Nothing Sacred?

Apparently not.

An online sports publication recently reported that the kicker for the Atlanta Falcons, Matt Ryan, got robbed when he ordered chinese food.

Dang. I do this all the time. The latter, not the former. More on that in a mo'.

Once you read the story, you find that it wasn't so much a robbery -- no at-gun-point-thingee -- as it was a stupid NFL kicker, and a stupider chinese delivery driver of dubious antecedence and worse ethical fiber.

Seems that Ryan left his garage door open, and therein -- apparently in plain view -- was a pricey golf bag with about $3,000 worth of golf clubs in it. Which the delivery driver hepped hisself to, BEFORE delivering the chinese food. 'Twas more a burglary, aided and abetted by a stupid homeowner.

Bastard driver probably got overtipped, too.

Anyway, the numbnuts delivery driver got caught when he tried to sell off the pricey and apparently name-brand clubs (a brand I and my brand of game never heard of) online, in exchange for 80 ecstacy pills.

There be no ecstacy in that foreplay...*ducking boos and throwd chinese delivery menus*.

At any rate, I was relieved to read the details of the matter; after all (a) I order delivery chinese and (b) I have a set of golf clubs. Granted, I don't have a garage to leave them in to *bait* a delivery driver into a life of crime. What's more, I'd hate to have to meet my deliverer with money and a shotgun everytime.

That might degrade the quality of my fried crab cheese wontons.

But even if I had a garage to leave my golf clubs in, I don't reckon they'd get up and walk on their own. Even with help.

For starters, the golf bag is probably a $9.95 Wal-mart special. I don't know, 'cuz it came with most of the clubs, which I bought second hand some 15 years back. And I guarantee you..while I didn't pay that much for them, I paid too much.

They're defective.

Oh yes...defective. I know this to be true. See, I have used them a few times. I have seen how they operate.

Deee-fective.

And the four clubs I've added to them were apparently just as defective. Even though I bought three of them on sale at Target, and was given the other one -- a putter. I wuz given the putter 'cuz the original putter that came with them was...you got it...deeefective.

And no, it has practically nothing to do with user error.

The last time my clubs saw the golf light of day was in 2005. Since then, my pet rock, Seymour, has only used the putter to try to fend off marauding food leftovers that have left the bounds of natural science, and set out on their own, seeking compost zombies to mate with.

My shotgun's more effective in dealing with those, too.

Anyway, if any chinese delivery driver wants to 'rob' me of my $9.95 golf bag full of Wilson, Northwestern, Dunlop, Spaulding and one club that's something Anemic clubs, just figure out which restaurant I use, and wait for me to call again. I promise I won't shoot you for demanding my golf clubs.

But I might if you don't take them AND still expect a tip...

Loan, Loan Is Deranged...

Oh give me a loan,

where the defaults don't roam,

and the deer and the antelope pay 3%...

where seldom is heard

a "you're denied" word,

and the fiscal sky's clear the whole day...

No, I didn't find this in Wyoming, despite what the picture suggests.

BUT, I did get this online loan offer from Victory World Outreach Loans, located in...*drum roll*...Nigeria:

This is an offer from Victory World Outreach Loans contact us for any kind of loan offered at 3.7 interest rate with or without collateral. All interested clients should send an application to this email address (victoryoutreachloans@googlemail.com) and this info is needed from you (your name, address, country, direct phone, marital status, sex, loan amount needed, duration, date of birth and how you heard about them). Once we receive this above short farm filled from you. Your loan process will state immediate. Thanks as we wait your Swift respond to our offer.

Warmest regard,

Mr. Dan Miller Advert Manager

After a period of months of rewriting such emails, I decided to play this one instead, and responded thus:

Dude...like oh wow, you is da bomb! I am, like, so totally in for this, dude! Awesome! Like, my information is writ where you said to!

I used my scambaiting persona of Jack N. Ewehoff and related nonsense information, and requested a $250k loan for a period of 15 years.

Next day, I received this:

Attn: Jack N. Ewehoff

I am Mr. Victory, the loan department director for Victory World Outreach Loans. I have reviewed your loan informations provided on the application form and found you worthy of the loan you seek (even though under 'sex' I answered, "as often as I can"). Please to study the below terms properly and get back to me with the required informations needed to further your loan tranaction. Please respond in the next 24 hours to avoid termination of your loan (more on that in a mo').

The terms were laid out over a page and a half of meant-to-sound-official legal loanese. The essence of which was that I was now legally bound to, upon receipt of the loan, to repay it in 180 payments of $1726.45 for a $250k loan. I would be required to provide a passport photograph or "any form" of ID, and I would be required to pay "handling and process fees" to be "discuss later". And I would be held "legal liable" for all terms and conditions of the loan.

