When Is 'Final' Final?
I just finished posting a 'final warning' email I got from the FBI -- and edited as a 'frog warning' -- that left the emailers speechless in an email reply to what I done.
The speechlessness lasted until Day 2 of the New Year.
They -- the "FBI" -- sent me yet another strongly-worded 'final warning' email, one promising that I'd be arrested, have all my possessions seized, lose my job, and all sorts of other deplorable results, if I didn't follow their instructions to get my share of $10.5 million USD.
All I had to do to avoid this 'fiscal/judicial cliff' was to wire $98 USD to some character of dubious antecedence in Nigeria.
Well, y'all know me. I never learn sh**.
So I did a little editing, and sent this latest version of 'last warning' back to the 'FBI':
Subject: LAST WARNING !!!!
Anti-Em and Flying Monkey Crimes Division
PCH Headquarters In Lagos Nigeria
Federal Ministry Of Flying Broom Regulators
J. Mugu Ungabungabunga Building
935 Abacha Soludo Bello Umannagoofay, NW Lagos Outhouse District, Nigeria
This is the final warning you will receive from me. This notice has been sent to you in many occasions/ several times but you ignored it.
I have warned you so many times and you decided to ignore my e-mails because you believe we have not been instructed to get you arrested, if you fail to stop believing that following a strawman, a talking tin pot, and a stuffed animal can indemnify to hold you harmless from the effects of falling houses on evil sisters in lands where everyone is short unless they are a tree, witch or a fraudulent wizard with a degree in proctology from some mythical land called Kansas.
Your ID which we have in our database have been sent to all the crimes agencies in America -- including Congress, the WH and Chicago, where all the criminals are -- for them to run your name and make all sorts of fun of you on pmsnbc, as an internet fraudsters and a violator of canned peaches. Also to warn people from having any dealings or friendly communication with you, neener neener boo on you!
Oh, I forget...we'll take all your Slim Whitman albums, too.
Note: All the crimes agencies have been contacted on this regards and we shall trace and arrest you if you disregard this instruction. This is absolutely positively your LAST CHANCE, douche nozzle. You cannot run or hide from our satellite (actually, a gibbon that's been detailed to shadow your every bowel movement, and he's getting mightily sick of it and getting grumpy. You do NOT want a pissed gibbon coming after you, along with us). Failure to get this done will attract a maximum arrest and finally we shall apply for litigation against you, along with sexually violate every kitchen appliance and piece of furniture you own.
NAME: JOHN "MUGU DORK" UDEH
ADDRESS: LAGOS, NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION: WHOSE YOUR DADDY
ANSWER: HUBBA HUBBA, A LLAMA
SENDER'S FULL NAME:
SENDER'S FULL ADDRESS:
DIRECT PHONE NUMBER:
Do not hesitate to make the payment today with the above outlined information so that they will have the money to pay off the local witch doctor, otherwise he's gonna shrink their genitals to the size that only work with army ants. And as we know here, NO ONE wants to have sex with army ants. They bite.
Godwin Miller, goat sodomist expert for FBI, Nigeria
Usually, I'd consider silence from the FBI -- after replying to them in such a manure -- ominous.
But I'm sure in this case, they're still struggling to get past what I did to their original heading...