When They Don' Read What I Dun

How often do I get to publish a post on February 29, eh? How special is that?

For scammers what don't read what I dun to their original missive, there can be moments like h'yar.

Let's start with one such goofus, purported to be a James Pascal. See below:

MICROSOFT LOTTERY BOARD

2055 Watson Street

Belfeast, London,E13-0PF

United Kingdom

Telephone: +447035954076 +447011130733
Dear Lottery Winner ,

On behalf of the staffs, members and the entire board of Microsoft Lottery Worldwide; I, Mr. James Pascal the lottery claims manager, wish to congratulate you once again on the final approval of your won prize Cheque of £800,000 GBP. Your winning number has been verified. Your won prize is now been deposited with Totney Trust Bank Plc for the transfer of your won prize. You are to contact the Bank via email and follow the bank's instructions.

CONTACT OUR PAY OUT BANK FOR TRANSFER OF PRIZE:

===============================

TOTNEY TRUST BANK PLC

Philip Collins Ltd., Ground Floor

25 Ives Street

London SW3 2ND

United Kingdom

ttb-transfer@ttb-online.uk.tc

A typically badly-written scam online lottery email. And here is what I dun widdit, and returned to the original scammer, and 24 of his peers and colleagues:

From: MR. JAMES PASCAL mr.james_pascal@yahoo.com

Subject: CONTACT OUR BAKERY FOR TRANSFER OF PIES

To: Anyone what gets it

Date: Monday, February 20, 2012, 12:09 AM
MICROSOFT BAKERY BOARD
2055 Watson Street,
Belfeast, London, E13-0PF
United Kingdom
Telephone: +447035954076 +447011130733
Dear Twinkie Head,
On behalf of the staffs, members and the entire board of Microsoft Bakery Board, I, Mr. James Pascal of dubious antecedence and having no dick of my own, wish to congratulate you once again on the final approval of your receiving from us 800,000 pounds of cow pies. Your winning number has been verified..(trying not to choke on my own dick here). Your won pies is now been deposited with Totney Twot 'N Rot Bakery Shipping for the transfer of your won pies. You are to contact the bakery via email and follow the bakery's instructions.
CONTACT OUR BAKERY FOR TRANSFER OF PIES:
===============================
TOTNEY TWOT 'N ROT BAKERY SHIPPING

Philip Collins Ltd.
Ground Floor
25 Ives Street
London SW3 2ND
United Kingdom
Telephone: +447035967245, +447011120725
Email: ttb-transfer@ttb-online.uk.tc
==========================
Congratulations! once again.
MR. JAMES PASCAL

dickless and pissed about it

It took less than a day, and I got not one, but two replies from the alleged bank/bakery, knowd beforehand as Totney Trust Bank PLC, and after editing knowd as Totney Twot 'N Rot Bakery Shipping.

Here is what they sent me first:

TOTNEY TRUST BANK PLC

Philip Collins Ltd., Ground Floor

25 Ives Street, London SW3 2ND

United Kingdom

Tel: +447035967245, +447011120725, +447011121254

Email: ttb-transfer@ttb-online.uk.tc

DATE: 27-02-2012 (27, Feb, 2012)

FROM: Totney Trust Bank Plc

Dear Valued Customer,

We are in receipt of your email and your deposited won prize of £800,000 GBP is now ready to be transferred into your personal bank account and to implement the Micro Telegraphic Transfer for your deposited won prize, you need to fill out the below "Bank Transfer Form" and send it back to us. Without the below requirements, it is impossible for us to transfer your winning funds to you. Take note, all funds deposited must be transferred within 48hours of bank notice and if not transferred, will be return back to the lottery board. So, fill the below Transfer Form and send it back to us.

BANK TRANSFER FORM:

* Your Bank Name:............................

* Account Number:............................

* Names on Account:.........................

* Swift/ Routine No:...........................

* Home Address:...............................

* Nationality/Country:.........................

* Cellphone No:.................................

* Work/Home Phone No:...................

Hope you understood the contents of this message. In case you need any help/ assistance, don't hesitate to email or call us.

Regards,

Mr. Philip Anderson,

Manager, Totney Trust Bank Plc.

And a minute later, according to the email time stamp, they followed it widdis:
DATE: 27-02-2012 (27, Feb, 2012)

FROM: Totney Trust Bank Plc

Dear Valued Customer,

We are the asigned bank to transfer this funds into your personal bank account. We are mandated to help you transfer the funds by the lottery board and I believe that was the instruction you have been given? In your reply which is well understood perhaps they not explain it to you?

They told you to contact us because your winning funds was deposited here in our bank (Totney Trust Bank Plc.). We are given the instructions to carry the wire transfer for your deposited winning funds and you are to follow our instructions.

Hope you understood the contents of this message. In case you need any help/ assistance, don't hesitate to email or call us.

Regards,

Mr. Philip Anderson,

Manager, Totney Trust Bank Plc.

With an opening like this, I had two choices: (a) play with them or (b) rewrite their responses, and see if maybe the *TOING* would come to them this time.

