Sunday, November 8, 2015

Ways To Git Certificates From Nigeria

The scammer....not so much.

For only $200, I coulda got me a "money laundering and anti-terrorism certificate", which would have cleared the way for me to get an ATM card from the IMF worth $7.3 or so million dollars.

Uh huh.

From Nigeria.

Uh huh.

Here's a piece of the original action, as sent my character(s) by Sean Hagan, an authentic Irish Nigerian:


This is to inform you that the international Monetary Fund (IMF) has today intercepted a debit card valued at US$7,306,515 (Seven Million, three hundred and six thousand, five hundred and fifteen United States Dollars) from Bank of America. It is to be placed ON-HOLD until you provide a money Laundering and Anti-terrorist Certficate. The card was sent by the Central Bank of Nigeria.We  have verified the card to be as a result of your UK National Lottery win. However, we would need a money laundery certificate and Anti-terrorist Certficate from Nigeria, indicating you are cleared of any money Laundery and terrorist Charges. It is to be obtained from the Federal High Court of Nigeria. We have also verified the card to be true and original. You are advised to contact the, Director of Legal Department, General Counsel Sean Hagan for the details on how to obtain your money Laundery and Anti-terrorist Clearance Certificate which will enable us release the card to you.  Sean Hagan’s email is (  seanhagan@imf-usa.ee.tn ). 
 
NB: The certificate will cost you $200 to obtain from Nigeria. Email him and ask him how you can send him the $200 in Nigeria to obtain the certificate  
 
 
Yup.  Well, my character(s) didn't respond promptly or well to this, so I got an email that repeated the above, but entitled "Your Debit Card has been stopped". 
 
Uh huh.
 
I would submit that, after this edit, the debit card is more than stopped:
 
 

Your Debit Card has stopped breathing.
On Wednesday, August 5, 2015 12:31 AM, International Morontary Fungus <info@imf.com> wrote:



This is to inform you that the international Morontary Fungus (IMF) has today pronounced an ATM card in your name DAID.  Yup.  Corpsified.  No vital signs. 

It collapsed while trying to make it from the counterfeiter h'yar in Nigeria to the FedUp office in Lagos.  CPR was called for, but none of us knowd it.  An AED was called for, but all we had was IUDs from panned unparenthood and IEDs from isis.  *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*  We tried a prayer rug made from a land mine, but all that's doing is sending prophets through the ceiling.
Nyuk.
An autopsy is pending, though we don't expect to learn much from it...if you'd seed the frawg we dissected in biology class, you'd know why.
So we thinkin' about making you another 'un, but is you is or is you ain't to git one depends on until you provide a money Laundering and Anti-terrorist Certficate.
Spencer's ain't got 'em so, don't even go there.  Same with Hallmark.
You has three options on gittin' you one of them thangs:  (a) you can pay me $200 and I'll forge you one; (b) you can pay me nothing and make up your own; (c) you can kiss my ass if you choose (b).
However, we would need a money laundery certificate and Anti-terrorist Certficate from Nigeria, because in our laundery we gots a mismatched pair of certificates, and we'd rather not go out in public wearing mismatched certificates.
 One way this can't be resolved is to be obtain it from the Federal High Court of Nigeria.  But they're all illiterate.  We have also verified the card to be true and originally a box top from a tampon box.   This might only matter on msnbc.
 
You are advised to contact the, Director of Legal Hookanooskery, General Counsel Sean Hagan -- yeah, we have Irish names in Nigerian email scams -- for the details on how to obtain your money Laundery and Anti-terrorist Clearance Certificate without you resorting to (b) so you won't have to kiss my ass.
It's unwashed, so you really don' wanna.
Sean Hagan’s email is (  seanhagan@imf-usa.ee.tn ).  He also loves questions about his dubious antecedence. 

NB: The certificate will cost you $200 to obtain from Nigeria. Make your own is way cheaper and about as effective.  Email him and ask him to wash his ass if you're going to resort to (b).  

Spank you
International Morontary Fungus
 
 
Thus far, I've received no reply from the Irish Nigerian scammer or his dubious antecedents.  Spencer's is thinking about cashing in on them certificates, though...
 
Uh huh.
 

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1 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahahahaha. I've never seen a debit card with that kind of bling. I'm guessing anyone that falls for this won't either.

Have a fabulous day Mike. My best to Seymour. ☺

08 November, 2015 09:50  

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