My Scammers Are Smart As Bidumb

It began innocuously enough.  A scammer sent me an online ploy.  I rewrote it and sent it back.  A day later, "sent from my Nokia phone", he replied to my rewrite:

"BASTARD".

I suppose, if I were to compare that response to one from an English teacher grading a Basic Composition assignment, my grade might have been an F.

Or an A.  Depends on how you view the whole thang.

I know my view.  It inspired me to excel, sort of.

So I wrote up an email -- crafted it without something to edit from -- and sent it out to every email scammer in my address book, accredited to the scammer that started this dawg and pony show.

Here 'tis:

From:  Dr. Milton Daniel

milton.daniel6010@yahoo.co.uk <milton.daniel6010@yahoo.co.uk>;

danielmilton935@yahoo.com.hk <danielmilton935@yahoo.com.hk>;

Office (call anytime, day or night; my Nokia phone is always ready):  +447035930235

My name is Milton Daniel.  I'm a doctor*, and I am an expert in flavor tasting mucus.  But that isn't important now.

I have writed to you this day because I am also a proboscistologist.  That is the combined medical sciences of nasal and anal issues.  Bet you didn't know that we did that.  Well, here in the UK part of Nigeria, we do that, and I have exciting news that explains why.

I knocked up your pet chinchilla by osmosis.  No, not the mormon brother and sister singers.  Osmosis is a scientific word.  It means something osmosic. 

F**k, just look it up.

Now for the news:  I have discovered how to help a person who puts their head up their ass all the time -- like you -- to clear the sh** out of their sinus passages!

I call it my probosconoscopy.  Try to say that three times fast in barlighting.  Or while pinned underneath that fatass Roseanne Barr.  In the case of the latter, that's a load of sh** you'll REALLY need my probosconoscopy to clean out!

At any rate, I have reserved for you a free exam and probosconoscopy.  Yes, FREE.  You just have to call or contact me on my phone or email addresses above.  Hurry and call or email me NOW, because my appointment book is filling fast!!!

* in the part of UK Nigeria Dr. Milton  is from, 'Doctor' means goat sodomizer

This email -- more than any I've rewritten of late -- seemed to have touched a nerve or two in Scamland.

From the named scammer -- whose email box I filled with about a dozen of this email, and 200 of his peers to read and react to it -- I got a plaintive "leave me alone!!!"  This too, sent from his Nokia phone.

Of course I didn't, and won't, until all of his email addresses he's contacted me via are disabled.

From scammer Lukas Mukemva <lukasmukemva@yahoo.com>; (who had a lotto scam), I got this Joe Bidumbesque reply:  If u climb ur tress u will find 1 there. y not go ahead. Baboon!!

That got Lukas an email all his own, copied to the same 200 scammers.  And probably a place on Bidumb's speech editing staff.  He hasn't responded to the email avalanche, and he'll keep getting it until his address goes belly up as well.

Last but not least, a scammer from previous engagments, Esther Warlord (estherwarlord@ymail.com), who hadn't responded to any of my email digs until being included in the Lukas Mukemva 'dump'.  This drew from her the following:  why why why u send me?

This was good for yet another email dump to the same lucky 200, with good ol' Esther as subject of discussion about the zen of platypus penises.

Since the 'dump' began, mailer-daemons have informed me that four scammer emails have been 'disabled'.

Four down...many, many more to go.

Stat's Wazzup

Another wee break from my abuse of email scammers, by taking a look into the Google/Blogger mirror, to see where this blog has gone since it's humble beginnings in June of 2005.

The sign to the right probably sums it up nicely.

No, I've never been to Brooklyn.  But I reckon someone from Brooklyn has been heah, y'know whadda mean?

I don't go out of my way to generate traffic, so it's of no great surprise that I've only had just under 68,000 page views since this blog began.  I'm sure Nigeria gets more page views, when people do a word search such as "419 email scams", "Mariam Abacha", or "number of flushing toilets in Lagos".

It will probably come as no surprise that the vast majority of searches leading here are via Google, or that the most used search platforms are Chrome and Internet Explorer.  It will also probably come as no surprise that more than half of all page visits have originated right here in the US.

But I was amused as I perused the 'audience' feature of my stat counter.  There was the 'Now' counter, the 'Today' counter, the 'Week' counter, 'Month' and 'All Time' counters.  Again, as would come as no surprise, visits by US based web surfers were number 1 in all categories.  For example, today's top 10 visitors to this page came from, in order:  USA, India, Ukraine, Germany, UK, Australia, France, Russia, Brazil and Greece.

