Loan, Loan Is Deranged...

Oh give me a loan,

where the defaults don't roam,

and the deer and the antelope pay 3%...

where seldom is heard

a "you're denied" word,

and the fiscal sky's clear the whole day...

No, I didn't find this in Wyoming, despite what the picture suggests.

BUT, I did get this online loan offer from Victory World Outreach Loans, located in...*drum roll*...Nigeria:

This is an offer from Victory World Outreach Loans contact us for any kind of loan offered at 3.7 interest rate with or without collateral. All interested clients should send an application to this email address (victoryoutreachloans@googlemail.com) and this info is needed from you (your name, address, country, direct phone, marital status, sex, loan amount needed, duration, date of birth and how you heard about them). Once we receive this above short farm filled from you. Your loan process will state immediate. Thanks as we wait your Swift respond to our offer.

Warmest regard,

Mr. Dan Miller Advert Manager

After a period of months of rewriting such emails, I decided to play this one instead, and responded thus:

Dude...like oh wow, you is da bomb! I am, like, so totally in for this, dude! Awesome! Like, my information is writ where you said to!

I used my scambaiting persona of Jack N. Ewehoff and related nonsense information, and requested a $250k loan for a period of 15 years.

Next day, I received this:

Attn: Jack N. Ewehoff

I am Mr. Victory, the loan department director for Victory World Outreach Loans. I have reviewed your loan informations provided on the application form and found you worthy of the loan you seek (even though under 'sex' I answered, "as often as I can"). Please to study the below terms properly and get back to me with the required informations needed to further your loan tranaction. Please respond in the next 24 hours to avoid termination of your loan (more on that in a mo').

The terms were laid out over a page and a half of meant-to-sound-official legal loanese. The essence of which was that I was now legally bound to, upon receipt of the loan, to repay it in 180 payments of $1726.45 for a $250k loan. I would be required to provide a passport photograph or "any form" of ID, and I would be required to pay "handling and process fees" to be "discuss later". And I would be held "legal liable" for all terms and conditions of the loan.

Fine. I waited two days -- that's 24 hours x 2 -- and responded thus:

Awesome, Mr. Vic Tree! I am so totally in on your terms and conditions! Lay one bad loan check on me, dude! Yowza!

As expected, it didn't dampen my chances at getting the business from Victory World Outreach Loans, as I received this:

Mr. Jack N. Ewehoff, we receive your email agreement to our term repayment plans. Be well informed that the loan render by VWOL carries an insurance seal. These loans are insure for gaurantee on delivery the loan protected by a hard cover insurance seal which stated that the loan amount must not be touched until it reaches the borrower to gaurantee safety on delivery. Seal charges are here (and it listed Verification fees, Administrative fees, processing fees, and Stamp/legal fees that totalled $1,280). They then gave me to option of paying these fees by bank-to-bank transfer or by money order, and instructions on how to do each.

It was now time to play:

Awesome, dude. Like, go ahead and include the fees into my loan amount, and like let's handle it that way. As for the seal, dude, like please include instructions for care, feeding, and such. I never owned a seal before. Can it like bark, slap its flippers and catch fish and sh**? That is so kewl.

They ignored that part, and repeated this in reply:

Be well informed that the loan render by VWOL carries an insurance seal. These loans are insured for gaurantee on delivery and protect by hard cover insurance Seal which stated that the loan amount must not be touched until it reaches the borrower.

I stick with my interpretation:

Hey, I'm kewl with the seal and all that sh**. As for the fees, like I said, so totally include them in the loan total. I mean, you yourself said you're gonna make over $60k during the life of the loan on the interest, dude. Make a few cents extra by including it in the loan itself, and we are so ready to rock and roll!

I give them credit for patience:

You have to understand this fee can not be added or remove from the loan...I will need you to reread my previous email to you.

Let's go for reciprocity:

Oh wow, dude. It's so totally like hey, I do understand this fee thing. But like I before said in my reply, you need to reread my previous email reply to you, dude. There's a good lad.

They appear to ignore my suggestion of reciprocity, but they do try another gambit:

it appears that you do not understand. However we are willing to work with you and reduce the necessary fees to $500. Please to reread our terms email on how you render this payment to us for your loan. Thanks.

Ain't that nice? Should I meet them halfway? I think not:

Awww, that's awfully nice of y'all to discount my fees like that. Go ahead and include them in the loan. You're, like, so totally kewl for doing that. Really.

you seem not to understand how this work. You must pay the fees before we can send the loan. This is the insurance seal we explain to you. Please do so at once.

Huh? First you're sending me a seal, then you're not? Dang, dudes. But that's okay. Just include the reduced fees in my loan check, and send it along. I gots sh** to take care of, dude.

The seal is an insurance seal. not a live seal. Please again read the instructions we send you to make the fee payment. time is not on your side.

Dude, okay, so I totally get that you're not sending me a live seal. That's kewl, 'cuz the only place I could keep it is in my bathtub, and I gotta use that once a month mahself. Just go ahead and put the fees into my loan, and you'll get your fees over the life of the loan. In fact, I will agree to increase my first payment by the amount of the fees, after I totally have the loan in the bank and sh**t. And time IS on my side, 'cuz I wear a pocket watch, my man, 'cept once a month when I get cleaned up.

I finally got 'em riled:

either you are stuped or you are not serious with us. you agree to our terms so pay the fee now or you will not get loan from us. do this u understand now dude?

Wahl now, dude, ya dun made the gopher sh** snake excrement. You callin' me 'stuped'?

are u want to do business or not if you want then pay fees now. If not then stop email us we are busy to waste more time on u.

Wow...just f**king wow, dude. First you wanna loan me money and give me a pet seal, then you take back the pet seal, then you insult me, and now you don't want to give me the business.

what is pet seal sh**? u want to get loan or not?

Dude, I never agreed to have you loan me a pet seal! WTF???

stop writing to us we are to busy for game

Ain't a seal considered 'game' in some venues, dude?

f*** u

Wow, dude. You trying to loan me a violated seal that you poked, and now you propositioning me? Waaaay too rad, dude. You're one sick seal sodomizer. No fee for you.

Don't look now, but I think I'm out of "getting the business".

Loan, loan, unarranged....