Got Their Goat

There are times that even I'm surprised by how twisted I can be in responding to scammers.

It's great.

After a bit of a lull in February, I seem to have inadvertently had my email address stumble into an incredibly rich deposit of scammers, playing all of the usual ploys (only one new in the scams being tried; future blog post). One thing that seems to distinguish this crop, however...is how patently STUPID they are (aka, some of my most recent posts).

So when I received eight new offers to give me the business late last week, one of those suggestive *TOING*s went off, that usually bodes ill, far as my sick creativity streak goes.

I've played scammer vs scammer before; sometimes, the results are a hoot. Several years ago, I got two different Mariam Abachas to square off for a few days, both vying to prove to me that the other was a fraud. That may well remain one of my best play-offs.

This one....well....you decide.

With eight contestants entered in the Emailican Idol competition that none of them knew they'd entered, I selected one -- Samuel Anderson (samuelanderson@ladyfire.com) -- to be the pigeon, with the rest (Bayo Jacobs, A. Martins, Martin Coles, John Mamadou, Jeff Koffi, and John Boucher and Henry Oben) being the intended targets of Anderson's email gambit.

Which, of course, I re-wrote. And then forwarded to the lucky 7, "at the behest" of Anderson (not).

Anderson's original ploy involved a bank account in Scotland with 16 million UK pound sterling, a dead account owner, and his offer to me (as aka, an 'undisclosed recipient'), to help him spirit the money out of the country, for us to share.

Instead, I took a bit of..er..'twisted' creative liberty, and re-arranged Anderson's missive, which now targetted me as a 'mediator', between Anderson and the other 7 scammers.

How twisted...well, you decide. Here's what I sent out to all, on Anderson's behalf:

Good day with hopes for a much baaaaaaaahtter one,

I am an incestment consultant working with the Royal Bank of Scottish Sodomy at their offshore department Suffolk House of Bestiality, Whitehall, London. I will be happy to work this deal out with you, because I need your help to arrange for me, sex with live goats, and several persons I am determined to make these arrangements with. These persons I have learned, through research and reputation -- both online, and scratched into various public restroom walls -- have the breed of goat that I favor for sodomous sex. Can you cantact these persons for me and convey to them my deep desire for wild anal sex with their goats? They are:

Bayo Jacobs

A. Martins

Martin Coles

John Mamadou

Jeff Koffi

John Boucher

Henry Oben

I will make available for your services, a fair percentage of 16,000,000 UK pound sterling that I inherited from my father who regularly made me sodomize goats in my youth, because I feared them, and he felt that this would help me overcome my fear. I am here to tell you, I went from fear to "who's your daaaaaaaaddy". Once I have confirmation from these gentlemen of their interest to let me f*** their goats, I will arrange for you, and those participating, to be paid. You can check out my bank at (alleged website for Bank of Scotland) and I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible. I am trembling in anticipation of your positive response.

Even Simon Cowell would have had to start to smile at this one.

After I concluded the re-write of Anderson's 'offer', of course I had to insert my own little editorial comment, before forwarding this rather unusual 'offer' on to the 'intended' recipients:

What the f***? Why is this outrageously sick bastard contacting ME on y'all's behalf? Don't reply to ME; if this sorry offer appeals to you, apply directly to HIM! Though, there's money in it for me, if any of you agree to participate.

I received no initial reply from Anderson. BUT...I got two curious responses from John Mamadou and Martin Coles. First, from Mamadou:

what the f*** is wrong with you this is game right?

Coles didn't seem as clear on what it all meant:

why you want pay me to f*** a goat?

I was glad I was not drinking coffee when I read that one.

To Mamadou, I replied with this:

Don't f***ing ask me, Martin; I'm not the one making the offer. Sam Anderson is. But more to the point, just agree, so I can get paid.

That ended any follow-up with Mamadou.

To Coles, I replied:

Weird as it sounds, it sounds like an easy way to make money. So what if a pervert does your goats...you get a piece of 16 million UK pound sterling in return. If you're interested, send Anderson a confirmation, so he can get gratified, and we can get paid.

Incredibly, Coles sent this to both me and Anderson:

call me at 44 702 405 6119 we need discuss

I waited a couple days, and replied thus to Coles and Anderson:

Well? Sam, are you getting your goat? Martin, are we getting paid?

