Nothing Sacred?

Apparently not.

An online sports publication recently reported that the kicker for the Atlanta Falcons, Matt Ryan, got robbed when he ordered chinese food.

Dang. I do this all the time. The latter, not the former. More on that in a mo'.

Once you read the story, you find that it wasn't so much a robbery -- no at-gun-point-thingee -- as it was a stupid NFL kicker, and a stupider chinese delivery driver of dubious antecedence and worse ethical fiber.

Seems that Ryan left his garage door open, and therein -- apparently in plain view -- was a pricey golf bag with about $3,000 worth of golf clubs in it. Which the delivery driver hepped hisself to, BEFORE delivering the chinese food. 'Twas more a burglary, aided and abetted by a stupid homeowner.

Bastard driver probably got overtipped, too.

Anyway, the numbnuts delivery driver got caught when he tried to sell off the pricey and apparently name-brand clubs (a brand I and my brand of game never heard of) online, in exchange for 80 ecstacy pills.

There be no ecstacy in that foreplay...*ducking boos and throwd chinese delivery menus*.

At any rate, I was relieved to read the details of the matter; after all (a) I order delivery chinese and (b) I have a set of golf clubs. Granted, I don't have a garage to leave them in to *bait* a delivery driver into a life of crime. What's more, I'd hate to have to meet my deliverer with money and a shotgun everytime.

That might degrade the quality of my fried crab cheese wontons.

But even if I had a garage to leave my golf clubs in, I don't reckon they'd get up and walk on their own. Even with help.

For starters, the golf bag is probably a $9.95 Wal-mart special. I don't know, 'cuz it came with most of the clubs, which I bought second hand some 15 years back. And I guarantee you..while I didn't pay that much for them, I paid too much.

They're defective.

Oh yes...defective. I know this to be true. See, I have used them a few times. I have seen how they operate.

Deee-fective.

And the four clubs I've added to them were apparently just as defective. Even though I bought three of them on sale at Target, and was given the other one -- a putter. I wuz given the putter 'cuz the original putter that came with them was...you got it...deeefective.

And no, it has practically nothing to do with user error.

The last time my clubs saw the golf light of day was in 2005. Since then, my pet rock, Seymour, has only used the putter to try to fend off marauding food leftovers that have left the bounds of natural science, and set out on their own, seeking compost zombies to mate with.

My shotgun's more effective in dealing with those, too.

Anyway, if any chinese delivery driver wants to 'rob' me of my $9.95 golf bag full of Wilson, Northwestern, Dunlop, Spaulding and one club that's something Anemic clubs, just figure out which restaurant I use, and wait for me to call again. I promise I won't shoot you for demanding my golf clubs.

But I might if you don't take them AND still expect a tip...