Editing The FBI For Fun and Burritos

Something else for cnn's Jim Crybaby Acosta to whine about.

My pet rock, Seymour, loves it when I let him do a scam email edit.

Especially when it's a scam email from the FBI.

Like this one:


FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION.
Anti-Terrorist and Monitory Crimes Division.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation.
J. Edgar. Hoover Building Washington D.C
FRAUDWATCH@FBI-ONLINE-INC.US.TT,

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION.

ATTN: ATM CARD PAYMENT BENEFICIARY,

(FBI) PAYMENT MEMO TO PAYMENT BENEFICIARY.

GOOD NEWS FOR YOU FROM THE FBI UNITED STATES. WE HAD A MEETING WITH INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND AND FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA/ BENIN OVER YOUR LONG OVERDUE CONTRACT PAYMENT AND  WE AGREED WITH THEM THAT YOUR FUND SHOULD NOT COST YOU ANYTHING BECAUSE IS YOUR MONEY, WHICH WE FINALLY REACHED AN AGREEMENT YESTERDAY THAT ALL THE PAYMENT WILL BE  PAID VIA ATM SMART CARD WHICH IS THE SIMPLEST WAY TO TRANSFER HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY TO AVOID COST OF TRANSFER AND OTHER STATUTORY DOCUMENTS, WHICH WE STRETCHED TO HAVE A STRONG AGREEMENT OVER THE PAYMENT THAT WILL COST YOU ONLY $200 USD FOR DELIVERY OF YOUR ATM SMART CARD VIA  UPS DELIVERY COMPANY DEPENDING ON YOUR CHOICE.HOWEVER, YOU HAVE ONLY TWO WORKING DAYS TO SEND THIS REQUIRED FEE OF $200 USD TO UPS COURIER COMPANY FOR DELIVERING OF YOUR CARD BECAUSE YOUR CARD WILL BE DISPATCH TO THEM IMMEDIATELY. AND IF WE DON’T HEAR FROM YOU WITH THE PAYMENT INFORMATION: THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION WILL NOT  HESITATE BY GIVEN INSTRUCTION TO FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA/BENIN AND THE INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT TO CANCEL YOUR PAYMENT THAT HAS BEEN ALREADY APPROVED AND PROGRAMMED IN AN ATM SMART CARD.I WANT YOU TO READ BELOW CAREFULLY, THE NOTICE BELOW STAND AS CAUTION BEFORE IT IS LATE. FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION, YOU MUST BE CONSCIOUS OF THIS PROJECT, AS I WILL SOON CONCLUDE THIS TRANSACTION WITH YOU, LET THIS STAND AS A WARNING BEFORE YOU  IN CASE YOU RECEIVED  ANY E-MAILS OR CALLS REGARDING TO THIS FROM ANY INDIVIDUAL, OFFICE, ORGANIZATION AND BANKS CLAIMING TO BE ME.  


It went on for several more paragiraffes, but you get the genital ideer h'yar.

Well, Seymour was all over it.  And amusingly, he found a way to work into it a mention or two of two of his favorite females out there:  Mock 'n Daisy of COTR (since Mock connected with him recently on LinkedIn).

I'm not so sure that Mock 'n Daisy will be as amused:

FEDERAL BURRITO OF INGESTIGATION.
Anti-Terrorist and MAN FROM UNCLE Momentary Crimes Division.
Federal Burrito Of Ingestigation.
J. Comey's A Crybaby Building Washington D.C
HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH@FBI-ONLINE-INC.US.TT

FEDERAL BURRITO OF INGESTIGATION.

ATTN: FBI HAS SPECIAL ON RETRIEVED ERASED EMAILS ON THE HELLARY THING

(FBI) MEMO ON RICHARD DURBIN'S SEX WITH MARMOTS YOUTUBE VIDEO

GOOD NEWS FOR YOU FROM THE FBI UNITED STATES:  WE ARRESTED THAT GAWDDAMNED GEICO GECKO AND CHARGED HIM WITH LEERING AND PEERING WITH THE ATTEMPT TO CREEP AND CRAWL IN A PUSSY COSTUME DURING THE WOMYN'S TANTRUM STOMP IN DC.  AND IN HIS POSSESSION, DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE FOUND???  PICTURES OF FLO FROM PROGRESSIVE AND CHUCK U SCHUMER LEAVING A TACO BELL IN NEWARK AT 3AM WITH AN INFLATABLE HELLARY SEX TOY, WHILE RIDING A YAK AND PLAYING A UKELELE.

