Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Online Job Scams -- The Love Boat It Ain't

My character got an online job offer from Princess Cruise Lines Australia.

Uh huh.

The "cruise line" -- with emphasis unknowingly on "line" -- needs gullible people to think they're getting a really cushy job down under.

And when they pay the processing fees, they find themselves SS Minnowed.

My pet rock, Seymour -- who claims to have spent time as ballast on the Nina, the Pinta or the Stinky -- thought he had the perfect edit for this scam job email.  Perhaps Captain Bligh will agree.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"

Uh...that wasn't the Captain or Tennille.  At any rate, here's the job "offer" as received:

Princess Cruise Line Australia Office
393 Gympie Road Kedron
4031 WA 6007 Australia 
 
Website: www.princess.com.au   
 
JOB ID: PCL /AU /00445-16
 
Mail your CV TO (c) Princesscruisejobapplication@yandex.com       

Complements of the season; We want to inform you that we are hiring candidates to fill the available positions in our company Princess Cruise Line [Gympie Road Kedron QLD WA 393 Australia
]
It’s Princess Cruise Line policy not to discriminate against any employee or applicant for employment because of RACE, COLOR, RELIGION, SEX, NATIONAL ORIGIN, AGE, DISABILITY, MARITAL OR VETERAN STATUS.

TERMS AND CONDITIONS:

1. Accommodation                Provided by company

2. Ticket to Australia           Provided by company (Including during Vacation)

3. Medical                              provided by company.

4. Transportation                 provided by company.

5. Working hours                  8a.m----5p.m [Mon--Fri]

6. Vacation                            60 days every year

7. Salary                                 USD $25 per hour (USD $5700 Per Month)

8. Contract                             6 months, 1 year & 2 years

9. Extra time                         USD $31 per hour

10. Insurance and Pension   According to Australia Labour laws


the management will secure a visa/working permit for any qualified applicant. VISA FEE, ACCOMMODATION & FLIGHT TICKET will be paid by the company
 
Do you have a dream working in Australia? We have more than 220 different positions available, Junior Auditor, Accountant, Controller, Computerized Accounting, Staff Accountant, Salon Manager, Assistant Salon Manager, Beautician, Hair Stylist, Message Therapist, Aerobic and Fitness Instructors, Casino Manager, Assistant Casino Manager, Casino Dealer, Minister, Rabbi, Cruise Staff, Gentlemen Dance Host, Youth Activities Coordinator, Fitness Instructor, Hostess, Administrative Assistant, Safety Officer, Security Personnel, Radio Officer ,Deck Utility man, Deck Hand, Deck Cadet, Chief Engineer, Staff Chief Engineer, First Engineer, Second Engineer, Third Engineer, Junior Third Engineer, Hotel Service Engineer, Chief Electrical Engineer
Electrical Engineer, Electronic Engineer, Electronic Engineer Junior, Engine Storekeeper, (Engine Utility Man) Guest Entertainer, Production Manager, Food and Beverage, Assistant Food and Beverage Director, Restaurant Manager, Head Waiter Waitress, Jr. Waiter, Dining Room Manager, Dining room Waiter Waitress, Dining room Buffet Man, Restaurant Hostess, Bar Manager, Assistant Bar Manager, Bar Supervisor, Assistant Bar Supervisor, Bar Accountant, Bar Waiter Waitress, Bartender, Bar Steward & Stewardess, Snack Steward Stewardess, Bar Utility, Bar Boy, Buffet Steward & Stewardess, Gift Shop Manager, Assistant Shop Manager, Retail Sales Person, Florist Computer Technician, Junior Assistant Purser, Crew Purser, Assistance Crew Purser, Receptionist, Guest Service Coordinator, Guest Service Associate, Hotel Assistant, Housekeeper, Floor Supervisor, Head Room Steward, Cabin Steward Stewardess, Assistant Cabin Steward Stewardess, Bell Boy, Utility Cleaner, Human Resources Manager, Training and Development Manager, Crew Staff Administration, Crew Staff Administration Assistant, Shipboard information Systems Manager, Coordinator Computer Desktop Applications, Computer Accounting Applications, Computer Maintenance, Computer Applications, Computer System Hardware Technician, Computer System Administration Manager, Internet Manager, Chief Doctor, Crew Doctor, Nurse Practitioner, Chief Nurse, Nurse Photo Manager, Assistant Photo Manager, Photographer, Junior Photographer.
 