Which proves that, at least today, not everyone in Greece is broke.

For the week, the top ten were the USA, UK, India, Ukraine, Australia, Germany, France, Canada, Russia and...are you ready for this....Nigeria.

Considering the subject material most posted here -- email scams -- I'm surprised that Nigeria isn't a more frequent page visitor.  I certainly piss enough of them off by playing and/or rewriting their scam letters.

For the month, the top ten runs the USA, UK, India, France, Germany, Russia, Canada, Australia, Ukraine, and the Netherlands.

Holland sneaks in there quite possibly because of a joke I like to tell.  More on that later.

As for my all-time top ten visitors, it runs USA, UK, Germany, India, Russia, Canada, Netherlands, Australia, France, and Ukraine.

That comes as no surprise, at least to me:  email scammers operate out of all of these countries.  At one time, I was being almost overrun with Russian and Ukrainian bride email scammers.  I continue to be inundated with online lotto scams, frequently attributed to the UK, and a few out of Canada. 

I'm sure India keeps looking in to see if I've grown enough to need a telephone call center yet.  Possibly for my Bonco product line of junk inventions, like Phffft Asure.

I'm not sure why I get so much traffic from France; I mean, I haven't asked them to surrender or anything.  As for Australia, well...there's just a lotta good blokes and sheilas there.

Occasionally, other countries show up in the stat counts.  Like when I poke fun at 72 virgin camels, I'll get an occasional turban apoplexy out of Iran.  I'm sure I'm not high on Ahmadinejad's "favorite infidels" list.

Anyway, I thought the stats interesting.  And you probably needed a nap.

Oh yeah...I haven't forgotten.  My favorite Netherlands joke.  I'll tell that another time ;-)

When A Contest Scam Gets conTORTed

More than a few email scammers consider me insufferable.

Especially when I take one of their contest scams, and rewrite it as a cross between a legal-sounding class action scam, and a revolutionary new sex change scam.

And it only took a few violated syllables, and various other parts.

The scammer claimed to be representing the United Nations, an organization therein called ECOWAS, and some international lottery.

The email rewrit by me doesn't sound like the recipient is being notified that he/she won a contest.  Anything but.

But then, you can (try to) read it and decide for yourself:

From: European Union And Ecowsass Legal Service mailto:info@mail.com
To:
Sent: Friday, August 10, 2012 8:32 AM
Subject: Legal Disclamer Attention,

Herein lies the corpus delecti to which the tortus fallatus lacks plausible deniability in a same sexual door knob environment. The writ of habeas corpse is a dead issue, pursuant to the litigatory migration of platypus vaginas without a penis therein to append.

We happily announce to you that the previous legal mumbo jumbo is part and partum ducay of a series of briefs previously worn by persons with leaky prostates and dubious bladder control. We refer you to sharia law edict number cous cous dirka dirka of the ISTITUTO PACE SVILUPPO INNOVAZIONE ACLI -- loosely translated, that's 'towel head masturbator' -- with organisers in the United Nations, Middle East, and Ecowsass Bovinations Society.

Your e-mail address has become sacrosanct pursuant to nasal passages in the Bering Sneeze, navigational when you remove your finger from digging for collosal conglomerated masses of solidified mucus (outside of legal jargon, the term is "big honkin' boogers"). This can be found in Volume XXXIX of the Dune Quadrorilogy For The Criminally Joe Bidumb, and is patently pending a brain transplant.

You have therefore been approved to be named as Party Of The Multi-sex-organial part, in the sharia filing of Mohammad vs Achmed's Virgin Camel Dealerships (from Assad to Zagreb, nobody beats an Achmed virgin camel deal, nobody). Plaintiffs in the filing are seeking custodial ownership to virgin camel vaginas now on the lots of the aforementioned defendant, along with punitive damages of $75,000,000 in counterfeit West African francs.

To become a part of this classless action suit, file for your claim by pleasing to contact our agent.
Mr Calvino Costantino, Atturkey At Law.
EMAIL ADDRESS:   mr_calvinocostantino12@hotmail.com
　
Endeavour to contact her with the following informations, and ignore the fact that we just called a 'he' a 'her', because he/she got one of those new peginas (a hybrid cross between a penis and vagina), which allows him/her to f**k him/herself, without a second party having to take a hand, so to speak.

When contacting him/her, pleased to provide the following useless informations:

1,Full Names
2,Contact Address
3,Telephone Number
4,Age
5,Sex
6,Nationality7,Occupation
8, How long has you been a penis-headed vaginal nose?

