Pre-April Surprises on Feline Friday

Pick of Wordless Wednesday

Mueller Ain't The Only One Who Can't Investigate

From the look on his face, his hand is up because his bowels are about to implode.

And that's been Bobbie Mueller's standard look since trying to help Hellary with the faked Trump dossier.

But he ain't the only one suffering from faux investigation dysfunction.

Get a load of this numbnuts:

United States Investigations Services (USIS)
7799 Leesburg PikeSuite 1100 North
Falls Church, VA 22043 Compliment of The Day,


                                  READ CAREFULLY


I am Mitch Lawrence the Vice President, Security and
Counterintelligence (CI) for United States Investigations
Services (USIS) in alliance with Economic Community of West
African states (ECOWAS) with the head Office in Nigeria. We the
United States government and the United Nation, we have been
working towards the eradication of Internet Scam around the
globe, western part of Africa to be precise.

However, it has been revealed that there's no fund in your name
anywhere in the world, if you have been receiving e-mails from
Banks, Compensation Office, Lottery, Inheritance funds e.t.c.,
you're therefore advise to ignore such e-mails they are
impostor/fraudster trying to rip you off your hard earn money and
if you're in communication with any person or office claiming
that your funds is with them, we also advise you to stop/seize
further communication and transaction with such person/office
immediately, they are all liars and thieves. Also you're order to
forward such emails to this office to help aid the arrest of this
fraudsters and impostors.

We have been able to track down so many of this scam artist in
various part of west Africa countries which includes (NIGERIA,
REPUBLIC OF BENIN, TOGO, GHANA CAMERON AND SENEGAL), they are all
in the custody of the United States Secret Agent (USSA) Nigeria,
also huge amount of money was recovered from the scam artists. In
reference to this, several indoor meeting was held between the
United Nation, United States government and the African Union in
Abuja the federal capital of Nigeria, agreement was reached that
scam victims will be compensated with the money recovered from
scam artist that are in custody of the Nigeria Economic and
Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) and the United States Secret
Agent (USSA) in Nigeria.

Note this e-mail is been directed to you because during our
investigations, your email address was found in one of the scam
Artists file and computer hard disk in  our custody. In reference
to this regards, you will be compensated with the sum of US$17,
.500,000.00 (Seventeen Million five Hundred Thousand Dollars).
Meanwhile, the Africa Union has requested for evidence to prove
you are a victim of West Africa scam. In plight to this regards
the USIS have appointed a United State base Attorney (Ben Gibson)
here in the State to advocate on your behalf and provide the
requested evidence to process the payment approval for your fund
to be release  to you.


IMPORTANT NOTICE: The only fee you're to pay to the Attorney is
the processing fee $325.00 for procurment of legal evidence to
prove to the West Africa Union that you are a victim of scam.
Also kindly request him to direct you on how to submit the
processing fee $325.


Kindly verify your details to Ben Gibson to enable him process
and secure evidence to aid the release of your payment to you,
also make sure your details and residential address are provided
correctly to avoid any atom of mistake and delay during
processing.


Your Full Name: ................... Full Residential
Address:.......... (P.O.BOX NOT ALLOWED) Direct Phone Number:
.............. Valid ID Card: ....................


CONTACT PERSON: BEN GIBSON

E-MAIL ADDRESS: beng31275@gmail.com

TEL: +1 (707)639-1379

As soon as he received your details, the processing to aid the
release of your Compensation Refund will be facilitated
immediately and your US$17, .500,000.00 (Seventeen Million five
Hundred Thousand Dollars) will be made payable to you in due time
within the next 72 hours.

Treat as urgent!

Regards.

Mitch Lawrence

Vice President, Security and Counterintelligence
United States Investigations Services (USIS)  

Since I can't have any fun with the made-up Trump dossier, I most certainly can have some fun with this:

From: Mitch Lawrence <info@un.org>
Sent: Wednesday, January 17, 2018 6:53 AM
To: dorknwhackoff@hotmail.com
Subject: READ CAREFULLY IF YOU WISH TO AVOID SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE FROM A MARMOT.

 

United Nation Investigation Soivices (UNIS)
7799 Leesburg Pickerel
Suite 1100

North Falls Church of the Perpetual Horkage, VA 22043

Condiment of The Day: dildo relish


                                 READ CAREFULLY IF YOU WISH TO AVOID SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE FROM A MARMOT

I am Mitch Lawrence the Vice President, Security and
Counterintelligence (CI) for United Nation Investigation
Soivices (UNIS) in alliance with A Community of West
African states (ACOWSASS) with the head up their ass in Nigeria.