In other to be considered for any of the positions, we need the following from you:
 
1.    Cover letter (1 page maximum).
 
2.    Curriculum Vitae (Resume).
 
3.    Certificate and reference letters.
 
4.    Available date.
 
5.      Passport or National Id number.
 
6.      Position applying for. 
 
Thanks & Regards
 
Management                 

Princess Cruise Line
Princess Cruise Line Australia

Needless to say, that ain't what it resembled when it went back to the prospective "employers":


From: cruisemarmotbarsoffer@daum.net on behalf of Cruise Bestiality Lines Info
Sent: Sunday, December 25, 2016 3:36 PM
To: Princesscruiselineapplication@yandex.com
Subject: Tom Cruise Admits Slyentoxity is Scam Job Vacancy


Jester Cruise Line Australia Office
393 Barbie Getting Shrimped Road Kedron
4031 WA 6007 Australia
Website: www.wankerposeidonedonus.arg
JOB ID: PCL /WTF /00445-16
Mail your cockamamie app TO (c) Princesscruisejobapplication@yandex.com

Complements of the season; this season our complement is what's a bloody wog like you doing applying in a whacking great cockup like this? We want to inform you and anything that looks like you that we are soliciting candidates to fill the available positions in our fauxcompany Jester Cruise Line [Barbie Getting Shrimped Road Kedron QLD WA 393 Australia]
It’s Jester Cruise Line policy to discriminate against any employee or applicant for employment because of about any ruddy reason we bloody well make up, wanker.



TERMS AND CONDITIONS:
1. Accommodation We're a f**king cruise line, not a landlord, Douche Canoe
2. Ticket to Australia Provided by the makers of Phfffft Asure and The Kardashian Tampon Mouth Insert (Including during bowel eVacation)
3. Medical provided by a cross eyed, six fingered vet that failed colostomy 101
4. Transportation provided by the 2018 Liechtensteinian Goat Rowing Team
5. Working hours Nothing here has worked since 1947...but we keep working on that
6. Vacation All the time...it just ain't paid
7. Celery by the stalk, and you don't even have to pick it the first year
8. Contract whatever diseases are about at assordid ports of crawl, when Somalian pilates aren't yo ho hoing our f**king boats
9. Extra time if your watch has it, we'll take it from you and give it to others less timely; that's ruddy socialism, wanker
10. Insurance and Pension you'll probably need the former; WTF regarding the latter

 
the mismanagement will secure a place in the hysterectomy books, and little else.


Do you have a dream working in Australia? We have more than 220 different ways to make it a ruddy bloomin' nightmare.
 
The following positions do not exist in our company: (just recall the previous list from the original) 
 
 
You can, however, be considered for the position of Wanker First Class. Them we can never get enough of. Oh: and to the wench what lost the American election, we revoke our pay to play donation.
 
In other to be considered for any of the positions, we need the following from you or a North Dakotan douche nozzle that looks like you:
 
1. What Positions Can You Assume (bend over, etc)
2. Curriculum Ack Phooey (Resume)
3. Certified F**k Story with somewhat literate reference letters (we're partial to "A" "S" "H" "O" "L" "E")
4. Available date (we have a couple 'roos that are lonely)
5. Passport or other brand of scotch
6. Position most frequently assumed (include pictures if anatomically possible)
 
Thanks & Piss Up A Rope
Mismanagement

Jester Cruise Line
Jester Cruise Line Australia
"You want to go to sea with us? You MUST be joking!"

  
My pet rock had momentary delusions of sailing the seven seas as a celebrated passenger and not as ballast; alas, after that edit, he'd be lucky to draw a ballast assignment.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!"

Okay, maybe as a motor mate 2nd.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

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1 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

You can always sail first class on our vessel Seymour. I'm just saying.

I think you did a mighty fine job on this edit.

Have a fabulous day. My best to your dad and Element. ☺

15 February, 2017 09:03  

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