Boardumb

Scammers are so much like the DNC these days; the worst of whatever they can be.

 

 

Yet another effort by scammers to represent themselves as the Federal Reserve with another 'bonanza' for my character:

 

 

This is to officially inform you that Bank Federal Reserve Board
New York Branch has concluded in the meeting today over your long
overdue contract payment and agreed that your payment worth  of
US$10.500,000.00 will be transferred directly into your preferred
Bank account without any delay from any office.

However, you are further advised to know that all arrangement has been
completed for the immediate transfer of your fund, you have to reply
back to us as soon as possible with the below DATA’ to enable the Federal
Reserve Bank to proceed with the immediate wire to your Bank account.

Based on article of association and memorandum of association, the
Federal Reserve controlling agency of USA and your happiness suits our
stand and we will make sure that your fund is fully endorsed to your
bank account as soon as you have comprehended with our instructions.

Finally, this is very urgent and important the bank are waiting to hear
from you right away today, Bear in mind that the fastest Wire Transfer
is Electronic Transfer which only takes just 3 hours to reflect in Account
and Swift Wire transfer takes 5 hours to remit.

NB: THIS TRANSACTION IS BEING MONITORED BY THE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA GOVERNMENT IN ORDER TO GUARDS US FROM INTERNET IMPOSTORS.

(Designated Bank account details for Electronic Transfer to avoid mistake
or should in case you created a new account)

Your Bank Name:
Your Bank Address:
Your Account Number:
Your Routing Number:
Your Occupation:
Your Mobile Phone:

Note That Because Of Impostors, We Hereby Issued You Our Code Of
Conduct, Which Is (FRB-2019) So You Have To Indicate This Code When
replying back to us By Using It As Your Subject.

Reply back to us accordingly; The Bank Wait For Your Expedite Response.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Shyam Srinivasan
Chief Executive Officer of Federal Reserve Bank
Contact E-mail: ( federalbank166@gmail.com )
Contact phone number: +1 (860) 421-1506   

 

 

Riiiiight.

 

My pet rock, Seymour, couldn't resist at poking a little fun at both the scam and the DNC, who need little help these days in making themselves look like laughing stocks.  But Seymour's always willing to help out when it comes to the DNC:

 

 

 

From: Mr. Shazam Srinivasan <officeinfo410@yahoo.com>
Sent: Friday, October 4, 2019 1:59 PM
Subject: Federal Reserve Is Bored And Doing Silly Things About It

 

ADDRESS: 33 LIBERTY STREET,
NEW YORK, N.Y 10038.

ATTN:

This is to officially inform you that New York Branch of the

Federal Reserve Is Bored And Doing Silly Things About It. 

Yes, they are.

They has concluded in the meeting today over your long
underwear and why you opted for the kind with no trap door.

This is cornfusing to them without any delay from any office.

However, you are further advised to know that all arrangement has been
complicated by rickets, painful rectal itch and demeaning plebney; you

have to reply back to us as soon as possible with remedial actions you

intend on taking to enable the rather bored Federal Reserve to proceed

with something constructive to do.

 Based on article of association and memorandum of association, the
Federal Reserve controlling agency of USA and your Ouija board suits our
witch doctor's lemonade stand and we will make sure that his spells are

available without spell check as soon as you have comprehended with

our instructions.  Comprehension being nine-tenths of the problem in

Azerbaijan and 100% of the problem in the ignorance-awash DNC.

 Finally, this is very urgent and important:  Adam Schiff is an abject

moron.  

 

 NB: THIS EMAIL THREAD IS BEING MONITORED BY TRAINED MONKEYS OF
THE DNC IN ORDER TO GUARDS US FROM INTELLIGENCE.

What is needed now is:

Your Name:
Your Address:
Your Number:
Your Other Number:
Your Occupation Or Last Time You Wuz Occupied:
Your Phone Unless It's A Flip Phone Then Pound Sand You Technosaur:

Note That Because Of Intellectual Impostors -- which is all the DNC has --

We Hereby Issued You Our Code Of Misconduct, Which Is (WTF-2019) So

You Have To Indicate This Code When farting in an elevator with two or

more cows who'll know it was you As Your Subject.

 Reply back to us accordingly; The DNC Wait For Your Expedite Response.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Shazam Srinivasan
Chief Executive Officer of Federal Reserve That Is Bored And Doing Silly Things About It
Contact E-mail: ( federalbank166@gmail.com )
Contact phone number: +1 (860) 421-1506

 

 

Strangely (not), the scammer had nothing further to say, recognizing a dead end on this one.