We the United Nation government and the United Nation of the

ungoverned, we have been working towards the perpetuation

of Internet Scam around the globe, western part of Africa to be precise.

We want it everyf**kingwhere.

However, it has been revealed that there's no record in your name
anywhere in the world that says you've been sodomized online

by our eagerly standing by operators of dubious antecedence.

Why the f**k not?

if you have been receiving e-mails from Banks, Compensation

Office, Lottery, Inheritance funds e.t.c., you're therefore advise

to respond affirmatively and positively to such e-mails they are
send by hard working and righteous scammers from Third

World sh*tholes who are trying to rip you off your hard earn

money and they are entitled to do this because Barack Insane

Obola said you didn't earn that money and he wants it

redistributed.

Why you not listen to him?  You racist????

if you're in communication with any person or office claiming
that we are full of sh*t, we also advise you to stop/seize
further communication and transaction with such person/office
immediately, they are right but that's not the point; they're

fucking with our rice bowl, and you just stop listen to them

and do the right thing and pay us because you owe us.

We have been able to track down so many of this scam artist in
various part of west Africa countries which includes (NIGERIA,
REPUBLIC OF BENIN, TOGO, GHANA CAMERON AND SENEGAL),

and we have offer all of them jobs in our luxury and deluxely

accommodated fly-infested internet café in the Third World

Shithole capital of forever, Lagos Nigeria.

So far, we collect huge amount of money recovered from mugus

like you.

Just not yet from you.

Note this e-mail is been directed to you because during our
investigation, your email address was found in one of the not-

yet-scammed files in  our custody. In reference to this regards,

we reckon you owe us the sum of US$17,500,000.00 (Seventeen

Million five Hundred Thousand Dollars).

No sh*t.  Really.  Really really.

Meanwhile, the Africa Union has requested that we prove
you are not yet a victim of West Africa scam. In plight to this regards
the UNIS have appointed a United Nation base goat sodomizer (Ben Gibson)
here in Nigeria to advocate on your behalf and provide the
requested evidence to prove you owe us big time.


IMPORTANT NOTICE: We have affordable terms for you to pay

off what you owe us and it's only $325.00 a month for the life

of Ben Gibson's sodomized goats.

we think that's fair.

Kindly verify your details to Ben Gibson to enable him process
and secure evidence to prove you owe us you f**king scofflaw

and make sure your details and residential address are provided
correctly to avoid you avoiding any atom of mistake and delay during
processing.

Your Full Name: ................... Full Residential
Address:.......... (P.O.BOX NOT ALLOWED) Direct Phone Number:
.............. Valid ID Card: ....................

CONTACT PERSON: BEN GIBSON

E-MAIL ADDRESS: beng31275@gmail.com

TEL: +1 (707)639-1379

As soon as he received your details, ol' Ben will probably

foul himself repeatedly, as this sh*t hasn't worked very

well to date.

Treat as urgent!

Regards.

Mitch Lawrence

Vice President, Security and Counterintelligence
United Nation Investigation Soivices (UNIS)

"Nyuk nyuk nyuk...*BONK*..OW!"

The edit didn't seem to give him much hope of any positive responses...

Oprah 'n the Manatees

Alleged celebrities should really discourage scammers from using their names.

Even sorta kinda.

Take this email scam my character got recently:


I Am Ms.Jane Oparah, an Accountant with the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (N.N.P.C.). I Headed A Seven-Man Tenders Board In Charge Of Contract Awards And Payment Approvals. I Came To Know Of You In My Search For A Reliable And Reputable Person To Handle A Very confidential Transaction Which Involves The Transfer Of A Huge Sum Of Money To A Foreign Account. There Were Series Of Contracts Executed By A Consortium Of Mufti-Nationals In The Oil Industry In Favour Of N.N.P.C. The Original Value Of This Contracts Were Deliberately Over-Invoiced To The Sum Of USD$32,000,000.00 (Thirty Two Million United States Dollars)this Amount Has Been Approved And Is Now Ready To Be Transferred, Being That The Companies That Actually Executed These Contracts Have Been Fully Paid And The Projects Officially Commissioned.

Consequently,I who are privy to this Excess funds are soliciting for your assistance to get this funds transferred abroad into a foreign account For Subsequent Disbursement, Since we as Civil Servants Are Prohibited By The Code Of Conduct Bureau (Civil Service Law) From Operating And/or-opening Foreign Accounts In Our Names. Needless To Say, The Trust Reposed On You At This Juncture Is Enormous.

In Return, I Have Agreed To Offer You 35% Of The Transferred Sum,and 60% will be for me, While 5% Shall Be Set Aside For Incidental Expenses (Internal And External) Between Parties In The Course Of The Transaction.

