|NOTICE OF PENDING LACK OF CLASS ACTION AND NOTICE OF PROPOSED UNSETTLEMENT THEREBY|
|EPONIMOUS LIPSHIZ & PETROCK ET AL V. FACEPLANT, UNINC.|
|You are receiving this e-mail because you may have been scanned by a broccoli douche nozzle featured in a "Spitoon Competition" on Faceplant prior to December 3, 2012.|
|A federal court authorized this Notice. Which one is not named in order to protect their congressional subsidy of nose hair redactors under the Fraud of Hellthscare Act. |
|Why did I get this notice? Somebody had to. |
|What is the Action about? The Action claims that Faceplant attempted to imprint cyber genital warts in animal screen savers of Faceplant users, without their consent or knowledge, in order to determine if there was any money to be made thereby, wherein it was already knowd that this technique was already outlawed where muscle hamsters on steroids had broken the Rubix Cube code back in 1996. Faceplant denies any possession of demonic goat butt parts whatsoever. No court or other entity has made any sense of any of this whatsoever.|
|What is a Spitoon Competition? Spitoon Competitions are gross, disgusting, and more fitting to the 19th Century frontier West. Spitoon Competitions may have never actually happened on Faceplant, but may have been represented to have done so as a form of asshat advertising that typically contains posts which appeared Faceplant about or from a Faceplant user or entity or individual's Faceplant page. Spitoon Competitions typically include a display of a Faceplant user's Faceplant name (i.e., the name the user has associated with his or her Faceplant account) and/or profile picture (if the user has uploaded one) with a statement describing the user's interaction with the Faceplant service, such as "Seymour PetRock likes Things That Go PHFFFFT," "Seymour PetRock played Hide The Winkee At CarbonSpeedDating," or "Seymour PetRock shared a link with a Azerbijani Douche Nozzle from NYC."|
What relief does the Settlement provide? Faceplant will pay a token into a fund that can be used, in part, to pay for petrocks on Faceplant to buy prostitutes. Each participating Class Member who submits a valid and timely claim form may be eligible to receive up to $10. The amount, if any, paid to each claimant depends upon the number of claims made and other factors detailed in the Settlement, such as how much tax will be owed to the Unafforable Hellthscare Act, though we are reliably informed it will be at rates up to and beyond 100%. No one knows in advance how much each claimant will be taxed, or whether any money will be paid directly to claimants, instead going directly to the IRS.
|In addition to monetary relief, Faceplant will (a) get their pee pee spanked by a monkey (b) create an easily accessible mechanism that enables users to douche their elected officials in the face with camel pee (c) develop settings that will allow users to play any popular rap song in flatulence on America's Got Talent (d) revise its SRR to confirm that constipated mathematicians CAN work it out with a pencil (e) provide parents and legal guardians with additional information about how they, too, can learn to fart popular rap songs and (f) add a control in minor users' profiles that enables each minor user to explain in 100 words or less why Honey Boo Boo is the biggest f**king joke the world has ever seen since AlGore had a sex change to become Nancy Pelosi. |
|YOUR RIGHTS, OPTIONS AND WTFs IN THIS SETTLEMENT|
|SUBMIT A CLAM FORM||This is the only way to be eligible to help shape how clams are made.||Deadline: May 2, 2013|
|EXCLUDE YOURSELF||This is the only option that allows you to retain the ability to file your own design for clams.||Deadline: May 2, 2013|
|OBJECT||Write to the Court about why you object to farting rap music and think clams are fine as they are.||Deadline: May 2, 2013|
|GO TO THE "FARTING RAP MUSIC FAIRNESS HEARING"|
The Court will hold a "Farting Rap Music Fairness Hearing" to consider how clams are currently made, and WTF any attorney deserves a dime for any of this sh** for.
You may, but are not required to, speak at the Farting Rap Music Fairness Hearing about any clam design or non-design you filed. If you intend to speak, you must follow the procedures stated on the South Park "Cartman Explanation of Rainbows" website to notify the Court and parties of your intent.
|Hearing Date: June 28, 2013 at 10:00 a.m.|
|DO NOTHING||You will not receive one f**king thing, you lazy sack of sh**.||No deadline|
|Your Lack of Class Member Number: 6********|
|More information? For more information...WTF do you need MORE INFORMATION for??? You horses hangdown jackwagon, we already told you all the shit you need here!!! But if you insist, you can write to a Mongolian restauranteur named Moogoo, and he'll know less than you thought you did before you read this.|