As you'll see, I opted for (b):

DATE: 27-02-2012 (27, Feb, 2012)

FROM: Totney Twot 'N Rot Bakery Shipping

Dear Valued Customer,

We are in receipt of your email that we obviously didn't read, as you can tell by our canned, formed response, because we think you fell for our jackpot scam, instead of reading that you were acknowledging being prepared to receive 800,000 pounds of cow pies.
Bear with us, because we here on this end are stupid this way. What we were hoping you'd do next is fill out a faux bank transfer form; but we see that it's been corrupted in some manure, and now it reads "Bakery Pie Transfer Form". Regardless, fill it out and send it back to us. Not that we'll read it, any more than we read the first one. Because we here on this end are stupid this way. Take note, all pies deposited must be transferred within 48 hours of bakery notice and if not transferred, will be return back to the pasture from whenst they wuz collected. So, fill the below Bakery Pie Transfer Form and send it back to us (which I didn't alter..*yawn*). Hope you understood the contents of this message better than we did. Because we here on this end are stupid this way. In case you need any help/ assistance, don't hesitate to email or call us, and we'll try to find one person, somewhere, who has an IQ approximately equal to that of a tree stump.

Regards,

Mr. Philip Anderson,

Manager, Totney Twot 'N Rot Bakery Shipping
"Shipping Sh** Is What We Do"

And then came the follow up rewrite:
Tuesday, February 28, 2012 12:39 AM
From: Totney Twot 'N Rot Bakery Shipping ttb-transfer@ttb-online.uk.tc

To:

Sent: Monday, February 27, 2012 4:30 PM

Subject: UNDERSTANDAGE
TOTNEY TWOT 'N ROT BAKERY SHIPPING

Philip Collins Ltd.

Ground Floor

25 Ives Street, London SW3 2ND

United Kingdom

Tel: +447035967245, +447011120725, +447011121254

Email: ttb-transfer@ttb-online.uk.tc

Dear Valued Customer,

We are the asigned persons of dubious antecedence and speciological obfuscation that is asign to scam you in this rather mundane and stupid way of ours. We are mandated to help you, even as we do not know the meaning of the word 'mandated', which we are thinking is suggestive of being gay. Are we gay? We don't know if we are or not. Is being gay being happy, or is being gay being attracted to our own sex? We are kind of stupid in these things, but we digress.
We believe that there was an instruction or more that you have been given? They told you to contact us because your pies was deposited here in our bakery (Totney Twot 'N Rot Bakery Shipping). We are given the instructions by our handlers to guide you onto a path of delivering to us funds that we will make the most illicit use of.
What does "illicit" mean, please? We are kind of stupid in these things, but we digress some more.
You are to follow our instructions once we manage to come up with some. Hope you understood the contents of this message. In case you did, could you write back to us and explain what it is we are supposed to be doing here, and how we can do it? Remember we did say that we needed to find a person with an IQ equal to a tree stump. We're still looking for one.
If you know what any of this means, don't hesitate to email or call us and explain it to us. We are kind of stupid in these things, as now you can see.

Regards,

Mr. Philip Anderson,

Manager, Totney Twot 'N Rot Bakery Shipping
PS: oh f**k...we just found out that we're supposed to be scamming you as a BANK, not a BAKERY. Are we f**king bad stupid or what? But we are kind of stupid in these things.

Whoever is representing themselves as the "bank" -- or one of their aggrieved handlers -- finally got around to reading some part of this rewritten critter; I got back a rather tart reply from the 'bank', the essence of which was:

you r an asshole f*k off

In view of the Academy Awards what just occurred, I accepted my award with grace and style:

Yes, that is true. I thank you and your peers for this award, and I must also thank all of your thousands of peers and colleagues who made this award possible. I could have done it without you, but it wouldn't have been as funny.

The lack of email *applause* that followed was undeafening.

Masters of the Lost Baiters

This was a bit of a new one for me. But only a little bit.

A character of dubious antecedence but with Hollyweird knowledge, and claiming to be Adams Mensah, the "stock keeper of the aiport warehouse at Kotoka International Aiport" -- wherever the hell THAT is -- wanted to let me know that in 2011, he was appointed to start finding owners for all the lost items in this alleged warehouse, and that for simple custom fees paid in advance, I could receive my property.

And the yutz attached THIS PICTURE to the email, to impress me with just how much stuff his warehouse has.

Having remembered this picture from the closing scene of Raiders Of The Lost Ark, and which was briefly revisited in Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, I had to laugh briefly, before deciding how to rewrite his offer to give me the business, and share it with a couple dozen of his peers.

Lowering my IQ to that of a DC insider to come up with something suitable, was too easy for me, as you will see:

From: Adams Mensah info@info.net

To: Undisclosed Recipients

Sent: Monday, February 20, 2012 10:31 AM

Subject: NEEDING A WORKING BRAIN HERE

Dear Sir/MadamFirst, I will like to introduce myself. I am Adams Mensah, a skool drop out and all around lazy f**k who has done nothing useful in life up to now, and dont plan on it hereafter, either. But that's for later.

