Not Your Father's "FBI"

I always thought the FBI was an honorable, hard-working, law-enforcing organization, chocked full of well-educated, dedicated, morally and ethically sound men and women of sterling personal character and integrity.

Well okay, so we ARE in the era of nobama, where nothing ethical matters in DC and the DNC.  But I digress.

But really...with all the things that the FBI is tasked to do and worry about, they have time to send a schlep like ME a letter like THIS?  Really? 

Really*:

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION
FBI HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON DC
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION J.EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001
　
ATTENTION: FUND BENEFICIARY,
WE BELIEVE THIS NOTIFICATION MEETS YOU IN A GOOD STATE OF MIND AND HEALTH. WE THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI) WASHINGTON, DC IN CONJUNCTION WITH SOME OTHER RELEVANT INVESTIGATION AGENCIES HERE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA HAVE RECENTLY BEEN INFORMED THROUGH OUR GLOBAL INTELLIGENCE MONITORING NETWORK THAT THE SUM OF $10.500,000.00, HAS BEEN TRANSFERRED TO A BANK IN AMERICA BEARING YOUR NAME AS THE BENEFICIARY.

YOU ARE BEING CONTACTED BY THE FBI ANTI TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION BECAUSE THE FUND WAS TRANSFERRED WITHOUT PROPER DOCUMENTATIONS TO PROVE THAT THE FUND IS NOT RELATED TO TERRORIST OR MONEY LAUNDERING ACTIVITIES.

FOR SECURITY REASONS AND DUE TO THE LEVEL OF TERRORIST / MONEY LAUNDERING ACTIVITIES GOING ON HERE IN THE UNITED STATES, YOU ARE MANDATED TO OBTAIN THE LEGAL WIRING DIST DOCUMENT SO AS TO PROVE TO US THAT YOU ARE NOT RELATED TO TERRORIST OR MONEY LAUNDERING ACTIVITIES.

IT MIGHT INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT WE HAVE TAKEN OUT TIME IN SCREENING THROUGH THIS TRANSACTION AS STIPULATED ON OUR PROTOCOL OF OPERATION AND HAVE FINALLY CONFIRMED YOU AS THE RIGHTFUL BENEFICIARY OF THE SAID AMOUNT OF $10.500, 000.00.

WARNING: YOU WILL BE ARRESTED FOR MONEY LAUNDERING/ TERRORISM IF THE NEEDED DOCUMENTS ARE NOT OBTAINED WITHIN 48 HOURS, WE WILL ALSO CLOSE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT AND JAIL YOU, AND ALL YOUR PROPERTIES WILL BE CONFISCATED BY THE FBI IF FOUND GUILTY AS CHARGED.

TO THIS REGARDS, YOU ARE ADVISED TO GET BACK TO US IMMEDIATELY FOR INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO OBTAIN THE LEGAL DOCUMENTS WITHIN 48 HOURS.

Finally, you are expected to have the CLEARANCE DOCUMENT obtain at a fee of USD Five Hundred and Fifty ($550) from where the FUND originated from to have you and your fund cleared. Only then shall we release your FUND as clean money devoid of any illegality, and you will be free of any involvement. To this end, the funds will be legally credited in your account with immediate effect.

NOTE: THE SAID AMOUNT OF $10.500, 000.00 WILL BE RELEASED INTO ANY ACCOUNT OF YOUR CHOICE UPON THE CONFIRMATION OF THE NEEDED DOCUMENTS FROM YOU.　
　
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
SPECIAL AGENT FRED JONES,
ON BEHALF OF THE FBI DIRECTOR
MR. ROBERT S. MUELLER

I don't think I need to beat this to death, but I didn't want to reply to an 'official' FBI email with too much disrespect, if it turns out that this email really DID come from the REAL FBI.  I am, after all, a God-fearin', flag-waving, law-abiding, patriotic taxpaying American with occasionally bad gas.

So I had to keep all this in mind, when I carefully crafted my special 'edit' of an email from perhaps a very pre-eminent, world-recognized law enforcement agency.

And with all that taken into account, I uttered an "aw, f**k it" and responded with this edit:

ANTI-EM AND MONETARY MASTURBATIONS DIVISION
FBI HINDQUARTERS WASHINGTON DC
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INCESTIGATION J.EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
935 PENNSLOPVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001

Attention Peasant:

We have for the past several months been conducting covert surveillance of you.  Oh yes.  YOU.

We planted microcameras in your office, your car, your bathroom, even in your underwear and toilet paper.  We KNOW EVERYTHING YOU DO.

By the way...that thing you do in your crotch when you're driving....STOPPITTTTTT.  You are one sick puppy.

We have determined that while you are not a threat to the long term security of a cucumber farm in Califorlornia, you ARE a threat to the environment by the amount of toilet paper you use.  Oh, and that's another disgusting thing about you...you have pimples on your butt.

Told ya that we were watching.

Granted, our handlers that assigned us this surveillance detail would have a genital apoplexy if they knew we had sent you this email.  But then, THEY don't have to watch the crap that WE have to watch about YOU.  If they did, they'd have closed this investigation already.  And hosed your whole house interior out with Pine-Sol.

And taken away your hamster.  You really put that thing in your butt?

At any rate...since we are watching, and since you now KNOW that we're watching, we would appreciate if some of your more unseemly habits and daily routines could be...um...sanitized and abbreviated?  Since you now KNOW we have to watch, and you also now KNOW that we don't have a choice on this -- the boss says we watch, so we watch -- would you quit acting like Harry Reid and quit wiping your backside with a rabbit? 

The 'sh** not sticking to a rabbit's fur' thing was a joke, not a fact.  Even if Snopes hasn't posted it as such yet.  

Oh, and your using nasal boogers in place of glue to stick things together...if you're not careful, you'll be on a reality show with the Kardashians.  At least the Kardashians don't eat theirs.

So there you have it...we're watching you.  You now know it.  If you want to continue your vile personal habits -- and we haven't even addressed what you did with that nun last Saturday night -- fine, but if you want us to quit watching you do them, send us bribe money to make us "go away".  We'll let you decide what you think is fair.

But it better be enough for us to buy us a whore the next time we travel overseas with the potus.

DOH...that's right, we're not the Secret Service.  We have to arrange for our own.

*Disregard above sentence*

If you know what's good for you, email us back, and in 5,000 words of less, tell us why you think that we should publish all the most disgusting video we have of you on YouTube.  Winning essay gets a feather boa once worn as a thong by J. Edgar Hoover.

Sincerely...really...HONEST,
Robert S. Mueller-lookalike
(on weekends I play Rachael Maddow AND Ed Schultz, at the same time, on pmsnbc).

So far, none of the recipients of this 'edit' have responded.  Probably too busy combing their underwear and toilet paper for those hidden cameras...

*  well, it wasn't really the FBI what sent me this...but they said it was...  ;-)