Saturday, September 24, 2011

Yer Loanin' Wha...?

Some of the shortest scam emails I've ever received concern online loan offers at "too good to be true" APRs and terms that Barney Fwank would love to force upon every lending institution in the US.
This one was no different:
Apply now & get your personal or bisness loan at @ 3% ARP. Apply Now for Intant Approval Contact for more info
CONFIDENTALITY NOTE: This email and any files transmitted with are confidental and intend soley for the use of the individal or entity to which they are address. If you are not intended, you may not review, copy or distribut this message. If you have receved this email in error please notify the sender immediate and delete them. Neither the sender not the company for which he or she works accept liabilty for any damage cause by any virus transmit by this email.
The sender -- allegedly identified as Kristen Lopez -- apparently runs a pretty low-overhead operation, bereft of spell check (like I run a low-overhead operation bereft of punctuation check).
So, having time on my hands and email mayhem in my heart, I hepped her (and a few of her compatriots) out:
Hi! Remember me? Of course you don't. But by the end of this email, you will.
I used to be just like you. Scrimping by, budgeting and scratching for every penny to pay my bills. Then this totally entremaneurial idea came to me while I was orally servicing a client, and *POOF*, within months I am living life like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman!
But first: my business is vaginal loans. I loan out my vag when I'm not using it, at a 10% commission plus interest compounded interruptus at 3% APR*. The higher you set your sights for the use of my vag, the better return on our money! A night at the top end ho'tels in Washington, DC, is easily good for $1k an hour, plus! Especially when Congress is in session!
Do you catch my crotch crickets here?
Apply now & get your personal or business vag at 3% APR*. Apply Now for Instant Approval! Contact for more info. I have a yeast infection so I can't use my vag right now; no reason I shouldn't loan it out for a tidy profit!
* Adjustable Penile Rate
CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of any ignorant dumbass who happens upon them, and is door-knob stupid enough to take it on face-vaginal value. If you are not the intended recipient, I don't it and go ahead with it, 'cuz I need someone to fall for this sh**, and if that someone is you, woohoo *score*. If you have received this email in error, please adjust your email settings so you receive this message any time I re-send it. Neither the sender nor the company for which he or she works gives a platypus f**k about any liability for any damage caused by any virus transmitted by the sender's "worn like a four lane highway in LA" vagina.
I am sure that she'll not have time to thank me, what with the deluge of email this rewrite will net her, especially from the 20 some odd peers of hers it went to...

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Blogger Eva Gallant said...

You are so totally evil! I love it!

24 September, 2011 07:41  
Blogger Serena said...

I'm with Eva -- you're totally, brilliantly evil. And they so richly deserve it!:-)

25 September, 2011 20:02  

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