Fine. I waited two days -- that's 24 hours x 2 -- and responded thus:

Awesome, Mr. Vic Tree! I am so totally in on your terms and conditions! Lay one bad loan check on me, dude! Yowza!

As expected, it didn't dampen my chances at getting the business from Victory World Outreach Loans, as I received this:

Mr. Jack N. Ewehoff, we receive your email agreement to our term repayment plans. Be well informed that the loan render by VWOL carries an insurance seal. These loans are insure for gaurantee on delivery the loan protected by a hard cover insurance seal which stated that the loan amount must not be touched until it reaches the borrower to gaurantee safety on delivery. Seal charges are here (and it listed Verification fees, Administrative fees, processing fees, and Stamp/legal fees that totalled $1,280). They then gave me to option of paying these fees by bank-to-bank transfer or by money order, and instructions on how to do each.

It was now time to play:

Awesome, dude. Like, go ahead and include the fees into my loan amount, and like let's handle it that way. As for the seal, dude, like please include instructions for care, feeding, and such. I never owned a seal before. Can it like bark, slap its flippers and catch fish and sh**? That is so kewl.

They ignored that part, and repeated this in reply:

Be well informed that the loan render by VWOL carries an insurance seal. These loans are insured for gaurantee on delivery and protect by hard cover insurance Seal which stated that the loan amount must not be touched until it reaches the borrower.

I stick with my interpretation:

Hey, I'm kewl with the seal and all that sh**. As for the fees, like I said, so totally include them in the loan total. I mean, you yourself said you're gonna make over $60k during the life of the loan on the interest, dude. Make a few cents extra by including it in the loan itself, and we are so ready to rock and roll!

I give them credit for patience:

You have to understand this fee can not be added or remove from the loan...I will need you to reread my previous email to you.

Let's go for reciprocity:

Oh wow, dude. It's so totally like hey, I do understand this fee thing. But like I before said in my reply, you need to reread my previous email reply to you, dude. There's a good lad.

They appear to ignore my suggestion of reciprocity, but they do try another gambit:

it appears that you do not understand. However we are willing to work with you and reduce the necessary fees to $500. Please to reread our terms email on how you render this payment to us for your loan. Thanks.

Ain't that nice? Should I meet them halfway? I think not:

Awww, that's awfully nice of y'all to discount my fees like that. Go ahead and include them in the loan. You're, like, so totally kewl for doing that. Really.

you seem not to understand how this work. You must pay the fees before we can send the loan. This is the insurance seal we explain to you. Please do so at once.

Huh? First you're sending me a seal, then you're not? Dang, dudes. But that's okay. Just include the reduced fees in my loan check, and send it along. I gots sh** to take care of, dude.

The seal is an insurance seal. not a live seal. Please again read the instructions we send you to make the fee payment. time is not on your side.

Dude, okay, so I totally get that you're not sending me a live seal. That's kewl, 'cuz the only place I could keep it is in my bathtub, and I gotta use that once a month mahself. Just go ahead and put the fees into my loan, and you'll get your fees over the life of the loan. In fact, I will agree to increase my first payment by the amount of the fees, after I totally have the loan in the bank and sh**t. And time IS on my side, 'cuz I wear a pocket watch, my man, 'cept once a month when I get cleaned up.

I finally got 'em riled:

either you are stuped or you are not serious with us. you agree to our terms so pay the fee now or you will not get loan from us. do this u understand now dude?

Wahl now, dude, ya dun made the gopher sh** snake excrement. You callin' me 'stuped'?

are u want to do business or not if you want then pay fees now. If not then stop email us we are busy to waste more time on u.

Wow...just f**king wow, dude. First you wanna loan me money and give me a pet seal, then you take back the pet seal, then you insult me, and now you don't want to give me the business.

what is pet seal sh**? u want to get loan or not?

Dude, I never agreed to have you loan me a pet seal! WTF???

stop writing to us we are to busy for game

Ain't a seal considered 'game' in some venues, dude?

f*** u

Wow, dude. You trying to loan me a violated seal that you poked, and now you propositioning me? Waaaay too rad, dude. You're one sick seal sodomizer. No fee for you.

Don't look now, but I think I'm out of "getting the business".

Loan, loan, unarranged....

Yer Loanin' Wha...?