You Will Be Mandated To Remit The Balance To Other Accounts In Due Course. Modalities Have Been Worked Out At The Highest Level and The Fund is Deposited in Union Bank Of Nigeria (U.B.N) For The Immediate Transfer Of The Funds Within 14 Working Days Subject To Your Satisfaction Of The Above Stated Terms and condition. Our Assurance Is That Your Role Is Risk Free.

To Accord This Transaction The Legality It Deserves And For Mutual Security Of The Funds The Whole Approval Procedures Will Be Officially And Legally Processed With Your Name Or The Name Of Any Company You May Nominate As The Benefice Beneficiary.

Once More, I Want You To Understand That Having Put In Over Ten Years In The Civil Service Of My Country, I Am Averse To Having My Image And Career Dented. This Matter Should Therefore Be Treated With The Utmost Secrecy And Urgency It Deserves. Kindly Expedite Action As We Are Behind Schedule To Enable Us Include This Transfer In This Batch Which Would Constitute The First Quarter Payments For The 2018 Financial Year.  


My pet rock, Seymour, saw the edit possumbilities instanters.

"Did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"


So he says NOW...but a short time ago, my pet rock penned this edit of the above scam email:

From: MS. OPARAH WINDFRIED< sydneyemeka@yahoo.com>
Sent: Thursday, February 22, 2018 10:55 PM
Subject: Dang, a run in my crotch

 

I Am Ms. Oparah Windfried, an oversized diet expert and talk show dumbinary who considered running for president before discovering what I thought was a stretch mark was actually a run in my crotch.

Hate when that happens.

On behalf of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (N.N.P.C.). I gave head to a Seven-Man Tenders Board In Charge Of a local fly-infested internet café outside of Lagos. I Came To Know Of You In My Search For an unReliable And disReputable Person To have on my show Which Involves The illegal and illicit world trade and Transfer Of A Huge number of sexually abused hamsters. During our research for this show, it was also learned that a new global trade in dumping t-shirts from failed political crimepaigns on manatees for ESPN commercials was engineered by the Clinton Crimedation, In Favour Of N.N.P.C. in exchange for extortion-level donations to the Clinton Globull Crimedation.

All the while, Hellary can't figure out how she lost being 50 points up, while gnawing on a Tide pod to prove she's one with the millennials.

Consequently, I who are wedged in a privy because some yutz let the toilet seat up and I didn't notice, are soliciting for your assistance to get my wedged ass out of here, Since public privies in Shotcago tend to go uncleaned for months at a time because of some peculiar clause in the Federal Endangered Feces Act, taken up as a cause by dumbed down activists in the Occupy something-anything movement.  Needless To Say, The eating of those Tide pods by millennials has taken a toll on critical thinking that is proving almost as Enormous as Hellary's ass.

In Return, I Have Agreed To Offer You 35% Of The Vaseline required to lube my ass out of here.

 You Will Be species/gender-neutraldated To Remit an essay explaining how everything bad in the world is the fault of Donald Trump going back 10,000 years, in 50 words or less.  I'd make it longer, but those Tide pods affect clarity of mind and articulating written words too.  Modalities Have Been Worked Out At The Highest Level on an abacus used by a yak as a sex toy in Kirovsk in 2014 and Deposited in the WTF Museum of Sexual Artiphucks, located in the basement of the DNC and guarded by a video of Nancy Bela Pelosi making some of the dumbest comments since Hank Johnson had Guam tipping over.  My Assurance Is That Your Role Is Risky in the extreme, 'cuz if this misfires, I will simply out you to the lamestream servile mediocres and use you to cover up democrap corruption in the news cycle.

 I'm the Oparah, and can do that.

Once More, I Want You To Understand That Having gotten wedged in the public privy in Shotcago, I Am Averse To Having My Image And Career Dented with pictures of this coming out in the Weekly World News. This Matter Should Therefore Be Treated With The Utmost Secrecy And Urgency It Deserves. Kindly Expedite Action As I Are Behind Schedule because I'm stuck here and can't afford to do a remote from here ("and now, back to Oparah, wedged in a Shotcago privy"...) so as to Enable me to do a show at some point about people who get runs in their crotches.

Yours Sincerely,
Ms. Oparah Windfried  

 

 

When Seymour came up with that "run in the crotch" line, I do believe even he actually winced...

"Did N..er..so..ewwwww".

Charged Up For Feline Friday

Wordless Wednesday Mein Gott Undt Schtuff

A Pet Rock Weighs In On Words

Since having awarded hisself a Seymour for editing email scams, Seymour has been seeking other venues for his editing prowess.

