Wednesday, February 29, 2012

When They Don' Read What I Dun



How often do I get to publish a post on February 29, eh? How special is that?

For scammers what don't read what I dun to their original missive, there can be moments like h'yar.

Let's start with one such goofus, purported to be a James Pascal. See below:

MICROSOFT LOTTERY BOARD

2055 Watson Street

Belfeast, London,E13-0PF

United Kingdom

Telephone: +447035954076 +447011130733
Dear Lottery Winner ,

On behalf of the staffs, members and the entire board of Microsoft Lottery Worldwide; I, Mr. James Pascal the lottery claims manager, wish to congratulate you once again on the final approval of your won prize Cheque of £800,000 GBP. Your winning number has been verified. Your won prize is now been deposited with Totney Trust Bank Plc for the transfer of your won prize. You are to contact the Bank via email and follow the bank's instructions.


CONTACT OUR PAY OUT BANK FOR TRANSFER OF PRIZE:

===============================

TOTNEY TRUST BANK PLC

Philip Collins Ltd., Ground Floor

25 Ives Street

London SW3 2ND

United Kingdom



A typically badly-written scam online lottery email. And here is what I dun widdit, and returned to the original scammer, and 24 of his peers and colleagues:


From: MR. JAMES PASCAL mr.james_pascal@yahoo.com

Subject: CONTACT OUR BAKERY FOR TRANSFER OF PIES

To: Anyone what gets it

Date: Monday, February 20, 2012, 12:09 AM
MICROSOFT BAKERY BOARD
2055 Watson Street,
Belfeast, London, E13-0PF
United Kingdom
Telephone: +447035954076 +447011130733

Dear Twinkie Head,

On behalf of the staffs, members and the entire board of Microsoft Bakery Board, I, Mr. James Pascal of dubious antecedence and having no dick of my own, wish to congratulate you once again on the final approval of your receiving from us 800,000 pounds of cow pies. Your winning number has been verified..(trying not to choke on my own dick here). Your won pies is now been deposited with Totney Twot 'N Rot Bakery Shipping for the transfer of your won pies. You are to contact the bakery via email and follow the bakery's instructions.
CONTACT OUR BAKERY FOR TRANSFER OF PIES:

===============================
TOTNEY TWOT 'N ROT BAKERY SHIPPING

Philip Collins Ltd.
Ground Floor
25 Ives Street
London SW3 2ND
United Kingdom
Telephone: +447035967245, +447011120725
Email:
ttb-transfer@ttb-online.uk.tc
==========================
Congratulations! once again.
MR. JAMES PASCAL

dickless and pissed about it

It took less than a day, and I got not one, but two replies from the alleged bank/bakery, knowd beforehand as Totney Trust Bank PLC, and after editing knowd as Totney Twot 'N Rot Bakery Shipping.

Here is what they sent me first:

TOTNEY TRUST BANK PLC

Philip Collins Ltd., Ground Floor

25 Ives Street, London SW3 2ND

United Kingdom

Tel: +447035967245, +447011120725, +447011121254


DATE: 27-02-2012 (27, Feb, 2012)

FROM: Totney Trust Bank Plc

Dear Valued Customer,

We are in receipt of your email and your deposited won prize of £800,000 GBP is now ready to be transferred into your personal bank account and to implement the Micro Telegraphic Transfer for your deposited won prize, you need to fill out the below "Bank Transfer Form" and send it back to us. Without the below requirements, it is impossible for us to transfer your winning funds to you. Take note, all funds deposited must be transferred within 48hours of bank notice and if not transferred, will be return back to the lottery board. So, fill the below Transfer Form and send it back to us.


BANK TRANSFER FORM:

* Your Bank Name:............................

* Account Number:............................

* Names on Account:.........................

* Swift/ Routine No:...........................

* Home Address:...............................

* Nationality/Country:.........................

* Cellphone No:.................................

* Work/Home Phone No:...................

Hope you understood the contents of this message. In case you need any help/ assistance, don't hesitate to email or call us.


Regards,

Mr. Philip Anderson,

Manager, Totney Trust Bank Plc.


And a minute later, according to the email time stamp, they followed it widdis:
DATE: 27-02-2012 (27, Feb, 2012)

FROM: Totney Trust Bank Plc

Dear Valued Customer,


We are the asigned bank to transfer this funds into your personal bank account. We are mandated to help you transfer the funds by the lottery board and I believe that was the instruction you have been given? In your reply which is well understood perhaps they not explain it to you?

