Don't Proctoscope The Elephant

Some jobs truly ARE worse than others.

Being a scammer and writing to one of my characters is probably on par with this h'yar.

Like this poor bastard found out:

Dearest friend in the Lord, I am Branch Leader and youth adviser to (Late Philanthropist Reverend Peter Milner ) who slept in the Lord on May 27th 2016 and after his death,we saw your contact from the file of our Late Philanthropist Reverend Peter Milner and we decide to write you because he want to donate fund for you to use it for Almighty God in your country before he died and you have nothing to lose than to receive the cheque fund and used it for Almighty God work because what is the benefit of a man that gain the whole world and lose the kingdom of God? Please as you read this message go ahead and get back to Convenant Church of God so that we can be able to press further with you on how to receive the cheque fund as soon as possible and we advise you to re-forward your full information below to enable us to cross check it again. 1.Your Full name 2.Your Full Home Address and your Country 3.Your Phone Number 4.Your Occupation 5.Your Age 6.Your Identification E.G International Passport Page or Driving License Kindly forward your reply to convenantchurchofgod@gmail.com in other to re-confirm it again for further action to take place and upon the receipt of your full details then we shall give you the contact of the shipping company with there website for you to contact them on how to receive your cheque fund. Yours in Christ, Rev. John Tom Convenant Church of God mayraandrea@workmail.com   

 

 

He probably thought the churchly sounding tone would help.  Sadly, the particular character he sent it to was not impressed any more than the elephant was, especially after the edit:

 

 

From: CONVENIENT CHURCH OF EBENEZER TOILET TRAINING FOR GOATS <convenantchurchofgod@gmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, October 6, 2016 4:05 PM
To: twatwaffleironhaid@hotmail.com
Subject: MAY WAS A FEW MONTHS AGO

 

Dearest Genital Duck Lips, I am Branch Leader and youth adviser to a shrunken and stuffed inflatable version of hellary's primate email server from which all things to Wikileaks and every foreign government on this Earth and 27 nearest planets flow.  The Late Show personal proctologist to Philanthropist Reverend Peter Milner -- after trying to give a proctology exam to an elephant during a frat party -- now slept with a deitized inflatable Headweg Owl looking thing on May 27th 2016 and after his death, we saw your contact in his collection of hacked emails from hellary's server and we decide to write you because he want to donate his collection of Beatles records played backwards to a house of blue cheese fries and farts in Hoboken, and he misfigured that you'd use it for Almighty Kielbasa in your country before he was trunk wrapped and slammed against a tree about five dozen times by that very unamused elephant that was not the least into anal sex with a stranger dressed like either a proctologist or a clown in the woods.  He figured that you have nothing to lose since the elephant doesn't know you as yet, and perhaps can avoid the elephant and get your hands on his collection of Beatles backward recordings and use it for Almighty Kielbasa or some other frankenfurter looking things because what is the benefit of a man that gain the whole world and lose the kingdom of Hoboken?

Probably one very lucky bastard.

Please as you read this message go ahead and get back to CONVENIENT CHURCH OF EBENEZER TOILET TRAINING FOR GOATS so that we can be able to press further with you on how to set into motion a series of events that will convince you that you're on drugs and they're some really BAD hallucinagens as soon as possible and we advise you to re-forward your unbackward full information below to enable us to cross check it again with the elephant when he's done stomping a village full of proctologists.

1.Your Full name 2.Your Full Home Address and your Country 3.Your Phone Number 4.Your Occupation 5.Your Age 6.Your Identification E.G International Passport Page or Driving License, none of which will do you any good but will help the elephant recognize you since they don't forget but boy can they get pissy.

 Kindly forward your reply to  convenantchurchofgod@gmail.com  in order and in Angelican Pelicanese Grecian formulaed Spanglish, and then to re-confirm it again in Azerbaijani for further action to take place and upon the receipt of your full details; after all that,  then we shall give you the contact of our head poodle lipped f**kwagon with a dilapidated yak cart that passes in West Africa for a shipping company with orifices that monkeys usually crap in. 

 Yours in Hoboken,

Rev. John Tom

CONVENIENT CHURCH OF EBENEZER TOILET TRAINING FOR GOATS     

mayraandrea@workmail.com

or  convenantchurchofgod@gmail.com 

A Title IX and stuffed animal Violator  

 

 

This drew no reply from the scammer, but one former scammer did beg us for the umpteenth time to quit sending him this stuff thus:

 

 

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Once the elephant is pissed off, there's no stopping him.  Sawwy.