Thanks to Mandy Connell on KOA 850 in Denver, he found it:  her recent expose on the jack wagon loaded word becoming coveted by race-baiting leftists, intersectionality.

I looked up its origin and meaning...and what comes as no surprise, it's been around since 1989, concocted by a leftist fauxintellectual anemic, and meant to further divide people by sex, class, color, privilege...anything that the left can use to erode unity.

Which made it perfect fodder for Seymour:

Made-Up Word We're Laughing At: Intersectionality

What happens when leftist college anemics have too much time and meth on their hands

---

Update: This word has been recognized as full of inert compost since 1989.

It's been around since the late 1980's but intersectionality is a word that's new to many of us. Hypersensitive nincompoops on the left tried and are trying again to use it to refer to the made-up way that the effects of different forms of discrimination (such as racism, sexism, tweeter and wooferism) combine, overlap, and get severely overused on fake news networks like cnn and pmsnbc, to make excuses for the low informationed and illegal immigrants, among others.


Intersectionality—the latest made-up jack wagon load of inert compost, is meant by leftist nincompoops to further milk discrimination for their own personal and ideological ends.

Lately the word seems to be popping up everywhere:

"Le Douche Nozzle is the authority on intersectionality – the cockamamie ways in which identities (race, gender, sexuality) go into clusterf**k mode in Leftard Land" — Take A Letter Maria, Twatwaffle.com 7 Jan. 2016

… "an examination of two cars achieving intersectionality, which mandates that the full breadth of accident investigation include technology discrimination, which is a thing that need be acknowledged and embraced" — Yugo Forkyouself, Moron.Arg, 10 Dec. 2015

The term was coined by legal drop out Cardigan Fluke in a 1989 essay that asserts that antiEm failed to address the experiences of Dorothy in a Kansas tornado that put her in a land almost weirder than San Francisco. Fluke flatulently postulates that "[b]ecause the intersectional experience of girl in house and tornado is greater than the sum of cnn's abject stupidity and politics of ism, any analysis that does not take intersectionality of witches on bicycles and flying monkeys into account cannot sufficiently address the particular manure in which cnn's ratings have totally tanked."

Though originally applied only to the ways that sexism and racism combine and overlap, intersectionality has been stretched, twisted, milked and blurred to include just about anything non- sequitur as well, because most low information leftists have no idea what it means, but that it must mean something, what with as many syllables as it has.

Along with the noun, intersectionality has come the related adjective intersectional douchery:

… "political douchery is intersectional—a well-educated conservative person will have a different set of life experiences than a low informationed meth-using welfare cheat avoiding ICE in Kaliforlornia "… — Mehak Hairball, BusStop, 6 Jan. 2016

Intersectionality isn't a term without controversy. Educated people recognize it as another made-up leftist psychobabble term meant to woo and confuse the ill-educated audience of cnn. Leftists respond by pointing at Melania Trump and accusing her of meddling in the 2016 elections on Uranus, because she's Russian; not to mention – but they will anyway – that her husband had two scoops of ice cream, and this is somehow privilege intersectional lactose discrimination on some peculiar level, worthy of a congressional hearing, chaired by Maxipad Waters.

In short, leftist abject nonsense and childish resentment – in the form of intersucktionality – is here to stay, too.

Since Seymour awarded hisself a Seymour award for editing, he no longer covets a Pull My Fanger award for this kind of editing.

"Do TOO!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Sounds like he already won one...

And Zen...There's Feline Friday

Wordless Wednesday Gets Wordlesser

Just When You Thought There Were No More Awards

A few days back -- unwilling to lower myself to such a point -- I made my pet rock, Seymour, watch the false narrative politics and narcissism on parade at the Oscars.

"Yeah...PHFFFFFFFFT!!!"

I knew better than to waste my time.  Seymour should have.

Then again, I should have knowd better than to have a pet rock watch anything as dismal as the 2018 Oscars were.

Cuz I heard that tell-tale *TOING* that Seymour is so well known for, when he gets an idea.

Seymour thinks it's high time for his own award...the Seymours:

"Is NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

I rather thought it was in keeping with the Hollyweird fads.

At any rate, Seymour doesn't really have anything quite so statuesque as an Oscar.  He's thinking of using this for his first awards post:

"Am NOT!!!"

We'll sort out the details on the statue later, hopefully in a manure to keep people from cornfusing the rapidly falling interest in the Oscars with something new and different...like the Seymours. 

Meantime, Seymour has some 2018 awards to present. 