That got me no further contact with Coles.

However, after some time to mull what I'd done to his original email, and how I disseminated it thereafter, I did get one rather tart email from Anderson:

f*** off. U are look for trouble. African mercenaries will arrest you see who laugh then ok

I couldn't resist:

Oh, okay...I see how it is: you ask me to arrange for you to sodomize goats, and now you welsh on my commission, eh? Fine. See if I arrange any more goat trysts for you. And that goes for your goat-poking mercenaries, too.

So there. No more deals for him. He can goat f*** himself ;-)

Randomosities Wunst Agin

It was time, wunst agin, to let mental randomosity fly in the face of reason, and see what sticks to the wall*. Without any foithah adieu:

1. Referring to the photo at right, apparently no one pictured thought about 'taking one for the team'.
1a. That's probably why they weren't in the Doritos Super Bowl commercial or March Madness tournament...*BUZZZER* forfeit.

2. In factoring the schemes of mice and men, men are 5-0.

3. Speaking of March Madness, doesn't it suck when your whole, carefully crafted bracket picks, are unhinged at the outset by a team from a place called "Morehead State"?

4. Bill Maher is desperately vying with Michael Mooron to out-moron each other.

5. Compare the conduct of the Japanese people, directly affected by the 9.0 quake, tsunami, and nuclear power disaster, to the fourteen Democrat Wisconsin state senators and their union thug allies during the Wisconsin state budget crisis. Yeah, I know it's a bad comparison: the latter never even tried to measure up to the former.

6. I have declared a 'no-fly zone' in my apartment, and have a fly swatter to enforce it. Don't even try me, Flyddafi.

7. I was re-certified in CPR/AED the other day. How do they know I 'passed': the dummy's still dead.

8. Being unemployed sucks.
8a. It sucked so much, it made me go get a job.

9. I have some awesome friends and family. Just sayin'.

10. Psoriasis of nasal warts sucks. Glad I don't have it/any.

11. My former employer no longer has to worry about me on April 1.
11a. My new employer does...

12. It is really going to suck if there's no NFL season in 2011.

13. Unluckily for the NFL, I'll just make do with college football ;-)

14. The intellectual quality of the email scammers that I bait has significantly deteriorated.
14a. Now they're almost as stupid as the SEIU.

15. A friend recently told me that she didn't know what she felt like for dinner. I offered to find out.
15a. I didn't get to...

16. Another friend asked me to help her replace a door bell in her house. After I wired it up and was about to test it, the phone rang. I told her I didn't mean to do that. She's still laughing.
16a. She told a friend that she wanted a ding-dong to to fix her ding-dong. She had a point.
16b. It works, despite me.

17. Dammit, I knew I forgot something at the store.
17a. Worse dammit, I can't remember what I forgot.

18. They're holding online tryouts to find a new voice of the AFLAC Duck. Required for all prospective candidates, is on-off the job conduck that is in keeping with what AFLAC considers quacked up to their standards. AFter having just finished an order of Chinese crispy duck, I think I LAC the necessary life conDUCK to take a QUACK at this.
18a. I was out of duct tape, anyway.

19. My car needs gas.
19a. Too bad it can't use what works for me: about anything.

20. A medical research report says that if you're not in shape, sex is three times more likely to kill you.
20a. In shape or not, being hit by a falling safe is a billion times more likely to kill you.
20b. Unless you're animated.

21. So, the dysfunctional Ninth (short) Circuit Court of Appeals has struck down the 2005 'Stolen Valor Act' passed by Congress; in essence, the Court says that lying is protected by the First Amendment.
21a. The next tsunami really needs to take this court.

22. Have you ever tried to make a corsage out of pork rinds? Neither have I.
22a. I'll bet someone has...

23. My toaster fried.
23a. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to thaw frozen manicotti in there...

24. The elderly Chinese delivery dude -- after delivering my last order -- windedly informed me that I have "49 steps" (from parking lot to my door). I told him he needed to look for a shorter intervention program.
24a. He didn't get it...

* maybe it's high time I wipe off the walls..?

Bottomer Of The Barrel

I was wrong...they can get even dumber.