 

 

My character is such an unhelpful sot  ;-)

 

Heer Now

Forward or backward, many scammer emails probably sound no different than Bill the Cat's tongue bwonger.

My latest scammer isn't sure what hit his email, but he was fool enough to inquire about it.

First, his ploy:

My name is James Heer, a Trader, Auditor, Mentor, Investment Manager, Logistics Expert and General Business Man, I stay in London, UK. I contact you in respect of establishing a business relationship with you.

There is a certain amount of money that belongs to me. I intend to take the money out of the Germany to another location and bring back the money on a later date for investment and my own personal use. I made this money in the course of auditing a big Investment Firm in Germany and discovered this money as some excesses.

When I discovered these funds, I discussed the issue with the Company's accountant General as well as their personal relationship banker/adviser. This company in question is a very huge company and has been doing business for a very long time, since 1950s.

In the course of genuine business over this period, the money described above has been floating in the banking system and was recently made known to the Company's Accountant General by me. The Company's Accountant General has been a close friend of mine over time. I've been one of this company's Official Auditor General for over 25 years.

You may now understand why we need to take the money safely out of Germany before spending it. Here's our plan, we intend to get a neutral individual who is willing and able to receive this money in form of investment funds to be used by the individual in infrastructural projects, real estate investment or trade etc.

This is just to get the funds out of The Bank where it is presently, to the receiver's bank only. However, the deal is that the funds would be shared into 4 equal places and each of us would be entitled to equal parts of the funds after you receive. I'm talking about Me, You, The Company's Accountant General and The Senior Officer at The Bank who is the company's personal relationship banker/adviser.

We do not require any complicated paperwork or lawyer agreements etc to get this work done. Our agreement would be between 4 of us only as we require utmost confidentiality in this matter. You do not have to tell your bank the details being given in respect of these funds. All we require from you is your willingness and ability to receive the funds in question.

With all these in place, The Bank will initiate wire transfer of the funds to your account. We expect that we act according to the agreement we shall get to in respect of this. This isn't a risky operation or money laundering. Its just a simple opportunity which we intend to exploit using an absolute stranger.  

Had he worded it "exploiting an absolute stranger", it might have achieved a level of honesty hellary will never be able to match.

I had my pet rock, Seymour, read back the entire email backward, to seek any possible demonic hidden meanings therein; even teh Gooble translator wouldn't touch what Seymour was babbling.

"!tfffffffffffffffhp hO"

He still is.

Nonetheless, the theme was set and the edit went ahead thus:

My name is James Horlicker Heer; I am a traitor, a loser, a gooser, and I'm a flivver.  I have tried being a trader, an auditor, an mentos, an incestment Manager, a Logistics Expert with 'x' being the unknowd factor and spert being a drip of water under pressure.  In snort, I is a primate Business gender neutral of dubious monkeycedence.  I stay in London, UK. I contact you on accounta cuz my handlers in the fly infested internet café in Lagos demands it.  And on accounta cuz I wants relationship with your twat waffle iron.

There is a certain amount of money that belongs to me. I think it's a buck one eighty or some pithily insignificant amount.  I intend to take the money out of the Germany that it got putted into once ago, to another location like a Switzerland, Uganda, Ubangee, Ungabunga or Uranus, which ever is reachable firstest, and bring back the money on a later date when maybe it now worth a buck two eighty or so for my own personal use. I made this money in the course of artificially inseminating door knobs in Liechtenstein while listening to a Beatles record backward, and the results were like a hellary crimepaign rally.

When I discovered these backward lyrics -- devil bunnies, devil bunnies, I snort the banana, bang your dong, get along, dawgie -- I discussed the issue with the witch doctor what told me what to do...oo ee oo ah ah, wing wang willa willa bing bang.

I has no f**king idea what that means.  Do you, frontward or slideways?

In the course of designing dust covers for wombats, the monkey not herein described has been floating in zero gravity and crapping all over the place in such a manure as to make the changing of zero gravity in that immediate area very likely messy once it stops zero gravitizing.  The Company's Accountant General has been a source of meth and crack for me over 25 years. It shows as this email depricks.

You may now understand why you need to run screaming the other way and not have no more speaks with me.  I am I said...I wet my bed.  But someone is needed to take my monkey safely out of Germany before it spreads gravity defying sh*t all over the place, fouling infrastructural projects, real estate investment or trade etc.