He begins with the bestest hosts that take him in when I get tired of him trying to order pizza and Chinese food when I'm not here ("PHFFFFFFFFT!!!").  After reviewing his list, I tend to agree that there is simply no way that one person can dominate in this category.  There have been a few.  So, for the first ever Seymour Awards for Bestest Host/Hostess of Himself, Seymour awards by geography:

CA:  Sandee
Japan/Ohio:  Amy
Texas:  Monica/Albert
Arkansas:  Cyndy
North Carolina:  Cora/Pixie
Virginia/Washington DC:  Janine Lynn
W. Virginia:  Jennie
Loveland CO:  Judy/Rick/Iz, three horses, two cows, two dogs and a squeeze toy named Barney  


Seymour then continues with his list of fondly recalled (for the most part) exs:

IA/Japan:  Jane

TX:  Windy

CA:  Julia Sandstone

...so it can be said that not all of Seymour's exs live in Texas...

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"


Seymour has been to many great places, and for some of those venues, he has this series of 2018 Seymours to award:

Shiriashi Island, Japan, home of the Moooo! Bar and it's always gracious and funny moostis, Amy.

Seymour doing DC with Janine Lynn as his hostess, guide and keeping him out of subject material for a future Supreme Court case.

Seymour battening down the hatches whilst yachting off the Califorlornia coast with Sandee..and of course, keeping boating regulations in mind..

Seymour rocking it in style on a porch in Arkansas with Cyndy.

Seymour sidling up to some home made 'hootch' in West Virginia with Jennie.

..and playing doctor while his host was a tad under the weather in the West Virginia hills.

Seymour visiting geologic cousins in North Carolina with Cora and Pixie.

Seymour has a special category for the most unusual non persons he's had the pleasure to meet, and therein is a tie between Renny:

...and Flat Stanley:

Seymour also awards two of the most scenic places he has been.  First, Shiriashi Island, Japan:

And Washington DC, where Seymour saw both the sights:

...and the frights:

"EWWWWWWWW...why'd you have to remind me?"

Seymour also has a special honorary category that I have to admit to being just a tad bit envious of.  The 2018 Seymour Award to the most prestigious person to request to link to Seymour on LinkedIn goes to...Mock, of Chicks on the Right:

..true story.  Mock actually sent Seymour a link request...he almost fainted ("did NOT!!!").  He loves her laugh.  Then again, Seymour's pretty enamored of Daisy, Hannah and Kimber, too.

Finally, in this first ever Seymour Awards, Seymour gives a Seymour to who he says is, by far and above, the bestest editor of email scams, ever....

...himself???

"Danged right!!!"

That's fine..I see here that you have a Best Supporting Editor of Email Scams Award, and that you've given that to....Jack N EWEHOFF???

"Yeah..so?"

Hmmphf.  So your long-time host, right here, who sends you on world travel at no expense to you, didn't rate a 2018 Seymour?

"Well...yeah, you did...Most Likely To Clear An Elevator When He Farts".

"See?  Even Godzilla agrees".

Mebbe we'll nip this Seymour Award thing in the bud for 2019...

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"




 

Feline Friday Super Heroes

Woidless Wednesday courtesy of Comedy Plus

An Edit That Brings Them To Tears

Actually, it's simpler than that in Kim Jong Un's North Korea.

Some online rag -- Business Insider, I believe -- actually wasted print on why so many pictures exist with North Koreans crying in the immediate presence of their ruling pudgmeister, Kim Jong Un.

My pet rock, Seymour, knowd the answer to that without having to read the article.  But it spurred him to again don his editing hat, and fix what BI got wrong:

Why everybody seems to be crying in lots of photos with Kim Jong un

Lots of people are crying in this photo — but why? WTFNS investigates.

• Ever wondered why there are loads of people crying in photos with Kim Jong-un?
  
• North Korea has a legacy of public displays of grief and overwhelming emotion.
  
• According to Yvonne Wasserputz-Schulz, Professor of Korean Studies at the University of Humbug, it started with Kim Jong-un's grandfather, Kim Il-sung. And his feet.
  

---

In Kim Jong-un's North Korea, many things seem strange to the Western world. Like everything.

Kim Jong-un is an isolated case
Similarly, with the many pictures showing Kim jong un with his subjects, people often seem to be moved to tears.

Yvonne Wasserputz-Schulz, Professor of Korean Studies at the University of Humbug, is not surprised by these displays. Emotionality is part of the cult of personality in North Korea started by Kim Jong-un's grandfather, Kim Il-sung. "The Kim rulers are exaggerated, almost egawds-like perceived," says Wasserputz-Schulz to WTFNS.

“And they're very heavy footed”, added Wasserputz-Schulz.