WE ARRESTED THE UKELELE.

WE HAD A MEETING WITH INTERNATIONAL RUSSIANS WHO LEAKED ON WIKILEAKS ON BEQUARTERS OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA/ BENIN OVER YOUR LONG OVERDUE PROTOLOGY EXAM AND  WE AGREED WITH THEM THAT THE PICTURES OF YOUR EXAM SHOULD NOT BE SHOWN ON TODAY, BUT PROBABLY WILL BE AIRED ON CNN BECAUSE CNN HAS NOTHING LEFT BUT BEING SORDID.

 WE FINALLY REACHED AN AGREEMENT YESTERDAY THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP WILL BE INTERVIEWED BY THE JACK-IN-THE-BOX DRIVE-THRU CLOWN WHO WILL BE CHANNELING ROBERT MUELLER THROUGH THE ASS END OF A BURRO.  BTW, DID YOU KNOW THAT ROBERT MUELLER AND JOHN F***ING KERRY LOOK LIKE LONG LOST BROTHERS FROM ANOTHER MOTHER? 

OUR FOGGY BOTTOMS OPERATORS ARE ALL STANDING BY FOR FISA TAP WARRANTS TO PRE-DETERMINE WHO'S GOING TO WIN THE NEXT COTR "WHO LAUGHS MORE" COMPETITION.  WE HAVE OUR MONEY ON MOCK BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT DAISY IS STACKING THE VIDEOS 8-5 IN HER FAVOR.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THIS EMAIL WILL ONLY COST YOU $200 USD?  WHY?  BECAUSE WE'RE THE FBI AND WE SAY SO.  WE DON'T DO BONUSES FOR TAX CUTS HERE.  WE'RE NOT WIRED THAT WAY EVER SINCE OBOLA AND HELLARY GOT THEIR HOOKS INTO THE COMESTER VIA THE MUELLER WHO LOOKS LIKE KERRY BECAUSE THEY'RE FROM THE SAME MUTATING BUTT POLYP.

THE FEDERAL BURRITO OF INGESTIGATION WILL NOT  HESITATE BY GIVEN INSTRUCTION TO FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA/BENIN TO CANCEL HAVING A STAR NAMED IN YOUR LOVED ONE'S BEHALF IF YOU DON'T SEND THE $200 USD SOONEST.  I WANT YOU TO READ BELOW CAREFULLY, THE NOTICE BELOW STAND AS CAUTION BEFORE IT IS LATE. FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION, YOU MUST BE CONSCIOUS OF THIS PROJECT, AND REMEMBER TO READ EVERY THIRD WORD BACKWARD.  IT'S KIND OF LIKE A CODE...LIKE IF YOU PLAY A BEATLES RECORD BACKWARD AND HEAR JOHN OR PAUL SHOUTING "DEVIL BUNNIES, DEVIL BUNNIES, I SNORT THE BANANA" OR SOMETHING.  

 

LET THIS STAND AS A WARNING BEFORE YOU  IN CASE YOU RECEIVED  ANY E-MAILS OR CALLS REGARDING TO THIS FROM ANY INDIVIDUAL, OFFICE, ORGANIZATION AND BANKS CLAIMING TO BE ME.  IT COULD ONLY BE ME IF I SOUND LIKE I SNORTED HELIUM AS I HAVE SPEAKS TO YOU.

BE INFORMED THAT YOU MAY ALSO RECEIVE SEVERAL E-MAILS AND TELEPHONE CALLS FROM ANY ORGANIZATION DEMANDING TO KNOW WHY YOU DON'T DONATE TO THE NANCY BELA PELOSI BOTOX FUND;  SUCH MUST BE FORWARDED TO A BASSETT HOUND NAMED BHUELAH IMMEDIATELY FOR VERIFICATION...WE NEED TO SEE IF BHUELAH WILL READ OR JUST PEE ON IT FIRST.  AUTHENTICATION HERE COMES IN MANY FORMS, EACH WEIRDER THAN THE LAST. 

IT MIGHT COME TO YOU WITH DIFFERENT PROPOSALS IN AZERBAIJANI, IN WHICH CASE NEVER MIND, AS WE DON'T SPEAK THAT, AND THE BREAD WEARING CHIHUAHUA TRIO WE HAD IN 2016 RETIRED.