 

 

The DNC will probably subpoena this blog to question it about Bidumb's Ukraine connections.  Seymour will be all over that.

 

 



Like Air Out Of A Balloon

...or like sands through the hour glass, so go the scams of our lives.

Something like that.

Nothing deflates a scammer faster than undermining their template with an unexpected reply.

Here's how easy it sometimes is:


NIGERIA NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION
NNPC Towers, Central Business District,
Herbert Macaulay Way,
P.M.B. 190, Garki, Abuja.www.nnpc.ng.org                                                
                                                    LETTER OF INQUIRY

Attention: Sir/Madam,

Sir, we wrote to inquire from you if you send Mr. Raymond Knorr who claimed to be your partner to our office, who has applied for the release of your contract funds to him.

Your contract fund that has been approved to be released to you is $29m (Twenty Nine Million United States dollars only) through the office of the accountant general of Nigerian National Petroleum Cooperation (NNPC) upon the receipt of the signed contract award documents as required by the law.

 His account details are stated below:

ACCOUNT NAME: ....................Mr. Raymond Knorr
ACCOUNT NUMBER: ................32231768
SORT CODE:................................. 601939
IBAN:.......................................... GB45NWBK60193932231768
SWIFT CODE: ............................BICNWBKGB2L
BANK NAME: .............................NATWEST BANK.
BANK ADDRESS: .......................69 BROADWAY SOUTHALL, MIDDLESEX UB1 LD.

You are urgently required to respond to this message within twelve hours so that we will proceed in preparing and handing him over your documents or get him arrested if he is an impostor.

Your urgent attention is required.

Yours faithfully,
Engr. Issah Ahmed  


My character decides the best response is...well, this one:


Yes, Mr. Raymond Knorr is authorized to take charge of this fund.   Anything else?  


That was not the response the scammer expected.  Thus thrown off his template, his confused response:

 
Can you send us an authorization letter regarding that for official effect?  


Indeed I can:

To:     NIGERIA NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION
           NNPC Towers, Central Business District,
           Herbert Macaulay Way,
           P.M.B. 190, Garki, Abuja.
                                                
From:     Jack N. Ewehoff, Esq.

Subj:       LETTER OF CERTIFICATION

Attention: Sir/Madam,

As requested, I am hereby responding with a letter of certification that hereby authorizes the following person -- Mr. Raymond Knorr -- as designated recipient of  $29m (Twenty Nine Million United States dollars only) through the office of the accountant general of Nigerian National Petroleum Cooperation (NNPC) upon the receipt of the signed contract award documents as required by the law.

 His account details are stated below:

ACCOUNT NAME: ....................Mr. Raymond Knorr
ACCOUNT NUMBER: ................32231768
SORT CODE:................................. 601939
IBAN:.......................................... GB45NWBK60193932231768
SWIFT CODE: ............................BICNWBKGB2L
BANK NAME: .............................NATWEST BANK.
BANK ADDRESS: .......................69 BROADWAY SOUTHALL, MIDDLESEX UB1 LD.

You are hereby authorized to release the aforementioned funds to Mr. Raymond Knorr without further delay.  

 

 

This is not at all the response the scammer anticipated:

 

 

Are you sure?  

 

 

Absolutely sure.  100% sure.  Positive beyond all doubt sure.  

 

 

this is most unexpected  

 

 

I can tell.  For him too probably.

 

 

are you sure this is how you go?  

 

 

In this matter, yes, I am sure this how I go.  In other matters, it depends on how you mean "go".  

 

 

That ended the correspondence between us but not, I'm sure, the deflation that accompanied the Scams of Our Lives....

Scammer Pissed

Another day, another scammer pretending to be a US Army officer in Afghanistan with a found stash of cash that he "wants to share".

*snort*

Here's the latest in a long line of such abject nonsense:

My name is  Major Austin Miller. I am an American soldier, presently in Afghanistan for the training, advising the Afghan forces and also helping in stabilizing the country against security challenges. With a very desperate need for assistance, I have decided to contact you for your kind assistance to move the sum of (US$48,000,000.00) forty Eight Million United States Dollars to you if I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete my service. Some money in various currencies was discovered in boxes at a farmhouse during a rescue operation we conducted in one of the attacks by the terrorists and it was agreed by my colleagues and I that some part of this money be shared among us.

 

The above figure was given to me as my share, and to conceal this kind of money became a problem for me, so with the help of a British doctor working with Red Cross, I was able to get the package out to a safe location entirely out of trouble spot. he does not know the real content of the package, and believes that it belongs to a American medical doctor who died in a raid here in Afghanistan, and before giving up, trusted me to hand over the package to his Family. 