We do not require any complicated paperwork or lawyer agreements etc because we don't gots no toilet paper to use or loot in this place.  Our agreement would be between an odd assortment of bereaved douche nozzles that meet once a month at a pot shop to quality test brownies and blow bubbles in bongs.  You do not have to tell your antecedence whomsoever you believe them to be, whether hairy fungerer or cosmic muffins, the details being given in respect of these things which only the lonely would know.  All we require from you is your collection of inflatable Julie Haggerty dolls that are giving Otto Pilot a knob job at 33 psi.  And don't call her Shirley.

With all these in place, the world will be made safe from AlGore. This isn't a risky operation unless his man-bear-pig gets loose or monkey laundering gets out of control in the spin cycle. Its just a simple opportunity which we intend to exploit using an absolute stranger to the utmost of use.

Let me know if this is something you would like to be a part of. If you have any questions, kindly f**k off and die, just like the hellary crimepaign team tells debate fauxderators before they totally cave to her.  

Thanks for your time. Does anyone know what time it is?  Does anyone really care about time?  If so I can't imagine why...we've all got time enough to fart.

Regards,
James Heer Kitty Kitty.  

 

 

After receiving this, it would appear that James had a question or two:

what is this please?  it is not what I send.  Why you send this?  

What this is, Poodle Lips, is a respond to your unsolicited excrement email sandwich without a side of flies.  It IS what I send on your both halves to a whole zero gravity monkey crap load of your pekinese and collies.  You'll be happy to know that no where in your original email did I find backward Beatles lyrics depicting demonic bunnies and banana snorters.  This should be of great comfort to your fallen bowels.  You do want to keep them off the ground; army ants like munching on bowels.  


That was apparently all the explanation wanted Heer  ;-)

Celine Solution

This may or may not be Celine Ismael as she actually looks.

I'm leaning toward not.

Anyway, Celine sent my character this:

How are you today?
I am Ms.Celine Ishmael I work with the central bank of Africa.
I verify from your fund transfer file here in our bank custody that some corrupt bank staff in Africa has ganged to divert your fund into a different bank account that is not your bank account which there have already get some part of your fund transferred into a different bank , 

I also verify that there has been asking you to pay to pay money which there are using to pouches the fund back up documents in there own favor. 

Dear friend as a young lady  I like a risk free business to build my better future  therefore my interest in this mater is to help you get your fund transferred into your receiving bank account in other to have a Good reword from you once you confirms your fund there in your receiving bank account, 

Listen I think it will be good for you to get back to me with you full information’s and I promise not to fail you I must have to do all I can to get the corrupt bank officers arrested by the bank authorities and trust me to confirm your fund alert in your account but you must have to tell me worth will be my % once you get your fund transferred
Thank,   

I have plenty on my plate just now, so I had my character respond thus:

I don't have any accounts with the Central Bank of Africa.  I never have.   They don't give free toaster ovens for new accounts.  

 

 

And that nets me proof that Ms Ismael is another comprehension FAIL:

 

Thanks for your respond.

Please delay .I want you to contact the foreign remittance unit there will give you the full details of the fund and don’t hesitate to forward conversations with them as to directs you on worth next to do to avoid mistake  further

Dear friend I am just a young lady I find this transaction risk free that is the reason why I volunteer my self to help you supporting you financially to get the fund transferred into your receiving bank account without hitch but you must not betray me along  by running away with the fund after it has been confirmed transferred into your receiving bank account, my parentage must be given to me after the transfer is done,

BELOW HERE IS THE FOREIGN REMITTANCE UNIT CONTACT:

Directors name {ERIK AKIN 

Office contact E-mail bf_fundtransferdepartment@outlook.fr

Contact the office immediately with anurans massage for them to urgently attend to you and get back to me once you heir from the remittance office
Thanks   

Note that she inadvertently wrote "please delay".  That caused me a *TOING*like oh what the hell:


Okay.  How LONG should I delay per your instructions?  


Her "bank" -- Bank of Africa, Bank Fund Transfer Department -- proves no better at comprehension or spelling:

Good day,
Quirkily reconfirm to us your personal and bank account information’s which we will use to obtain your fund back up document from the ministry of finance here on your behalf,
Report back to us immediately with the required information’s
Thank for being with us  

 

Using faux bank account information from a previous scammer, how can my character respond BUT quirkily:

 

I shall do this as quirkily as possumbull:

Bank of AmeliaEarhardt

7215 W. Manchester Avenue

Los Angeles CA 90021

Account:  **********

Routing:  ********* 


Unfortunately, someone in this collection of bozoids was able to not only read English, but to figure out that my character was messing with them, as this is the last thing my character would hear from there:

jerk off  


My 'jerk' has an 'on' switch too.  Wanna test it?  