With only that respect necessary to ensure you'll reply,
Rose Wood (Mrs)

I have so far left all recipients of this email -- including the originators of the pre-edited edition -- speechless.  Or with an overwhelmed spellchecker.

Hate when that happens.

The Photo Sez More Than The Ploy

Apparently, scammers listen to, and read, liberal media outlets.

More than one of which have suggested, at different times, that men and women of our US Military are not the brightest bulbs in the box.  Some libtards come right out and claim that people in the military aren't that bright.

John Kerry gaffed with a comment like that in his '04 campaign, and the military in a war zone was quick to mock him for it.  But I digress.

Anyway, another scammer has taken the 'guise' of a US military service person overseas.  And as you read the simple email he sent me, you can tell it's a scammer (or a dumbed-down public education liberal) with comparative ease:

I am Capt.Greg .klem. of the US amry presently in Afghanistan for peace keep mission. I need your assistant to evacuate $15,200,000.00 to you for safe keep as long as i am assured that this funds will be safe in your care till i complete my service here in Afghanistan. It is not a stolen money and there is no risk involve. Please Get Back to me soonest for detail on: gregklem12@yahoo.com

Putting aside my revulsion for any puke who impersonates one of our very fine and very capable members of the US Military, I had me some fun with the email rewrite that went back to 'greg klem' and a few dozen of his liberally-educated ilk:

From: "Rossen, Roger D" <rrossen@bcm.edu>
To: "Gregklem@us.mil.org" <Gregklem@us.mil.org>
Sent: Tuesday, August 14, 2012 6:34 PM
Subject: RE

I am Greg .klem. of the obama re-erection campain presently in Afghanistan for campain fund rising mission. I need your assistant and all help i can get to evacuate $15,200,000.00 to obama campain because...i not sure why.  i sure when i start to wrote you this even tho', being liberdull i has 10 grade edjakated level and that 2 tuff for me to get job in 7-11 store where i can steal slurpy all day all time. 

what i wroted you for?   oh...i renumber now.  hurry to your nayboorhood Toy yoda deeler for crash back redate on any car you wreck with a test dive of Force.

no, that not it.  WTF?  oh...yes, i have chicago values.  that y i splash mob with manatees for anal sex at lake michigan later.  that what i thinked this tweat sez on my eyepad.  wish i lurn to read like Joe Bidumb.  he gots gud englandspeeks.

we have all the lastest generic 'get it up for Sandra Fluke cuz you need a pill to get it up for her' meds you need and at half price because we are an oversees farmacy that dyes aspirin and calls it Viera.  Contrack us now for free goat on our priceless.

I am get through to you, yes?  operator will you helped me make this call?

i thinked there wuz moor to this about for safe keep as long as i am assured that this funds will be safe in your care till i complete my fund rising here in Afghanistan. this is sucked ass place here.  goats are gooder looked than the pashtuns.  i not know what a pashtun is until i get sodomize by one with camel vagina breathed.  ickky.

why does is my text here say It is not a stolen money and there is no risk involve?  Please to Get Back at me for details on what the phucked i wroted here to telled you: gregklem12@yahoo.com

ps:  roger rossen over, who ared you and y r u in my emailed?

It was a fun time not had by all, as this 'reply' to my 'edit' suggests:

that not my letter u asshole.

It is now.

Perhaps that made him so mad, he pulled the pin on a granola and blowd up his otto pilot...he'd have to writed back to fell me.

And then -- after he apparently discovered that a pinless granola doesn't blow up -- he did write me back, professing disappointment in me and more yada, yada, yada:

Honestly iam just dissapointed at your behaviour because you know that i am a man of God and cannot deceive you. just pay the $50 and leave me and my God because God is watching me if i am telling you lies.

I know it is because of your past exprience that make you not to believe me but i told you before my God who is my withness that i cannot deceive you because my bible says what shall it profit a man to gain material things and loose your soul. i told you ealier just drop your old exprience and follow my intruction a man of God and you will know what it means to follow somebody that fear God.

I swear to God almight Father. if i fail to start sending you your daily payment of $5000.00 wthin 28hours after you send the $50 as i promise let God Take my life, i cannot fail you,i promise you. dont fear as soon as you sent the $50 today please leave the rest to me and see if i am lie to you or not because i can not use my life swear because of $50.

What "$50"?  Did you see anything in his original email about me paying him $50, or him being a 'man of God'?  Me thinks my scammer is multi-scamming, and cornfusing his intended vics with his open scams:

Ah, so you're a man of God who just needs $50?  Oh hell, that changes everything.  Tell you what...I'll talk to God.  If He tells me to trust you and send you 50 bucks, then by God -- blasphemous pun intended -- you can count on me sending you 50 bucks.