I have now found a much secured way of getting the package out of Afghanistan to you for pick up and I will discuss this with you when I am sure that you are willing to assist me. I am ready to compensate you with 35% of the $48 million USD for your assistance. 

I do not know how long we will remain here, and I have been shot, wounded and survived two suicide bomb attacks by the special grace of God, this and other reasons I will mention later has prompted me to reach out for help. 

Please contact me as soon as possible with the following details: 

Full Name:

Full Address:

Tel/cell numbers:

Occupation:

 

God Bless you as I look forward to your positive response 

Truly yours,

Major Austin Miller

US ARMY

Kabul Afghanistan  

 

 

My pet rock, Seymour, isn't much for drinking anything other than bottled water or an occasional beer:

 

But he was all over editing this email from the scammer he referred to as Major Malfunction:

 

 

From: Major Austin Miller <majoraustin@ats.com>
Sent: Friday, September 27, 2019 5:54 AM
To: mail@office.com <mail@office.com>
Subject: From Azerbaijani Wayward Son of Cheeseburger in Afghanistan After Missing Left Toin At Albuquerque

 

Greetings,

 

My name is  Major Achmed Hocktoid Ackphooey. I am an Azerbaijani Wayward Son of Cheeseburger in Afghanistan After Missing Left Toin At Albuquerque.

 

 

That's me on the left.  I'm presently in Afghanistan for having missed the left turn, advising the Afghan forces not to miss that left toin at Albuquerque and also helping myself to copious amounts of camel piss beverage the country is trying to market to Coca Cola, Pepsi or any other beverage maker with a world-wide reach. With a very desperate need for assistance, I have decided to contact you for your kind assistance to move 5000 cases of Muzzie's Camel Piss Delight to you if I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete whatever it is I was supposed to be doing in Liechtenstein, having wound up instead in Afghanistan.

 

 

These cases -- and a nearby distillery operation -- was discovered at a farmhouse during a pillaging operation we conducted in one of the attacks by the terrorists and it was agreed that some part of this vile-tasting brew must have a way to be sold to someone stupid enough to think that it's drinkable.

 

 

The above figure was given to me as my share, and to conceal this large of stash of vile-tasting brew became a problem for me, so with the help of a British doctor working with International Eyes Crossed -- they've obviously drank the stuff too -- I was able to get the cases out to a safe location entirely out of trouble spot. Apparently no one where I'm hiding it has a sense of smell, or they'd know what's in those cases. 

 

 

I have now found a way of getting the cases out of Afghanistan to you for pick up:  I mark it as 'Evidence of Russian Collusion by Trump', and the DNC will foul themselves to help me move all 5000 cases out with expedience.  I will discuss this with you when I am sure that you are as stupid as the democraps. I am ready to compensate you with 0% of the anticipated profits for your assistance. 

 

 

I do not know how long we will remain here; I suppose until I get my travel compass fixed and can find that left toin I missed -- this and other reasons I will mention later has prompted me to reach out for help. 

Please contact me as soon as possible with the following details:

 

Full Name:

Full Address:

Tel/cell numbers:

Occupation:

 

God Bless you if you just sneezed. 

Truly yours,

Major Achmed Hocktoid Ackphooey

NYC 14th Congressional District Branch Office of Antifa

aoc honorary moron

 

 

14th Congressional District NYC  

 

The 'major', upon receiving Seymour's edit, was apparently pissed:

 

F*** you  

 

 

Have you ever put any practical thought in how you'd do that with a geologic anomaly like me?  I'm betting you haven't.  Drink a few more cases of your camel piss beverage and get back to me on the mechanics of it.  

 

 

After that reply, even the 'Major' wanted nothing more to do with my editing pet rock gone wild...

 

 

 

Peas Be With You

Cows are great for exhibitionists.  They make for an attentive audience.  One that doesn't laugh for udderly nothing.

Which brings me to wonder why scammers don't send their scams to cows. 

Perhaps I'll ask one.

Meantime, here's another dying inheritant that started with my character by saying "Peace be with you":


 Peace be with you,

How are you doing today? i hope the good mercy of God is upon you and your lovely family. I know this message might look strange or surprise to you, but please do not disregard this message because i come in peace, with the help of God our father who directed me to you.

I am Miss. Donna Brown, I got your contact on my personal search on a reliable trustworthy person to will my fund to, and you were reviewed to me by the spirit of God. Base on that, i have willed the only fund left in my account to you as i was directed by God, Please, all i want you to do is to use my fund for a charity organization orphanage home for the lesser privilege in your home country.

secondly, if you want to know more details of why I have willed the only funds left in my account to you, please do reply me and i will explain more in details to you, I also need you to keep me in your prayers because right now I am in the hospital taking treatment for my strange illness.