Ah reckon not...so much for that celine solution.

Making A 'Sick' Person Sicker

While that picture is enough to make any normal person sick, there are scammers out there sicker still.

They just don't know how sick, until they're edited.

Take Marilyn Graham, for example:

Dear One,

With all sincerity and humility that I write you this mail
I am undergoing medical treatment for cancer of the breast.

From all indication my conditions is really deteriorating and it
is quite obvious that I may not live up to the next four months.

I was married to my late husband for twenty years without a child.
my husband died in a fatal motor accident. Since his death I
decided not to re marry.

I have a deposit of Seven Million United States Dollars (US$7,000,000)
in a bank which I have decided to give to charities.

It is my wish to see that this money is invested.The proceeds of the
investment shall be shared between you and any charity cause of your
choice

I will send you full details as soon as I receive your reply,

Mrs. Marilyn Graham  


Guess it's a measure of my "not playing well with scamming others" that allows me to be so mean spirited as to forego $7 million USD to edit a poor scammer thus:


On Wednesday, September 28, 2016 12:37 PM, Marilyn Graham <ham_gadd@tlen.pl> wrote:

One,

Really?  One is the loneliest number?  Who f**king says so?  Certainly

not 0.

With all insincerity and horsesh*ttity that I can mustard I

write you this mail whilst I am undergoing medical treatment

for cancer of the genital augmentation, using pirated NAPA

parts from a '37 Packard.

From all indication my conditions is really defecating and it
is quite oblvious to the watchers of the Marmot Sex Change

Channel that I may not live up to their expectations in syndication.

Why'd they take The Gong Show off the air?

I was married to my late husband a day after he was late.  Needless

to say, sex with a corpse failed to produce a child, though it did

make for weird looks when I'd drop by the cemetery for a cold

one  Since I married him after he was dead, he decided not to remarry.

I have an audition on October 25 in the UK for a spot on a new

Rowland Atkinson show, Constipated Adder, a tale about a

constipated mathematician who worked it out with a pencil,

and I have need of a stunted double.  Will ya?

It is my wish to see that a dead gorilla from Cincinnati and a dead

lion from Africa will win the American presidential election.  My

late husband is recruiting in his cemetery for votes that would

otherwise go to hellary.  

I will send you full details as soon as I see what some jerk and

freak in Colorado does to my email.

Mrs. Marilyn Graham  

Only an ex-friend and a couple of others will get that last entry on the "jerk and freak in Colorado"...'cuz I heard no mores from Mrs Graham.  Guess the green hellary was too much...

Why Space Aliens Won't Talk To Us

It could well be that space aliens aren't talking to us... if aliens are looking in and judging us based on the internet.

And/or on the lamestream servile mediocres that were once the 'news media', and now just a pack of servile lefties supporting an infirm, corrupt, dishonest broom rider.

But we can make it simpler than that.

Remember when someone posted a picture of director Steven Spielberg, posing in front of the movie prop triceratops from the movie Jurassic Park, and claimed that he had hunted and shot it?  People seeing the picture -- and having no dollop of common sense -- lit into Spielberg in comments, creating great mirth for others not so intellectually handicapped.

In the meantime, others have put Spielberg on the 'spot' again...and again:

...the bastard...

...this one probably got him universal applause...

...Carnival Cruise Lines was not amused...

...fans of Star Trek see the red shirts and think, "that figures..."

..Spielberg even cut in on George Lucas' territory here...

..though Spielberg has failed thus far to respond to this witch with a bucket of water. 

At any rate, this is quite likely why aliens aren't talking to us, Captain Picard.  Your results may vary.

The Scams Of Wal-Phart

Periodically, my character continues to receive notifications that he's "won" a lottery run by Wal-mart.

Uh huh.

A store that caters to shoppers like these is going to run million dollar lotteries. 

Apparently the scammers believe this to be believable to someone.

Here's a bit of the presentation:

WAL-MART LOTTERY AWARD PAYMENT.

55 East 52nd street 21st

Floor New York, NY10022.