They told you to contact us because your winning funds was deposited here in our bank (Totney Trust Bank Plc.). We are given the instructions to carry the wire transfer for your deposited winning funds and you are to follow our instructions.

Hope you understood the contents of this message. In case you need any help/ assistance, don't hesitate to email or call us.


Regards,

Mr. Philip Anderson,

Manager, Totney Trust Bank Plc.


With an opening like this, I had two choices: (a) play with them or (b) rewrite their responses, and see if maybe the *TOING* would come to them this time.

As you'll see, I opted for (b):

DATE: 27-02-2012 (27, Feb, 2012)

FROM: Totney Twot 'N Rot Bakery Shipping

Dear Valued Customer,


We are in receipt of your email that we obviously didn't read, as you can tell by our canned, formed response, because we think you fell for our jackpot scam, instead of reading that you were acknowledging being prepared to receive 800,000 pounds of cow pies.
Bear with us, because we here on this end are stupid this way. What we were hoping you'd do next is fill out a faux bank transfer form; but we see that it's been corrupted in some manure, and now it reads "Bakery Pie Transfer Form". Regardless, fill it out and send it back to us. Not that we'll read it, any more than we read the first one. Because we here on this end are stupid this way. Take note, all pies deposited must be transferred within 48 hours of bakery notice and if not transferred, will be return back to the pasture from whenst they wuz collected. So, fill the below Bakery Pie Transfer Form and send it back to us (which I didn't alter..*yawn*).
Hope you understood the contents of this message better than we did. Because we here on this end are stupid this way. In case you need any help/ assistance, don't hesitate to email or call us, and we'll try to find one person, somewhere, who has an IQ approximately equal to that of a tree stump.


Regards,

Mr. Philip Anderson,

Manager, Totney Twot 'N Rot Bakery Shipping
"Shipping Sh** Is What We Do"


And then came the follow up rewrite:
Tuesday, February 28, 2012 12:39 AM
From: Totney Twot 'N Rot Bakery Shipping
ttb-transfer@ttb-online.uk.tc

To:

Sent: Monday, February 27, 2012 4:30 PM

Subject: UNDERSTANDAGE
TOTNEY TWOT 'N ROT BAKERY SHIPPING

Philip Collins Ltd.

Ground Floor

25 Ives Street, London SW3 2ND

United Kingdom

Tel: +447035967245, +447011120725, +447011121254


Dear Valued Customer,


We are the asigned persons of dubious antecedence and speciological obfuscation that is asign to scam you in this rather mundane and stupid way of ours. We are mandated to help you, even as we do not know the meaning of the word 'mandated', which we are thinking is suggestive of being gay. Are we gay? We don't know if we are or not. Is being gay being happy, or is being gay being attracted to our own sex? We are kind of stupid in these things, but we digress.
We believe that there was an instruction or more that you have been given? They told you to contact us because your pies was deposited here in our bakery (Totney Twot 'N Rot Bakery Shipping). We are given the instructions by our handlers to guide you onto a path of delivering to us funds that we will make the most illicit use of.
What does "illicit" mean, please? We are kind of stupid
in these things, but we digress some more.
You are to follow our instructions once we manage to come up with some. Hope you understood the contents of this message. In case you did, could you write back to us and explain what it is we are supposed to be doing here, and how we can do it? Remember we did say that we needed to find a person with an IQ equal to a tree stump. We're still looking for one.
If you know what any of this means, don't hesitate to email or call us and explain it to us. We are kind of stupid in these things, as now you can see.


Regards,

Mr. Philip Anderson,

Manager, Totney Twot 'N Rot Bakery Shipping
PS: oh f**k...we just found out that we're supposed to be scamming you as a BANK, not a BAKERY. Are we f**king bad stupid or what? But we are kind of stupid in these things.


Whoever is representing themselves as the "bank" -- or one of their aggrieved handlers -- finally got around to reading some part of this rewritten critter; I got back a rather tart reply from the 'bank', the essence of which was:

you r an asshole f*k off

In view of the Academy Awards what just occurred, I accepted my award with grace and style:

Yes, that is true. I thank you and your peers for this award, and I must also thank all of your thousands of peers and colleagues who made this award possible. I could have done it without you, but it wouldn't have been as funny.

The lack of email *applause* that followed was undeafening.

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2 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

They may not be able to write very well, but they cuss quite nicely. Bwahahahahaha.

Have a terrific day. :)

29 February, 2012 12:11  
Blogger Moogie P said...

Oh, I so want to play with the scammers now!

04 March, 2012 11:25  

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