I am the key master to the gate keeper of the Kotoka International Aiport warehouse, located in beautifully desolate and highly Third Worlded Africa. At about 17.45hours on Friday dated 24th September 2011, the chief security officer (CSO) of Aiport Decongestion Committee found out what he was called, and promptly vaporlocked, trying to read those big f**king words. After many months pass by, and someone finally get around to burying rather than trying to eat him, the job it get passed to me, and I have no f**king idea what to do with it. I never worked a day in my life. Masturbated plenty with neighborhood simians, but I dont consider that work.

Anyway, there is some bogus claims about what is in this warehouse that I'm supposed to find owners for. When I did a walk through of the place, all I found were dusty boxes with maggots, spiders and things that smelled bad. But the f**king CSO have assign me to locate all the foreign owners of all abandon properties, so I am writing you this proposal so I can get rid of this sh** and go back to masturbating with my simian friends.

I want you to know that I have made every necessary arrangement on how the boxes will get to you, even though I have no idea what I just wrote. All I know how to do is arrange masturbation with simians. What I need is your permission to forge ahead, whatever that means, and get rid of this sh** by sending it to you. You must, of course, pay for it to be send to you. That is where the scam part of this is. Haha.

Oh f**k, was I supposed to writed that? Dammit, I hate when I f**k up a punch line. I cant tell jokes, either.

There is no IF here; you must are be willing to do this business. Don't f**king think very well within yourself because you have small Customs Duty to clear in your country according to what the security company stated; just f**king say yes to the rather stupid questions I'm going to ask you below.

Now my stupid questions are:

1. Can you handle this project with someone who masturbates with simians?

2. Can I trust you not to try to steal one of my masturbating simians?

3. Can you keep my simian masturbation very confidential?

Kindly get back to me soonest. That's how we sez it here. I need your maximum co-operation and high level of confidentiality, neither of which I have a f**king clue about. I will give you the break down on the sharing modalities as soon as I look up what modalities are, and find out if I can masturbate with them or not. If I can, you wont get them. Haha.

Sincerely

Adams Mensah

Not unusual of late, I got no replies from any of the couple dozen of scammers I copied this to. But I did get one rather testy reply from the alleged -- and now aggrieved -- Mr. Mensah:

u r not nice person. f*k u dont contact me more.

Knowing that I'm not a nice person, you all knew I would contact him more:

I know I'm not supposed to contact you more, but I did have to ask: how many keyboards do you have to replace each year, after your masturbation-laden fingers get that sticky sh** all over the keyboards, gumming them up? Just wonderin'...

No reply since. He must need another new keyboard...

Short Undt Sveet, Bitte?

Sometimes, it's fun to get foreign language spam/scam emails.

I don't understand much, if any of it; all the more fun I have in crafting what passes for one of my "ugly American" replies.

After rewriting an email spam that went from offering 'fish oil products' for health (the link was suggestive that it was from Russia -- .ru -- which in my experience are ALL scam oriented), to urging all shrimp cocktail to rise up against their 'peel 'n eaters', all I got for my trouble was a nastygram from Red Lobster, suggesting I'd had a temporary restraining hors d'oeuvre filed against me.

*rimshot, or ducking boos and throwd cocktail napkins*

Anyway, in my latest flurry of email scam/spams, I got this little gem from the bowels of Alles Deutchland:

Vielen Dank für Ihre Nachricht! Ich kümmere mich gerne darum nach meinem Urlaub. Falls Sie Fragen zu unserem DVD Set haben, oder sich für eines der Seminare anmelden möchten, können Sie in dieser Zeit Herrn Radim Vlcek unter seiner Telefonnummer 08056/ 90 39 37 oder unter der emailadresse info@heil-kunst.org während meines Urlaubs erreichen. Wenn Sie sich für eine Beckenbodenkurs anmelden möchten, können Sie einfach eine email oder ein Fax unter derselben Nummer schicken. Ich wünsche Ihnen eine schöne Zeit und freue mich schon auf Sie ab dem 28.Februar. mit freundlichem Gruß, Anja Corinna Straßner

I'm sure some of you more linguistically learned sorts out there know what this ist all abooten. I don't. What's politically correct worse, I went ahaid an' rewrote and replied to it anywho, in my own brand of sprechen ze vass ist loss:

From: Anja Corinna Straßner info@anja-strassner.de

To: kelvin_isi@yahoo.com (one of my favorite former scammers to continue to screw with)

Sent: Saturday, February 18, 2012 5:26 PM

Subject: Bitte Awpeterstain 28.Februar
Vorken loitnen das ist kaput undt alles vernicht für Ihre Nachricht! Ich bin kameraden midde spitzen sparken undt kapoofen undt schtuff. Falls downen goest boomensee on das DVD Set haben, oder gesundheit. Seminare anmelden möchten, morken vorken flieger schiesse Herrn Radim Vlcek midde Telefonnummer 206-339-1245 (yes, I'm continuing to direct scammers to use the US based telephone number a scammer gave ME to use). Callen undt sayunsee "Das ist hundsfott!" undt hangen uppen midde snort undt giggles undt schtuff. Or emailensee das dumkopf atten info@heil-kunst.org während undt writen silly schtuff to Herr Vlcek.
Don't vaiten undt miss outten on das scammensee of das lifetimen! Vaiten until das ist todt ist verboten undt bad formen undt schtuff! Maken sure du sprechen das Fraulein Anja Corinna StraBner midde deutchen 'B' sendenze du fer das fun undt schlobberknocker undt knockenwurst. Nummer schicken kuckucksheim das crowen midde pecker das in barn yarden ist ge boch. Vunderbar. Gitter dunnenzee by 28.Februar. mit freundlichem Gruß, Anja Corinna Straßner, tart undt fraulein midde snatch fer zale undt rent.

