Spagettios, Ignite!

I'm tellin' ya, nothing is sacred online anymore.

Good thing I can't access an online kitchen, and I digress...sorta.

During the period of my involuntary career redeployment, I made a good faith effort at making myself a marketable asset, via the various online job search sites. I filled out the information each site required of me, made clear my career preferences, and posted a resume, befitting and representative of my years of recycleable experience.

With one exception, it has availed me job offers of the irrevelant, dubious, and insincere kind.

For instance, let's take this 'un, from Dillon X. Garner at bettoalmeida@hotmail.com, that came to me via CareerBuilder.com. I am going to quote this email perxactly as it was (de)composed and sent to me, so's y'all can share in the ample oversupply of incredulity it delivered me to:

Header: Vacancy for *my name*

To whom it may concern, *my name*.

Our establishment is happy to put forward you the capacity of Restaurant Critic in Market Force . after coming across on your resume at CareerBuilder online. Our personaell department did its best to scrutinize your autobiography and remained to be pleased. We rely that your knowledge will be among our most valuable assets.

NECESARY CRITERIE for be employed:

1. Age: older than 24

2. Internet access

3. 3-5 hours of free time every day for carrying out your professional dutys

4. Certificate of good conduct (I ain't gotz one a them; more on that in a bit).

JOB BENEFIT:

As it goes, Food Writer is an ideal way for employees to gain income in the process of providing feedbag, making comments, making of, commenting out to organization. This is a real challenge for you to ge tto the top of the career rejoicing at things you like above all. For instance, one may eat in restaurant or purchase things in shops reveling in life and helping firm at some time.

RENUMBERATION:

Your every month wages may reach $1,500-2,000.

TIME LIMITATION OF POSITION:

On account of the great amount of entrants for this position, this job is time-bound. So, it is strongly recommended for you to provide us the necessary informations about yourself asAP.

TO BECOME THE MEMBER OF OUR BUSINESS:

1. Please go to our site (it was hyperlinked as Market Force)

2. Register yousel

3. Download *TOING* read examine accurately a agreement and sign it on a compulsory basis (of COURSE I'm going to click on an unknown link for such a well-written email, and download something dubious into my 'puter).

In underwriting this application, you certify that your work will be on at-will basis and abandon any appeals against Market Force and its team (another *TOING* for this poorly-worded disclaimer, and one I find it interesting that they would include before we even get started giving me the business).

ABOUT MARKET FORCE:

Our firm is drawn in collaboration with other coprorations to improve capacity on an international scale by applying anonymous resources. We deal in a team with over 300 organizations internationally. Our main work includes marketing research and cooperation with merchandicing firms, private investigative companies, training organizaitons and other establishments that are drawn in Restaurant Critic services. Our member corporation deal with their clients in order to fix the system of perfecting level of offices (WTF?).

Sounds like a helluva fine career opportunity for one whose spent nearly 35 years in the rather diverse career field of security, eh?

Now, I dunno about you, but I don' much like this unemployment stuff. Zero income contributes to zero bills gettin' paid. And zero bills gettin' paid contributes to lots of phone calls that drives even my voice mail to distraction. So, I reckoned -- yeah, I honestly did do that -- that I had nothing to lose by accepting their kind offer, in the manure to which you've come to expect from yours truly. Here is my professional response:

I am very much please-d to receive your forward of Restaurant Critic in Market Farce. I can see how, after you came across my resume in CareerBuilder online, you would indeed, remain to be pleased. Since -- and herein I note this with speculivity, but am quite soitenty -- to remain to be unpleased, would make for a less than desirable remainance. I think you'd agree. Wag your tail once for yes, twice for no.

As for your employment requirements, I can assert that I am older than 24 by a full and thensome; that I do have internet access, as I am not in Libya; that I have sufficient time to respond herein; and that I can purchase a Certificate of Good Conduct, somewhere. I plan to write off its cost as a 'getting the business' expense.

Personally I would make a helluva Food Writer. With cooked spagetti, I can spell almost anything, given enough space and do-overs. Although...I probably should tell you: I cannot, in good conscience, allow you to select me as a restaurant food critic, before you know the truth: among my unlisted (on the resume) talents, I once blew up a can of Spagettios. There were no survivors.

Really.

My nickname amongst the family is "Chef Boy-R-Dee-structive". I ignite my kitchen so often, my smoke detectors have speed dialing to both the local Fire Department, AND Culinary Barbarians Anonymous. I have more ignitions and lift-offs than NASA. I've actually had an uncooked, headless chicken run from my abode, screaming.

I thought I oughta be up front about that. It's apparent that we'll get along fine, 'cuz I'm as up front about things as you obviously are.

If after reading and digesting all this -- don't wait for the complete digestive process...ewwww -- you still want me to criticize restaurants, I am here to tell you, I'll be happy to. Once I start monumentally bellyaching, I'll bet they give me free food just to get rid of me.

Dang, I like this more and more.

When do I start?

Sometimes, candor's good. Sometimes...it ain't. Guess this time, it ain't: I didn't get the job. Or the business ;-)