When Is 'Final' Final?

When it comes to scammers, 'final' is infinitely NOT the last word on anything.

I just finished posting a 'final warning' email I got from the FBI -- and edited as a 'frog warning' -- that left the emailers speechless in an email reply to what I done.

The speechlessness lasted until Day 2 of the New Year.

They -- the "FBI" -- sent me yet another strongly-worded 'final warning' email, one promising that I'd be arrested, have all my possessions seized, lose my job, and all sorts of other deplorable results, if I didn't follow their instructions to get my share of $10.5 million USD.

Really?

Really.  NOT.

All I had to do to avoid this 'fiscal/judicial cliff' was to wire $98 USD to some character of dubious antecedence in Nigeria.

Well, y'all know me.  I never learn sh**.

So I did a little editing, and sent this latest version of 'last warning' back to the 'FBI':

Subject: LAST WARNING !!!!

Anti-Em and Flying Monkey Crimes Division
PCH Headquarters In Lagos  Nigeria
Federal Ministry Of Flying Broom Regulators
J. Mugu Ungabungabunga Building
935 Abacha Soludo Bello Umannagoofay, NW Lagos Outhouse District, Nigeria

Attention:

This is the final warning you will receive from me. This notice has been sent to you in many occasions/ several times but you ignored it.

I have warned you so many times and you decided to ignore my e-mails because you believe we have not been instructed to get you arrested, if you fail to stop believing that following a strawman, a talking tin pot, and a stuffed animal can indemnify to hold you harmless from the effects of falling houses on evil sisters in lands where everyone is short unless they are a tree, witch or a fraudulent wizard with a degree in proctology from some mythical land called Kansas.

 

What kinda drugs you been on?

Anyway, back to my rant:  if you do NOT do EXACTLY what we say, well...first we send a letter to the MAYOR of the city where you reside.  THEN we tell him to stop your trash pick up and make your toilet stop flushing.  THEN we tell all your friends you violate pillows.  THEN we post your picture on chatroom bulletin boards for persons with psoriasis of their genitals.  THEN we post pictures of you all over airports, train stations, shopping malls and on every jungle tree we can, showing you having unspeakable things done to you by a llama. 

Are you getting the general idea here?

Note that all your properties -- including your collection of Alvin and the Chipmunks 33 rpm albums -- will be confiscated by the Nigerian Federal Bureau of Mugus-Can't-Have-Shit-Cuz-They're-Mugus.

We would also send a letter to every company/organization you might have ever work for so that they could get you fired and banned for life from ever passing gas in an elevator again. 

Is this making it clear to you now, how serious we is?

Your ID which we have in our database have been sent to all the crimes agencies in America -- including Congress, the WH and Chicago, where all the criminals are -- for them to run your name and make all sorts of fun of you on pmsnbc, as an internet fraudsters and a violator of canned peaches. Also to warn people from having any dealings or friendly communication with you, neener neener boo on you!

 

This would have been solved all this while if you had gotten the CERTIFICATE OF MUGU TATTOO ON YOUR BARE BUTT, ENDORSED AND STAMPED as you were instructed in the e-mail we send many times in Azerbijani. I, GODWIN MILLER III, Director of the Nigerian Federal Bureau of Mugu Doofus, wish to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given enough amazing grace how sweet the sound, therefore you have been mandated to start farting off-key and completely out of sync with any choreographed fart company you heretofore travelled with in vaudeville-esque road shows.  That's another career we'll f**k up for you, douche nozzle.

Comply immediately you read this e-mail if you don't want to be arrested and have your whole life turned into a daytime soap crisis that gets worse than any episode of South Park. 

Oh, I forget...we'll take all your Slim Whitman albums, too.

 

In the words of a good Christian and a Honest man, I have no idea, because I am neither, but that isn't impotent now.  A neutered duck might be, but I digress.

Note: All the crimes agencies have been contacted on this regards and we shall trace and arrest you if you disregard this instruction.  This is absolutely positively your LAST CHANCE, douche nozzle.  You cannot run or hide from our satellite (actually, a gibbon that's been detailed to shadow your every bowel movement, and he's getting mightily sick of it and getting grumpy.  You do NOT want a pissed gibbon coming after you, along with us).  Failure to get this done will attract a maximum arrest and finally we shall apply for litigation against you, along with sexually violate every kitchen appliance and piece of furniture you own.

 

Meanwhile, I have put up with your inattentive ass for as long as I'm going to.  Contact the asshat below and let's get this sh** done, because the Super Bowl is coming up and I want to watch the San Francisco 49ers LOSE to Denver.  Send the payment details to me as stated below.

NAME: JOHN "MUGU DORK" UDEH
ADDRESS: LAGOS, NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION: WHOSE YOUR DADDY
ANSWER: HUBBA HUBBA, A LLAMA
AMOUNT: $98
SENDER'S FULL NAME:
SENDER'S FULL ADDRESS:
DIRECT PHONE NUMBER:
MTCN:

Do not hesitate to make the payment today with the above outlined information so that they will have the money to pay off the local witch doctor, otherwise he's gonna shrink their genitals to the size that only work with army ants.  And as we know here, NO ONE wants to have sex with army ants.  They bite.

 

Expecting your anticipated- Co-operation, because I get tired of having to think up sh** to write here.
Godwin Miller, goat sodomist expert for FBI, Nigeria

Usually, I'd consider silence from the FBI -- after replying to them in such a manure -- ominous.

But I'm sure in this case, they're still struggling to get past what I did to their original heading...