I waited a couple hours, then sent him this:

Well what do you know:  God told me to send you 50 bucks.  So I will.  Give me a little time to organize this.

My multiscamtasker was ecstatic:

bles you i know you are man of God.  Please to send me soonest by the instucton i gived you before.  you wont be sorry.

I knew I wouldn't be.  So I got me a photo (see below), attached it 25 times to an email to him, and waited:

The wait wasn't long:

why do you jest me like this???

Because God told me to.

It was destined for a happy ending.  Sorta:

f**k you.  you not man God  you curse on you.

Hey, you asked for 50 bucks.  God -- via me and the internet -- provided. 

Apparently, I'm off another Christmas card list.  In this case, probably more than one...

Not Your Father's "FBI"

I always thought the FBI was an honorable, hard-working, law-enforcing organization, chocked full of well-educated, dedicated, morally and ethically sound men and women of sterling personal character and integrity.

Well okay, so we ARE in the era of nobama, where nothing ethical matters in DC and the DNC.  But I digress.

But really...with all the things that the FBI is tasked to do and worry about, they have time to send a schlep like ME a letter like THIS?  Really? 

Really*:

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION
FBI HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON DC
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION J.EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001
　
ATTENTION: FUND BENEFICIARY,
WE BELIEVE THIS NOTIFICATION MEETS YOU IN A GOOD STATE OF MIND AND HEALTH. WE THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI) WASHINGTON, DC IN CONJUNCTION WITH SOME OTHER RELEVANT INVESTIGATION AGENCIES HERE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA HAVE RECENTLY BEEN INFORMED THROUGH OUR GLOBAL INTELLIGENCE MONITORING NETWORK THAT THE SUM OF $10.500,000.00, HAS BEEN TRANSFERRED TO A BANK IN AMERICA BEARING YOUR NAME AS THE BENEFICIARY.

YOU ARE BEING CONTACTED BY THE FBI ANTI TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION BECAUSE THE FUND WAS TRANSFERRED WITHOUT PROPER DOCUMENTATIONS TO PROVE THAT THE FUND IS NOT RELATED TO TERRORIST OR MONEY LAUNDERING ACTIVITIES.

FOR SECURITY REASONS AND DUE TO THE LEVEL OF TERRORIST / MONEY LAUNDERING ACTIVITIES GOING ON HERE IN THE UNITED STATES, YOU ARE MANDATED TO OBTAIN THE LEGAL WIRING DIST DOCUMENT SO AS TO PROVE TO US THAT YOU ARE NOT RELATED TO TERRORIST OR MONEY LAUNDERING ACTIVITIES.

IT MIGHT INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT WE HAVE TAKEN OUT TIME IN SCREENING THROUGH THIS TRANSACTION AS STIPULATED ON OUR PROTOCOL OF OPERATION AND HAVE FINALLY CONFIRMED YOU AS THE RIGHTFUL BENEFICIARY OF THE SAID AMOUNT OF $10.500, 000.00.

WARNING: YOU WILL BE ARRESTED FOR MONEY LAUNDERING/ TERRORISM IF THE NEEDED DOCUMENTS ARE NOT OBTAINED WITHIN 48 HOURS, WE WILL ALSO CLOSE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT AND JAIL YOU, AND ALL YOUR PROPERTIES WILL BE CONFISCATED BY THE FBI IF FOUND GUILTY AS CHARGED.

TO THIS REGARDS, YOU ARE ADVISED TO GET BACK TO US IMMEDIATELY FOR INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO OBTAIN THE LEGAL DOCUMENTS WITHIN 48 HOURS.

Finally, you are expected to have the CLEARANCE DOCUMENT obtain at a fee of USD Five Hundred and Fifty ($550) from where the FUND originated from to have you and your fund cleared. Only then shall we release your FUND as clean money devoid of any illegality, and you will be free of any involvement. To this end, the funds will be legally credited in your account with immediate effect.

NOTE: THE SAID AMOUNT OF $10.500, 000.00 WILL BE RELEASED INTO ANY ACCOUNT OF YOUR CHOICE UPON THE CONFIRMATION OF THE NEEDED DOCUMENTS FROM YOU.　
　
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
SPECIAL AGENT FRED JONES,
ON BEHALF OF THE FBI DIRECTOR
MR. ROBERT S. MUELLER

I don't think I need to beat this to death, but I didn't want to reply to an 'official' FBI email with too much disrespect, if it turns out that this email really DID come from the REAL FBI.  I am, after all, a God-fearin', flag-waving, law-abiding, patriotic taxpaying American with occasionally bad gas.