In my last post, the concluding exchange was with a Jennifer Williams, allegedly dying and wanting me to "do God's work" on her behalf, with non-existent money. My reply -- not one to win me friends within N.O.W. -- received an oblivious-to-what-I-writ response (see previous post).

Being the kind, caring, compassionate sort that I ain't, I sent back what I thought might be a *fog-lifting* reply:

Apparently your brain is already dead and you're on life support, with a wildebeest farting in a tube what's keeping you breathing, 'cuz it's obvious you didn't read vewy well what I writ. If you're going to insist upon dragging down the collective IQ in Muguland to a minus 10,000, fine; otherwise, ye might wanna try reading my last response again.

Now, who knows who read my first reply; it's allegedly from a fly-infested internet cafe in Bumfornication, Ghana. But apparently, my follow-up reply was read by someone who was a bit more 'up' on their comprehension skills, if not on their composing ones.

For another email came yesterday, on behalf of Jennifer Williams, from a Dr. Samuel Okoronji (dr.samuelokoronji@yahoo.com), this directed specifically to "Moosefeddahs" (how my email ID reads on this account). Attached to it was this picture, purportedly of the dying Jennifer Williams...exCEPT...that this is the dozenth or so time I received this same photo under various names and scams, and this one was labeled as Mrs Amanda...*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*.

His photoshopping/labelling skills suck, too.

Anyway, "Dr." Okoronji sends me a meant-to-look official email as exactly replicated below:

Savanna Hospital Ltd PO Box CT 5753 Cantonments, Accra

Location: 32 Amugi Ave., Adabraka Accra, Accra, Ghana

Dear Moosefeddahs

i have just writed you because to tell you that you should be asham of what you did write to my dying client mrs jennifer williams an American citizen married to late Dr. Kofi Williams of Ghana who is suffering from cancer and at the verge of dead. why do you make jest to her in her our that need you as Gods servant to do her good works? i wish to you explain how one who fear God can be so much ungodlike to dying person.

Apologeze now you can still do gods work on her half. on the other hand if you are not interest in the humanitaran work for god or you will not carry out her instuctions when the funds arrive you, do not reply.

Dr. Samuel Okoronji

Chief Medical Doctor

Savanna Hopsital

Since the good "Dr" could apparently read better than his brain-dead client, I thought a simple, from the heart reply would git 'er done:

My inept Dr. Okonumbnuts,

Pardom moi, but if you operate as well as you compose, you haven't had a patient make it out of surgery during your entire career. Including the one you butchered above. But I digress.

An apology? Really? Seriously? You really expect -- after reading my first and second responses to your Play-doh-pus client -- that I would deign to actually write a sincere apology, and proceed with you and your bed blob giving me the business? You crack me up. Really. You should apply to The Onion for a job.

But I'll tell you what...you let me know when your client -- whomever she is, since you can't keep her name straight -- becomes compost, and I will mark the calendar for the 50th anniversary of that date. Lots of things are noted at their 50 year anniversaries, and I reckon that I can remember to think about a faux apology on that inauspicious occasion.

Look for an official apology on that date, in 2061.

Until then, f*** off . Oh...and seriously....a wildebeest anal breathing apparatus? Really?

I musta made Dr. Okonumbnuts, and his fly-infested internet cafe clan mad, 'cuz I got this in reply:

you not chistian. you go to hell.

He's right, of course: I'm not chistian. In the words of Rodney Dangerfield, "I'm notta doorknob either, eh...".

How much dumber can they go? Dare I ask that?

Bottom Of The Barrel

I am beginning to think that I have found it, scammer-wise.

I haven't been as frequent a poster or visitor to other blogs, due to job change *stuff* that's thrown my normal schedule askew for the last couple, and next couple weeks. BUT...in the past 10 days, I have received a dozen scams of recognized and assorted variety.

Not having the time to devote to them right now, I still can't forget my manures and NOT respond to something that someone put such effort into crafting. That'd be so ill-manured and gauche. So, I have crafted particularly non sequitur replies to the Ditzy Dozen, in a half-dozen or so slaughtered languages.

I thought that maybe -- as has been my experience over 11 years of this crap -- I'd get one or two responses at best.