Park Dong-Wak, an analyst at the Korea Institute for Advanced Weight Loss in Seoul, told The New York Slimes that the grief at Kim Jong-il's funeral was overwhelmingly staged. Especially since everyone had to stop and get a hug from Kim Jong Un. And during that moment, he stepped on their foot. Park also said, "Other North Koreans weep because they simply can't help it...Un is one heavy dude." So, even in Kim Jong-un's photos, none of the tears is a happy tear.

And even more so when he parts with a kimshi fart.

Seymour's going to need his own desk button to counter Kim Jong Un before long.

"Will NOT!!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Good point...

The Felines Don't Hold Back on Feline Friday

Editing The FBI For Fun and Burritos

Something else for cnn's Jim Crybaby Acosta to whine about.

My pet rock, Seymour, loves it when I let him do a scam email edit.

Especially when it's a scam email from the FBI.

Like this one:


FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION.
Anti-Terrorist and Monitory Crimes Division.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation.
J. Edgar. Hoover Building Washington D.C
FRAUDWATCH@FBI-ONLINE-INC.US.TT,

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION.

ATTN: ATM CARD PAYMENT BENEFICIARY,

(FBI) PAYMENT MEMO TO PAYMENT BENEFICIARY.

GOOD NEWS FOR YOU FROM THE FBI UNITED STATES. WE HAD A MEETING WITH INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND AND FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA/ BENIN OVER YOUR LONG OVERDUE CONTRACT PAYMENT AND  WE AGREED WITH THEM THAT YOUR FUND SHOULD NOT COST YOU ANYTHING BECAUSE IS YOUR MONEY, WHICH WE FINALLY REACHED AN AGREEMENT YESTERDAY THAT ALL THE PAYMENT WILL BE  PAID VIA ATM SMART CARD WHICH IS THE SIMPLEST WAY TO TRANSFER HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY TO AVOID COST OF TRANSFER AND OTHER STATUTORY DOCUMENTS, WHICH WE STRETCHED TO HAVE A STRONG AGREEMENT OVER THE PAYMENT THAT WILL COST YOU ONLY $200 USD FOR DELIVERY OF YOUR ATM SMART CARD VIA  UPS DELIVERY COMPANY DEPENDING ON YOUR CHOICE.HOWEVER, YOU HAVE ONLY TWO WORKING DAYS TO SEND THIS REQUIRED FEE OF $200 USD TO UPS COURIER COMPANY FOR DELIVERING OF YOUR CARD BECAUSE YOUR CARD WILL BE DISPATCH TO THEM IMMEDIATELY. AND IF WE DON’T HEAR FROM YOU WITH THE PAYMENT INFORMATION: THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION WILL NOT  HESITATE BY GIVEN INSTRUCTION TO FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA/BENIN AND THE INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT TO CANCEL YOUR PAYMENT THAT HAS BEEN ALREADY APPROVED AND PROGRAMMED IN AN ATM SMART CARD.I WANT YOU TO READ BELOW CAREFULLY, THE NOTICE BELOW STAND AS CAUTION BEFORE IT IS LATE. FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION, YOU MUST BE CONSCIOUS OF THIS PROJECT, AS I WILL SOON CONCLUDE THIS TRANSACTION WITH YOU, LET THIS STAND AS A WARNING BEFORE YOU  IN CASE YOU RECEIVED  ANY E-MAILS OR CALLS REGARDING TO THIS FROM ANY INDIVIDUAL, OFFICE, ORGANIZATION AND BANKS CLAIMING TO BE ME.  


It went on for several more paragiraffes, but you get the genital ideer h'yar.

Well, Seymour was all over it.  And amusingly, he found a way to work into it a mention or two of two of his favorite females out there:  Mock 'n Daisy of COTR (since Mock connected with him recently on LinkedIn).

I'm not so sure that Mock 'n Daisy will be as amused:

FEDERAL BURRITO OF INGESTIGATION.
Anti-Terrorist and MAN FROM UNCLE Momentary Crimes Division.
Federal Burrito Of Ingestigation.
J. Comey's A Crybaby Building Washington D.C
HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH@FBI-ONLINE-INC.US.TT

FEDERAL BURRITO OF INGESTIGATION.

ATTN: FBI HAS SPECIAL ON RETRIEVED ERASED EMAILS ON THE HELLARY THING

(FBI) MEMO ON RICHARD DURBIN'S SEX WITH MARMOTS YOUTUBE VIDEO

GOOD NEWS FOR YOU FROM THE FBI UNITED STATES:  WE ARRESTED THAT GAWDDAMNED GEICO GECKO AND CHARGED HIM WITH LEERING AND PEERING WITH THE ATTEMPT TO CREEP AND CRAWL IN A PUSSY COSTUME DURING THE WOMYN'S TANTRUM STOMP IN DC.  AND IN HIS POSSESSION, DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE FOUND???  PICTURES OF FLO FROM PROGRESSIVE AND CHUCK U SCHUMER LEAVING A TACO BELL IN NEWARK AT 3AM WITH AN INFLATABLE HELLARY SEX TOY, WHILE RIDING A YAK AND PLAYING A UKELELE.