 

We are pleased to inform you the result of the concluded annual Final draws held on the (1st September 2016) by Wal-Mart group in cash Promotion to encourage their customer in North America, your Name was among the 20 Lucky winners who won US$1 Million (ONE MILLION DOLLARS) each of the Wal-Mart group promotion Award Attached to ticket number (5647600545189) and Ref No (2551256002/244). The online draws was Conducted by a random selection of phone number and you where picked by an Advanced automated randomcomputer search from Wal-Mart in other To claim your $US$1 Million the lottery program which is a new innovation by Wal-Mart, is aimed at saying A BIG THANK YOU to all our customer for making Wal-Mart their number one.

 

This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants and Scam artists All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn  from over 20,000 companies' and 30,000,000 individuals' phone number and names from all over North America. This promotional program takes place every three years. You have to be rest assured that this is real and legitimate. Your name was selected in a raffle that was made 1st September 2016 so we need your fast response so that we can proceed with the delivery of your Fund.

 

You are required to contact our dispatch dept via fax number +1- 844-415-1748 with information below in order for us to complete your winning certificate and for further information regarding the disbursement of your lottery win.  

 

 

Sadly, neither me, my pet rock, nor my character were convinced that this was "real and legitimate".  Nor do we expect the scammers to find our edit to be likewise:

 

 

WAL-PHART LOTTERY AWARD PAYMENT.

55 East 52nd street

21stFloor

New York, NY10022

We are flummoxed to inform you the result of the concluded annual Final draws held on the (1st September 2016) by Wal-Phart group in Promotion to encourage their one customer in North America to stop dressing so badly when visiting Wal-Phart!

Your Name was among the 20 who didn't won US$1 Million (ONE MILLION DOLLARS) each, but will get opportunity to have a picture taken of them at a Wal-Phart not looking like this picture of some of the peoples of Wal-Phart series photos seeing viral affliction across the internet. The online draws was Conducted by a random selection of phone numbers selected from a 1969 phone book of NYC and you were picked by a dilapidated Atari Pong computer search from Wal-Phart to not be one to claim $US$1 Million.  This peculiar lottery pogrom which is a new innovation by Wal-Phart, is aimed at saying A BIG F**K YOU to all our customer that look like this for making Wal-phart their number one.

As phart of our security protocol to avoid body doubling and unwarranted abuse of this pogrom by some rioters and Scam artists in Charlotte NC, All participants were selected through a computer ballot system rigged by George Soros and the DNC -- see Wikileaks for emails hacked off the Hellary Clinton home server for details in Russian, Chinese, etc -- from all over North America and Uranus.

 

This promotional pogrom takes place every four years. You can rest assured that this is totally not real and is 100% illegitimate. Your name was selected in a raffle of non-winners that was made 1st September 2016 so we need your fast response so that we can blow this scam by you before you wisenheimer up.

 

You are required to contact our dispatch dept via fax number +1- 844-415-1748 with any real, fake, stolen or purloined information below in order for us to compete with you on who flummoxes who with this sh**.

FULL NAME: FULL CONTACT ADDRESS: MOBILE PHONE NUMBER:

OCCUPATION:  MARITAL STATUS AND AGE: NATIONALITY / COUNTRY:

TICKET NUMBER: REF NUMBER: YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS:

 

All respondeds must be recipiented not later than 30 of October 2019. After this date, all unrespondends will be included in all subsequent scam mailings. To enjoy the advantages of unnecessary delays and complications please remember that if it went through Hellary's email server, it is 100% compromised, just like she is.  

Furthermore, if there is any change in your home address, we already know about it, having access to NSA files through her leaky server, too.

 

Thanks,

Regards,

Allan Wood .

Chairman of very bored directors

Telephone:+1-877-642-6575  

 

 

The scammers on this one didn't choose to reply...they were probably horrified by the attached photos.

When A BMW Ain't

Hmm.  My character 'won' a BMW.

In 2015.

Siwwy scammer.

Here's how that flying twat waffle iron of nonsense got belatedly started:


BMW LOTTERY DEPARTMENT5070 WILSHIRE BLVD
LOS ANGELES. CA 90036 NEIGHORHOOD: MID WILSHIRE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
EMAIL: bmwoffice77@gmail.com

Dear Winner:

NOTE: If you received this message in your SPAM/BULK folder, that is
because of the restrictions implemented by your Internet Service
Provider, we (BMW) urge you to treat it genuinely.

