Sunday, August 31, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Tornado Chasing For Non-Dummies
Monday, August 25, 2008
Dear Skunky -- XVI
Some of these scammers work really hard at these scams. The planning. The scripting. The execution of them (which I'm favorably disposed to, even if the World Court ain't). The time spent in collecting email addresses, and the money possibly spent in buying email lists and at their respective 'Internet Cafes', even if that 'cafe' is a tent in the middle of the Serengeti, or in some dried out water buffalo wallow.
They put a lot of themselves into this stuff. Perhaps they even pay a price, when they fail to produce, if they're part of an organized crime ring, as some are. Just like in the old Soviet Union, where the price of failure meant the gulag or Lefortovo Prison, and a sudden case of lead poisoning at a few hundred feet per second.
And here I am, peeing in their...uh...whatever it is they knaw on that passes for Wheaties.
Take this example for which I should be ashamed: a hard-working, industrious lad by the name of Mani Bako, claiming to be secretary to the Senior Credit Officer of the Bank of Africa in Burkina Faso (firstname.lastname@example.org). Here he is, generously offering me the business for a total sum of $20.5 million US dollars, of which I am in for 30% (of nothing), if I'll help him (help himself to my wallet).
Of course, I need to respect the need for secrecy here: he works for the bank where the funds are, and -- according to him -- the bank can't know what he is up to. It could cost him his job. Then he'd have to illegally emigrate to America, so he can get on the welfare and other public assistance doles, and become a "registered" Democrat.
We wouldn't want him to have to stoop that low now, would we? Well, maybe YOU wouldn't, because YOU wouldn't be mean-spirited to him (though you might want the vote). But I'm not you. Nor is me as U. R. Phulovit.
No, YOU wouldn't lead this poor soul on, letting him think his scam was working; but U. R. would. And did, for 12 consecutive email exchanges. I'm sure his wife had already picked out that special case of Spam at the fly-infested market in downtown Ougabougabunga, or whatever that town is called, that she'd pick up, once the scam was consummated. And all it would have cost me to fulfill Mani Bako's dream was a measly $2750 US dollars, payable to his accomplices in Burkina Faso, via Western Union.
If I had any milk of human kindness, I would have coughed up, as Sally Struthers or Walter Coppage often urge on late night TV. But since I save all my milk for cookies, I have none left over for human kindness.
So after 12 exchanges that have built up Mani Bako's hopes, and probably made him a near folk hero with his brethren in the fly-infested tent Internet cafe, U. R. Phulovit starts to play the role of a Karl Rove-type, with this reply:
Mani, ol' bean:
I think I may have laid a really gnarly elevator-emptier in this business of yours. That, I say that's a fart, son. I inadvertently slipped with your name to the bank. Just do like John Edwards, and deny everything, unless the National Enquirer gets hold of it, then you're so screwed.
This elicits an annoyed response from the hard-working Bako:
Phulovit, you must stay to secret with me. do not belay me with the bank or my security is periled you understand. i will deny everything if i am asked of this. plese be more carful.
So I send this note to his bank, to make things all better:
Bank of Africa
Senior Credit Officer Manu Abba (email@example.com)
Regarding my last email to you, please disregard my reference to Mani Bako, your secretary and covert gay lover at office parties. He says he knows nothing about the business of this transaction he introduced me to; he only asked me to be a next of kin here, but not have to play one on TV. So just forget I brought that up, unless of course you were looking to fire him for doinking spider monkeys on the side, in an effort to pervert the species.
After that email, U. R. would never again here from 'the bank'; but did he ever hear from Bako:
WHAT ARE YOU SAY ABOUT ME TO BANK??? YOU ARE SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE!!! YOU MUST DO AS I ORIGINAL INSTRUCT YOU TO PAY FEES AND STOP THIS STRANGE STUFF!!!
Okay, I'll stop that strange stuff. And do something else strange:
I have no idea what it is you find strange stuff here. By the way, did someone sprinkle that penile enlargement powder on your keyboard? You're all in caps....you're supposed to take the stuff orally, and make your wife howl at the moon. But, I guess different cultures have different notions.
Anyway, I'm sending the money to the bank. I'm having an untrained black mamba deliver it. Do you think that will be okay?
Mani is apparently a trusting soul, albeit a very confused one about now:
I don,t understod your mail to me . Just send money to bank for the transfer as orranged like i told you okay? i am anxous about this to be done!
