Nothing Sacred?

Apparently not.

An online sports publication recently reported that the kicker for the Atlanta Falcons, Matt Ryan, got robbed when he ordered chinese food.

Dang. I do this all the time. The latter, not the former. More on that in a mo'.

Once you read the story, you find that it wasn't so much a robbery -- no at-gun-point-thingee -- as it was a stupid NFL kicker, and a stupider chinese delivery driver of dubious antecedence and worse ethical fiber.

Seems that Ryan left his garage door open, and therein -- apparently in plain view -- was a pricey golf bag with about $3,000 worth of golf clubs in it. Which the delivery driver hepped hisself to, BEFORE delivering the chinese food. 'Twas more a burglary, aided and abetted by a stupid homeowner.

Bastard driver probably got overtipped, too.

Anyway, the numbnuts delivery driver got caught when he tried to sell off the pricey and apparently name-brand clubs (a brand I and my brand of game never heard of) online, in exchange for 80 ecstacy pills.

There be no ecstacy in that foreplay...*ducking boos and throwd chinese delivery menus*.

At any rate, I was relieved to read the details of the matter; after all (a) I order delivery chinese and (b) I have a set of golf clubs. Granted, I don't have a garage to leave them in to *bait* a delivery driver into a life of crime. What's more, I'd hate to have to meet my deliverer with money and a shotgun everytime.

That might degrade the quality of my fried crab cheese wontons.

But even if I had a garage to leave my golf clubs in, I don't reckon they'd get up and walk on their own. Even with help.

For starters, the golf bag is probably a $9.95 Wal-mart special. I don't know, 'cuz it came with most of the clubs, which I bought second hand some 15 years back. And I guarantee you..while I didn't pay that much for them, I paid too much.

They're defective.

Oh yes...defective. I know this to be true. See, I have used them a few times. I have seen how they operate.

Deee-fective.

And the four clubs I've added to them were apparently just as defective. Even though I bought three of them on sale at Target, and was given the other one -- a putter. I wuz given the putter 'cuz the original putter that came with them was...you got it...deeefective.

And no, it has practically nothing to do with user error.

The last time my clubs saw the golf light of day was in 2005. Since then, my pet rock, Seymour, has only used the putter to try to fend off marauding food leftovers that have left the bounds of natural science, and set out on their own, seeking compost zombies to mate with.

My shotgun's more effective in dealing with those, too.

Anyway, if any chinese delivery driver wants to 'rob' me of my $9.95 golf bag full of Wilson, Northwestern, Dunlop, Spaulding and one club that's something Anemic clubs, just figure out which restaurant I use, and wait for me to call again. I promise I won't shoot you for demanding my golf clubs.

But I might if you don't take them AND still expect a tip...

Does That Come With Derivery?

As has been my experience in the realm of email scammers, those allegedly writing from the Far East, tend to be better writers, and more adept at figuring out when they're having their chains yanked by someone not buying their 'rice bowl'.

But not always-san.

Via one of the online job-hunting sites I'm currently using for interests more gainful (aka, pay bills), I received the following email:

MESSAGE

Dear friend,

I am Mr. Liu Wang, an official with the International bank of Taipei, Taiwan. I have a very sensitive and confidential brief for you from the International Bank of Taipei, Taiwan. I aske for your partnership in re-profiling funds. I will give you the details but in summary: the funds are coming via Bank of Taipei in Taiwan (they apparently love everything in triplicate there). This is a legitimate transaction (aka, no, it ain't) and you will be paid 30% of your management fee. If you are interested, please write back and send me your confidential phone and fax numbers, and I will give details and instructions. Please keep this confidential, we can't afford to have any political problems (where do you think we are, Wisconsin?). Finally, please note that it must be concluded within two weeks. Please write back promptly via this confidential email address liu_wang1@9.cn for more information.

Well, it WAS confidential ;-)

Usually, any kind of a smart-ass reply to one of these, tends to end it. So here was my reply to Mr. Liu Wang of the triplicated Bank of Taipei, Taiwan, and his sensitive, confidential offer:

pupu w/moo goo gai pan. *yum-san*

And I included the secondary phone number to my personal favorite chinese restaurant (my bad). But I digress.

A day later, I discovered I was dealing with one of the lesser intelligent alleged Asian scammers:

MORE DETAIL

Dear Intending Partner,

Thank you much for your mail....and he goes on to tell me about how a client of his bank -- yes, the triplicated International Bank of Taipei, Taiwan -- took on a fund from a Muhannad Al-Hakim, an Iraqi crude oil merchant. A fund amounting to $1.5 BILLION Taiwanese New Dollars, which in USD amounts to $44.5 Million. Apparently, ol Muhannad 'bought it' during the war, getting blowd up along with his house, creosoted toilet and oil well, in 2004. Naturally, Muhannad had no next of kin. And equally naturally, within a very short time, if no one claims the money, it goes to the government of Taiwan. Finders keepers-san.

SO...I am expected -- because I am well reputed in the Chambers of Commerce, Taipei, Taiwan, which is a tofu-load of news to me -- to be an honest and trustworthy partner to Mr. Liu Wang, and stand in as Muhannad's long-lost next of kin. And for doing so, I git is 30% of 44.5 Million USD.

Of course, it's all perfectly legal and 100% risk-free. All that's missing is the '*' for the undisclosed Disclaimer, that sez a kimshi load of udderwise.

All I need to do to take the next step-san, is provide my full name, address, and occupation.

So I reply thus:

crispy duck egg foo yung w/egg rolls

Whoever's receiving these replies, it becomes apparent, is NOT reading them well, if at all:

QUESTION

Dear Intending Partner,

Is there something here you not understand? Please provide the information needed for next step forward. And pleased to remember that this is sensitive and confidential. Time is not on our side, so please to provide necessary information at once.

Grabbing my handy chinese delivery menu, I craft a suitable reply:

Sesame chicken w/vegetables egg drop soup mongolian pork ... *yum-san* I pay cash, you sabi?

Two things become clear: whoever it is is NOT grasping my replies, and I'm not going to get the order I just placed, delivered:

QUESTION

Dear Intended Partner,

I still wait impatiently for your bona fides. Please not to waste more time. This transaction is sensitive, confidential, and must be act upon now. Please provide informations at once.

Hmmmm...how to make my order-san clear:

Kung pao chicken w/pyi par crispy tofu fried crab cheese wontons and fortune cookie famiry pack. I pay cash. *yum-san* You deriver to (and I gave them the address I use in a Colorado mountain town, where no one lives). I tip derivery driver. Hokay-san? Probrems, you make phone ring at number I give you, hokay-san?

FINALLY, I get an email that tells me (a) someone FINALLY read what I writ and (B) it's about over:

NOT GAME

Dear Intended Partner,

What manner of game is this you play? This is serious business. If you not wish to participate, no more stop writing and waste my time.

Ooops...a grammatical *gaffe*, and one I am all too eager to indulge:

No more stop writing-san? Hokay-dokay, plick, I no stop writing-san. You ask me waste your time, I rike waste your time. Besides, you screw pooch by not deriver one order I prace with you. Your restaurant suck filthy turtle eggs! Oh, an' I send copy of your originar emair to Internationar Bank of Taipei, Taiwan, for verify your boner findees, hokay?

Unress you make derivery of pupu pratter w/side order combination fried rice, we no more do tickee washee, yes-san?

Amusingly, I got one more email repry from "Liu Wang"...but it was blank ;-)

Guess I ain't gettin' my pupu. At least not from him. But his email addy is getting the next week's worth of spam emails from my one account. Nyuk nyuk-san.