Dear BMW Enthusiast,
This is to inform you that you have been selected for a prize of a
brand new 2015 Model BMW 7 Series Car and a Check of $1,500,000.00 USD
from international programs held on the 2nd section 2015 in the UNITED
STATE OF AMERICA.
Your email address was picked from our international programs held on
the 2nd section 2015 in the UNITED STATE OF AMERICA.
The selection process was carried out through random selection in
ourcomputerized email selection system (ESS) from a database of over
250,000 email addresses drawn from all the continents of the world
which you were selected.  


My character -- not being much of a BWM enthusiast -- put on my pet rock's editing hat ("phfffffffffffft!") and came up with this reply that went back to the scammer, 100 of his collies and steers, and one douche nozzle in North Dakota:

From: Mrs Rachael Adams <info@bmw.com>
Sent: Tuesday, September 20, 2016 5:41 AM
To: Recipients
Subject: Deer Winner  

BMW LOTTERY DEPARTMENT
5070 WELSHER BLVD
LOST ANGLESS CALIFORLORNIA 90036

AMERICA HOUSE WITH NO MEIN
EMAIL: bmwoffice77@gmail.com

NOTE: If you received this message in your SPAM/BULK folder, that is
because of the restrictions implemented by your Internet Service
Provider, we are defecate for you to treat it genuinely.

Dear BMW Enthusiast,
This is to inform you that you have NOT been selected for a prize of a
brand new 2015 Model BMW 7 Series Car and a Check of $1,500,000.00 USD
from international programs held on the 2nd section 2015 in the UNITED
STATE OF CALIFORLORNIA.

You winned a deer instead.

Your email address was picked from our international programs held on
the 2nd section 2015 in the UNITED STATE OF CALIFORLORNIA. 

We believe we said that, Doctor.

The selection process was carried out through random selection in
our abacus controlled Atari computer email selection system (ESS)

we stole from a tribe of monkeys that stripped a Sony PS 3 for parts

for their home email server they were maintaining for Hellary Clinton

that everyone has hacked over 250,000 email from.

 The BMW Lottery was never approved by BMW, though Mercedes is

knowd to have pranked BMW last April 1 and that prank is still working

its way around the internet in various floormats, which apparently includes

this one.  

The British Gaming Board and also the International Association of Gaming

Regulators (IAGR) have no idea what any of this is about.  That's because

we sent this to them in Azerbaijani.

.
To begin the processing of your prize you are to contact our deer

capturing department for more information as
regards procedures to claim your deer.

Name:mr:David Johnson
Email:bmwoffice77@gmail.com

Contact him by whatever means you has available, and don't worry about

providing him with your secret pin code Number
BMW:6743222009/13 since it is meaningless babble.  You is also adviced

to provide to him with the informations below soonest:

1. What you're full of.
2. Address or jeans.
3. Nation.
4. Age of any virgin goats you may have.
5. What's occupied you lately.
6. Phone/Fax.
7. Present Country within Aforelisted Nation.
8. Email address.
9. 100 words or less on why winning a deer from BMW is so very f**king strange.

Mrs. Rachael Adams.

DIRECTING PROMOTIONS WHILE GIVING BIRTH TO AN INFLATABLE HELLARY PUNCH DOLL
BMW LOTTERY DEPARTMENT
DISASSOCIATED STATE OF CALIFORLORNIA  

 

 

My pet rock, Seymour, thinks that now Audi will get in on pranking BMW as well, and it'll be my character's fault.

Clowns Clowns Clowns

Clowns.  Whether you find them funny, creepy or just downright annoying, they're in the news.

Of late comes a rash of "clowns in the woods" sightings.  Creepy clowns accosting people in varied locations.  Clowns attacking people in varied locations.  Clowns being attacked in varied locations.  Schools being closed because of clown sightings.  Police telling residents that they can't just shoot a clown if it's creepy looking.

2016 has truly become the Year of the Clown.

Granted, it's been that for eight years in the White House.

And it extends throughout his misadministration.

Totally throughout his misadministration.

And from within the party of creepy clowns come two more that want to take up the hoax and change:

Even parts of the lamestream news mediocres are in with the clowns.

Even the weather is getting in on the act.

For places like South Park, this has to be some of the easiest self writing episodes ever.

Judy Collins once sang, "send in the clowns...never mind..they're here.."

No kidding.

More Windows And Organs

Perhaps this looks more like where my latest "awwwwwwww" scammer writes from.  Anyway, here is 'her' sad, sad story:


Dear,
Compliments, this is Patricia Caulk originally from Sierra-Leone, I am a widow with a son who is seven now. I am sorry for approaching you in this manner, just that my present situation has compelled me to initiate this contact. For a woman to survive without a husband under heavy family pressure is not an easy one, after the death of my husband, I have been passing series of threats from the family members, though will tell you more as we continue.