But nawp...it is obvious that I am seeing the bottom of the barrel in scammer quality and reading comprehension. I got 7 replies. And not a one of which acknowledged my initial response.

For example: from Mr. Kasimu Jattah (kasimu.jattah2@att.net), I received this brief toe in the water:

Hello, we are sellers of Rough Uncut Diamond stones, gold dust and bar. We can supply you as many as you and your buyer can want buy from us. Right now we have our Rough Uncut Diamond and gold dust bar in the bank of Accra where buyers are allow to view and test. We shall wait to hear soonest from you so we can send our FCO. Regards.

For this one, I responded with no name, in my version of Francais:

Messy bird coup, Monsewer. We we, save ze bone le pastry resistant! Bonechance du jour! Alloiwettah! Viva le crepe Suzette!

That drew a page and a half response that began with: I am gratify to have from you a affirm response of interest to our offer... and continued on with the offer to give me the business, via paying Western Union fees of a few hundred dollars for authentication documents.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZER*....FAIL.

Or, from Cristina Wallace (cw.royalhouseserv@att.net), I get an offer to give me the business through HSBC Private Clients/Royal House Services (UK), involving several million UK pound sterling, by my assuming the next of kin status of a deceased and unnamed client of said bank. Uh huh.

So, as one nameless person to another, I respond in my best Deutsch sprechen:

Ach tu livers! Bitte flieger schiesse undt das hundsfott sprechen barken undt bitten das ankles undt schtuff midde snarlen undt voofen? Awpeterstain, mein Schotzie.

*TOING*...I get another page and a half of explanation of the scam, begunst by I thank you for your positive response to my inquiry which makes for trust in proceeding...

I know that if Cristina Wallace were fluent in Deutsch, she'd not find something positive in references to dirty dogs and flying sh**. *BUZZZZZZZZZZER* Another FAIL.

And here we have a *Proposition* from Barrister Fong Chong (przedszkole.sp@neostrada.pl) that he presents as a repeat of a previous offer that I never got: I am Fong Chong. I am contacting you again to confirm you received my previous email regarding My consent in distributing an amount of 10.6 Million (usd) Kindly revert to this email if you will like to proceed.

What better response to 'revert' than in a lingo that Fong Chong will understand:

Moo goo gai pan, chong dok toyo fung pingu guppy sushi? Gyaaaaaaa!

His response was two pages, begun with I thank you for your revert to my previous offer and assure you that this is 100% risk free to a trusted partner that you have shown yourself to be with your respond.

WT eggroll F? *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*...FAIL!

Then we have Mr. Kumar Solomons -- (solomonkumar@hotmail.com) -- who seeks an international partner to join him and his two partners for investing embezzled funds from the Bank of Gambia (he didn't call them 'embezzled', but overbillings to contractors have to be called something). To him, I roll out my best espanoel:

Boneless nachos, Senor. Que llama no questa los libros en chiapet? Chinga tu madre! Adios.

For those who know Spanish, y'all know how unnice I was here, once past the gibberish. But apparently Kumar didn't:

we are excited to have your reply! followed by a page and a half of how I figure into their giving me the business. Yeah, I know they're (allegedly) from Gambia. But still...*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZER*...El FAIL.

Then I have a guy who isn't sure just who he is...the email arrives from an Alfred Mzanzi (alfred202@att.net), but the name changes in the original offer: I am Mr. Larry Hendrick, a member of Independent Committee of Eminent Persons (ICEP), South Africa. Attached to this email is my proposal. kindly read through?

Ooooh, of COURSE I'm going to open an email attachment from an imperfect stranger! I see *REKCUS* tattooed to my forehead every morning in the mirror (it looks different in the mirror). But, I didn't want to disappoint him, so, in more simple English, I gratify him widdis:

WT painful viral itching F??? What was in that attachment, colon crickets? My computer just developed elephant ears and there's hair growing from my tusks...oh crap, now my nose is a trunk.....mastodon CRAP!!! I'm gonna RIP YOUR NOSE HAIRS OUT, you water buffalo nose-boner!!!

Did Alfred/Larry pay any mind to my response? HA....I get a page plus-long response that begins with Thanks for you response to my proposal which is more like a deal between us...

