A Scammer Seeks 'Meaning'...From a Pet Rock

My pet rock, Seymour, has evolved into quite the 'editor gone wild' when it comes to editing email scams.

It left one recent scammer seeking 'meaning'.

It began like this:


My Dear,

Think you can make a lot of difference if we talk , become good friends in our lord , and see that with greater power , comes greater responsibility . You can make a change in the life of others,most especially the poor at heart , and the less privileged. first. I think i would start all with a proper introduction of myself...I am Mrs Caroline Edward, a widow to Late Rolland Edward. I am 65 years old,suffering from long time cancer of the breast . From all indications , my condition is really deteriorating and is quite obvious that I may not live more than four months after my next surgery , because the cancer stage has gotten to a very severe stage . My personal physician told me that I may not live for more than 2 months and I am so scared about it . I have no child of mine , even though i wish i had . It is late now you know , since i can not get married again , and age is no longer on my side.Psalms 119:116 Uphold me according unto thy word, that I may live, and let me not ashamed of my hope.Psalms 138: 7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou will revive me......Psalms 145:18 Psalms 57: 7 My heart is fixed. O God my heart is fixed, I will sing & give praise Psalms 51: 17 The sacrifices of God are broken spirit, a broken & contrite heart, O God thou will not despise. Psalms 41: 1 Blessed is he that considerate the poor, the Lord will deliver him in time of trouble.Two of my favorite verses: Philippians2:27: For indeed he was sick nigh unto death, but God had mercy on him & that on him only, but on me also,lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow.( I always say this in my mind)

So, I now decide to divide part of my wealth, by contributing to the development of the motherless baby homes, needy, poor, charity homes and widows too.i am willing to donate the huge sum of $5 million USD  which is still the major inheritance i have left.i wish you could be someone who i could trust with all my heart,to make this wish of mine come true...Please note that, this fund is lying in a Bank. so i need you to use the funds to help the poor . I know this is hard , and it take a very strong heart to get this done , but you should keep this saying in your heart , I am like Moses in the Bible . He came to the Red Sea and Pharaoh behind him and no way to turn but God delivered him all by a miraculous deliverance . It will be a miracle from God to be able to help all the dear people God has laid on our hearts .

  This is why with God in my heart,i contact you,and i want you to contact me,so we be in contact with all the poor souls out there . Give new lives , hopes and days . I have come to find out that wealth acquisition without Christ is vanity and i hope you will agree with this also . I will be praying hard that Satan will not stop this effort . I will be waiting for your reply by telling me everything about you and your life so as for me to tell you more on what to do to accomplish this mission.

I await your reply.

God bless you

Mother Caroline  

 

Seymour was so moved by this aging template, he simply HAD to buy the company.

 

"Did NOT!!!  PPHFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!"

 

No, but Seymour did create something that left the scammer -- who couldn't appear to make up his/her mind as to which gender pronoun he/she preferred -- a tad nonplussed:

 

 

From: jackwilliam012@yahoo.com <jackwilliam012@yahoo.com>
Sent: Saturday, September 21, 2019 9:29 PM
To: Caroline Edward <jackwilliam012@yahoo.com>
Subject: MAIL THAT ENRAGES THE SAVAGE BEAST AND FARTS IN ELEVATORS

 

Dear Myself With Two Differing Gender Pronouns,

When you think about it, farting while walking in space will send you light years off course and on a journey even the space family Robinsons never scripted. 

Fortunately, I don't think about stuff like that.

Think you can make a lot of difference if we talk about starting a unicorn inseminating business, become good friends over meth and Starblech, and see that with greater chutzpah comes greater schmuckimuntality. You can make a change in the life of others, especially driving out of control through a Target Super Center on a riding mower with a wood chipper attachment. I think i would start all with a proper introduction of myself...I am Mrs Caroline Edward when I'm not Jack William. 