I hope I don't get one of these from Uranus; all I know of alien lingo is from Mars Attacks!

Yep, Western Union DOES Transfer That, Too

Despite the picture in the previous post, I think that the smiling moose here gets the last laugh.

Sticking with the theme of the last email scambait reply -- perhaps pun intended -- I got another one that was oriented to the UN, Western Union, and scammers. And again, I was warned not to communicate further with scammers.

But this one came from Spain. Or so it was writ.

As a kid, I learned that the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain. What I learned later was that the email scams from Spain can originate anywhere, thanks to the Internet.

AlGore's faux legacy, along with his globull warming scam.

At any rate, here's another email scam warning me to avoid email scammers. Written by email scammers. I was so impressed, I 'stuck' to the theme of the previous email, and expanded upon it:

From: Formación Universitaria formaci@mitra.udea.edu.co

To:

Sent: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 1:53 PM

Subject: YOU ARE TO STOP FURTHER COMMUNICATION

FROM OFFICE OF EUROPE SPERM BANKWESTERN UNION SPERM TRANSFER DIVISION ADDRESS: VIA EUROPE 18 RAVENNA 47100 SPAIN

Tel: +34 634 025 914 Fax: +34 935-457-090

Email: To claims_mtcnunit@xyan.us

Attention: Beneficiary.

Following the high rate of fraud star, scam and sperm laundry activities case perpetrated via South Africa, Nigeria, Ghana, Togo , Europe and other African countries, we write to inform you about the meeting held today by the EU Sperm laundry commission , organized crime/fraud division.

You are warned to stop further communication or dealing you have with anybody regarding the collection of your sperm, due to the fraudulent activities going on worldwide for your own good, because your sperm is right here in our custodians care.
How he got your sperm is not to be of concern now; suffice it to say that he got it, and the rather perverted, albeit well-intentioned twit, is now protecting it from unsavory uses in countries where scam is rampant. Or at least, so he says.
Secondly, we have discovered that some of these deposited sperms including yours & other (5.000) innocent scam victims, have faced untold extortion of prodigy, by online perverts who claim to have used your sperm interspecies-ally. There is a gazelle with your eyes in Burundi, I am told. This is the kind of thing we are here to stop. Unless the gazelle is cute, but that's for later.
European Union sperm laundry commission committee has instructed us to be checking your deposit via western union sperm. Please make note of information below, for it will be needed by you further on in this email.

Sperm Transfer Control Number (S.T.C.N): 8453767657

Senders First Name: ION

Senders Last Name: GURGU

This is still on-hold due to the fact that we need to hear from you to verify and
authenticate your information before we can authorize any withdrawals from your sperm deposits. We also need a list of authorized persons to withdraw from your account, so that we, and you, can be assured that your sperm will not be used to impregnate yaks in Siberia. The human/yeti crossbreeding question in Tibet still hasn't been settled, either. You may be asked for a blood test to check paternity.
You are require to send copy of your international passport, contact Phone Number and your full contact Address for our record. Also provide us with list of authorized persons to access and withdraw from your sperm account.
You don't want to be surprised by an Emu, showing up on your door step with your characteristics, and legal documentation, one day.

Sincerely Regards.

Mr. Rapheal Williams

Western Union Sperm Control Officer

claims_mtcnunit@xyan.us

Europe Sperm Bank Spain.

I never got a response from anyone connected to this email, or from anyone receiving it. I guess that none of them ever pondered, as I did, if they have a debit card for automated deposits and withdrawals?

On immediate reflection....never mind ;-)

Western Union Transfers THAT, Too?

It's probably news to Western Union.

Art imitates Life. Sometimes, as pictured here, life can be fooled by art's imitation. The bronze buffalo will never know what poked it.

The moose will never have to worry about paternity suits. Only a bruised winkee, maybe.

BUT...in a recent scam email, I was adjured to 'stop all communication with scammers'. Which, had I taken the email at it's title behest, I wouldn't have responded to it.

Careful what you wish for, scammers.

As usual, the scammers didn't say with their email heading what they really wanted from me. And has been my practice these long, learning, cooperative years, what they got from me wasn't what they anticipated.

Some people have dared to call me out on my seeming 'dissing' of the United Nations. Not at all. I just think that if the scammers can use the UN to pursue a scam angle, I can use the UN to pursue a scambait response. And if it happens to include the mention of Western Union, well...