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER* FAIL of elephantine proportions.

Of course, an alleged Nigerian had to slip one in here somewhere -- the genesis country of email scams -- and Engineer Shola Williams (engrsholawilly@hotmail.com) doesn't disappoint, with the usual money left behind by a contractor in 2004, who was killed with his whole family when his plane crashed into a flying rhinoceros over Nigeria...and of course, I (as an 'undisclosed recipient') have been singled out to help him to secure that money for more personal use. To his two paragraph opening gambit, I try a little of a language I am abysmal with, Russian:

Tovarich, balaklava peredishka borscht, Olga Volga, das vadanya!

That gets me a full page response, led off by Thanks for your e mail that i have just received and the contents are well understood. WTFski????

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER-SKI* FAILski!

And finally -- what has to be the creme de la creme of reading incomprehension -- there is this from Jennifer Williams -- jeniferwilliams01@ladyfire.com -- I get the I am a dying widow who seeks a trustworthy person of God to do my last request for church, the poor, widows and orphans load of crap. She has $5.2 million Usd and need you to act as my agent in doing good with my last earthly wishes, etc. By this time, I am becoming amusingly jaded, and send back a response worded to, I am sure, convey my thoughts on her condition and offer, that leaves little room for ambiguity whatsoever:

About f***ing time, Jennifer. Die already. The 1st Battalion of your local garrison has been wanting to upgrade whores to someone younger and racier, and not endowed with an ass so big that you have to sit down in shifts. Hell, one of their men is still stuck between your cheeks, which is why he hasn't been sought as a deserter. They know where he's stuck, and no one wants to try to rescue him. They will be celebrating when you breathe your last. In the words of our president regarding his own hellthscare plan, "just take a pill" and get it over with, okay?

You're going to say, "you're kidding us, right?" when I say that after I sent that, I expected no reply. But I got one, and it began with I received your email with gratitude to God and I am impressed with you and th ework of God you are doing to serve God by helping me in my final hours.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER* *AHOOOOOOOOOOOOOGA* Mondo FAIL.

Yup...there was a time where those kinds of replies to scammers would get me almost nothing in return. How quality has deteriorated over the years...now, I can write whatever I want in reply, and get more than a 50% response to insult and utter gibberish.

Scammers just ain't what they used to be. Either their quality control has gone union, or...maybe all those scammers were edu-macated in the District of Columbia Public Schools?

Spagettios, Ignite!

I'm tellin' ya, nothing is sacred online anymore.

Good thing I can't access an online kitchen, and I digress...sorta.

During the period of my involuntary career redeployment, I made a good faith effort at making myself a marketable asset, via the various online job search sites. I filled out the information each site required of me, made clear my career preferences, and posted a resume, befitting and representative of my years of recycleable experience.

With one exception, it has availed me job offers of the irrevelant, dubious, and insincere kind.

For instance, let's take this 'un, from Dillon X. Garner at bettoalmeida@hotmail.com, that came to me via CareerBuilder.com. I am going to quote this email perxactly as it was (de)composed and sent to me, so's y'all can share in the ample oversupply of incredulity it delivered me to:

Header: Vacancy for *my name*

To whom it may concern, *my name*.

Our establishment is happy to put forward you the capacity of Restaurant Critic in Market Force . after coming across on your resume at CareerBuilder online. Our personaell department did its best to scrutinize your autobiography and remained to be pleased. We rely that your knowledge will be among our most valuable assets.

NECESARY CRITERIE for be employed:

1. Age: older than 24

2. Internet access

3. 3-5 hours of free time every day for carrying out your professional dutys

4. Certificate of good conduct (I ain't gotz one a them; more on that in a bit).

JOB BENEFIT:

As it goes, Food Writer is an ideal way for employees to gain income in the process of providing feedbag, making comments, making of, commenting out to organization. This is a real challenge for you to ge tto the top of the career rejoicing at things you like above all. For instance, one may eat in restaurant or purchase things in shops reveling in life and helping firm at some time.

RENUMBERATION:

Your every month wages may reach $1,500-2,000.

TIME LIMITATION OF POSITION:

On account of the great amount of entrants for this position, this job is time-bound. So, it is strongly recommended for you to provide us the necessary informations about yourself asAP.