Now there I go, making him 'anxous'. Dang me. Let's do it some more:
You're probably right; how was an untrained black mamba going to deliver money, with no hands? Silly me. How's about I send it Western Onion? A singing one, no less: they can sing the name of the recipient -- I think you said it went to John Oboe, or some other reedy instrument -- and melodically ask the text question, "who hit Annie in the fanny with a flounder?". John need only answer "it sho wuzn't SpongeBob Squarepants!", and they'll hand over the money, and tap dance right outta the bank. It'll be so kewl. Whaddaya think?
Mani is apparently not much for karaoke bars, either:
Phulovit, what is this pleese? you are write to me stuff i can,t understood to me here.it is only needed for you to send money WEstern Union as we arange first and soonest plese. this take too long and put me in jeopardy at bank!
"put me in jeopardy at bank"? Kewl:
Get outta town!!! Really?? You're gonna be on Jeopardy? Well, poop on my biscuits and call it crapcake, you must let me know when you'll be on, so I can make a DVD of it. I'll actually be able to say I knowd someone who was on Jeopardy! That's so kewl. But back to business...quit being a spoil sport about the singing Onion telegram. I think it's a helluva way to send money. Western Union's so boring. You just make sure that John Clarinette, or flute, or whatever the frack his name is, knows the right response to the text question, or the singing telegrapher will just tap dance right out of there, without delivering the money, but will bill you for the travel and all. I did mention that, right? If not, consider this an improv *Disclaimer*, with other restrictions, voids and prohibitions made up to make it sound legalese.
Now that I have probably thoroughly humiliated Mani Bako with his scamming peers, and put him in the meerkat house, far as his wife is concerned, I get this last, pained email from him:
i don,t tust you no any more.you make jest of me and insut me.stop write me no anymoor!
See how ashamed I should be of myself? Eh:
But this was just getting fun. Now that I'm on a croissant, you want me to stop? What about your $20.5 million? You'll never get your wife that brand new Yugo two door without it! And I didn't make jest of you; I just used what you gave me to work with. But if you want, I could send you the hat to make the outfit work -- it has little bells on it that tinkle, not like someone who's had too much jungle juice -- if you tell me where to send it. Whaddaya say, Bako?
Alas, he says nothing more. I hurt his feelings, and ruined all his hard scam work.
I should really be ashamed of myself. Really.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Dear Skunky -- XV
Dear Skunky mighta hit a new low in mean-spiritedness with an email scammer. I'll probably be among the first sent to re-education camp when the Libs (hope to) take charge next January.
It started with one of those emails from a Yvonne Amoeba (or whatever), telling me I had an "$800,000 consignment cheque" pending, somewhere, and I had to make contact with one of her cronies in order to receive it. What it was for, and why it was for, was never made clear, but what the hey, we stupid, ignorant Americans aren't much for asking such pithy questions, when offered free money.
At least, according to the scammers.
Anyway, I was directed to contact a Melt Jackson (firstname.lastname@example.org), to make arrangements. So Dear Skunky did. In the guise of "Pastor Gas", Rev. Robert Tilton.
Now, in my initial reply -- sent to both Yvonne and Melt -- I didn't know for absolute certain just what gender "Melt" was, so I started the email reply off with a "Dear Ma'am", since I knowd that Yvonne was one. Melt's reply was quick to set me straight:
first off, it's Mister. i am MR. Melt Jackson, MRS Yvonne Ademola informed me to guild you to receiving your consigment it your money of $800,000 (bank Draft) kept for you by her husband with Mr. Justin Yayi who's the Driector Bank of Africa. She noticed that the draft would soon expire so she had it crashed out to avoid high dumorage raised against you for still keeping the fund in bank.
time is not on our side and I wait your swife respond to make posessed of check by august 5.
I so liked the emphasis he put on his title, I reckon let's keep a good thing going here:
First off, it's Reverend. Thank you for the illegible expiation, and I will assure Madam that the best possible use will be made of the check saved from dumberage. Send it right along (I then included the address info I'm using for the good Pastor Gas, in Florida), and I shall see that it goes to those members of my flock most deserving of tithing.
Melt will continue to have issues with the Reverend and his salutations:
It is SIR, not MAAM, I am male please make clear. i believe your aware MRS Yvonne has paid for your delivering change and insuance preioum (nawp...I wasn't). What left is "security keeping fee" of $210 i still await your home address (you silly , illiterate twit) and ffull name that would be register with congigment. you have to make payment to informations bellow:
Text Question: what day?