So I had to keep all this in mind, when I carefully crafted my special 'edit' of an email from perhaps a very pre-eminent, world-recognized law enforcement agency.

And with all that taken into account, I uttered an "aw, f**k it" and responded with this edit:

ANTI-EM AND MONETARY MASTURBATIONS DIVISION
FBI HINDQUARTERS WASHINGTON DC
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INCESTIGATION J.EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
935 PENNSLOPVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001

Attention Peasant:

We have for the past several months been conducting covert surveillance of you.  Oh yes.  YOU.

We planted microcameras in your office, your car, your bathroom, even in your underwear and toilet paper.  We KNOW EVERYTHING YOU DO.

By the way...that thing you do in your crotch when you're driving....STOPPITTTTTT.  You are one sick puppy.

We have determined that while you are not a threat to the long term security of a cucumber farm in Califorlornia, you ARE a threat to the environment by the amount of toilet paper you use.  Oh, and that's another disgusting thing about you...you have pimples on your butt.

Told ya that we were watching.

Granted, our handlers that assigned us this surveillance detail would have a genital apoplexy if they knew we had sent you this email.  But then, THEY don't have to watch the crap that WE have to watch about YOU.  If they did, they'd have closed this investigation already.  And hosed your whole house interior out with Pine-Sol.

And taken away your hamster.  You really put that thing in your butt?

At any rate...since we are watching, and since you now KNOW that we're watching, we would appreciate if some of your more unseemly habits and daily routines could be...um...sanitized and abbreviated?  Since you now KNOW we have to watch, and you also now KNOW that we don't have a choice on this -- the boss says we watch, so we watch -- would you quit acting like Harry Reid and quit wiping your backside with a rabbit? 

The 'sh** not sticking to a rabbit's fur' thing was a joke, not a fact.  Even if Snopes hasn't posted it as such yet.  

Oh, and your using nasal boogers in place of glue to stick things together...if you're not careful, you'll be on a reality show with the Kardashians.  At least the Kardashians don't eat theirs.

So there you have it...we're watching you.  You now know it.  If you want to continue your vile personal habits -- and we haven't even addressed what you did with that nun last Saturday night -- fine, but if you want us to quit watching you do them, send us bribe money to make us "go away".  We'll let you decide what you think is fair.

But it better be enough for us to buy us a whore the next time we travel overseas with the potus.

DOH...that's right, we're not the Secret Service.  We have to arrange for our own.

*Disregard above sentence*

If you know what's good for you, email us back, and in 5,000 words of less, tell us why you think that we should publish all the most disgusting video we have of you on YouTube.  Winning essay gets a feather boa once worn as a thong by J. Edgar Hoover.

Sincerely...really...HONEST,
Robert S. Mueller-lookalike
(on weekends I play Rachael Maddow AND Ed Schultz, at the same time, on pmsnbc).

So far, none of the recipients of this 'edit' have responded.  Probably too busy combing their underwear and toilet paper for those hidden cameras...

*  well, it wasn't really the FBI what sent me this...but they said it was...  ;-)

Scammers Lurve Them Lawyers

A friend who well knows my hobby of baiting email scammers, left me a column from what I think was the Wall Street Journal (silly me, I left it at work).  After reading it -- and laughing myself silly, which for me is never long or far -- I came away from the article with a great deal of satisfaction.

Oh yeah.

Seems that since '07, and accelerating in '09, overseas email scammers have been targetting lawyers and law firms hereabouts for their scams.  They use all the tactics that I've seen and have well documented on this blog.  The same tactics that haven't fooled me in going on 14 years.

But a growing number of law firms haven't been so attentive. 

Millions have been scammed from attorneys and law firms.  Two figures in the article I saw were close to $70 million overall, and $32 million more recently.

Bearing in mind that lawyers have high priced educations from the supposed top pillars of higher education, bill us ridiculous amounts for advising us on criminal and civil issues, have interns and other assistants to research and investigate things, draft and interpret laws that Congress votes on without reading, et al, I find this funny.

Here's thrice-concussed lil' ol' me and my pithy associate degree from a community college, better able to discern a scam, than a law practice full of folks with better academic pedigrees than I'll ever waste time and rest-of-my-life-to-pay-off student loans, to have.