Some of the shortest scam emails I've ever received concern online loan offers at "too good to be true" APRs and terms that Barney Fwank would love to force upon every lending institution in the US.
This one was no different:
Apply now & get your personal or bisness loan at @ 3% ARP. Apply Now for Intant Approval Contact lopezkristen62@yahoo.com.au for more info
-------------------------------------------
CONFIDENTALITY NOTE: This email and any files transmitted with are confidental and intend soley for the use of the individal or entity to which they are address. If you are not intended, you may not review, copy or distribut this message. If you have receved this email in error please notify the sender immediate and delete them. Neither the sender not the company for which he or she works accept liabilty for any damage cause by any virus transmit by this email.
The sender -- allegedly identified as Kristen Lopez -- apparently runs a pretty low-overhead operation, bereft of spell check (like I run a low-overhead operation bereft of punctuation check).
So, having time on my hands and email mayhem in my heart, I hepped her (and a few of her compatriots) out:
Hi! Remember me? Of course you don't. But by the end of this email, you will.
I used to be just like you. Scrimping by, budgeting and scratching for every penny to pay my bills. Then this totally entremaneurial idea came to me while I was orally servicing a client, and *POOF*, within months I am living life like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman!
And YOU CAN TOO!
But first: my business is vaginal loans. I loan out my vag when I'm not using it, at a 10% commission plus interest compounded interruptus at 3% APR*. The higher you set your sights for the use of my vag, the better return on our money! A night at the top end ho'tels in Washington, DC, is easily good for $1k an hour, plus! Especially when Congress is in session!
Do you catch my crotch crickets here?
Apply now & get your personal or business vag at 3% APR*. Apply Now for Instant Approval! Contact lopezkristen62@yahoo.com.au for more info. I have a yeast infection so I can't use my vag right now; no reason I shouldn't loan it out for a tidy profit!
* Adjustable Penile Rate
__________________________________
CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of any ignorant dumbass who happens upon them, and is door-knob stupid enough to take it on face-vaginal value. If you are not the intended recipient, I don't care...read it and go ahead with it, 'cuz I need someone to fall for this sh**, and if that someone is you, woohoo *score*. If you have received this email in error, please adjust your email settings so you receive this message any time I re-send it. Neither the sender nor the company for which he or she works gives a platypus f**k about any liability for any damage caused by any virus transmitted by the sender's "worn like a four lane highway in LA" vagina.
I am sure that she'll not have time to thank me, what with the deluge of email this rewrite will net her, especially from the 20 some odd peers of hers it went to...

From An IRS *Branch Office*?

The IRS has a *branch office* in Benin? Who knew?

That might make some kind of obfuscational sense, when the following is read without that first cup of morning caffeine:

Federal Inland Revenue Service wishes to inform you that your fund that was on hold is return to our office for final confiscation. Note, the total $1,800,000 USD is in ATM Card but was sent to us for confiscation. We therefore wish to know if you still want to receive the ATM Card of $1.8M USD or not. If you still wish to receive the fund kindly provide us with the information below.

Your Full Name

Telephone

Sex

Age

Country

Address To Deliver ATM Card To

Get back to us immediate to receive you ATM Card within 48 hours.

Dr. Amy Okah

+229 99 488 370

un.ofbenin00@gmail.com

Gee...MY local, regional, and national IRS NEVER did this for me.

What to do, what to do....*TOING*:

Federal Repugnant of Benin's Inland Revenue Service wishes to inform you that your sinus passage fungus that was on hold is return to our office for final confiscation. Please note that we are really NOT interested in confiscating your f***ing infected boogers.

Unless you want our ill-uniformed, ill-trained, ill-mannered agents to come audit your sock drawer, get off your fat capitalist ass THIS VERY MINUTE, put down the TV remote and bowl of Cheese Nips, and provide us with the following personal information at once.

Your Full Name

Telephone

Last Time You Had Sex With A Runny-Nosed Primate

Age

Country

Address You Want Your Infected Boogers Delivered To

Get back to us immediately or our aforementioned agents will arrive to place 1.8 million carnivorous crotch crickets in your sock drawer. We are the Federal Repugnant of Benin's IRS; yes, we can and will do this. We have carnivorous crotch crickets in herd abundance here.

Don't bait us; do as you're bade. NOW. That means right NOW. Not f***ing "when you get around to it"...NOW. THIS INSTANT. TODAY, ASSHOLE, TODAY! Don't piss me off; I have PMS and a breeding ground for carnivorous crotch crickets in my vagina, and I am not afraid to stampede them!

Dr. Amy Okah

+229 99 488 370

un.ofbenin00@gmail.com

And no, I'm not worried about an 'audit team' showing up. I have a can of Raid.

Damned Right I Am

u are insensative asshole.

More on that in a moment.

