Sunday, March 25, 2018

Oprah 'n the Manatees

Alleged celebrities should really discourage scammers from using their names.

Even sorta kinda.

Take this email scam my character got recently:


I Am Ms.Jane Oparah, an Accountant with the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (N.N.P.C.). I Headed A Seven-Man Tenders Board In Charge Of Contract Awards And Payment Approvals. I Came To Know Of You In My Search For A Reliable And Reputable Person To Handle A Very confidential Transaction Which Involves The Transfer Of A Huge Sum Of Money To A Foreign Account. There Were Series Of Contracts Executed By A Consortium Of Mufti-Nationals In The Oil Industry In Favour Of N.N.P.C. The Original Value Of This Contracts Were Deliberately Over-Invoiced To The Sum Of USD$32,000,000.00 (Thirty Two Million United States Dollars)this Amount Has Been Approved And Is Now Ready To Be Transferred, Being That The Companies That Actually Executed These Contracts Have Been Fully Paid And The Projects Officially Commissioned.

Consequently,I who are privy to this Excess funds are soliciting for your assistance to get this funds transferred abroad into a foreign account For Subsequent Disbursement, Since we as Civil Servants Are Prohibited By The Code Of Conduct Bureau (Civil Service Law) From Operating And/or-opening Foreign Accounts In Our Names. Needless To Say, The Trust Reposed On You At This Juncture Is Enormous.

In Return, I Have Agreed To Offer You 35% Of The Transferred Sum,and 60% will be for me, While 5% Shall Be Set Aside For Incidental Expenses (Internal And External) Between Parties In The Course Of The Transaction.

You Will Be Mandated To Remit The Balance To Other Accounts In Due Course. Modalities Have Been Worked Out At The Highest Level and The Fund is Deposited in Union Bank Of Nigeria (U.B.N) For The Immediate Transfer Of The Funds Within 14 Working Days Subject To Your Satisfaction Of The Above Stated Terms and condition. Our Assurance Is That Your Role Is Risk Free.

To Accord This Transaction The Legality It Deserves And For Mutual Security Of The Funds The Whole Approval Procedures Will Be Officially And Legally Processed With Your Name Or The Name Of Any Company You May Nominate As The Benefice Beneficiary.

Once More, I Want You To Understand That Having Put In Over Ten Years In The Civil Service Of My Country, I Am Averse To Having My Image And Career Dented. This Matter Should Therefore Be Treated With The Utmost Secrecy And Urgency It Deserves. Kindly Expedite Action As We Are Behind Schedule To Enable Us Include This Transfer In This Batch Which Would Constitute The First Quarter Payments For The 2018 Financial Year.  



My pet rock, Seymour, saw the edit possumbilities instanters.

"Did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"


So he says NOW...but a short time ago, my pet rock penned this edit of the above scam email:


From: MS. OPARAH WINDFRIED< sydneyemeka@yahoo.com>
Sent: Thursday, February 22, 2018 10:55 PM
Subject: Dang, a run in my crotch
 

I Am Ms. Oparah Windfried, an oversized diet expert and talk show dumbinary who considered running for president before discovering what I thought was a stretch mark was actually a run in my crotch.

Hate when that happens.
On behalf of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (N.N.P.C.). I gave head to a Seven-Man Tenders Board In Charge Of a local fly-infested internet cafĂ© outside of Lagos. I Came To Know Of You In My Search For an unReliable And disReputable Person To have on my show Which Involves The illegal and illicit world trade and Transfer Of A Huge number of sexually abused hamsters. During our research for this show, it was also learned that a new global trade in dumping t-shirts from failed political crimepaigns on manatees for ESPN commercials was engineered by the Clinton Crimedation, In Favour Of N.N.P.C. in exchange for extortion-level donations to the Clinton Globull Crimedation.

All the while, Hellary can't figure out how she lost being 50 points up, while gnawing on a Tide pod to prove she's one with the millennials.

Consequently, I who are wedged in a privy because some yutz let the toilet seat up and I didn't notice, are soliciting for your assistance to get my wedged ass out of here, Since public privies in Shotcago tend to go uncleaned for months at a time because of some peculiar clause in the Federal Endangered Feces Act, taken up as a cause by dumbed down activists in the Occupy something-anything movement.  Needless To Say, The eating of those Tide pods by millennials has taken a toll on critical thinking that is proving almost as Enormous as Hellary's ass.

In Return, I Have Agreed To Offer You 35% Of The Vaseline required to lube my ass out of here.

 You Will Be species/gender-neutraldated To Remit an essay explaining how everything bad in the world is the fault of Donald Trump going back 10,000 years, in 50 words or less.  I'd make it longer, but those Tide pods affect clarity of mind and articulating written words too.  Modalities Have Been Worked Out At The Highest Level on an abacus used by a yak as a sex toy in Kirovsk in 2014 and Deposited in the WTF Museum of Sexual Artiphucks, located in the basement of the DNC and guarded by a video of Nancy Bela Pelosi making some of the dumbest comments since Hank Johnson had Guam tipping over.  My Assurance Is That Your Role Is Risky in the extreme, 'cuz if this misfires, I will simply out you to the lamestream servile mediocres and use you to cover up democrap corruption in the news cycle.

 I'm the Oparah, and can do that.

Once More, I Want You To Understand That Having gotten wedged in the public privy in Shotcago, I Am Averse To Having My Image And Career Dented with pictures of this coming out in the Weekly World News. This Matter Should Therefore Be Treated With The Utmost Secrecy And Urgency It Deserves. Kindly Expedite Action As I Are Behind Schedule because I'm stuck here and can't afford to do a remote from here ("and now, back to Oparah, wedged in a Shotcago privy"...) so as to Enable me to do a show at some point about people who get runs in their crotches.

Yours Sincerely,
Ms. Oparah Windfried  
 
 
When Seymour came up with that "run in the crotch" line, I do believe even he actually winced...

"Did N..er..so..ewwwww".

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