At any rate, I still await a response from the scammer and/or any of his receiving colleagues and peers. Especially if the female scammer mentioned in the email gets phone calls at weird hours of the day at my behest ;-) But, I'll bet Western Union never imagined that they'd be called upon to do wire transfers as depicted in this rewrite:

From: WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER wumt@giving.com.tw

To: wumtpayoutunitednations@hotmail.com

Sent: Sunday, February 12, 2012 2:15 PM

Subject: Mr Jim Says Stop All Communication With Scammers

United Nations has established an office of Services For Sexually Dispossessed. For those throughout the world who are viewed as sexual "deviants" or "perverts", we of the Office of Services For Sexually Dispossessed (UNOSFSD) have come to your rescue.

We have received your name as one who has suffered sexual disposession, and we are here to serve you. Among other services being field tested by UN peacekeepers, we have established a 'sperm bank' service, so that you may deposit and perpetuate your sorry prodigy, even when you is butt ugly and not even a wayward, cross-eyed moose would give you the time of day.

Do send your Name,Address & Phone Number to this cleverly disguised email address (wumtpayoutunitednations@hotmail.com) to apply for your sexual relief and gratification, as well as to establish an account with our sperm bank.

Or call Mrs Franca Lee @ +6010 3770 946 for more inquiries on the above message. She is eager to service you as soon as you call. No time, day or night, is bad for you to call Franca Lee, our "Madam Lou Bunch" of the UNOSFSD! She'll handle your deposits the same way she's handled every last one of our UN peacekeepers.

SPECIAL NOTICE: All E-mail response should be sent to the following email address for confirmation and service approval wumtpayoutunitednations@hotmail.com

Yours truly

Mr. Jim
Public Restroom Janitor at the UN Building, NYC, NY

and survivor of Mrs Franca Lee's sperm donor techniques...

The UN and Western Union. They're into everything, aren't they?

The Valentine Reply

Those of you what read it, you asked for it.

Well, at least three of you did. What I would do with the email scam online video sex request from Adriana (see previous post).

I replied to Adriana and 22 of her most deserving peers and colleagues. And I attached this photo with the rewrite. It seems quite plausible that this is what Adriana looks like, after her email and videos travelled through the various filters and portals from a parallel dimension, to this one.

I mean, when you read that email, you DIDN'T really believe it came from an educated adult in OUR world, right?

Or maybe I'm the naive one here...at any rate, here's what I dun widdit:

BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? Did I contact another f***ing loser who can't f***ing follow simple email instructions? Grand Canyonesque vaginas above!

Though, maybe it's this dam laptop is such a piece of garbage, since I had to get it from my handler at the internet cafe where I perform lewd acts on domesticated farm animals to keep the locals from dozing off at their keyboards.

Anyways how u been? In case u dont know who this is its ME, ADRIANA. Yeah, the one that gave you such hot nightmares back in '09, that involved spurting foam, riled gerbils, and inflatable manatee sex toys. We used to chat a bit on facebook and thenI think u deleted me. Why the f*** would you do that?

Well, I got 2 things to tell u.. both good news to those who perpetually drink in barlight.. 1) im single now.. and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEARU.. lol... ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 300 of your neighbors, two dozen sexual deviants who come -- figuratively and literally -- to my web cam, and a few dozen cousins who I am willing to sell myself to if the pickings locally are slim.

I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill. Now that you see a picture of me, you know it to be true and it's even more true after a fifth of Crown Royale or any form of 80 or better proof alcohol. Hell, I'm Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, AND J. Lo rolled into one, when the mix of alcohol and barlighting is right.

And I'm downright AWESOME in pitch black. 'Cept I bump into a lot of sh** when I have to chase you, dammit. Don't run away like others have tried if a little light sneaks in. That hurts my feelings. And my knees, ankles, whatever else I bump into sh** with trying to catch you.

im hoping this email addy is stillthe one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe evenhelp me move my sh** in...are u still on facebook? You changed your picture from a person to an animal, and I wasn't sure if that was to make yourself harder to find, or was telling me something significant about your sexual preferences.

Well, I am here to tell you that NOTHING is off my list of doable, baby.

Now that i am single, ok so more info about me.. well im 23 in some binary measure of chronology. Not sure if it's human, dog, cat, or Galapagos Island tortoise. I was born under the unheralded 13th astrological sign of Gorkus. If you haven't heard of it, it is signified by two buzzards colliding in mid-air. I love to socialize, go out for drinks, meth, ecstacy, and demonstrate my sexual prowess after a few good crack hits with my lil kitty named BOO. I hope your claws aren't as sharp as hers hahaha.

If you hadn't realized it yet, uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but every gurl is they just wont admit it. so i love watching p0rn and all that.. love sex etc blah blah blah...who doesnt..I even more enjoy doing lots of unspeakable things to furniture, kitchen appliances, and shaving cream containers. Videotaped, of course. I tried to make a Doritos commercial for the Super Bowl, but I couldn't get the dog to eat the Snickers after what I did to it. Hahaha. No one would have remembered Betty White after THAT commercial.