One of my recent emails was another of those 'supposed to tug at the heart strings to open up the wallet strings' kind, from someone claiming to be a Mrs. Joan Pitchell. Here's a piece of her schtick (along with the picture she sent me):

My name is Mrs. Joan Pitchell, I am married to Lt. Colonel Harold Pitchell, A retired Lt. colonel who is dead. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 9 million GBP (Great British Pounds) which were derived from his vast estates with a security company in Malaysia. After some more drivel, she gets to the 'rat killing': My Doctor told me that I have limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffer from. I have decided to donate this fund to you for orphans, destitute, the down-trodden, childrun, and persons who prove to be genuine handicap financially.

She ends this drivel with I would prefer you contact me on my most private and confidential address, since I send this only to you (bullsh**...it was addressed to 'undisclosed recipients').

Her most private and confidential email address is joanpitchell@hotmail.com. Oh...I guess I wasn't supposed to do that, huh? Any more than I should say that the photo she attached to the email is the same one I've received from almost a dozen other scammers who're using the same ploy.

For you regular readers, you can guess what I dun with this. For you new ones, here's what I dun, shared with the originator and 25 plus of her peers:

Dear Befuddled,

I seek your indulgence to solicit for your assistance concerning the content of my mail. My name is Mrs. Joan Pitchell, and I have a giant porcupine that is mysteriously growing out of my vagina. The doctors are astonished, and totally unable to explain this abnormality. Surgically, they can do nothing for me, other than apply treatments of Quill-Away to my vag, to help with the dozens of perforations I get there when I try to walk.

And have sex? Since this happened, the only men I can get near me are hyenas who think I'm in heat, and then they'll only hump my f***ing leg. It's degrading, I tell you.

I need someone...ANYONE...to come up with a cure. If you have one, and it works, I will give you the sum of 9 Million GBP (Great British Pounds) which I stole from a rodent inseminator I was having an illicit affair with some months ago.

NB: I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task is accomplished, as I don't want anything that will bring unwanted attention to my condition, or why I have to walk in such a peculiar way, to avoid puncturing my asshole to the point -- see what I just did there? -- that I sh** in 200 different directions at once.

I would prefer you contact me on my most private and confidential email address (which I was happy to share with her 25 plus peers, as I was with you readers).

Thanks and hurry the f**k up, this gawddamned vaginal porcupine f***ing hurts,

Dr. Mrs. Joan Pitchell

Now to the 'more on that in a moment': I opened this post with the terse response I got from the alleged Dr. Mrs. Joan Pitchell, a day after dispatching this rewrite to her and her assorted peers.

As no surprise to you regular readers, I was quick to agree with her: Yes, Ma'am, you're right. And I have a sh**storm more of insensitivity for you, if you like.

So far, she hasn't shown any inclination for more of the same. I think she got the point *ducking boos and throwd empty jars of Quill-Away*...

A Tort Named Sue

With everything going on in the world, it's good to know that stupid people can still hire stupid lawyers and file stupid lawsuits.

From a recent Yahoo News posting came the story of an investment banker who is suing the White Castle restaurant chain because he can't fit his 290 pound ass into a booth in his local facility.

This fits -- see what I just did there? -- along with people who call 911 because their local McDonalds ran out of Chicken McNuggets when they wanted some.

Stories like this tend to make you think the world has gone McNuts. But truth be told, a segment of the world has always been so.

Some other lawsuit whoppers I've heard of down the years:

- a former NBA cheerleader and MENSA non-candidate sued a mom-pop grocery store, after she bought a container of contraceptive jelly there, and then had sex and got pregnant. The rest of that story: she sued the store because (a) the product was too close to the food section (b) she didn't read the directions for use of the product because she was sexually aroused at the time and "who has time to read the directions at a time like that?" and (c) she made toast and put the jelly on that, consuming it before having sex. *BUZZZZZZZZER*

I can see how this would cause the mom and pop grocery to have liability: they should have anticipated stupid customers like a former NBA cheerleader, and posted a gimongus sign over the product that said "THIS CONTRACEPTIVE JELLY SHOULD NOT BE PUT ON TOAST AND EATEN BEFORE HAVING SEX, SINCE BEING SEXUALLY AROUSED NEGATES TAKING THE TIME TO READ THE DIRECTIONS FOR USE ON THE PRODUCT".

- a man sued a Califorlornia marina because as he was proposing to his girlfriend there, a pelican flew over and crapped on him. Despite the fact that this was coastal Califorlornia, and pelicans are in ample abundance there, the man asserted that the marina should have posted warning signs about flying pelicans and rogue bathroom habits of same. *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Yeah, the marina probably should have posted a sign that warned of fowl bathroom habits by local aquatic birds. Nature isn't second nature to the dim-of-mind, and anyone working in and living in one of the nannyist of nanny states should have anticipated something like this....*gag*

- in Virginia, some real bright CFC bulb sued himself, claiming he'd violated his own civil rights and religious beliefs by getting drunk and winding up in jail. *BUZZZZZZZZZZZER*

I never figured out how he was going to seek redress from the court on this one...seek compensatory and punitive damages from himself?