TO BECOME THE MEMBER OF OUR BUSINESS:

1. Please go to our site (it was hyperlinked as Market Force)

2. Register yousel

3. Download *TOING* read examine accurately a agreement and sign it on a compulsory basis (of COURSE I'm going to click on an unknown link for such a well-written email, and download something dubious into my 'puter).

In underwriting this application, you certify that your work will be on at-will basis and abandon any appeals against Market Force and its team (another *TOING* for this poorly-worded disclaimer, and one I find it interesting that they would include before we even get started giving me the business).

ABOUT MARKET FORCE:

Our firm is drawn in collaboration with other coprorations to improve capacity on an international scale by applying anonymous resources. We deal in a team with over 300 organizations internationally. Our main work includes marketing research and cooperation with merchandicing firms, private investigative companies, training organizaitons and other establishments that are drawn in Restaurant Critic services. Our member corporation deal with their clients in order to fix the system of perfecting level of offices (WTF?).

Sounds like a helluva fine career opportunity for one whose spent nearly 35 years in the rather diverse career field of security, eh?

Now, I dunno about you, but I don' much like this unemployment stuff. Zero income contributes to zero bills gettin' paid. And zero bills gettin' paid contributes to lots of phone calls that drives even my voice mail to distraction. So, I reckoned -- yeah, I honestly did do that -- that I had nothing to lose by accepting their kind offer, in the manure to which you've come to expect from yours truly. Here is my professional response:

I am very much please-d to receive your forward of Restaurant Critic in Market Farce. I can see how, after you came across my resume in CareerBuilder online, you would indeed, remain to be pleased. Since -- and herein I note this with speculivity, but am quite soitenty -- to remain to be unpleased, would make for a less than desirable remainance. I think you'd agree. Wag your tail once for yes, twice for no.

As for your employment requirements, I can assert that I am older than 24 by a full and thensome; that I do have internet access, as I am not in Libya; that I have sufficient time to respond herein; and that I can purchase a Certificate of Good Conduct, somewhere. I plan to write off its cost as a 'getting the business' expense.

Personally I would make a helluva Food Writer. With cooked spagetti, I can spell almost anything, given enough space and do-overs. Although...I probably should tell you: I cannot, in good conscience, allow you to select me as a restaurant food critic, before you know the truth: among my unlisted (on the resume) talents, I once blew up a can of Spagettios. There were no survivors.

Really.

My nickname amongst the family is "Chef Boy-R-Dee-structive". I ignite my kitchen so often, my smoke detectors have speed dialing to both the local Fire Department, AND Culinary Barbarians Anonymous. I have more ignitions and lift-offs than NASA. I've actually had an uncooked, headless chicken run from my abode, screaming.

I thought I oughta be up front about that. It's apparent that we'll get along fine, 'cuz I'm as up front about things as you obviously are.

If after reading and digesting all this -- don't wait for the complete digestive process...ewwww -- you still want me to criticize restaurants, I am here to tell you, I'll be happy to. Once I start monumentally bellyaching, I'll bet they give me free food just to get rid of me.

Dang, I like this more and more.

When do I start?

Sometimes, candor's good. Sometimes...it ain't. Guess this time, it ain't: I didn't get the job. Or the business ;-)

Lowering The Bar, One Syntax At A Time

You can argue all you want about the state of public education in this country. In my book, it is what it is (and it ain't what it was a generation ago, especially in the larger inner cities). But when it comes to persons from another country, attempting to use our form of English to give me the business...well, their handlers really need to do a better job of homeworkin' the scammer, before hitting 'send'.

Really.

Granted, I am not an English major. Having never served in Her Majesty's Armed Forces -- at least in this lifetime -- I have no rank, period. BUT...I know a little bit about grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, and the simple basics of math.

Mr. David Kofure/Kofour, "regional manger of Standard Charted Bank of Ghana Takoradi Branch", demonstrates in no uncertain toims, that he does not.

It is germaine to note that my computer only still works at this time, because I was not drinking coffee at it, when I first read Mr. Kofure/Kofour's effort to give me the business.