NEXT COMES OUR SUBSTANDARD DISCLAIMER, WHICH READS LIKE STEREO INSTRUCTIONS FROM THE MOVIE BEETLEJUICE:  WITH DIFFERENT NAMES INCLUDING MY NAME ASKING YOU TO COME AND PUT ON A PUSSY HAT, TUTU AND HELLARY PANT SUIT WITH INFLATABLE HIPS BELONGING TO YOU OR TO SOMEBODY YOU DO NOT KNOW.  I URGE YOU TO IGNORE IT IF IT COMES FROM MORNING JOE AND MENTALLY MARINATED MIKA, WHILE YOU FORWARD IT TO US.

I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR ME IS WHETHER YOU HAD A PET ROCK OR NOT ON YOUR LINKEDIN CONTACT LIST.

 NEXT WE HAVE THIS MEANINGLESS LIST OF NAMES AND NUMBERS OF PERSONS OF DUBIOUS ANTECEDENCE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN IN YOUR KITCHEN:

JOHNNY ALMANTE ==============1Z2X59394198080570
GARY METZGER ==============1Z2X59394195952759
GLEN PAPANIKAS ==============1Z2X59394198690947
CAROL R BUCZYNSKI ==============1Z2X59394197862530
KARIMA EMELIA TAYLOR ==============1Z2X59394198591527
LISA LAIRD ==============1Z2X59394196641913
POLLY SHAYKIN ==============1Z2X59394198817702

MOREOVER, THIS IS ANOTHER PEOPLE THAT RECEIVED TELEPATHETIC INSTRUCTIONS FROM A WAFFLE IRON THROUGH UPS WEBSITE (WWW.UPS.COM).

RICHARD AUTRY ============== 869713119185
GARY METZGER ============== 871363130860
MARK STUBBS ==============871363116168

HOWEVER, BE ADVISED BASED ON OUR RECOMMENDATION/INSTRUCTIONS THAT IF YOU FIND THEM IN YOUR BATHROOM, TOSS IN A LYSOL GRENADE AND SLAM THE DOOR.

FINALLY -- YES, THERE IS A FINALITY HERE -- YOU SHOULD CONTACT THIS PERSON BECAUSE HE IS A REVEREND.  WELL, MAYBE NOT A REVEREND IN THE REVERENDIAL SENSE, BUT WE DID GET HIM A COLLAR AND DID PUT HIM OUT ON A STREET CORNER TO PREACH THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MATTHEW MARK LUKE AND DUCK.  IT WAS DURING THAT LAST CHAPTER THAT HE QUACKED UP AND BEGAN THINKING THAT HE WAS HELLARY AND DEMANDING TO KNOW WHY HE WASN'T UP FIFTY POINTS, WHEN IT WAS REALLY ONLY FIFTY POUNDS.

 CONTACT PERSON: REV.JAMES LONG.
UPS EXPRESS SERVICE
EMAIL ADDRESS: (upsexpservice011@gmail.com
DIRECT TELL +229-9652 6788

YOU'RE ADVISED TO CONTACT HIM IMMEDIATELY SO AS TO ENABLE HIM TO AVOID DONNING A PUSSY HAT AND MARCHING WITH MARMOTS DEMANDING THAT AL FRANKEN RESIGN FROM LOOKING LIKE A MARMOT.

NOTE: YOU'RE ADVISED TO FURNISH  AN E FLAT OR C SHARP.

WHEN YOU FINISH READING THIS AND CANNOT FATHOM THE CONTENTS HEREIN, JUST REMEMBER THAT IF THE CONSTIPATED MATHEMATICIAN COULD WORK IT OUT WITH A PENCIL, WE FIGURE YOU'LL FIND A WAY TOO. 

JUST DON'T CHEW ON THAT PENCIL AFTERWARD.  YUCK.

BEST REGARDS WE CAN MANAGE AFTER AN EMAIL LIKE THIS
Christopher A. Wary
Federal Burrito of Ingestigation
J. Comey Crybaby Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, D.C.
20535-0001, USA

Note: Disregard any email you get from any impostors or offices claiming to be in possession of pictures of you leaving a Motel 6 with a slow leaking Jim Acosta doll, whining about being called fake news.  We already bought all of those pictures and are holding onto them to sell them to Russia in case you run for president of Wikileaks or get your hands on weaponized helium which you use on a radio show in Indianapolis.  

 

 

The latest scam version of the FBI had no reply to make to this.  But perhaps Seymour will make Mock and Daisy's Wall of Shame.

 

"Will NOT!!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"