- a woman sued a Hollyweird movie studio because their haunted house that she voluntarily went to see was "too scary".

You stupid Hollyweird movie studios. You should KNOW how scary you are, and have a 10 page waiver in legalese, granting you indemnification from being held harmless, if someone stupid enough to enter your house of horrors and not expect to get scared, gets scared.

- a rapist sued a hospital for failing to prevent him from raping a patient in the hospital. *BUZZZZZZZZZER*

Yeah, personal responsibility and accountability has no place in civil society today.

- a guy sued a famous basketball player AND a famous sports shoe maker because he resembled the basketball player. He claimed having people mistake him for the famous basketball player caused him "defamation, permanent injury, mental pain and suffering". *BUZZZZZZZZER*

Does that mean that I can sue the bad movie director who stole my name, and made the abomination of a movie Pearl Harbor? I mean, I get asked about that movie, and even had three phone messages from some dingbat in Ohio, who wanted me to cast her and her daughter in my next movie. I should have felt such mental anguish, defamation and personal injury over that.

Perhaps I'd get around to it, if it didn't make me laugh. *DOH*..I guess I should sue myself for violating my civil right to be offended by finding humor in the absurd, and not seek a legal remedy instead!

Or might my pet rock, Seymour, seek a stupid lawyer to represent him agin' me for having used him at one time as a door stop?

Since a lawyer once tried to represent the rights of sand in an ecological lawsuit, I reckon I shouldn't laugh too loud about that notion...*slowly losing the battle not to laugh h'yar*

Subscribe This

Online contest scams. In some respects, not a great deal different from offline contest scams.

I never did hear how this one played out, but pictured at the right is one contest 'winner' who found there to be a big difference between a Camry/Corolla she thought she'd won, and a little stuffed green muppet that she was presented with.

"Always with you is it the glass half-empty, hmmm?"

Lately, I haven't been featuring much in the way of my duels with scammers here. I've been saving most of them for a book idea that may or may not eventually become one, but I digress.

But today, since a well-recognized icon from TV and junk mail past has re-emerged in my email, I reckon I can spare the book this one.

Most, if not all of you, remember the world renowned 'clearing house' that allegedly still sells dozens upon dozens of magazine subscriptions, and hosted a contest that advertised all kinds of winners freaking out when their 'Prize Patrol' showed up.

Meantime, millions of others wound up with paper cuts and ill-tasting tongues, from sorting through the laborious mailing, trying to find all the stickers and emblems one had to find to lick and stick to the friggin' entry form, to enter the contest that never went away.

One that I never won squat in, regardless of what I did or didn't subscribe to.

Well, this particular outfit long ago found its way online, with the same kind of drivel. And now, the scammers have signed on to it, since the late Johnny Carson's late sidekick isn't around any more to pitch for it.

Granted, the scammers aren't as eloquent as Ed; I doubt any of them could spell, let alone explain "hiyoooooooooo". But this latest incarnation of the world renowned contestuary gives you as much chance of winning, as you have of winning a 100 yard dash with a mama grizzly, with no head start allowed.

Anyway, I received another one from the alleged 'clearing house'. A rather badly-written one at that, for anyone outside of the DC public school system. So I had some fun widdit. I don't suppose the "real" clearing house will find the humor in what I did; perhaps the scammer(s) will like my rewrite so much, they'll use and re-use it, until someone a tad brighter than the level of education in the DC public school system manages to explain it to them.

But here it is for your reading enjoyment -- with all of the original typos -- with my rewrite worked in around them:

Good day, we are the Publisher Foreclosing (on the) Clearing House (PFotCH), purveyor of sh**loads of unwanted magazine subscriptions, second hand junk, and a totally bogus cash drawing! You know us from our years of annoying TV ads and junk mailings, of course.

Well, with increasing costs associated with TV ads and labor, we couldn't afford to keep running a dubious contest on TV, simply by supporting ourselves and that pricey Prize Patrol on what we managed to milk out of you dumb bastards from magazine subscriptions, you bunch of cheap zipperheads. So here we are online, saving a f**kload of money and pedaling the same brand of crap as ever!

Of course, we operate the same way here, except (a) you don't have to spend hours sorting through one of those f**king mailings, just to find all the sh** you need to lick and stick on an entry form that won't win you anything, and (b) we tell you that you've won something substantive, but will never have to produce it! AND..after we get some money out of you for processing your faux 'winnings', we'll share your email with every f**king scammer this side of Uranus!

Ain't online just awesome?