Text Answer: ???????
once fee is pay we would have your package process and delivered to you immediately and you get tracking number to package. you hsould have package at your door steep in 2-3 day.
Being lazy, I just took one of my other fauxWestern Union receipts used previously, fuzzied it up, and sent it to Madam Melt, with the following:
I have sent the Western Union transfer you asked for. I have attached the receipt for your edification. Praise He who helps others! Yowza!
The salutation continues to prove a point of contention:
I am a SIR please! i receeve your email, but i cannot read the recept you send for me. Please have the MTCN number AMOUNT and the TEXT QUESTION AND ANSWER send to me beacuse i am not to read the recept you send.
I am such a stinker; even moreso with this reply:
I apologize for my scanner. Since you are unable to read it, it is apparently serving me poorly. So I will happily inform you of the information you request, though you know it all from your earlier instructions:
Name of recipient: Jaul Pames
Text Question: What Gay?
Text Answer: Homer the Hamster
I will look forward to receiving my check.
I'm not sure if Melt is more concerned with the payment or my continued salutations:
i explan I am male not a maam! i am Melt, not Yvonne! Please to get right!
i am not understand you. there not money to the MTCN you give me. Please to check connection and get me back soonest.
Dear Skunky is ever so eager to displease:
WHAT??? Check the payment again. I sent it myself, in exact accordance with your wishes.
Melt is getting most annoyed now:
i am NOT MADAM!!!! and there are no mony on the MTCN..you call Western Union to confirm it..hope you aint playing games with me.Call western Union and confirm what goes on the person I say to send to is Paul James and the text question you used is wrong, i said what day not what GAY???
I decide to be nice, but change my mind a second later, and keep the annoyance going:
I did check with Western Union, and they not only insist that the money was properly sent, the showed me the electronic evidence that is has been collected, by a Jaul Sames. Isn't that your man? And I read most carefully your text question, and it did say "what gay?". It's the answer to the text question that's important here, and you have it.
Now go check with your assistant and get back to me.
My change of mind on being nice apparently succeeded in sofar as my objectives go:
for last time i am NOT MAAM!!!! i dont believe any word you say, the MTCN you gave me is never correct and i did not say to use gay only if you blind..you will stop disrespect me now you understand! you not know who you deal with! stop at once this disrespect!
Yeah, I should really stop the disrespect. But Dear Skunky doesn't:
I don't know what you're getting your panties in a bunch over. I don't care if you're gay and sodomize hamsters. What is important is that you have the money to send my check, and you do have it, for the information I have sent you is authenticated by my Western Union. If yours is woefully inept, I cannot help that. I will pray for your inept Western Union, and your sodomizing of hamsters with my congregation this Sunday. Meantime, take the receipt I sent you and the information I sent you and make your Western Union do the right thing.
Sir/Ma'am Melt Jackson -- now apparently quite unstrung -- sends me this paragraph of jibberish; I gather he apparently thinks that I am an undercover FBI agent working online scams:
dont do this to your fellow FBI cos it sucks...am an agent too...just try to get rid of this email. so go f*** yourself...not even you can keep us from this work...try as much as you can FBI...lol...make money...losers f***ing Americans. am passing this out to every scammer to watch and be careful...hmmm u got Prof Charles Soludo...d
MR. Agent Melt Jackson
Did any of you understand this? Me too. So if Melt can send jibberish, so can Dear Skunky:
So, you're FBI too? Get outta town! Really? Wow. My boss is gonna get such a hoot out of this: I got contacted by a gay FBI guy who sodomizes hamsters in Nigeria, and is working the same case I am! He ain't never gonna believe it! It reminds me of a song we used to bellow from the recruit barracks at Quantico during a forbidden hootch party during basic:
*sung to tune of Streets of Laredo*
"I see, by your outfit, that you, are an agent"
"I see, by your outfit, you are an agent, too..."
"We see, by our outfits, that we are both agents.."
"If you get an outfit, you can be an agent, too!"
That generates a spasm from Melt:
stupid f***ing American, i am NOT A MAAM!!!!
Dear Skunky sent back this:
Do gay FBI agents in Nigeria bother checking the gender of the hamsters you sodomize? It occurred to my boss that if you sodomize a female hamster, it de-gays you. What's your take on it?