WE ARRESTED THE UKELELE.

WE HAD A MEETING WITH INTERNATIONAL RUSSIANS WHO LEAKED ON WIKILEAKS ON BEQUARTERS OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA/ BENIN OVER YOUR LONG OVERDUE PROTOLOGY EXAM AND  WE AGREED WITH THEM THAT THE PICTURES OF YOUR EXAM SHOULD NOT BE SHOWN ON TODAY, BUT PROBABLY WILL BE AIRED ON CNN BECAUSE CNN HAS NOTHING LEFT BUT BEING SORDID.

 WE FINALLY REACHED AN AGREEMENT YESTERDAY THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP WILL BE INTERVIEWED BY THE JACK-IN-THE-BOX DRIVE-THRU CLOWN WHO WILL BE CHANNELING ROBERT MUELLER THROUGH THE ASS END OF A BURRO.  BTW, DID YOU KNOW THAT ROBERT MUELLER AND JOHN F***ING KERRY LOOK LIKE LONG LOST BROTHERS FROM ANOTHER MOTHER? 

OUR FOGGY BOTTOMS OPERATORS ARE ALL STANDING BY FOR FISA TAP WARRANTS TO PRE-DETERMINE WHO'S GOING TO WIN THE NEXT COTR "WHO LAUGHS MORE" COMPETITION.  WE HAVE OUR MONEY ON MOCK BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT DAISY IS STACKING THE VIDEOS 8-5 IN HER FAVOR.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THIS EMAIL WILL ONLY COST YOU $200 USD?  WHY?  BECAUSE WE'RE THE FBI AND WE SAY SO.  WE DON'T DO BONUSES FOR TAX CUTS HERE.  WE'RE NOT WIRED THAT WAY EVER SINCE OBOLA AND HELLARY GOT THEIR HOOKS INTO THE COMESTER VIA THE MUELLER WHO LOOKS LIKE KERRY BECAUSE THEY'RE FROM THE SAME MUTATING BUTT POLYP.

THE FEDERAL BURRITO OF INGESTIGATION WILL NOT  HESITATE BY GIVEN INSTRUCTION TO FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA/BENIN TO CANCEL HAVING A STAR NAMED IN YOUR LOVED ONE'S BEHALF IF YOU DON'T SEND THE $200 USD SOONEST.  I WANT YOU TO READ BELOW CAREFULLY, THE NOTICE BELOW STAND AS CAUTION BEFORE IT IS LATE. FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION, YOU MUST BE CONSCIOUS OF THIS PROJECT, AND REMEMBER TO READ EVERY THIRD WORD BACKWARD.  IT'S KIND OF LIKE A CODE...LIKE IF YOU PLAY A BEATLES RECORD BACKWARD AND HEAR JOHN OR PAUL SHOUTING "DEVIL BUNNIES, DEVIL BUNNIES, I SNORT THE BANANA" OR SOMETHING.  

 

LET THIS STAND AS A WARNING BEFORE YOU  IN CASE YOU RECEIVED  ANY E-MAILS OR CALLS REGARDING TO THIS FROM ANY INDIVIDUAL, OFFICE, ORGANIZATION AND BANKS CLAIMING TO BE ME.  IT COULD ONLY BE ME IF I SOUND LIKE I SNORTED HELIUM AS I HAVE SPEAKS TO YOU.

BE INFORMED THAT YOU MAY ALSO RECEIVE SEVERAL E-MAILS AND TELEPHONE CALLS FROM ANY ORGANIZATION DEMANDING TO KNOW WHY YOU DON'T DONATE TO THE NANCY BELA PELOSI BOTOX FUND;  SUCH MUST BE FORWARDED TO A BASSETT HOUND NAMED BHUELAH IMMEDIATELY FOR VERIFICATION...WE NEED TO SEE IF BHUELAH WILL READ OR JUST PEE ON IT FIRST.  AUTHENTICATION HERE COMES IN MANY FORMS, EACH WEIRDER THAN THE LAST. 

IT MIGHT COME TO YOU WITH DIFFERENT PROPOSALS IN AZERBAIJANI, IN WHICH CASE NEVER MIND, AS WE DON'T SPEAK THAT, AND THE BREAD WEARING CHIHUAHUA TRIO WE HAD IN 2016 RETIRED.