My beloved  one, I want you to understand that this is genuine, as you might think, and bear this in your mind that if I should decieve you or any one today, it will definitely turn against me, if not now definitely in the future to come, because it is said that what goes around comes around. I am a dedicated Christian and I do know the implication of such acts. May the lord bless you as you reach me.

This is my private E-mail:  Missdonnabro41@outlook.com

Thanks as I await your immediate responses.  

My pet rock, Seymour, immediately *TOING*ed at that.  He HATES peas.  He thinks that they are a creation of the devil, to make for nasty projectile vomiting in horror movies.

So he had no problem with tweaking this email scam accordingly:


 From: Missdonna Brown <benjaminosigwe@gmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, September 26, 2019 2:44 AM
Subject: Peas be with you because I won't eat them

Yuk.  Peas.  Did you know that it has been scientifically proven that anyone who has ever eaten peas, dies?  It's in the AMA Journal under Myths of Perpetual Life. 

How are you doing today? i hope the good mercy of having avoided eating peas is upon you and your family. Otherwise you're all dead. 

I know this message might look strange or surprise to you, but please do not disregard this message because i come to warn you about peas, with the help of a Coke bottle and a goat head baphomet who directed me to you.

I am Miss. Donna Brown, I got your contact during my personal search for an abject dolt that may or may not have heard and heeded the warning on eating peas.  Ho ho ho.  Eat them peas.  When a laughing green giant is telling you to 'eat them peas' and laughing while doing so....you best grab some KFC and run.  Base on that, i have contacted you as i was directed by the Coke bottle and goat head baphomet, to see that you avoid eating peas.  Don't eat them peas.  Not even when they are mixed with corn.  That's porn.  Right here in River City.  That ends with c and rhymes with p and it stands for peas.  God, please, all things deified falsely under door mats, don't eat them peas.

Please, all i want you to do is eat chikin, just like the cowz sez in your home country.

Secondly, if you want to know more details of why I have gone out on a limb to warn you about peas, please do reply me and i will be more surprised to see what this email sez than you were to receive it. I also need you to keep me in your prayers because right now I am experiencing a vaginal yeast infection after trying to incubate a loaf of bread in my genital cavity.  Yowza.  What a strange illness.

I want you to assume that this is genuine, as you might think "she just wants my peas", and bear this in your mind that if I should decieve you or any one today, it will definitely turn against me, if not now definitely in the future to come, because it is said that what goes around comes around. I am a democrap socialist and could care less about the implication of such acts.  Crapazoid, I wasn't supposed to write that.

This is my primate's E-mail:  Missdonnabro41@outlook.com
Yes, I have a primate.  He handles all my email.  Badly.  He's not much better with the devices.
Thanks as I await your immediate responses. 

 

 

The scammer had no immediate replies, and may perhaps have even gone on a pea pogrom as a result of this email.

 

Linda Blair is reportedly pissed that she didn't get this memo forty or so years ago...

A Scammer Seeks 'Meaning'...From a Pet Rock

My pet rock, Seymour, has evolved into quite the 'editor gone wild' when it comes to editing email scams.

It left one recent scammer seeking 'meaning'.

It began like this:


My Dear,

Think you can make a lot of difference if we talk , become good friends in our lord , and see that with greater power , comes greater responsibility . You can make a change in the life of others,most especially the poor at heart , and the less privileged. first. I think i would start all with a proper introduction of myself...I am Mrs Caroline Edward, a widow to Late Rolland Edward. I am 65 years old,suffering from long time cancer of the breast . From all indications , my condition is really deteriorating and is quite obvious that I may not live more than four months after my next surgery , because the cancer stage has gotten to a very severe stage . My personal physician told me that I may not live for more than 2 months and I am so scared about it . I have no child of mine , even though i wish i had . It is late now you know , since i can not get married again , and age is no longer on my side.Psalms 119:116 Uphold me according unto thy word, that I may live, and let me not ashamed of my hope.Psalms 138: 7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou will revive me......Psalms 145:18 Psalms 57: 7 My heart is fixed. O God my heart is fixed, I will sing & give praise Psalms 51: 17 The sacrifices of God are broken spirit, a broken & contrite heart, O God thou will not despise. Psalms 41: 1 Blessed is he that considerate the poor, the Lord will deliver him in time of trouble.Two of my favorite verses: Philippians2:27: For indeed he was sick nigh unto death, but God had mercy on him & that on him only, but on me also,lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow.( I always say this in my mind)