Dear Lawyers:  next time your office gets correspondence from overseas, with an injury or inheritance claim and an enclosed check, just send it to me.  I'll confirm the validity for you, and at a fee that wouldn't even scratch your wallet.  I am waaaaaaay cheaper than any scammer.

And I promise not to tell lawyer jokes.  Like the one about Nigerian email scammer, the Russian bride scammer, the Benin dying widow scammer, and the New York lawyer at a bar...

Frank Pranks

A Facebook friend of mine recently posted a comment 'apologizing' for a Twitter post that went out under his name...not sent by him.   One of his opportunistic coworkers took advantage of his being distracted, and his Twitter account being left accessible.

DOH.

In my not-so-distant working past, the facility I was at had a general manager.  She was very professional, very accomplished, very articulate.  Equally at home, mixing with facility guests or tearing merrily into a financial document.  She gave as good, if not better, than she expected from those working there.

Having said all that, she was one more thing as well:  she was a four-star prankster.

Generally, she didn't go for the elaborate.  She was more of the 'quick hit' variety of prank, such as placing a small post-it note on the underside of a computer mouse.  But one her favored 'quick hits' was when she found a subordinate's computer left logged on, with the employee away on a break or errand.  At that point, the employee would return to find that they had been (my former GM's last name)ized.

For example, when a shift manager inadvertently left his computer logged on -- one who considered himself a 'man's man' -- and came into work the next day, to find dozens of email responses to one sent out under his auspices, "my pink fuzzy bunny slippers are missing.  Can someone help me find them, puh-leeease?"

He -- and everyone responding -- knew that he'd been (her last name)ized.

If she had the time to be a tad more elaborate, she might send out strange, funny pictures on the person's email (such as the one above).

Subordinates learned to log off their computers.  But someone always forgot.

Occasionally, though, there was retribution of sorts.  Like the early morning I was asked to access her office, by a department that would have authorized access to fix a computer problem, had there been one.  She arrived two hours later, to find every working device in her office securely bubble-wrapped.  Including her phone, which began ringing immediately.

So to my Facebook friend, a lesson:  NEVER turn your back on your tweeter, when you have woofers like your opportunistic coworker around.  And a warning to your opportunistic coworker:  Steffan, they don't call him "Angry Andy" for nothing...

Pissed

Oh yeah. 

And I can't blame the scammer for being pissed.  I mean, I took her original letter totally out of context.

And then I shared it with her colleagues and peers that way.

Here is how she meant her email to read (at least the first couple-three paragraphs):

Hello Dear.

I am Crystal Fabien, the only Surviving child of late Interior Minister Mr. Fabien Cael .My father was a highly reputable politician and business magnate who operated internationally during his days on a gold business and politics. It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in the recent crisis in Ivory Coast.

I had only one brother who is late also his name was Andrew. He died the same day my father died in the incidence of civil war that was fought in my country. I managed to make my way to a near by village where I am living now because of the tragic incidence couple with the ill treatment I was receiving from my uncles because of my late father's treasure/properties.

When my father was alive, he deposited, $4.5Million United States Dollars with a Bank here in Ivory Coast where I am. Mean while, I have spoken with the bank manager and have also discussed the possibility of releasing the fund to me, But the bank manager told me that they can not release this fund directly to me due to my age. My late father put in the agreement that I can only retrieve the money if anything happen to him by death and I must be at the age of 30 or if I must retrieve the found at any age then my uncle will have to assist me. Now my uncle is after my life because of the money.Yes, I read her original content and intent.  Yes, I took it beyond merely "out of context".  She's pissed.  I understand.  In fact, I am pleased that she is so, considering the context I took on her behalf:

crysfabie@yahoo.cn  

F**k,

I am Crystal Fabien, and I am incontinent.  No, I'm not a country.  I live in one, I think.

No, I am incontinent.  Also knowd as, I wet myself.

My father was a highly contemptible politician and business-taxing maggot who operated illegally during his days on a gold business and politics. It is sad to say that he pissed himself to death in Ivory Coast.  He forgot his Depends.

I had only one brother who is late also his name was Andrew. He pissed himself to death the same day my father did. It's a family thing here:  we piss ourselves continually.  I've been thrown out of six villages because I am always peeing myself.  I managed to make my way to another village where I am hiding now because if they see me piss myself, I will have to leave the country.

When my father was alive, he held a record for having pissed himself 124 times in one day here in Ivory Coast where I am. Mean while, I want Guiness Book of World Records to list him for his record, and they won't even respond to me.  I know he is world record holder for having pissed himself 124 times in one day.  Why won't they give him record?