OH YA also.. i need to find a job when i get there..do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? id LOVE to work in a bar or sex toy store, or at a truck stop or in a massage parlor, something like that. i currently work from home and well thats cool but i need to be out meeting new clients.. oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what idid? hmm shud i......???? ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded out on me.. i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat with people while fornicating with hambones HHAHA... BOMB right :)?

I KNOW.. like i figure i'm horny anyways why not get paid to do the most disgusting things online and on video that get me YouTube exposure and millions of hits from classy places like Russia and Burundi?

anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO THATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol... i actually need a video partner to help take my webcams to the next perverted level, and I want you to work with me, and use your many sources to bring in live chickens, turkeys, rabbits, gerbils, koalas....any kind of live animal that can make my sex videos reach the one BILLION hit mark. Then I get a bonus!

Hahaha. I know what you're thinking. Hee.

lol..ANYWAYS.. heres the deal....every month natalie (my boss) gives each of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u can go in to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like everyone else... the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY USE IT FOR URSELF...

But if you share it with a college fraternity or sports bar, something like that, that's okay too.

remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD EXCEPT WHAT I JUST SAID WERE EXCEPTIONS TO MAKE PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. oh, screw that. I don't trust you any more than I trust the bitch I work for. Hear that, Natalie? You're a slave-driving BEEYOTCH.

hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probablysoooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. im gonna go start work and get my webcam all sticky and icky. ireally hope u come. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my stress about the movie i'm making... if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get thereafter my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. but im hopign to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code im gonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLS INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS..well, unless you give it out to the exceptions I listed. hahahaha. k babe im outfor now... chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo ADRIANA (aka Cletus Sylvester, chat room crossdresser)

I reckon that I shouldn't be surprised that, even having dispatched this back to 'Adriana' and 22 of her peers and colleagues, I didn't draw one response from any of them. Not a peep. Not even a simple two word response that usually sounds more inviting than it's meant to wind up.

Small wonder I'm still single...*wink*

Now HERE Is A Valentine Email

The photo was originally captioned "Pick Up Love". I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

Leave it to email scammers to give me a perfect email in time for Valentine's Day. Yes, I actually received this email, as you're going to read it here. This one is not retouched or edited in any way.

At least, not yet.

How would YOU like to get an email like this, a few days short of Valentine's Day?

Gotta luv them email scammers:

BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive beentryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece ofgarbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been? In case u dont knowwho this is its ME ADRIANA.. we used to chat a bit on facebook and thenI think u deleted me :(

haha.. anyways guess what... I got 2 things totell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke upabout 3 months ago... and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEARU.. lol... ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..I remember when we chattedu told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finallycan HAHA!

im kinda scared to move.. im hoping this email addy is stillthe one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe evenhelp me move my shit in...are u still on facebook? i cudnt find ui wassoo confused...anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town andtake me out so u better be around bebe...we only chatted a coupletimes but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know ubetter when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnttell u cause i wasnt single lol...

ok so more info about me.. well im23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out fordrinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel.. i have a lil kitty namedBOO and i luv her to death... uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too butevery gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and allthat.. love sex etc blah blah blah...who doesnt..I really hope we geta chance to chat for a bit either online or on the fone before i getthere enxt week..

i hope u remmeber me and still wanna chill and arentmarried yet lol.. OH YA also.. i need to find a job when i get there..do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? id LOVE to work in a baror osmehting like that...really anythgin cause my current job is funand all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. icurrently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be outmeeting people..

oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what idid? hmm shud i......???? ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded outon me.. i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chatwith people and get naked HHAHA... BOMB right :)? I KNOW.. like ifigure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and playwith myself heheh...anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NOTHATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol...

i actually need helponce i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out....like isaid before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NONSTOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and imhopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..ANYWAYS..

heres the deal....every month natalie (my boss) gives eachof us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code ucan lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay likeeveryone else... the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we canchat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLYUSE IT FOR URSELF... i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if morethan 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER...

i figured u cudalways email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let melogin half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room...if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. butremember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I TRUSTU...

im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move..also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :( Ireally thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evernremember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probablysoooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. im gonna go start work.. ireally hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of mystress about the move... REALLY i mean that....anyways once i see u ininsdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u dontwanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find menow days..

if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get thereafter my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. but im hopignto see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code imgonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLSINSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha...k babe im outfor now... chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo ADRIANA

FREE VIP BYPASS LINK------>> http://bit.ly/ynQ15s

Bet you don't get an email like THAT just before Valentine's Day, do ya? Neither do I. How to edit it...let alone reply to it...

Dying To Scam

How do scamming, fauxdying, and the 1992 off-the-wall comedy Death Becomes Her, find a commonality?

Perhaps only herein is it possible. Read on.