So, I now decide to divide part of my wealth, by contributing to the development of the motherless baby homes, needy, poor, charity homes and widows too.i am willing to donate the huge sum of $5 million USD  which is still the major inheritance i have left.i wish you could be someone who i could trust with all my heart,to make this wish of mine come true...Please note that, this fund is lying in a Bank. so i need you to use the funds to help the poor . I know this is hard , and it take a very strong heart to get this done , but you should keep this saying in your heart , I am like Moses in the Bible . He came to the Red Sea and Pharaoh behind him and no way to turn but God delivered him all by a miraculous deliverance . It will be a miracle from God to be able to help all the dear people God has laid on our hearts .

  This is why with God in my heart,i contact you,and i want you to contact me,so we be in contact with all the poor souls out there . Give new lives , hopes and days . I have come to find out that wealth acquisition without Christ is vanity and i hope you will agree with this also . I will be praying hard that Satan will not stop this effort . I will be waiting for your reply by telling me everything about you and your life so as for me to tell you more on what to do to accomplish this mission.

I await your reply.

God bless you

Mother Caroline  

 

Seymour was so moved by this aging template, he simply HAD to buy the company.

 

"Did NOT!!!  PPHFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!"

 

No, but Seymour did create something that left the scammer -- who couldn't appear to make up his/her mind as to which gender pronoun he/she preferred -- a tad nonplussed:

 

 

From: jackwilliam012@yahoo.com <jackwilliam012@yahoo.com>
Sent: Saturday, September 21, 2019 9:29 PM
To: Caroline Edward <jackwilliam012@yahoo.com>
Subject: MAIL THAT ENRAGES THE SAVAGE BEAST AND FARTS IN ELEVATORS

 

Dear Myself With Two Differing Gender Pronouns,

When you think about it, farting while walking in space will send you light years off course and on a journey even the space family Robinsons never scripted. 

Fortunately, I don't think about stuff like that.

Think you can make a lot of difference if we talk about starting a unicorn inseminating business, become good friends over meth and Starblech, and see that with greater chutzpah comes greater schmuckimuntality. You can make a change in the life of others, especially driving out of control through a Target Super Center on a riding mower with a wood chipper attachment. I think i would start all with a proper introduction of myself...I am Mrs Caroline Edward when I'm not Jack William. 

 

As the latter, I am a eunuch munchkin that was the last surviving munchkin not selected to be on The Wizard Of Oz in 1939, and I've been harboring a grudge against tin, straw or cowardly ever since.  Never much cared for the Wicked Witch of the West or her sister Hellary that lost to Trump in 2016.  As the former, I am 65 years old, suffering from long time fallen genital syndrome (aka, my vagina is hanging at my knees, beset by fruit flies). From all indications, my condition is really marginal, but slightly better as the latter than the former. My personal physician told me that I am both a freak of Nature and a mental health condition diagnosed but left untreated.  I have no child of mine though my two pronouns tried to conceive after someone told us in email to go screw ourselves.  The results were...disappointing, as part of my other pronoun just laid there and bitched about Dorothy, flying monkeys and a panty hose tornado.

It is late now you know, since my former self can not get married again without permission from my latter self, and he's too preoccupied with seeking revenge on the Lollypop Guild.  This brings to mind some totally non sequitur quotes from obscure books, like age is no longer on my side, just my pocket watch (All Things Pandemonium, 119:116 ); Uphold me according unto thy ability to prop up my assular that I may fart away and let me not ashamed of what emanates therefrom (House of Pancakes, 138: 7).  Though I walk in the midst of hummus, thou will not mistake me for celery sticks (Veggie Avengers, 145:18).  My heart is fixed, my assular isn't.  Walk behind at your peril (OSHA Service Manual, 51: 17).  The sacrifices of deities disguised as Coke bottles dropped on wayward African tribes are broken in spirit, flavor and carbonation that a shrunken piranha genital will not despise (Fall of the Horse of Ohsure, 41: 1).  Blessed is he that holds Happy Hour at Hooters; he'll have done his breast in time of trouble (Feminincompoop's Guide To Hating Hooters, 2:27).  And finally, For indeed he was a perv nigh unto all things, but God had mercy on him & turned him into a windshield wiper (CNN Today and the Past 30 Years, 316.1).  I always say this in my mind.

 

Small wonder that I'm forever cornfused.

So, I now decide to divide part of our lack of wealth, by contributing to mindless inanimate objects seeking the democrap candidacy as president in 2024.  I wish you could be someone who i could trust with all my virginity, but that's been gone since I went to a Joe Bidumb crimepaign stop in Delaware and I got serial groped. 

