When A Contest Scam Gets conTORTed

More than a few email scammers consider me insufferable.

Especially when I take one of their contest scams, and rewrite it as a cross between a legal-sounding class action scam, and a revolutionary new sex change scam.

And it only took a few violated syllables, and various other parts.

The scammer claimed to be representing the United Nations, an organization therein called ECOWAS, and some international lottery.

The email rewrit by me doesn't sound like the recipient is being notified that he/she won a contest.  Anything but.

But then, you can (try to) read it and decide for yourself:

From: European Union And Ecowsass Legal Service mailto:info@mail.com
To:
Sent: Friday, August 10, 2012 8:32 AM
Subject: Legal Disclamer Attention,

Herein lies the corpus delecti to which the tortus fallatus lacks plausible deniability in a same sexual door knob environment. The writ of habeas corpse is a dead issue, pursuant to the litigatory migration of platypus vaginas without a penis therein to append.

We happily announce to you that the previous legal mumbo jumbo is part and partum ducay of a series of briefs previously worn by persons with leaky prostates and dubious bladder control. We refer you to sharia law edict number cous cous dirka dirka of the ISTITUTO PACE SVILUPPO INNOVAZIONE ACLI -- loosely translated, that's 'towel head masturbator' -- with organisers in the United Nations, Middle East, and Ecowsass Bovinations Society.

Your e-mail address has become sacrosanct pursuant to nasal passages in the Bering Sneeze, navigational when you remove your finger from digging for collosal conglomerated masses of solidified mucus (outside of legal jargon, the term is "big honkin' boogers"). This can be found in Volume XXXIX of the Dune Quadrorilogy For The Criminally Joe Bidumb, and is patently pending a brain transplant.

You have therefore been approved to be named as Party Of The Multi-sex-organial part, in the sharia filing of Mohammad vs Achmed's Virgin Camel Dealerships (from Assad to Zagreb, nobody beats an Achmed virgin camel deal, nobody). Plaintiffs in the filing are seeking custodial ownership to virgin camel vaginas now on the lots of the aforementioned defendant, along with punitive damages of $75,000,000 in counterfeit West African francs.

To become a part of this classless action suit, file for your claim by pleasing to contact our agent.
Mr Calvino Costantino, Atturkey At Law.
EMAIL ADDRESS:   mr_calvinocostantino12@hotmail.com
　
Endeavour to contact her with the following informations, and ignore the fact that we just called a 'he' a 'her', because he/she got one of those new peginas (a hybrid cross between a penis and vagina), which allows him/her to f**k him/herself, without a second party having to take a hand, so to speak.

When contacting him/her, pleased to provide the following useless informations:

1,Full Names
2,Contact Address
3,Telephone Number
4,Age
5,Sex
6,Nationality7,Occupation
8, How long has you been a penis-headed vaginal nose?

With only that respect necessary to ensure you'll reply,
Rose Wood (Mrs)

I have so far left all recipients of this email -- including the originators of the pre-edited edition -- speechless.  Or with an overwhelmed spellchecker.

Hate when that happens.