All the properties and some of the local accounts have been forcefully collected from me, I tried using relevant measures to stop them, but the pressure continued to the point of serious life threats, so my local pastor advised me to leave the country for the safety of my life and son. What I am informing you should not be passed to third-party for security purpose, but my joy today is that I succeeded in securing the document of the deposit US$10.5 Million he made in Republic of Benin. Since Sierra-Leone is close to my present location (Calavi in Republic of Benin) I have decided to invest the money outside this region into real estate business. I can't access the fund here due to the clause attached to it, unless it is first shifted to a foreign account

There is another business concerning gold, which I will discuss later after the completion of this fund, Confirm receipt of this mail
Patricia Caulk  

Other windows and organs should be so destitute as Ms Caulk.

Perhaps it's the time of year, or the season of politics, or the fact that I just simply don't play well with others...whatever it is, I let it factor into the edit of this email that went back to Ms Caulk and about 100 of her sneers and collies:


Condiments, this is Patricia Caulk originally from Home Despot, I am a window that hark, what yon through me breaks?  It is the dawn and I am not Tony Orlando.  I am sorry for approaching you in this manure with a beginst of Bill Shakespeare, it is just that my last name and my present situation has compelled me to start to prep windows for a change in the condiments of the seasons of our discontext.  For a woman with mixed genitals to survive without a herd of yaks as dowry in Ireland under heavy family pressure to do a remake of The Quiet Man is not an easy one, after the death of my beloved inflatable Knocked Up Monster in a lake outside of Poughkeepsie.

The results of all this are that I have been passing series of kidney, gall and pet stones from the interiors of my internal members, though will tell you more as we continspew.

All the queen's donkeys and all the queen's low information serfs cannot prop up Hellary reliably without butt inserts at Home Despot, some of which has locally been forcefully collected from me, I tried using relevant measures to stop them, but the relevants I used were more interested in eating peanuts, laughing at Tim Conway and breaking log rides at Water Woild during the filming of George Spielberg's Temple of Broom, a movie Mel Brooks cast as swines before Pearl Harbor, so my local pastor advised me to leave the country for to obtain more empty Coke bottles to worship so that the gawds ain't so crazy about a marmot named Beethoven.

What I am informing you should not be passed to third-party for security purpose; I has taked care of that because it is secured on a basement home email server in Chappaqua.  My joy today is that I succeeded in farting an estrangement of songs by Kanye Messt he made in Repugnant of Benin during a "Live Maid" consort raising fungs for Deadtroit's suffering plopulation of lions, tigers and bears oh my.

Since Sierra-Leone's spaghetti westerns is closed for post riot renovation,  I have decided to invest spanking the monkey outside this region into a chain of Spam tofurkey frozen plopsuckles at airports in desserted locations where "here's looking at you kid" is code for molesting goats. I can't access the needed fund here to do this due to the clause attached to it, unless it is first dropped down a chimney by a fat guy flown around by reamdeer led by one advertising red lit houses not named for the Schmidts.

There is another business concerning gold plated toe nail fungus, which I will discuss later after the next episode of Dancing With The Spars, an arrrrrrangement amusical coming to a sloop off Somalia at the completion of this current mail, which is anti and uncle virused for pirating of high Cs.
Patricia Caulk  

 

 

Whatever the impression this made on "Ms" Caulk -- no reply yet -- I cannot say; but for one recipient of this edit, the impact was clear:

 

 

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

 

 

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Yup...I don't play well with others...



Scammers Blow A Cell Phone

Samsung says the Galaxy Note7 has battery issues.

But that didn't stop scammers from trying to use Samsung to their advantage:

 

Samsung Group Belgium/Nationale Loterij Belgie.http://www.samsung.com/be/home/
Avenue Marnix 50 -1000 Brussels,
2nd floor- 1000 Brussels
Belgium
Phone: +32 499 8890 86
Reply to Email: smg.dpt.sterling@gmail.com
ATTENTION: Winner,

                                  SAMSUNG GROUP BELGIUM AWARD CLAIMS 
VERIFICATION FORM

Dear Winner,
We at Samsung Group Belgium (Samsung Mobile, Samsung TV and Samsung 
Appliance) likes to officially congratulate you for the draw that was 
held by our company which featured you as the second place winner. Our 
company holds promotions each year just to promote our global 
publicity and reputations as we plan to exploit more corners of the 
world with our highly valued products line. This promotion is just one 
of various ways we are presently using to achieve this global vision 
of ours.