 

Please note that Bidumb's hijinks in Ukraine is about to catch up to him, so I need you to hide me from Hellary's 'suicide squad'.  I know this is hard, and it take a very strong heart to get this done, but you should keep this saying in your heart:  "I am the walrus...I am the walrus.  Devil bunnies, devil bunnies, I snort the banana".  I don't know what it means, but it always had people looking at me funny at the mall when I sang it while pole dancing on a railing.  It will be a miracle if that video doesn't show up on YouTube.

This is why with a genital insert in my heart, it beats harder and more sweatily.  I have come to find out that wealth acquisition without Poobah is vanity and i hope you will agree with this also but take the money and run...whoo hoo hoo.   I will be praying hard that Satan will not bet on Jesus and throw another match with him in South Park like he did in Season 1.  I will be waiting for your reply by telling me everything about you and how your life was forever changed by an emu, a yak, and the peculiarity of cnn.

I await your reply.

Mother Caroline or Jack William  

 

 

Later that very day that Seymour sent this reply to Jack William/Ma Caroline (apparently not the one that Neil Diamond penned an ode to), the following reply was received from one or the other, both or neither:

 

meaning?  

 

 

Well Whaddaya know:  a scammer seeking meaning.  Seymour was down for the challenge: 

 

Ah, you noticed that.  I kinda had the same question in reading your original missive.  After thoughtful editing, I am glad -- indeed gratified -- to see that you now are on the same boat, albeit at just a lesser class assignment.  Kinda like me being in First Class, and you in Economy, on the RMS Titanic.  With that cleared up, let's get to it...the 'meaning'.   What's yours?

 

 

This apparently didn't help in Third Class: 

 

i am not understand you.  Meaning?  

 

 

Perhaps if you explain your definition of 'meaning', and then I reply with my definition of 'meaning', then we can bridge the lack of understanding between our respective 'meanings' that originated with your email to me.  Kapish?  

 

 

what?    

 

Second base.  I see you know that routine. 

 

...that proved to be an erroneous assumption on Seymour's part, as the dual gender-fluids ceased any further repartee with the 'editing gone wild' pet rock.

 

And Seymour so wanted to meet Ma Caroline.

 

"Did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

 

The Mongorians At South Park's Walls Again

Scammers for the most part are clueless about the badly-animated show South Park on Comedy Central.  Trey Parker and Matt Stone have been wreaking havoc there for years.

That's what the following scammer is about to find out:

Dear Friend,

 

I know this is not an expected email that you hope to receive every day but with my current state of health, I have no option than to contact you to carry out this mission on my behalf.

I am Ms. Mary Beckham, a British Citizen and married to Dr.Frank Beckham, who worked with the Iraq National Oil Company (INOC) for twenty-three years before he died on  August 2014, we were married for thirty-seven years without any children.

 

Before his death, we were both devoted to helping others. Since his death, I decided not to re-marry. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum USD$10.5 Million U.S. Dollars) with a finance outfit and presently, this money is still with them and the management just wrote me as the beneficiary to come forward to receive the money or rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf if I can not come over.

 

Presently, I’m in the hospital where I have been undergoing treatment for cancer of the lungs. I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have a few months to live due to the state of the illness and It is my last wish to see that this money is invested wisely and at the end of every year funds are distributed among charity organization.

I want a reliable and honest individual/company that will use this money to reach to the motherless,  less-privileges, orphanages, cancer research centers, and widows propagating the word and the sick that has nobody to take care of them hence If you are willing and honest enough to do my wishes.

 

As soon as I receive your reply, I shall give you the details on how you will claim this funds from where it is currently held so that you can immediately transfer the funds to your personal account via bank telegraphic wire transfer.

 

I will also issue a letter of authority that will empower you as the new beneficiary of the funds hence please assure me that you will act accordingly as stated herein.

 

I hope to hear from you soonest, and all email should be forwarded to my private email : G-Manager2016@yandex.com

 

Remain Blessed,

 

Ms.Mary Beckham  

 

 

I guess this Beckham has turned to online scams, not being related to the soccer Beckhams.  Well, my pet rock, Seymour, could care less about this scammer's claimed plight.  He's more interested in what he believes Parker and Stone would do to her in a South Park episode:

 

 

From: G-Manager2016@yandex.com

Sent: Thursday, September 19, 2019 11:03 PM
To: bunghole101@hotmail.com
Subject: THIS WAS IMPORTANT A NUMBER OF YEARS AGO...NOW..MEH

Dear Friend,

 I know this is not an expected email that you hope to receive every day but with my current state of animation, I have no option than to contact you to carry out this mission respecting my authoritah.  I am Eric Cartman, an underage citizen of the oft-trashed Colorado town of South Park.

