abject anal spasms, which we have been reliably informed, suck.

It has come to the attention of our Frog Trafficking Investigation Department that you have some frogs valued at U.S $8.99 (Eight Dollars and 99 Cents) to your name, and this delivery of more will quadraoctoplex that number in your possession.  Proceeding therefrom, the said delivery is awaiting adjudication and fiscal chicanerous crediting with the adherence to Inheritance ‘willed ‘ from Central Bank of Nigeria.  Precisely WTF a Nigerian bank has to do with frogs is precisely what we're trying to figure out.

 

With full concern of the CIA and the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), we wish to remind you of the consequences of receiving potentially pervertable frogs without complying fully with the provisions of the Federal Endangered Feces Act as amended in sub-section C (6) of 2003 Congressional Bloviation And Rectal Purging Act, which stipulates that any amphibian transaction being done with or herein the United States of America must have proper records, which includes transfers of ownership, lords a leaping, Kermit patents unviolated, Miss Piggys uncopywrote, duly guarantees and covers that all written herein is subject to an English teacher who won't simply put an "A" on it and then go home and drink themselves into a decomposition stupor.  This is due to ongoing literary terrorist activities/economic crimes on and against the United States of America and its citizens and also other countries of the World.

 

Note that with the information we have here, this whole f**king matter originates from the Federal Republic of Nigeria.  'Nuff said.

 

You have just 48 hours to produce legal proof of all the sh** we laid down above, coded AZQV111. You do not have any rights to receive these frogs if the documented legal wire information is not complete.

 

For your own good and benefit, you are advised not to attach your genitals to any electrical device that is plugged in, especially with the power invested on us by the United States Government, being impersonated by the Federal Nigerian government.  You are hereby warned and instructed to terminate your reading too closely of this document if you start to understand it.

 

We have your address and the evidence that you once violated creamed corn, so we can arrest you anytime anywhere.

 

Contact our contact below via Western Onion, the only way to ship onions, so that we may know you are not serious and are thereby deemed a hazard to sterilized wombats:  

RECEIVERS NAME: DONALD ALVARO
ADDRESS: 23 BURMA ROAD, OKOTA, LAGOS, NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION: WTF?
TEXT ANSWER: BEATS THE F**K OUT OF ME
AMOUNT: 85 FROGS IN AMPHIBIANIZED PACKAGING

 

NOTE: We have asked for the above document to make available the most complete and up-to date records possible for no criminal justice purposes.  If you understood that, please explain it to us, because truth be told, we are sandpoundingly stupid.

 

WARNING: failure to produce the above requirement in the next 48 hours because we have actual guarantee the agency that you will get the document by today, legal action will be taken immediately by arresting and detaining you.You shall be tried and if found guilty, you will be jailed with twin bubbas from Arkansas who are tired of doing each other, and will be happy for a new butt to sodomize.  The CIA will not stop at any length in tracking down and adding further such bubbas to your holding cell.  We're just

sayin'...

Sincerely...really...HONEST,
AGENT JASON BOOBFACE
CIA VERY SPECIAL AGENT for one day in 2010; now I clean toilets at Langley AFB's commissary.

The only response I've drawn thus far is an email reply that was blank.  Perhaps the scammer was too busy googling researching sex-changing frogs.  Or really was pissed, because he learned that there really isn't a Paris Hilton Crotch Watchers club for him to join.

Either way...welcome to 2013.  New year, same sandpoundingly stupid scammers.