 

As the latter, I am a eunuch munchkin that was the last surviving munchkin not selected to be on The Wizard Of Oz in 1939, and I've been harboring a grudge against tin, straw or cowardly ever since.  Never much cared for the Wicked Witch of the West or her sister Hellary that lost to Trump in 2016.  As the former, I am 65 years old, suffering from long time fallen genital syndrome (aka, my vagina is hanging at my knees, beset by fruit flies). From all indications, my condition is really marginal, but slightly better as the latter than the former. My personal physician told me that I am both a freak of Nature and a mental health condition diagnosed but left untreated.  I have no child of mine though my two pronouns tried to conceive after someone told us in email to go screw ourselves.  The results were...disappointing, as part of my other pronoun just laid there and bitched about Dorothy, flying monkeys and a panty hose tornado.

It is late now you know, since my former self can not get married again without permission from my latter self, and he's too preoccupied with seeking revenge on the Lollypop Guild.  This brings to mind some totally non sequitur quotes from obscure books, like age is no longer on my side, just my pocket watch (All Things Pandemonium, 119:116 ); Uphold me according unto thy ability to prop up my assular that I may fart away and let me not ashamed of what emanates therefrom (House of Pancakes, 138: 7).  Though I walk in the midst of hummus, thou will not mistake me for celery sticks (Veggie Avengers, 145:18).  My heart is fixed, my assular isn't.  Walk behind at your peril (OSHA Service Manual, 51: 17).  The sacrifices of deities disguised as Coke bottles dropped on wayward African tribes are broken in spirit, flavor and carbonation that a shrunken piranha genital will not despise (Fall of the Horse of Ohsure, 41: 1).  Blessed is he that holds Happy Hour at Hooters; he'll have done his breast in time of trouble (Feminincompoop's Guide To Hating Hooters, 2:27).  And finally, For indeed he was a perv nigh unto all things, but God had mercy on him & turned him into a windshield wiper (CNN Today and the Past 30 Years, 316.1).  I always say this in my mind.

 

Small wonder that I'm forever cornfused.

So, I now decide to divide part of our lack of wealth, by contributing to mindless inanimate objects seeking the democrap candidacy as president in 2024.  I wish you could be someone who i could trust with all my virginity, but that's been gone since I went to a Joe Bidumb crimepaign stop in Delaware and I got serial groped. 

 

Please note that Bidumb's hijinks in Ukraine is about to catch up to him, so I need you to hide me from Hellary's 'suicide squad'.  I know this is hard, and it take a very strong heart to get this done, but you should keep this saying in your heart:  "I am the walrus...I am the walrus.  Devil bunnies, devil bunnies, I snort the banana".  I don't know what it means, but it always had people looking at me funny at the mall when I sang it while pole dancing on a railing.  It will be a miracle if that video doesn't show up on YouTube.

This is why with a genital insert in my heart, it beats harder and more sweatily.  I have come to find out that wealth acquisition without Poobah is vanity and i hope you will agree with this also but take the money and run...whoo hoo hoo.   I will be praying hard that Satan will not bet on Jesus and throw another match with him in South Park like he did in Season 1.  I will be waiting for your reply by telling me everything about you and how your life was forever changed by an emu, a yak, and the peculiarity of cnn.

I await your reply.

Mother Caroline or Jack William  

 

 

Later that very day that Seymour sent this reply to Jack William/Ma Caroline (apparently not the one that Neil Diamond penned an ode to), the following reply was received from one or the other, both or neither:

 

meaning?  

 

 

Well Whaddaya know:  a scammer seeking meaning.  Seymour was down for the challenge: 

 

Ah, you noticed that.  I kinda had the same question in reading your original missive.  After thoughtful editing, I am glad -- indeed gratified -- to see that you now are on the same boat, albeit at just a lesser class assignment.  Kinda like me being in First Class, and you in Economy, on the RMS Titanic.  With that cleared up, let's get to it...the 'meaning'.   What's yours?

 

 

This apparently didn't help in Third Class: 

 

i am not understand you.  Meaning?  

 

 

Perhaps if you explain your definition of 'meaning', and then I reply with my definition of 'meaning', then we can bridge the lack of understanding between our respective 'meanings' that originated with your email to me.  Kapish?  

 

 

what?    

 

Second base.  I see you know that routine. 

 

...that proved to be an erroneous assumption on Seymour's part, as the dual gender-fluids ceased any further repartee with the 'editing gone wild' pet rock.

 

And Seymour so wanted to meet Ma Caroline.

 

"Did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"