But forget that last paragraph -- which for us passes as one of those pesky, required-by-law disclaimers -- and just imagine that you've won ONE MILLION US DOLLARS in our PFotCH lotery! Now read this next part carefully, because no educated person wrote it.."winer you are to contrat our fiucary, please not, if you are not the ritefull owner of this email respond to this mail anyway".

With writing like that, we still expect to receive a boatload of entries from DC, Califorlornia, and any place else that dumbed down education is in vogue.

Oh, here is your totally bogus winning numbers: 47-14-34-85-67-32

And here is your totally bogus Email Ticket #: FL 754/22/76

Now, here's who you are to contact to help us f**k you over:

AGENT: James "Constipated" Bowels

EMAIL: pchclaimsdept1@gmail.com

You are require to send the informatons bellow to process you clam:

Full Name:

Address:

Last Time You Had Sex With An Invertebrate Fruit Preserve:

Nationality:

Age:

Occupation:

Phone Number:

Most Insincerely,

Mrs. Mary Cruz

Online Co-ordinator and part time ostrich inseminator

Having shared the re-write with the originating scammer and a couple dozen of his peers, I will be interested to see if any of them try to enter the CONtest. Perhaps the last laugh will be on me, if I see an overpriced TV ad with the Prize Patrol, delivering balloons and an oversized check to someone at the door of a fly-infested internet cafe overseas.

Uh huh.

No Shortage Of Memory

*5/1/11 Update: the mastermind of 9/11/01 is DEAD. God Bless the US Navy SEALs who put paid to Osama bin Laden. Rot in Hawg Hell, Osama*

September 11, 2001, prior to 7am, Mountain Daylight Savings Time. I was sitting at home, enjoying a day off, sipping coffee and listening to the news.

I heard it as it happened, and was reported. I didn't need to see the images as they happened; hearing it come across the radio gave me a feeling -- a deathly chill -- that I believe listeners felt on the afternoon of December 7, 1941, as they sat riveted to their radios, and learned of Pearl Harbor.

Perhaps some folks hereabouts have forgotten that day, and what they were doing when they heard the awful news of September 11, 2001. I have not. Not the 2996 who were murdered. Not the joy expressed amongst Islamofascists across the Middle East at the news of those murdered. Not the words of horror, disbelief, denial and finally anger, as the facts became known.

Nor have I forgotten the words I wrote about it, a day later. I repeat the gist of them here, now.

I wasn't wrong in what I wrote then. I'm not wrong today. No pundit alive has changed my mind or opinion about September 11, 2001. Where I briefly worked earlier this year -- at a terrorism awareness museum -- hasn't changed my mind an iota about 9/11/01.

Sure, you can argue whatever point of view you want to about 9/11. That's what this country is about. But when you argue that we deserved 9/11/01 -- like the abysmally hate-filled Ward Churchills of the world do -- you are tuned out of my attention span. You are in my view, at best Neville Chamberlainesque, or worse, in unholy alliance with the enemy. Chamberlain was willing to sell out a valiant ally, to appease a German dictator to try to avoid war. Instead, Chamberlain's sellout of Czechoslovakia, and his appeasement of Adolph Hitler at Munich in September, 1938, guaranteed the onset of the most costly war in human history.

I don't need bleeding hearts on MSNBC or CNN to tell me who's responsible for 9/11: the sons of bitches who did it are. Some of the same odious persons who have tried, and continue to try, to replicate September 11, 2001, to this day, along with some 'lone wolves' here and there.

Some Americans choose to forget, and hide in the verbiage of appeasement and "blame America first". "Mommy make them stop" might work with a nightmare, but it doesn't work in the real world, against real boogey men, kiddies.

I will never join the appeasement crowd.

George W. Bush was not my first choice for president in 2000; but he was, and proved to be, a better choice than AlGore's fraudulent visions of vast climate and economic scams. And in the wake of September 11, 2001, President Bush stood tall enough for me, whatever his mistakes prior to, or since.

Make no mistake: the war by Islamofascism was declared on us well before 9/11/01. The failed attack on the WTC in 1993 should have been more than enough to wake up Americans. But it wasn't. It always seems to take a 'Pearl Harbor' moment to get our collective attention. And the love of "quick gratification" in a spoiled society, doesn't allow the attention to remain long-viewed by some. The war -- radical Islamofascism vs the rest of the world -- goes on. And will, as long as much of the world remains apathetic, blind, or intimidated, to and by the threat.