I need a trusted foreign partner who would not know that I wet myself all day and night long.  I request that you stand as my Foreign Partner in supplying me with Depends.

1) Can you make arrangement for me to come over to your country where I will be free to pee in pools like Olympic swimmers?

(2) What is the penalty for peeing in a pool in America?

(3) They don't have blue dye that highlights when you pee in a waterbed there, do they?

Please consider these and get back to me as soon as possible.

Thanks and I have to go pee again...oops, already did.  Hope I didn't get any on the email...ewww, I did.

It took a couple days, but I did get a response.  And you can tell that she's pissed:

u think this funny???  F**K U!!!

Long as she's pissed, I figured not to waste it:

I'm sorry, but I missed how this would be possible in biology class...can you do both at the same time?

Apparently she doesn't know, as she hasn't yet responded to the question.  I'll let you know if she contacts me with an answer...

When Wrinkles In Scams Collide

This is an explanation for the picture on the right.  Really.

And it all starts, not so long ago, in a land where emails emanate from, that hold all sorts of inert fertilizer (aka, BS).  A claimed 'business partnership offer', that was anything but.

One that I -- as readers are well aware of -- pilloried in my own inimitable way.  A sample of which is h'yar:

From: jenee rachal jeneerachal@gmail.com
Sent: Saturday, July 21, 2012 4:11 AM
Subject: Business Partnership Proposal

Hi,

I am Flora - Online prostitute and scammer Consultant for over 4 years

We are an operation offering Affordable sex on our websites that are related to your customership.

We put links on websites that are of dubious antecedence. Links on websites that have not been affected by credibility and sound customer service for almost 9 years now.

All sites having below Qualities:

•     High level of fraud
•     Less credibility
•     pirated content
•     Strong malware in links
•     cyber crotch crickets to invade your database and eat your files and anything else they find
•     Rich results for our scammers
•     Effective datarapes of your system by our malware
• 
  I would like to know if the offer interests you...if it doesn't, f**k you.
  
  Kindly contact in my mail.. if you are interested and I'd be happy to discuss further details with you.
  
  Email id: floramerlinbe@gmail.com
  
  Thank you for your time.
  
  Best Regards,
  flora merlin.

That is what I sent back to the scammer.  And about 25 of her peers and colleagues.  A few days later, I get this back from jenee rachal/flora merlin/zarinna shani:

From: flora merlin <floramerlinbe@gmail.com>
To:

Sent: Wednesday, August 1, 2012 4:47 AM

From: Zarrina Shani
Email id : zarrina_42@yahoo.com

Hi dear
How are you today, I hope all is well with you .I am sorry to worry you with my Proposal for a relationship with you, but I know that you will grant my request in good  sense and understanding, My name is miss zarrina i saw your profile today in the internet friendship site and became interest in you, i will also lick to know  more about you.i'm hoping to hear from you soon so that I can send you more details about my self Including my picture. I believe we can move from here. Bear in mind that  friendship and Love has no colors barrier, no educational back ground barrier, no social-economic Barrier, religious, language, nationty or distant barrier, the only important Thing there is love.

Yours Sincerely
zarrina
Apparently, we have a language-understanding deficit here, in so far as her reading my email edit of her original scam letter.  Which was, BTW, nothing to do with a relationship...other than the kind of business partnership where I send money and get cyberscrewed for it.

 

But, what the hell...perhaps the scammer thinks a change of tactics will throw me off my game.  I'm up for it:

 

I am most intrigued by your response to my response to your original offer to give me the business.  A personal relationship?  Well...stranger things have happened in cyberspace, with even stranger yet to come.  So yes, my little meadow muffin, do enlighten me on yourself and include a photo of you so that I may know the face of my possible little meadow muffin-in-waiting.

 

A day later, I receive this response:

 

From: Zarrina Shani
Email id : zarrina_42@yahoo.com

Hi dear

How are you today, I hope all well with you .I am glad that you lick my Proposal for relationship with you.  as I tell you, I believe we can move from here. Bear in mind that  friendship and Love has no colors barrier, no educational back ground barrier, no social-economic Barrier, religious, language, nationty or distant barrier, the only important Thing there is love.  I send you picture of me.  i hope you lick it?  is this you call me, "little meadow muffin" term of dear?
Yours Sincerely
zarrina

And yes, she did indeed, send me her picture.  That which you see at the top of the page.  LOL...how to answer that 'un isn't as hard as one might think, what with my growing collection of photos from people, places and parts unknowd from around the universe.