 

  Together with my friends Stan, the Jew Kyle and Kenny who died more than t-shirts in the psychedelic era, I have been an elementary student in a school run by badly-drawed loons for over 20 years.  Even though I am world-famous for telling everyone "screw you guys...I'm going home", I tend to stick around because you just never know when the creators will allow me another episode at Casa Bonita, where I can cliff dive and gorge on sopapillas until I projectile vomit.    

 

Before Kenny's last death at the hands of some bastards or another, only Kyle and Stan were both devoted to helping others. Me, I'm all into helping myself, as I did in the Tourette Syndrome episode.  Since Wendy punched me out, I decided not to marry, being a perpetual fourth grader. When my late father was alive he ran away and joined a punk emu band called Angry Boids and performed at all the Aids concerts that accomplished hella nothing but were well-attended by equally badly-drawd hippies. 

 

Presently, I’m in the hospital where I have been undergoing treatment for paper cuts to my butt caused by a paper rainbow crawling up my pant leg and biting my asshole.  I hate friggin' rainbows.  I haven't since lost my ability to walk crap or crawl, but I do miss my Cheesy Poofs and the Scientology episode wherein I was briefly John Smith along with everyone else.  Being the practical jokesters that they are, our creators have told me that I have a few months to live due to the state of Comedy Central and It is my last wish to see AlGore's man-bear-pig (aka, Joe Bidumb) not win anything that would allow him to grope my Mom or sisterly siblings without he pay substantial recompense that I can use to buy whatever's trendy at the video store.  I hear that the black web video Taylor Swift Does Inflatable Zazbots In Newark is all the rage in Azerbaijan right now.  If I paid attention in school to my gender-fluid teacher the unpronounable Garrison, I'd know where that is.

 

I want a reliable and honest individual/company that will kiss my big-boned ass; all I'm seeking are morons to reply to this.  Morons I can manipulate into all sorts of doing lots of stupid.  Y'know, like Butters.  Him I can convince to do about anything.

Are you an aimless, directionless snowflake that gets triggered easy, screams into microphones all the latest leftist talking points and needs therapy because some Hollywood nincompoops told you that they did?  If you is th'yah when I'm h'yah, I need your goat-smelling egg-sucking ass h'yah soonest for an upcoming episode where my creators make fun of motherless,  less-privileges, orphanages, cancer research centers, and widows propagating the word and the sick that has nobody to take care of them.  And of course Scientologists.  I haven't been John Smith in a while now.  

 

 As soon as I receive your reply, I shall give you the details on how you will be used to kill Kenny and become a bastard yourself from where it is currently held in animation abstinence so long as papered pedophiles aren't nearby, trying to feel up me and my classmates. 

I will also issue a letter of authoritah that will empower you as the new Chief of Police in South Park, so you can for yourself see how utterly useless Officer Barbrady is when pursuing chicken backside pluckers that ride around in library vans full of emu porn.  Please....PUH-LEEZE...assure me that you will act accordingly as stated herein. 

 

I hope to hear from you soonest, and all email should be forwarded to my primate's email : G-Manager2016@yandex.com  As long as he's receiving any, he won't totally destroy the laptop. 

Remain accursed with genital warts on your face, 

Eric Cartman, animated resident of animated South Park, CO, rated right behind Shotcago, Deadtroit, San Crapcisco and other leftard bastions of Third World results as the most destroyed city, episode per episode, in the history of Comedy Central.

As I suspected, Ms Beckham didn't figure she had any useful way forward with this edit.  Seymour was disappointed.

 

"Was NOT!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

 

 

 

Some Scammers Have Sensitive Feelings

Oddball would be right at home on college campuses; he knowd that some people have sensitive feelings.

Scammers too.

Witness the following exchange between my character and one Ngui Karen:

It's a great pleasure connecting with you via your email, I am Mrs. Karen Ngui Group managing director and head of group strategic, marketing & Communications at the DBS Bank. I am contacting you concerning an abandoned sum of $25,512,000.00 USD that will be beneficial to both of us.

The said funds belong to my late client who died with the entire family in an auto crash along with his family at France while on sabbatical in the summer of 2008, may their soul rest in peace. He died without leaving a Will and several efforts were made to find his extended family through your embassy without success. Our dear client died with no known or identifiable family member and bank want to confiscate his fund as unclaimed bill.