A couple paraphrased thoughts from a warrior-historian, T. R. Fehrenbach*, are appropriate to close this post:

1. "Any kind of war short of jihad was, is, and will be unpopular with the people. Because such wars are fought with legions, and Americans, even when they are proud of them, do not like their legions. They do not like to serve in them, nor even to allow them to be what they must. For legions have no ideological or spiritual home in the liberal society. The liberal society has no use or need for legions -- as its prophets have long proclaimed. Except that in this world are tigers".

2. "If free nations want a certain kind of world, they will have to fight for it, with courage, money, diplomacy -- and legions. It is time for free, decent societies to continue to control their military forces, but to quit demanding from them impossible acquiescence in the liberal view toward life. A "modern" infantry may ride sky vehicles into combat, fire and sense its weapons through instrumentation, employ devices of frightening lethality in the future -- but it must also be old-fashioned enough to be iron-hard, poised for instant obedience, and prepared to die in the mud. If liberal, decent societies cannot discipline themselves to do these things, they may have nothing to offer the world. They may not last long enough".

Fehrenbach concluded with this: Aristotle wrote, "Almost all things have been found out, but some have been forgotten".

Aristotle was right.

That's how I saw it ten years ago. That's how I see it today.

God bless the US Military, and those of our civilian leaders who are smart enough to see the broader picture in the war on terror. Or, as I referred to it on 9/12/01, the War of the Shadows. If or when we, as a society, lose the long view...we stand to lose what it is we believe our way of life, and our society, has to offer the world, if not that way of life entirely.

* from This Kind of War -- The Classic Korean War History, by T. R. Fehrenbach

Tanks For The Memories

What do you get when you mix Maricopa County law enforcement, A&E, armor, Steven Seagal, and an allegation of cockfighting?

I don't think anyone knows the answer to that yet, but I can't wait to see what South Park might do with it.

Let's start with the picture at the right: I don't remember the official designation of this particular vehicle, but I do know that it's technically a "self-propelled gun" that mounts a 155mm cannon. And it sits in the back lot of the Maricopa County Sheriff's Department. I saw it there -- as here -- in September, 2006.

The story itself begins in March of this year. And from that point, the story gets....strange. Which, in my book, makes it a natural for South Park, but I digress.

Not being a cable TV watcher (again), I have never seen the A&E series, Steven Seagal: Lawman. Being an action movie watcher, I have seen an assortment of implausible action movies that feature the occasionally-stretched martial arts acumen of Steven Seagal (Out For Justice, Under Siege I & II, Above The Law, etc..). And who hasn't heard of "Sheriff Joe" Arpaio, the hard-handed sheriff of Maricopa County, Arizona?

Well apparently, some of Seagal's A&E "reality" show is being filmed with the Maricopa County Sheriff's Department. Including a "raid" by MCSD Swat & other units this past March, on a home in or near Laveen, Arizona.

Which also included the use of at least one tank. I don't know if it was the one pictured above or not.

But what makes the story more interesting is what the raid was staged for: to take down an alleged "fighting rooster operation".

Yeah, that was my first thought, too: a resounding "WTFFF*???"

The raid took place on March 9, 2011. Now according to Maricopa County, the raid was staged as it was -- with SWAT and armor support -- because the alleged mastermind behind the "fighting rooster operation" was reportedly armed. Seagal (and a film crew for his A&E show) just happened to be along. One person was arrested, and there were 116 casualties of the raid: 115 roosters, and one family puppy. The arrested person -- the alleged mastermind -- was found unarmed, and offered no resistance.

I reckon not, when a 30 ton tank introduces itself rather abruptly to one's home. The family can-opener is a bit overmatched here. Don't even think of deploying a Salad Shooter against a tank.

Now at the end of August, the alleged mastermind is now preparing to sue Maricopa County and Seagal for physical damages, emotional damages, a dead puppy, and the loss of what he claims were 115 "show roosters".

It's apparent that something here went afowl. How that something will be played out remains to be seen, literally: on Steven Seagal: Lawman, or on Court TV. Or maybe even Dancing With The Stars. So-called "reality" TV is anything but.

On the surface of it, it sounds to me like Maricopa County went overboard to help out celebrity Seagal. A whole SWAT team and a tank to take down 115 roosters?

Then again...what if the original allegations about the real purpose of so many roosters in one place were justified. What if they were being bred for cockfighting?

Still doesn't justify a full SWAT team and a tank, you say? Well, I would tend to agree.

Until I throw in this, once I allowed my thrice-concussed mind to kick in: what if those 115 roosters were being bred for cockfighting, based on watching the plethora of Steven Seagal action movies? SEAL team-quality training to produce the foulest of fowl-trained cockfighters? Perhaps the owner had in mind his own odious "ultimate crime" plan in mind, with him in the role of Tommy Lee Jones/Eric Bogosian of Under Siege I & II notoriety. Remember that Tommy Lee Jones character in the first movie was a renegade CIA agent, intent on stealing a US Navy battleship and stealing (for sale) the nuke-tipped Tomahawk missiles aboard her. And Bogosian? He was another CIA rogue, who hijacked a passenger train from which he took over a satellite that could trigger massive earthquakes from space.

