Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Loan Shahk

Online loan companies aren't a dime a dozen; they cost more than that.

But the vast majority of them ain't worth the dime.

I received the following 'quick' loan offer from a company that I'm sure you'll recognize as being 'quick' with the offer, and even quicker with the scam:

Do you need an urgent loan?
Phone number:

The email was sent by "Kruse Services" with an email of krusefastloans@gmail.com.

Of course, when you receive one of these in an unsolicited email that is addressed to you as "undisclosed recipients", you're all over jumping right on it, aren't you?

You are if you're the kind of mugu they're counting on you to be.

Well...I revamped their rather concise loan offer email a bit in order to give it some pizzazz.  For instance:

From: Kruse Services krusefastloans@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, December 11, 2012 12:10 PM
Subject: Yowza
Do you need an urgent loan?  Don't we all?  Well here at Kruse Fast Loans, we don't loan money.  Hell, anyone can do that.  No, here at Kruse Fast Loans, we loan things that are unique, unusual, and not so much thought of as loanable. 
For instance, have you ever had need of borrowing a fruitcake, so that no one will get you one during the holidays, because you're still working off the one that's been handed down from generation to generation, back to the time of Nero?  We can loan you that fruitcake.
Need a platypus testicle for a scavenger hunt?  A piranha genital that eats whatever it gets near?  A laminated and handsomely mounted 65 million year old dropping from a pterydactyl?  A stuffed turkey that can do the macarena?  A telephone that farts as its ring tone?  An African gray parrot that curses in 180 languages and answers phones?  An authentic replica of Hugo Chavez' prostate (which strangely resembles Danny Glover)?  An authentic Japanese kamikaze parachute, never opened? 
No request is too peculiar here at Kruse Fast Loans.  Just try us:
What You Want To Borrow:
Why You Want Borrow It:
For How Long:
In 100 Words Or Less, Tell Us How You Plan To Use it:
*Note:  If Your Use Is Adjudged To Be 'Kinky', You May Have 5000 Additional Words To Explain It In Very Great Detail:
Phone number:
Email us at  krusefastloans@gmail.com  and we'll get back to you soonerest!

I don't know how many of the 100 or so scammers I copied on the email responded to the offer, but the email originator didn't seem to appreciate my efforts on his behalf:

i dont apprecate this 

Oh I don't know...I rather thought I helped your loan appreciation with some colorful oomph to your presentation.  It pretty well sucked, you know?

At any rate, his depreciation of my improvement to his email offer resulted in no further communications from Kruse Services.

And I so wanted to see about borrowing a piranha genital, to see if it would eat the leftovers marauding in my 'fridge... 

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Blogger Sandee said...

I think I got one of these too, but I just delete them.

They write so very poorly don't they. Can't spell, and they don't use any punctuation.

Have a terrific day. :)

29 January, 2013 09:59  
Blogger Sandee said...

Seymour is now pissed at me because I didn't send his regards. I just can't keep that rock happy.

Have a terrific day. :)

29 January, 2013 10:01  
Blogger Right Truth said...

Fruitcake? ha I think fruitcake gets a bad rap, I like a good fruity fruitcake.

I must be weird.

Right Truth

29 January, 2013 15:19  

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