His email started out presumptuously: GOD BLESS YOU, when I hadn't even sneezed. From there, it went quickly downsyntax. Let me share with you, in all his tortured syllables and cypherin, Mr. Kofure/Kofour's email to yours truly (which came addressed to 'undisclosed recipients):

dear fiends,

my name is Mr.David Kofure.i am regional manger of Standard Charted Bank of Ghana Takoradi Branch in western regon of Ghana.i get your informtions on recent bank conference with other east African countys hold in Johanesburg the city of south African.

iwrite you this poposal in good faith i am a man of peace.i have make package financal transaction will benefit us too, as the regional manger of the Standard Charted Bank it my duty to send a financal report to my head in the city Accra at end of each year.

on course of last year 20100 (WT time-warping F?) i finded my branch in which i am manger maked Three Millon Seven Hunded and thirsty thouand united state dollar ($3,730,000,000.00) which my head are not ware of and i not maked them aware of.

As I said...he gots issues, and not just with basic English as a written lingo...he also gots chronological and decimel dysentery, and he goes stumblingly on..i placed funds on what we call escow call acount with no benefitary as offcer of bank i cannot directy connect to money so i aim contacting you is to assit me recieve money in your bank acount and get you 35% of founds as committed.

there is practcaly no risks involve i swears it, it be a bank to bank transfund and i need from you is to stand claim as orignal deposit of this fund who make deposit to my branch so my head can order transfar to you designate bank acount.

i ask ony you keep this secrit and keeping poposal to you self i thank you.i wish also you note the transferd will take (8) fourteen work days.get backs to me soonest.

I wonder if the scam police in Ghana issue tickets and pull licenses, for scamming under the influence or inexperience?

Ooooooooookay....recognizing that I had a basketcase on my hands, I applied myself in the kindest, gentlest, most compassionate manure that readers h'yar have come to expect from me, by kindly responding, and gently helping him to better give me the business:

Dear Mr. However You spell your last f***ing name (it went two ways),

What in the Ghana f*** am I supposed to do with an email the likes of THIS??? Really??? Did you decompose it with your head firmly inserted in a hippo's ass?

It is obvious that, rather than applying yourself to credibly learn the language you are attempting to give the business from, you have indulged in more narcissistic pursuits, like flatulating and masturbating. Neither of which you could probably spell. And your cypherin' basic math??? I'd say you're dumber than a door knob, but where you live, you probably have no clue what a door knob is. How about a tree stump? Do you have enough deforestation thereabouts, to know what "dumber than a tree stump" means?

I am marking your paper with a geemongus red "F", and returning it to you. A geemongus red "F" means *FAIL*. *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER* *AHOOOOOOOOOOGA* Wrong wrong wrong wrong, you-and-all-those-who-look-remotely-like-you WRONG! Do NOT return this to me for grading or further business-giving consideration, until:

(a) you correct the spelling errors...every last f***ing one of them

(b) you correct the decimel dysentery that separates millions from billions

(c) you know what f***ing year you're reporting on, let alone from, you time-warping lizard hork

(d) you demonstrate you know the difference between 8 and "fourteen", contextually and numerically

and last but certainly not least...

(e) you make your offer to give me the business, of an amount that makes wasting my time getting the business from you, worth wasting my time for.

Add to that, go stand before the class and write on the blackboard, 1,000 times, "I am a GhanaBell dumbass Supreme w/Pepsi". I'll expect a picture of you doing so, as proof.

Get to it, soonest.

Yeah, I know...gave him a sh**load to do there. Small wonder that I haven't heard anything back yet.

He Don' Bewieve I'm Serious

C'mawn...who could POSSIBLY think that when they send me an email, that I won't treat it SERIOUSLY?

The answer is forthcoming.

After a bit of a break in email scammers, I seem to have hit something of a jihad of them. This particular one isn't renowned for what he presented as his effort to give me the business, though the amount of money he offered was impressive. No, this one simply had to be played because of his name.

Yup...his name. The 'Bard once postulated "what's in a name?". My pet rock responded, "duh...letters!". Okay, so Seymour ain't quite got an appreciation for the classics grasped, even though he's older than any of them.

But, with a name like....uh...ready for this? With a name like...I am NOT making this up...Barry Camel, well...I just hadda respond to the *TOING* that rattled the dishes for several city blocks around.