I received a lengthy offer from an alleged Mrs. Angelina Keith -- titled 'Check Delivery' -- who in the text of her missive also claimed to be a Mother of the convent sort, who'd lost her husband in a 1998 plane crash (everyone in Scamland is dying in plane crashes...where the f*** is the FAA?), was without a child during their previous 11 years of marriage (as a sister, wouldn't she BE without child, AND spouse?), and now was dying from some form of esophageal enlarged vaginitis or some such, and wanted me -- out of billions on the internet -- to see to the charitable distribution of her $9 Million USD estate. With, of course, the help of her barrister, to whom I was to direct all my correspondence, because she was "physical unable to much more correspond".

I'd post the whole original here, but I bore y'all enough ;-)

It'll be enough to simply bore you with what I did to help Mrs. Sister Widow Angelina Keith, by way of enhancing her missive, and sending it back to her and a few dozen of her peers:

From: MRS ANGELINA KEITH cd@countrydesigns.info

To: Sent: Monday, January 30, 2012 6:51 AM

Subject: CZECH DELIVERY
I am sure this mail would be coming to you as a surprise since we have never met before and you would also be asking why I have decided to deliver to you a real live Czech. I cannot say why I have chosen you but do not be worried for I certify that my Czechs come 100% litter box trained.
Before I move further, permit me to give you a little of my biography, I am Mother Angelina Lucy Keith, 134 Years old woman and the wife of Late Sir Abery Keith who died in a Plane crash on Monday the 7th of September 1888. See, they didn't have planes then, and the dumb f**k finally realized that what he was doing was impossible when he was 1,000 feet in the air. Eeeeeyowwww and *splat*, face plant right in a compost pile.
At least we didn't have to bury him; impact took care of that. But I digress.
After the death of my husband I became the Head of his invention firm and now that I am old and weak I have decided to spend the rest of my life in my Ranch, working on inventions like how to rebush my vagina with a hambone, and other rather peculiar sh** like that. I want to come up with one really f**king awesome invention before i finally leave the world, which should have happened a number of years ago, but formaldehyde and lots of plastic surgery keep me going somehow. My doctor says I'm better preserved than a jar of Schmuckers Jam.
I'm not sure if I should thank him or rub his nuts in honey and nail him by his penis to a fire ant hill.

Despite the agreement between my late husband and I to figure out the utility of a parachute AFTER he was 6 feet under the neighbor's compost pile, I wanted to get with you because I was told you like to have sex with wrinkled fossils, and am I ever that! Even the flies that buzz what's left of my crotch are petrified.
I am sorry to inform you that you will never have the chance to know me because I have just farted in my Depends, and nothing but dust came out, meaning that I just blew my dried out cheeks apart. Once these Depends wear out...they'll be picking up my crumbling crotch with a Dirt Devil. Being 134 years old ain't all it's cracked up to be.
See what I just did there? You probably didn't, though all the dust; I just farted again, and blew my anus off.
I was going to deposit some money in an account and allegedly leave it to you, but I haven't got any.
For your information, I have just farted again and my left breast exploded. Eh...it was all dried out and looked like a petrified gourd down around my tummy, anyway.
Anyway, I have left a Czech in your name. I don't remember why; I blew my nose and it exploded. I really need some moisturizer. I look worse than Michael Jackson in that South Park episode.
So contact my business associate: Mr. George Aitchison. He used to be Beulah Bondi, before lots of airplane glue sniffing and perverted experiments with 100 pounds of clay.Email Address: patriotdelievery@mail2london.comPhone: +44-702-402-9669
I'd write and tell you more, but as I tapped the 'shift' key, my right index finger disintegrated. I feel like an unwrapped mummy in an Indiana Jones movie.
Anyway, contact this dumb ass I listed, because he just sits all alone in a room here, trying to self-gratify himself with a flexible vacuum hose slathered in Vaseline. At least I know how to disintegrate.
Please, try to contact him before he gets the hose stuck half way up his intestine.
Be also notified that I will no longer be reading my emails or surfing the internet as I just sneezed again and blew my face off. When the dust settles, I'm sure it'll have left a mark. If you happen to find one of my teeth, please take a picture of it and send it to George. He doesn't believe I ever had any.
Write back before I fart again and blow my torso to hell.
Yours In parts,

Mrs. Angelina Keith

Of no great surprise, I got back no responses from her dozens of peers; some of them had, no doubt, lost any interest in hearing from me after what I dun to their respective missives.

But Mrs. Angelina Keith did deign to respond. Sort of. She replied back, but only with what I had sent her. No text. No doubt that she was left speechless by my masterful commonalitizing of scams, fauxdying, and the movie Death Becomes Her.

And/or perhaps her last finger fell off, landing on the 'Reply' button before she could lay on me some snappy retort. Hate when that happens...

Pong Goes Scam

A simple email scam required a simple rewrite. It showed up as the following:

Hello,

I am Mr Yul Khao Yai a transfer supervisor on investment in Fubon Bank, Hong Kong. I have a business suggestion for you valued at Forty million FiveHundred Thousand United State Dollars( $40,500,000.00 USD ).Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.If interested do contact me on my email: YulKhaoYai09@w.cn. for more details.Regards,Yul Khao Yai

Simple. Straightforward. BOOORRRRRRINNNNGGGGG.

