A Pet Rock Notes That Yes...They Do Walk Amongst Us

Much as I try to avoid the so-called 'news' these days, I have two ever-inquisitive pet rocks that simply won't let it go.

Especially when they find stuff like what follows.

Apparently, some woman in Russia is suing a world-wide fast food chain for breaking her dietary resolve during Lent...with a cheeseburger ad.

As noted here, it even works with aliens.

Be that as it may, my 'editing gone wild' pet rock Element was ever eager to see what she could do with such a story.

Seymour -- her partner-in-editing-crime -- was pleased to gain dishonorable mention in the edit:

'They're Out There'– Really REALLY out there -- Even In Russia

By Element PetRock/WTFNS

(Date Line: I lost my number, can I have yours?) – McDonald's is almost as evil as Pfizer. Not only here but around the woild.

Or so a Russian victim of Madisonski Avenue would have you believe.

Ksenia Ovchinnikova must be related to the single-digit IQ-types in Florida that called 911 after McD's ran out of chicken nuggets. Ovchinnikova claims she was lured into indulging in a juicy McDonald’s burger during Lent by a cow urging everyone to eat more chikin.

Now the suddenly not-so-smug Ronald McD is hearing from her barrister.

The Russian woman is reportedly suing the fast-food chain after claiming that a mouthwatering cheeseburger commercial grabbed her, threw her down, and molested her taste buds and religious convictions, leaving her hunger pangs knocked up and absolutely no choice but to break her Lent fast.

“When I saw an advertising banner — it literally ripped all resistance from my form and I was left defenseless, knowing that despite the requirements of Lent, I was subconsciously commanded by a power lower than borscht to indulge the cheeseburger,” said Ovchinnikova, an orthodox nipplehead of dubious self-controlcedence, in a court statement regarding the MacLent act, according to the Russian equivalent of cnn.

“The demon of Ronald McDonald was standing over me, laughing manically as I slavishly gave in to that which the Hamburglar had failed to save me from.” she opined.

Her attorney – Seymourski PetRockova – said that “all the sordid details will come out in court”, or something along those lines, as he said it in Azerbaijani, which caught Pravda off guard and sans translator.

PetRockova has even started a #GoFundUs page on Fecesbook, seeking constipation for painful rectal itch, incontinence and suffering therefrom.

PetRockova could have used some translation help.

A spokescharacter for McDonald's – the Hamburglar, summoned from retirement – issued a statement denying that he can't speak clearly. All we got was “rauble rauble rauble”.

A commontater at the dumbest network in the West, cnn, declared that this was the result of “global warming COVID and Trump”, with absolutely nothing else to offer in the way of proof, before he went back to drooling all over his balding, corpulent self.

When asked for comment, the illegitimate president's depressed suckretary said “I'll circle back to that when the illegitimate president is done circling me.” Bidumb later said he thought that she was his wife's sister's daughter, and he was merely groping for words or anything else he could get hold of.

A spokesperson for Taco Bell just smirked and muttered that it “was good to be us and no, our mascot does NOT look like a vagina.”

 

Unlike Seymour, Element entertains no notions of picking up a Pulitzer for edits like this.  She'll be happy to get a real taco out of it.

A Tort Named Sue

With everything going on in the world, it's good to know that stupid people can still hire stupid lawyers and file stupid lawsuits.

From a recent Yahoo News posting came the story of an investment banker who is suing the White Castle restaurant chain because he can't fit his 290 pound ass into a booth in his local facility.

This fits -- see what I just did there? -- along with people who call 911 because their local McDonalds ran out of Chicken McNuggets when they wanted some.

Stories like this tend to make you think the world has gone McNuts. But truth be told, a segment of the world has always been so.

Some other lawsuit whoppers I've heard of down the years:

- a former NBA cheerleader and MENSA non-candidate sued a mom-pop grocery store, after she bought a container of contraceptive jelly there, and then had sex and got pregnant. The rest of that story: she sued the store because (a) the product was too close to the food section (b) she didn't read the directions for use of the product because she was sexually aroused at the time and "who has time to read the directions at a time like that?" and (c) she made toast and put the jelly on that, consuming it before having sex. *BUZZZZZZZZER*

I can see how this would cause the mom and pop grocery to have liability: they should have anticipated stupid customers like a former NBA cheerleader, and posted a gimongus sign over the product that said "THIS CONTRACEPTIVE JELLY SHOULD NOT BE PUT ON TOAST AND EATEN BEFORE HAVING SEX, SINCE BEING SEXUALLY AROUSED NEGATES TAKING THE TIME TO READ THE DIRECTIONS FOR USE ON THE PRODUCT".

- a man sued a Califorlornia marina because as he was proposing to his girlfriend there, a pelican flew over and crapped on him. Despite the fact that this was coastal Califorlornia, and pelicans are in ample abundance there, the man asserted that the marina should have posted warning signs about flying pelicans and rogue bathroom habits of same. *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Yeah, the marina probably should have posted a sign that warned of fowl bathroom habits by local aquatic birds. Nature isn't second nature to the dim-of-mind, and anyone working in and living in one of the nannyist of nanny states should have anticipated something like this....*gag*

- in Virginia, some real bright CFC bulb sued himself, claiming he'd violated his own civil rights and religious beliefs by getting drunk and winding up in jail. *BUZZZZZZZZZZZER*

I never figured out how he was going to seek redress from the court on this one...seek compensatory and punitive damages from himself?

- a woman sued a Hollyweird movie studio because their haunted house that she voluntarily went to see was "too scary".

You stupid Hollyweird movie studios. You should KNOW how scary you are, and have a 10 page waiver in legalese, granting you indemnification from being held harmless, if someone stupid enough to enter your house of horrors and not expect to get scared, gets scared.

- a rapist sued a hospital for failing to prevent him from raping a patient in the hospital. *BUZZZZZZZZZER*

Yeah, personal responsibility and accountability has no place in civil society today.

- a guy sued a famous basketball player AND a famous sports shoe maker because he resembled the basketball player. He claimed having people mistake him for the famous basketball player caused him "defamation, permanent injury, mental pain and suffering". *BUZZZZZZZZER*

Does that mean that I can sue the bad movie director who stole my name, and made the abomination of a movie Pearl Harbor? I mean, I get asked about that movie, and even had three phone messages from some dingbat in Ohio, who wanted me to cast her and her daughter in my next movie. I should have felt such mental anguish, defamation and personal injury over that.

Perhaps I'd get around to it, if it didn't make me laugh. *DOH*..I guess I should sue myself for violating my civil right to be offended by finding humor in the absurd, and not seek a legal remedy instead!

Or might my pet rock, Seymour, seek a stupid lawyer to represent him agin' me for having used him at one time as a door stop?

Since a lawyer once tried to represent the rights of sand in an ecological lawsuit, I reckon I shouldn't laugh too loud about that notion...*slowly losing the battle not to laugh h'yar*