Your email address with Samsung Winning ID 
(SAM-29103-LGT-901GH-9JLSUNG) was luckily drawn to be this year's 
second place winner of a Brand New SAMSUNG GALAXY S6 EDGE 128GB GOLD/ 
Samsung UE88JS9500 Smart TV and a cash prize of € 750,000 EUR. This 
money and we believe will enable you make some impact in the society 
and possibly make our brand your favorite in the near future. You can 
visit our website shown above for more details on our new brand of 
electronics & home appliance. Ensure you contact Mr. Sterling Harrison 
who is our claims official in Europe, United Kingdom and can 
understand you’re English and some European languages. See details of 
him below.

     Name: Mr. Sterling Harrison
     Email:  smg.dpt.sterling@gmail.com
     Address: Avenue Marnix 50 -1000 Brussels

When contacting the claims agent you should include the following if 
you must get a response from him;
         *** Your Full Name
         *** Address
         *** Phone number
         *** Age
         *** Gender
         *** Occupation
         *** Winning Email

Thanks for been part of this year promotional award program .We wish 
you the best of  luck as you spend your good fortune.  *Winners are 
advised to keep their winning details/information from the public to 
avoid fraudulent claim (IMPORTANT) pending the prize claim by Winner. 
This is a private email. Any breach of confidentiality means automatic 
disqualification.
     Congratulation!!!
            Sincerely.
                           Signed,
                                 Mrs, Li Haicang (Sec.)
________________________________________________________
     *NOTE** you must be 22 years above to claim. Late response is not 
accepted. Misconduct and non-adherence to instructions leads to prize 
termination.  

I love how they threw in a reference for "misconduct".

Time for an edit that's a nod to contemporary times:

Slamslung Group Belgium
Avenue Marnix 50 -1000 Brussels,
2nd floor- 1000 Brussels
Belgium
Phone: +32 499 8890 86
Reply to Email: smg.dpt.sterling@gmail.com
ATTENTION:

                                  SLAMSLUNG GROUP BELGIUM VERIFICATION FORM

We at Slamslung Group Belgium (Mobile, TV, Appliance and Genital

products) likes to officially congratulate you if your Galaxy Iphone 7 hasn't

yet blowd up from our defective batteries we equipped them with.  If your

phone HAS exploded in your ear and blowd it across the street, we bad.

Our  company holds records for faulty equipment each year just to

sully our global  publicity and reputations as we plan to exploit more

corners of the  world with our highly unstable products line. This

promotion is just one  of various ways we are presently using to

underachieve this global vision of ours, one exploding Slamslung

Iphone at a time.

Your email address was registered with Slamslung along with the

following claim number (SLAM-29103-LGT-901GH-9JLSLUNG) just in

case you bought one of our exploding phones, which this year is the

 SLAMSLUNG GALAXY S7 SLEDGE 128GB KABOOM Iphone with  
Kevlar case and Super Glu to reattach body parts blowd off by

the exploding phones.

This  rather unique feature will enable you imbibe some impact in the society 
and possibly make our brand your favorite to sue now and in the future.

 

Ensure you contact Mr. Sterling Harrison  who is our anecdote official in

Europe, United Kingdom and can understand your English as long as you

didn't blow your mouth off with our fucked up phone.   See details of 
him below.

     Name: Mr. Sterling Harrison
     Email:  smg.dpt.sterling@gmail.com
     Address: Avenue Marnix 50 -1000 Brussels

When contacting the claims agent you should include the following if 
you must get a response from him;

         *** Your Full Name
         *** Address
         *** Phone number
         *** Age
         *** Gender
         *** Occupation
         *** What body parts did you have blowd off by our phone

Thanks for having blown apart this year.  We wish  you the best
in your recovery.       Congratulation!!!
            Sincerely.
                           Signed,
                                 Mrs, Li Haicang (Sec.)
________________________________________________________
     *NOTE** you must have survived the exploding phone to claim.

Being Late in response is not accepted. Misconduct and Mrconduct

are not our responsibility.  

----------------------------------------------------------------
This message was sent using seek oomagoofae, the dawg has a ball.

The scammers haven't as yet had a suitable response to this edit.  Neither has Slamslung.