Even at that, I was at first bereft of an idea for a response. So I went web surfing. And it didn't take long for a *TOING* to present itself.

And here is the result:
From: Wii Phuk Yu <john@hotmail.hk>

To: Sent: Saturday, January 28, 2012 6:17 AM

Subject: Herro
Herro,

I am Mr Wii PhukYu a tarent scout for extwemewy successfur TV show
Chinese Idor. Originary we name it Horrywood In Bangkok, but our
censors have fit over that name, so we go with Chinese Idor. But I digress-san.
We are about to trump your show American Idor with ratest phenom to hit pranet
since combining The Crapper with Pet Rock (we carr it the Pet Crapper). Our
animar behavior scientists have trained guinea pigs to pray ping pong, and they are
to compete in next Orympic Games. We are most exciteabre about this, yes?
We want you to invest in our pran and berieve that it is most rucrative proposar since
musicar toirets made sprash here.
Prease endeavor to observe utmost discretion in matters concerning this issue untir we
ready go pubric. Prease do contact me on my emair: YulKhaoYai09@w.cn. for more detairs.

Regards,Wii Phuk Yu

I was gratified to receive back from one scammer so blessed to receive a copy of this email, the following inquiry:

r u serious?

I believe I convinced him of my seriousness with this:

Absorutery! And for the first 100 persons to respond to this emair, they receive via the QVC Channer a copy of Bernie Madoff's Greatest Scams, comprete with compretery useress Certificate of InAuthenticity! Can I put you in for one?

I'm still awaiting confirmation. He probably doesn't know what QVC is...

Punxsutawney Scam

Did you know: some scammers are NOT cognizant of February 2, any year, of being Ground Hog Day?

I didn't know this.

So how did I learn this? Easy: I had Punxsutawney Phil edit and 'respond' to and as an email scammer*.

Oh, it's not such a stretch: with ipads, notepads, droids, the availability of unencrypted wifi and such, did you think that the real Punxsutawney Phil isn't tied into The Weather Channel's long range weathercasting, before making his annual prediction? With all the sophisticated electronics in his burrow, it's a wonder Phil isn't Phriccassee.

But on the assumption that perhaps some of the email scammers who received this epistle ARE cognizant of Ground Hog Day, were they ever in for the prediction of their lives:

Yo
My name is Mohamed Alshaikh Bahrainian, a citizen based in Libya as business associate and personal Assistant to Mr. Saif Al-Islam who was arrested 20th November 2011 with two of his Aids while trying to flee to Niger Republic by the National Transition Government who over throw the late Colonel Gadaffi Government after the 9 months war.

Okay...that's a f**king lie. I am Punxsutawney Phil, that overweight ground hog who, for one pain-in-the-ass day a year, becomes rodent de celeb in a burg of peculiar folks in Pennsylvania. And I am here to tell you that I am pretty sick of this sh**. Every year, it's the same crap: lights, cameras, action, and some top hatted buffoon practically sticks his hand up my ass like he's my f**king proctologist, and tells the world what I just predicted about the next six weeks or so of weather for the season.

But things are different now: with wifi, droid phones and the internet, Mr. Top-Hatted Proctologist can kiss my fat rodent ass.

I have come privy to the existence of the sum of $240 Million Euros through Niger Republic to Nabouring country Benin Republic where it was lodged in Escrow account along 230 Kilos of Gold. Doesn't matter where it came from. I know where it is now. And I want YOU to help ME get it. With that money, I can dispense with this annual proctology exam in public, and live the life of a leisurely online scamming ground hog.

So...can we work together over this project? You must, of course, keep everything to your self secret and highly confidential. After I have your gullible assurances to this end, I will give you the details. Also please note that this must be concluded within reasonable time frame therefore your prompt reply is essential.

THIS MUST BE KEPT HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL AND SECRET. I WILL NEED YOUR DIRECT CONTACT MOBILE AND TELEPHONE WHERE ORAL CONVERSATION CAN BE DONE. I NEED YOUR FULL NAME. I NEED YOUR ADDRESS. I NEED YOUR AGE AND OCCUPATION. AND I WILL NEED SEX WITH JENNIFER ANISTON.

Respond to me if you know you are ready to work with me. And in return, I'll tell you what's REALLY going to happen with the weather in your area, and other choice bits of celebrity dirt, like how Lindsay Lohan is really Charlie Sheen in drag, and how I and that fat slob Michael Moore are twins that resulted from sex between a ground hog and a Sonic cheeseburger.

Refuse to work with me, and I'll condemn you to six years of that ground hog-looking fat ass, Chris Matthews, on PMSNBC.

Depending on how you chose here, Blessings to You or Piss Up A Rope.
Punxsutawney Phil, masquerading as Mohamed Alshaikh Bahrainian

So far, none of the recipients of this email have take steps to avoid six years of Chris Matthews. Poor bastards...

* well okay, so it was Seymour, my pet rock what did the editing and such. And the comment about having sex with Jennifer Aniston was Seymour's idea....("was NOT!!!")