Bottom Of The Barrel

I am beginning to think that I have found it, scammer-wise.

I haven't been as frequent a poster or visitor to other blogs, due to job change *stuff* that's thrown my normal schedule askew for the last couple, and next couple weeks. BUT...in the past 10 days, I have received a dozen scams of recognized and assorted variety.

Not having the time to devote to them right now, I still can't forget my manures and NOT respond to something that someone put such effort into crafting. That'd be so ill-manured and gauche. So, I have crafted particularly non sequitur replies to the Ditzy Dozen, in a half-dozen or so slaughtered languages.

I thought that maybe -- as has been my experience over 11 years of this crap -- I'd get one or two responses at best.

But nawp...it is obvious that I am seeing the bottom of the barrel in scammer quality and reading comprehension. I got 7 replies. And not a one of which acknowledged my initial response.

For example: from Mr. Kasimu Jattah (kasimu.jattah2@att.net), I received this brief toe in the water:

Hello, we are sellers of Rough Uncut Diamond stones, gold dust and bar. We can supply you as many as you and your buyer can want buy from us. Right now we have our Rough Uncut Diamond and gold dust bar in the bank of Accra where buyers are allow to view and test. We shall wait to hear soonest from you so we can send our FCO. Regards.

For this one, I responded with no name, in my version of Francais:

Messy bird coup, Monsewer. We we, save ze bone le pastry resistant! Bonechance du jour! Alloiwettah! Viva le crepe Suzette!

That drew a page and a half response that began with: I am gratify to have from you a affirm response of interest to our offer... and continued on with the offer to give me the business, via paying Western Union fees of a few hundred dollars for authentication documents.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZER*....FAIL.

Or, from Cristina Wallace (cw.royalhouseserv@att.net), I get an offer to give me the business through HSBC Private Clients/Royal House Services (UK), involving several million UK pound sterling, by my assuming the next of kin status of a deceased and unnamed client of said bank. Uh huh.

So, as one nameless person to another, I respond in my best Deutsch sprechen:

Ach tu livers! Bitte flieger schiesse undt das hundsfott sprechen barken undt bitten das ankles undt schtuff midde snarlen undt voofen? Awpeterstain, mein Schotzie.

*TOING*...I get another page and a half of explanation of the scam, begunst by I thank you for your positive response to my inquiry which makes for trust in proceeding...

I know that if Cristina Wallace were fluent in Deutsch, she'd not find something positive in references to dirty dogs and flying sh**. *BUZZZZZZZZZZER* Another FAIL.

And here we have a *Proposition* from Barrister Fong Chong (przedszkole.sp@neostrada.pl) that he presents as a repeat of a previous offer that I never got: I am Fong Chong. I am contacting you again to confirm you received my previous email regarding My consent in distributing an amount of 10.6 Million (usd) Kindly revert to this email if you will like to proceed.

What better response to 'revert' than in a lingo that Fong Chong will understand:

Moo goo gai pan, chong dok toyo fung pingu guppy sushi? Gyaaaaaaa!

His response was two pages, begun with I thank you for your revert to my previous offer and assure you that this is 100% risk free to a trusted partner that you have shown yourself to be with your respond.

WT eggroll F? *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*...FAIL!

Then we have Mr. Kumar Solomons -- (solomonkumar@hotmail.com) -- who seeks an international partner to join him and his two partners for investing embezzled funds from the Bank of Gambia (he didn't call them 'embezzled', but overbillings to contractors have to be called something). To him, I roll out my best espanoel:

Boneless nachos, Senor. Que llama no questa los libros en chiapet? Chinga tu madre! Adios.

For those who know Spanish, y'all know how unnice I was here, once past the gibberish. But apparently Kumar didn't:

we are excited to have your reply! followed by a page and a half of how I figure into their giving me the business. Yeah, I know they're (allegedly) from Gambia. But still...*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZER*...El FAIL.

Then I have a guy who isn't sure just who he is...the email arrives from an Alfred Mzanzi (alfred202@att.net), but the name changes in the original offer: I am Mr. Larry Hendrick, a member of Independent Committee of Eminent Persons (ICEP), South Africa. Attached to this email is my proposal. kindly read through?

Ooooh, of COURSE I'm going to open an email attachment from an imperfect stranger! I see *REKCUS* tattooed to my forehead every morning in the mirror (it looks different in the mirror). But, I didn't want to disappoint him, so, in more simple English, I gratify him widdis:

WT painful viral itching F??? What was in that attachment, colon crickets? My computer just developed elephant ears and there's hair growing from my tusks...oh crap, now my nose is a trunk.....mastodon CRAP!!! I'm gonna RIP YOUR NOSE HAIRS OUT, you water buffalo nose-boner!!!

Did Alfred/Larry pay any mind to my response? HA....I get a page plus-long response that begins with Thanks for you response to my proposal which is more like a deal between us...

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER* FAIL of elephantine proportions.

Of course, an alleged Nigerian had to slip one in here somewhere -- the genesis country of email scams -- and Engineer Shola Williams (engrsholawilly@hotmail.com) doesn't disappoint, with the usual money left behind by a contractor in 2004, who was killed with his whole family when his plane crashed into a flying rhinoceros over Nigeria...and of course, I (as an 'undisclosed recipient') have been singled out to help him to secure that money for more personal use. To his two paragraph opening gambit, I try a little of a language I am abysmal with, Russian:

Tovarich, balaklava peredishka borscht, Olga Volga, das vadanya!

That gets me a full page response, led off by Thanks for your e mail that i have just received and the contents are well understood. WTFski????

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER-SKI* FAILski!

And finally -- what has to be the creme de la creme of reading incomprehension -- there is this from Jennifer Williams -- jeniferwilliams01@ladyfire.com -- I get the I am a dying widow who seeks a trustworthy person of God to do my last request for church, the poor, widows and orphans load of crap. She has $5.2 million Usd and need you to act as my agent in doing good with my last earthly wishes, etc. By this time, I am becoming amusingly jaded, and send back a response worded to, I am sure, convey my thoughts on her condition and offer, that leaves little room for ambiguity whatsoever:

About f***ing time, Jennifer. Die already. The 1st Battalion of your local garrison has been wanting to upgrade whores to someone younger and racier, and not endowed with an ass so big that you have to sit down in shifts. Hell, one of their men is still stuck between your cheeks, which is why he hasn't been sought as a deserter. They know where he's stuck, and no one wants to try to rescue him. They will be celebrating when you breathe your last. In the words of our president regarding his own hellthscare plan, "just take a pill" and get it over with, okay?

You're going to say, "you're kidding us, right?" when I say that after I sent that, I expected no reply. But I got one, and it began with I received your email with gratitude to God and I am impressed with you and th ework of God you are doing to serve God by helping me in my final hours.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER* *AHOOOOOOOOOOOOOGA* Mondo FAIL.

Yup...there was a time where those kinds of replies to scammers would get me almost nothing in return. How quality has deteriorated over the years...now, I can write whatever I want in reply, and get more than a 50% response to insult and utter gibberish.

Scammers just ain't what they used to be. Either their quality control has gone union, or...maybe all those scammers were edu-macated in the District of Columbia Public Schools?