SO...here we have a mild-mannered, non-descript person, who perhaps was actually the leader of 115 highly-trained, baddest of the bad-attituded fowl of dubious eggecedence, and primed with the best training Seagal was ever portrayed to have? We'll never know if the dude was ever a rogue member of the CIA, 'cuz we all know the CIA denies everything, regardless of the profitability of the storyline in Hollyweird. And we'll probably never know against which part of the USA he planned to launch his elite commando cocks...I'm tending to lean toward one or more restaurant chains serving chicken. He was (or is) probably being funded by a super secret and very very militant branch of PETAA (Persons for the Elite Training of Attack Animals).

If that scenario is remotely possible -- and in this day and age of alleged "reality" TV, what ain't? -- but for the quick and decisive work of Seagal and Sheriff Joe's 'elite', backed by armor and a reality show film crew, we could have been subjected to Under Siege III -- Fowl Territory.

Whatever the truth of the matter, I for one cannot wait to see when and/or what South Park does with this. I'll bet you it's almost weirder than my take...

* What The Fighting Fowl F***...

The Price of Culinary Barbarism?

FaceBook is a funny place.

In a surprisingly spirited thread, one person posted a politically-oriented comment about how some states had "food disparagement" laws, and one such state -- Colorado -- had criminal penalties attached to their law.

More than a few commenters responded with incredulous "WT-fried Twinkies-F?".

Perhaps I should take careful note of this alleged fact. After all, I do live in Colorado. And am a self-professed "culinary barbarian".

So I looked up the law. And yes, there is one: Colorado Revised Statutes, Section 35-31-101, Destruction Of Food Prohibited.

Therein, it says in fully syntaxed legalese: It is unlawful for any person, firm, partnership, association, or corporation or any servant, agent, employee, or officer thereof to destroy or cause to be destroyed, or to permit to decay or to become unfit for use or consumption, or to take, send or cause to be transported out of this state so to be destroyed or permitted to decay, or knowingly to make any materially false statement, for the purpose of maintaining prices or establishing higher prices for the same, or for the purpose of limiting or diminishing the quantity thereof available for market, or for the purpose of procuring, or aiding in procuring, or establishing, or maintaining a monopoly in such articles or products, or for the purpose of in any manner restraining trade, any fruits, vegetables, grain, meats, or other articles or products ordinarily grown, raised, produced, or used in any manner or to any extent as food for human beings or for domestic animals.

In my first read of the statute, I found this to be one of the longest run-on sentences I've not written myself. In my second read, it was hard for me to fathom that they'd ever get to what was the subject of note that has all the prohibitions for/agin it.

But eventually the multiplicity of re-readings persevered, and I was able to get the gist of the law.

Next came the effort to narrow down any and all parts of the law that might just apply to me, and the regular bouts of "food disparagement" that takes place in my kitchen. Granted, one would have to work hard to parse down the verbiage, to get to what might just make me liable for criminal charges specifically. But I think I was finally able to do so:

It is unlawful for any person (and legally, I is 'any person') to destroy or cause to be destroyed, or to permit to decay or to become unfit for use or consumption (between what I ignite and what is allowed to further decay as my leftovers), any fruits, vegetables, grain, meats or other articles or products ordinarily grown, raised, produced, or used in any manner or to any extent as food for human beings or for domestic animals.

Now, I knowwwww what you're thinking, punk: I omitted the part about "knowingly to make any materially false statement". Not at all; all the fun I've made of fruitcakes is borne out by history, and by how many of you keep regifting the things, year after year. So neener neener phfffft on that part. Y'wanna try and make an issue of that? Go ahead...make my day...

And I am indemnified and held harmless on the part referring to "domestic animals"; my pet rock, Seymour, doesn't qualify. And even he runs from whatever my few leftovers morph into.

Now, do I expect the State of Colorado to show up on my doorstep and try to apply criminal penalties to me, based on what I've written in my blog about my culinary barbarity?

Nawp. The state will be dealing with the tons upon tons of toxic coleslaw a former employer's restaurant used to throw out, for years. Even now, the toxic slaw is ravaging through state landfills, attacking scavengers, small pets and tofu zombies that frequent the landfills as meal time buffets.

Compared to that and carnivorous fruitcakes, I am a less-than-bit-player in CRS Section 35-31-101.

You see, as a culinary barbarian, I am a man who knows his limitations. And Clint Eastwood character quotes.