NEXT COMES OUR SUBSTANDARD DISCLAIMER, WHICH READS LIKE STEREO INSTRUCTIONS FROM THE MOVIE BEETLEJUICE:  WITH DIFFERENT NAMES INCLUDING MY NAME ASKING YOU TO COME AND PUT ON A PUSSY HAT, TUTU AND HELLARY PANT SUIT WITH INFLATABLE HIPS BELONGING TO YOU OR TO SOMEBODY YOU DO NOT KNOW.  I URGE YOU TO IGNORE IT IF IT COMES FROM MORNING JOE AND MENTALLY MARINATED MIKA, WHILE YOU FORWARD IT TO US.

I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR ME IS WHETHER YOU HAD A PET ROCK OR NOT ON YOUR LINKEDIN CONTACT LIST.

 NEXT WE HAVE THIS MEANINGLESS LIST OF NAMES AND NUMBERS OF PERSONS OF DUBIOUS ANTECEDENCE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN IN YOUR KITCHEN:

JOHNNY ALMANTE ==============1Z2X59394198080570
GARY METZGER ==============1Z2X59394195952759
GLEN PAPANIKAS ==============1Z2X59394198690947
CAROL R BUCZYNSKI ==============1Z2X59394197862530
KARIMA EMELIA TAYLOR ==============1Z2X59394198591527
LISA LAIRD ==============1Z2X59394196641913
POLLY SHAYKIN ==============1Z2X59394198817702

MOREOVER, THIS IS ANOTHER PEOPLE THAT RECEIVED TELEPATHETIC INSTRUCTIONS FROM A WAFFLE IRON THROUGH UPS WEBSITE (WWW.UPS.COM).

RICHARD AUTRY ============== 869713119185
GARY METZGER ============== 871363130860
MARK STUBBS ==============871363116168

HOWEVER, BE ADVISED BASED ON OUR RECOMMENDATION/INSTRUCTIONS THAT IF YOU FIND THEM IN YOUR BATHROOM, TOSS IN A LYSOL GRENADE AND SLAM THE DOOR.

FINALLY -- YES, THERE IS A FINALITY HERE -- YOU SHOULD CONTACT THIS PERSON BECAUSE HE IS A REVEREND.  WELL, MAYBE NOT A REVEREND IN THE REVERENDIAL SENSE, BUT WE DID GET HIM A COLLAR AND DID PUT HIM OUT ON A STREET CORNER TO PREACH THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MATTHEW MARK LUKE AND DUCK.  IT WAS DURING THAT LAST CHAPTER THAT HE QUACKED UP AND BEGAN THINKING THAT HE WAS HELLARY AND DEMANDING TO KNOW WHY HE WASN'T UP FIFTY POINTS, WHEN IT WAS REALLY ONLY FIFTY POUNDS.

 CONTACT PERSON: REV.JAMES LONG.
UPS EXPRESS SERVICE
EMAIL ADDRESS: (upsexpservice011@gmail.com
DIRECT TELL +229-9652 6788

YOU'RE ADVISED TO CONTACT HIM IMMEDIATELY SO AS TO ENABLE HIM TO AVOID DONNING A PUSSY HAT AND MARCHING WITH MARMOTS DEMANDING THAT AL FRANKEN RESIGN FROM LOOKING LIKE A MARMOT.

NOTE: YOU'RE ADVISED TO FURNISH  AN E FLAT OR C SHARP.

WHEN YOU FINISH READING THIS AND CANNOT FATHOM THE CONTENTS HEREIN, JUST REMEMBER THAT IF THE CONSTIPATED MATHEMATICIAN COULD WORK IT OUT WITH A PENCIL, WE FIGURE YOU'LL FIND A WAY TOO. 

JUST DON'T CHEW ON THAT PENCIL AFTERWARD.  YUCK.

BEST REGARDS WE CAN MANAGE AFTER AN EMAIL LIKE THIS
Christopher A. Wary
Federal Burrito of Ingestigation
J. Comey Crybaby Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, D.C.
20535-0001, USA

Note: Disregard any email you get from any impostors or offices claiming to be in possession of pictures of you leaving a Motel 6 with a slow leaking Jim Acosta doll, whining about being called fake news.  We already bought all of those pictures and are holding onto them to sell them to Russia in case you run for president of Wikileaks or get your hands on weaponized helium which you use on a radio show in Indianapolis.  

 

 

The latest scam version of the FBI had no reply to make to this.  But perhaps Seymour will make Mock and Daisy's Wall of Shame.

 

"Will NOT!!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"