The reason for my being in contact with you is to seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of my late client since you share the same last name, I am prepared to give the necessary details as the closest surviving relation of our deceased customer (Mr. Max Ewehoff), i am also proposing that after a successful execution of the business deal the funds will be shared in the ratio 40/60, you will get 40% and I will be entitled to 60% as the initiator of the deal. You know that I must have done my homework already before contacting you.

Although the project is intensive, I know I will be able to pull it through following proper banking and legal Channels with your assistance at your end. I will tidy up the legal aspect with the assistance of a lawyer who will prepare all the documents that will be needed to transfer the money to you.

Once more, I ask that if you find no interest in this project Please discard this mail and forget I ever contacted you, I ask that you do not be vindictive and destructive; do not destroy my career. Opportunities like this only come once in a lifetime. I would want you to think about this and let me know your decision.

If you give me a positive response, I will give you the relevant INFORMATION for the successful transfer of these funds and will initiate this process towards a conclusion so we both enjoy it in peace.

l await your positive response  


Not sure if my response was positive or not:


Positive.  


Thank you for your response to my email and your willingness to partner me in this endeavor, considering the money involved, and due to the nature of this transaction, I will want us to be 100% honest with each other so we can achieve the main goal.I want to be sure that you are ready to execute this transaction with me and what I expect from you is trust and commitment. I want this large sum of money transferred with your assistance and you should have nothing to worry about regarding legality AT ALL, because what affects you? Shall also affects me too so therefore i am giving you my word, you should not have anything to worry about, I will do everything legally required to ensure that the project goes smoothly, it shall pass through all Laws of International Banking and I know that if we follow up this transaction diligently it would be completed within 7 working days.

  I will contact an attorney who will prepare the necessary Affidavits which shall put you in place as beneficiary, he will obtain the necessary clearances from the respective authorities in Hong Kong which will cover all the aspects involved in this transaction. First, you are required to send a copy of your Driver's License, Work ID or your International Passport. It is this copy of your Driver's License or International Passport or Work ID that will be used by the Attorney to have all the necessary documentations perfected and to build a trustworthy relationship between the both of us, I will be sending you my ID as well.

  The attorney shall be handling all matters of probate on your behalf, he will have all the documents perfected, and with these documents, you shall write to my bank to apply for the immediate release and transfer of your funds to your designated choice of bank. I have been a banker for many years and I know perfectly how the system works.

When I receive your documents/details I shall begin the necessary paperwork.

I await your timely response to this.  

Just make sure that your chosen attorney is not Azerbaijani.  I had a bad experience with one.  

you have no reason to worry we are using an attorney who will not make any mistakes as we would like to enjoy the proceeds we make from this upon completion.

As soon as your valid means if Identification is received i will proceed to sending you my documents and then sending over all necessary pieces of information to the attorney who will start documentation process as soon as possible.  

...and she followed up with this:

you have no reason to worry we are using an attorney who will not make any mistakes as we would like to enjoy the proceeds we make from this upon completion.

As soon as your valid means if Identification is received i will proceed to sending you my documents and then sending over all necessary pieces of information to the attorney who will start documentation process as soon as possible.

Mrs Karen Ngui

Group ~ Managing Director  

...such sleazy assurances from scammers always seem to fail to assure me:

You're correct.  I have no reason to worry.  I saved a bunch of money by switching a gecko.  For a komodo...dragon.  

...she didn't get that one:

Without delays, if you want us to proceed do send a copy of your valid means of identification.   


In this age of rampant online ID theft, I am very careful about sending my ID online. Have your chosen attorney contact me and he can provide me a secure address that I will send it to him via certified mail.  


Suddenly, her tone changes:


what is it you mean by that?  

You are literate, correct?  In this age of rampant online ID theft, I am very careful about sending my ID online. Have your chosen attorney contact me and he can provide me a secure address that I will send it to him via certified mail.  


Her reply provides proof that not all liberal snowflakes are on college campuses, at the DNC and on cnn:

i am not here for you ID i guess we cant work together as i feel insulted  


Amused by that, my character clearly demonstrated why he'll never get a job with the State Department:


You feel insulted over my previous reply???
What are you, a wimpy snowflake?
If you're that big a crybaby candyass, you're right...we can't work together.
I do deals with adults, not simpering immatures.  Stop acting like a democrat and grow up.  


That didn't go over well:


how dares you say that to me?  we are done.  stop contact me.


I dares, I dares.  cnn probably needs a super wimp like you for some hour-long 'cry along with Chelsea Handler' or some abject nonsense like that.  You'd be good at that...not for much else, but good at that.  I'll give you a reference.


I guess Ngui Karen won't be asking for my character's referral anytime soon...