 

So here's what I sent back:

 

Yes, my little meadow muffin, this is a term of deer, though more bovine than deer.  I find your picture to be that of great and well worn experience, coupled with loads of time in the sun.  Sun Sweet is known to make profitable use of this, but I digress.

 

Moose Smith is the name, and non sequitur is the game.  And game that is non sequitur prefers it so, so that it doesn't get shot and et.  Again, I digress.

 

I think that when you see my picture, you will know that, as heaven and earth do strange things, so too perhaps shall we.  I think you'll find, as I have, that we are made for each other.  Out of spare parts from Mopar.

 

See what I mean? 

 

Looking forward to your next missive, my little meadow muffin.

Moose Smith

Someone apparently bothered to read that on her end, with a better eye for 'tongue-in-cheek' than jenee/flora/zarinna had heretofore.  For I did get a reply, but not in the tone of previous:

 

u r not good mans  f**k you

 

Okay, so maybe it was the picture.  Anyway, the response was good enough for one last effort to 'save' the relationship:

 

With all due respect, Ma'am, looking at you and looking at me, I reckon if we're gonna do THAT with each other, it'll take a 55 gallon drum of lubricant.  Otherwise, one or both of us will ignite, assuming we have that kind of energy left us.

 

Amazingly, I did get a reply...a response with no text.

 

I left her speechless.

 

Or I made her so 'hot', she ignited as she hit 'send'.

 

Guess the lubricant was too late...

Cataloguing Scam Morphs

Yes, there is a connection between the title, the subject, and the photo.

Sorta.

See if you can find it.

I got an email from a scammer who -- like a few others recently -- addressed me as if I had sent them a catalog of products that I had that were orderable online.

Granted, I do have my bogus company, Bonco, UnInc., and their line of imaginary products, which have been featured on this blog in posts past.  But a catalog of their products, online or off?  I've never had any such.  But I digress.

A feller named "Allen Parks" claimed he'd found my company online, and requested that I supply him with a price list.  He didn't initially say what KIND of product price list.  Scammers don't tend to dwell much on pithy details like that.

So I responded, "Oh sure...we gotz what you needz.  What is it you needz?".

A few days later, I got this:

From: Allen Park <gvvincenzo@gmail.com>
To: yahoo.com
Sent: Monday, July 30, 2012 7:44 PM
Subject: Urgent Order Inquiry!!.

"Hello,
...

I would like to place an order of OEM GENUINE ORIGINAL CATERPILLAR PARTS , and ship to Comanche Oklahoma, below is the part number of the product needed,

OEM GENUINE ORIGINAL CATERPILLAR PARTS
---------------------------------------

(1) 4W 7019 NOZZLE .............Qty 1
(2) 4W 7018 NOZZLE .............Qty 1
(3) 8N7005 NOZZLE ...............Qty 1
(4) OEM CAT INJECTOR PUMP Part #: 127-8222 ...............Qty 1
(5) OEM CAT INJECTOR PUMP Part #: 127-8216 ...............Qty 1

Please quote me from your stock the prizes and I will pay you via Western Union".
Quote him from my stock the 'prizes'? Well at least now I knew WHAT product line he intended to work his scam via.  I was pretty sure it'd be something akin to the overpayment ploy, comparable to that seen on Ebay and Craigslist, among others.

 

Since none of my Bonco, UnInc. products was anything remotely Caterpillar, after giving it a nanosecond of the shallowest thought I could muster, I elected to go him one worse:

"Ooohh, sorry...we don't supply OEM GENUINE ORIGINAL CATERPILLAR PARTS. We do stock post-morph OEM GENUINE ORIGINAL MILLAR PARTS. Awaiting your order".
It took a day, but I got a response.  It was not the kind of response that a supplier wants to get from a potential customer.  That is assuming that the alleged 'supplier' actually WAS a supplier, and the alleged 'customer' actually WAS a customer.

 

I had no such hang ups in this regard, on either side.  But I digress again.  And, in keeping with the general terms of my blog, I had to edit his response:

"f*** off"
Those of you in business know that an unhappy customer does happen.  And you know that the customer -- contrary to all that business school fluff and hooha -- isn't always right.  Especially in Scamland.

 

Anyway, my mythical business had an equally mythical dissatisfied customer.  You just knew I hadda reply.  Do you think I passed or failed in How To Deal With A Dissatisfied Customer 101:

"What...you're not into Millar Time?"
*ducking boos and throwd bottle caps*

 

A+, for any of you who can now tie the photo up top, to the blog post...