What Barry Camel (bhcam@superposta.com) writ to me (and undisclosed other recipients) about was a fraudulent investment scheme with a front number of $500 Million USD. For my playing along, I would be entitled to 7% interest annual for 5 years. What it would cost me to play...would never be determined. Reason bein', will become evident shortly.

'Cuz after seeing his name -- Barry Camel??? -- I was moved to, not simply respond...I was moved to have some fun with the response. By first, messing with Barry Camel's own email header, in a manner that, if he or his handlers read my reply at all, he simply couldn't miss.

Thus, atop of my reply, the email header for Barry Camel's gambit was massaged as follows:

--- On Mon, 2/21/11, Barry Camel's New 'N Used Camel Lot Esq bhcam@superposta.com wrote:

With the seed thus sown, I responded thus:

Nuh-uh!! Really?? You're HIM??? You're BARRY CAMEL??? THE BARRY CAMEL??? No SH**??? Muddaf***ah, I've seen your TV ads! You're a hoot!! So's your camel sidekick, Yusuf!

Say...since you're the king of camels, I've got some questions, since my current flivver is gettin' up there in mileage:

- What's better: new or used?

- How do you gauge camel mileage on used models?

- One hump or two: which provides a better ride and more cargo room?

- Do your camels come with standard and extended maintenance contracts?

- You guys don't really...uh...use camels as replacements for women, do you? How do you make sure you don't buy one that's been 'ridden' the wrong way?

- Do your camels come in a variety of colors and fabric interiors?

- Do your camels have options, like cup holders?

- Do you have 'green" camels? That is to say, do you have "hybrids", like say a cross between a camel and an alpaca?

- What kind of mileage ranges do your camels get?

- Do you have SUC*, RC**, CC***and SC**** versions?

- Can I get whitewalls?

Please let me know as soon as possible! Dang! BARRY CAMEL!!! I got an email from BARRY CAMEL!!! Dang!

* Sport Utility Camel

** Recreational Camel

*** Convertible Camel

**** Sports Camel

Hey...if some of the scammers can ignore my replies for at least a little while, I reckoned I could get away with ignorning his original message. And it sorta didn't work:

what is wrong with you? what the f*** are you talking about?

In the words of Daily Planet editor Barry White..."who's yo' daddy"....oops, I meant Perry White..."Great Camel's Ghost!", Barry Camel read what I writ!

What's more, he asked what the f*** I was talkin' about. Lessee if I can 'splain it:

What? You're f***ing kidding me, right? You're BARRY CAMEL of BARRY CAMEL'S NEW 'N USED CAMEL LOT, right? I mean, it SAID SO ON YOUR EMAIL HEADER. World renowned purveyor of new and used Middle Eastern traditional transport. As I said, I've seen your TV ads. The one where you do your complete schtick, and it ends with Yusuf, your camel sidekick, mouthing "You'll Never Get A Bad Hump At Barry Camel's!!". Awesome, dude. You should get one of those on the next Super Bowl ad competition, but I digress.

To the Cloud: I am NOT f***ing kidding! I am interested in seein' if you can fix me up with a camel, to replace my aging flivver. What with the price of gas, sh**fire, something more economical would be welcome. So lay it on me: what kinda models have you got that will work for a dude like me? Any chick magnet camels? Y'know, the "midnight at the oasis, send your camel to bed" kind of action that brings out the "harem" in women? Money is almost no option! Let the dickerin' begin!

Dang...apparently, Barry Camel doesn't know the song, the action, or care to further indulge me, 'cuz I ain't payin' attention to his original gambit:

f*** you. dont write more.

Dang. Guess he told me. Of course, you knowd I wouldn't listen:

Dang, Barry Camel, that's very uncustomer service-like of you. Iffen I didn't know better, I'd swear you were affiliated with the folks that took over my former job site! But hey...iffen ya wanna ruin your stateside reputation herebouts, and blow off an opportunity to sell me a clean, low-mileage, well-maintained camel, and broaden your market share....that's your gig. Dang. Tho', I still think Yusuf's kewl. I hope he spits in your cous cous.

Another email scammer thwarted by his not taking my email reply to him seriously. What is the matter with those folks? See this? This is my serious email face...