Scammer Pissed

Another day, another scammer pretending to be a US Army officer in Afghanistan with a found stash of cash that he "wants to share".

*snort*

Here's the latest in a long line of such abject nonsense:

My name is  Major Austin Miller. I am an American soldier, presently in Afghanistan for the training, advising the Afghan forces and also helping in stabilizing the country against security challenges. With a very desperate need for assistance, I have decided to contact you for your kind assistance to move the sum of (US$48,000,000.00) forty Eight Million United States Dollars to you if I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete my service. Some money in various currencies was discovered in boxes at a farmhouse during a rescue operation we conducted in one of the attacks by the terrorists and it was agreed by my colleagues and I that some part of this money be shared among us.

 

The above figure was given to me as my share, and to conceal this kind of money became a problem for me, so with the help of a British doctor working with Red Cross, I was able to get the package out to a safe location entirely out of trouble spot. he does not know the real content of the package, and believes that it belongs to a American medical doctor who died in a raid here in Afghanistan, and before giving up, trusted me to hand over the package to his Family. 

I have now found a much secured way of getting the package out of Afghanistan to you for pick up and I will discuss this with you when I am sure that you are willing to assist me. I am ready to compensate you with 35% of the $48 million USD for your assistance. 

I do not know how long we will remain here, and I have been shot, wounded and survived two suicide bomb attacks by the special grace of God, this and other reasons I will mention later has prompted me to reach out for help. 

Please contact me as soon as possible with the following details: 

Full Name:

Full Address:

Tel/cell numbers:

Occupation:

 

God Bless you as I look forward to your positive response 

Truly yours,

Major Austin Miller

US ARMY

Kabul Afghanistan  

 

 

My pet rock, Seymour, isn't much for drinking anything other than bottled water or an occasional beer:

 

But he was all over editing this email from the scammer he referred to as Major Malfunction:

 

 

From: Major Austin Miller <majoraustin@ats.com>
Sent: Friday, September 27, 2019 5:54 AM
To: mail@office.com <mail@office.com>
Subject: From Azerbaijani Wayward Son of Cheeseburger in Afghanistan After Missing Left Toin At Albuquerque

 

Greetings,

 

My name is  Major Achmed Hocktoid Ackphooey. I am an Azerbaijani Wayward Son of Cheeseburger in Afghanistan After Missing Left Toin At Albuquerque.

 

 

That's me on the left.  I'm presently in Afghanistan for having missed the left turn, advising the Afghan forces not to miss that left toin at Albuquerque and also helping myself to copious amounts of camel piss beverage the country is trying to market to Coca Cola, Pepsi or any other beverage maker with a world-wide reach. With a very desperate need for assistance, I have decided to contact you for your kind assistance to move 5000 cases of Muzzie's Camel Piss Delight to you if I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete whatever it is I was supposed to be doing in Liechtenstein, having wound up instead in Afghanistan.

 

 

These cases -- and a nearby distillery operation -- was discovered at a farmhouse during a pillaging operation we conducted in one of the attacks by the terrorists and it was agreed that some part of this vile-tasting brew must have a way to be sold to someone stupid enough to think that it's drinkable.

 

 

The above figure was given to me as my share, and to conceal this large of stash of vile-tasting brew became a problem for me, so with the help of a British doctor working with International Eyes Crossed -- they've obviously drank the stuff too -- I was able to get the cases out to a safe location entirely out of trouble spot. Apparently no one where I'm hiding it has a sense of smell, or they'd know what's in those cases. 

 

 

I have now found a way of getting the cases out of Afghanistan to you for pick up:  I mark it as 'Evidence of Russian Collusion by Trump', and the DNC will foul themselves to help me move all 5000 cases out with expedience.  I will discuss this with you when I am sure that you are as stupid as the democraps. I am ready to compensate you with 0% of the anticipated profits for your assistance. 

 

 

I do not know how long we will remain here; I suppose until I get my travel compass fixed and can find that left toin I missed -- this and other reasons I will mention later has prompted me to reach out for help. 

Please contact me as soon as possible with the following details:

 

Full Name:

Full Address:

Tel/cell numbers:

Occupation:

 

God Bless you if you just sneezed. 

Truly yours,

Major Achmed Hocktoid Ackphooey

NYC 14th Congressional District Branch Office of Antifa

aoc honorary moron

 

 

14th Congressional District NYC  

 

The 'major', upon receiving Seymour's edit, was apparently pissed:

 

F*** you  

 

 

Have you ever put any practical thought in how you'd do that with a geologic anomaly like me?  I'm betting you haven't.  Drink a few more cases of your camel piss beverage and get back to me on the mechanics of it.  

 

 

After that reply, even the 'Major' wanted nothing more to do with my editing pet rock gone wild...