Sadly, we'll apparently never get an answer to that one, or to anything else from Ma'am Melt Jackson. Bad Skunk. Baaaaaaaaaaaaad Skunk.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Daliverunce Part VI
Mary full-of-Grace-n-other-thangs just couldn't let it go at having been made to look like the fool she thought I wuz:
WELL,I DO NOT HAVE MUCH TO SAY THAN TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I AM NOT A LAIR,I NEVER LIE TO YOU ALL THE DOCUMENT SENT TO YOU ARE NOT FAKE.
I AM A CHRISTIAN,I ASKED FOR HEOP, BUT IF YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT READY TO HELP ME,TELL ME SO I CAN LOOK FOR ANOTHER PERSON INSTED OF MAKING JEST OF ME AND MADE ME A LAUGHING MATTER IN THE BANK.
True to the scam to the end.
Dr. Waldorf's thought-to-be last hoooraah:
Hawhawhawhaw! Ma'am, yore shore full 'o that stuff we all shovel up ahind th' horse durin' purades. Hawhawhawhaw!
Yall ain't lyin', eh? Wahl, ah dun posted that thar dokument yall sent me on a Innernet website callt 419eaters.com, an' guess wha? Them fellers -- xpurts on crimnals, mugus an' othur lower-than-snake-spit persons of dubious antecedence an' worse body odor -- sez yore dokument is a flea markit kind. But ah gived it to 'em ta post, along wif yore pikture, yore name, email, an' yore lyin' cheatin' scam letter, so's more folks aroun' the world will know bout yall and what yall is tryin' ta pull. They also forwided yore scam stuff to their contacts at INTERPOL an' the Nigerian Embassy.
This awta git ta be sum fun, yall. Hope yall like prizun strips an' late nahts wif Bubba. Hawhawhawhaw!
Been fun makin' ya look like the mugu galoot yall wuz tryin' ta play me fer.
And that would be that, right? Wrong.
True to her word, Mary full-of-Grace-n-other-thangs did go lookin' for another person to hep her out in her time of needing to find a sucker to sucker. So she sent out the exact same start up letter (see Part I). To my blog site email address.
Took me five minutes to resume a typing position, when I saw it.
Granted, perhaps I should have -- under my new guise -- taken up where Dr. Waldorf Billybob Snarf did, at Part I, and replayed the whole thing again.
But it was time to move on to new endeavors, and new scam artists. So my written-to guise (currently baiting yet another scamster) did what has proven to be an effective, one-time response:
Greetings, you blithering bimbo!
Grace/Mary Kobe, lyin' cheatin' wench of dubious antecedence and poor communication skills, I know you! I just read all about you on a website, courtesy of one Dr. Waldorf Billybob Snarf! He's got your picture and your piss-poorly written scam letter posted, along with his hilarious (and barely readable) replies. And the best part -- God, I'm laughing hard enough to crap ostrich eggs -- was when he suckered you and your lawyer to try and cash a fake WU receipt! ROFLMAOPOE! What an absolutely stupid criminal mugu you are!
And now, of all the folks in the world you would write to, you write to ME, after I just read all about you and your criminal stupidity? It's hard for me not to be amused at your trying to pull my leg as vigorously as you tried pulling Snarf's, but in my case, the irony is even more amusement-erective! I have to hand it to you; it's a stroke of oxymoronic genius!
Thanks for the great laugh, you dithering doltish wench!
Jack N. Ewehoff
Hard to believe as it may be, Mary Full-of-grace-n-other-stuff Kobe didn't bother replying to that. Guess that's what I get for writing non-redneck legibly, eh?
Monday, August 11, 2008
Daliverunce Part 5 Fangers
I am truly blessed to be the recipient of both in one right fine weekend, shore nuff.
Of course, as we go back over the previous correspondence from Mary full-of-Grace-n-other-stuff Kobe, we find that (a) she claimed to have three kids, 9, 6 and 4 (b) her spouse was a West African Brigadier General and (c) that he was kilt in a 'civil disturbance (war)'.
As for the certificate...
Not bad, for a cheap flea market knock-off.
At any rate, I didn't bother replying to Mrs. Kobe
after receiving these wonderfool photos and documents; me thinks a considerable change in tone and 'tude is coming, after she returns from visiting her Western Union galoots, brandishing a worthless WU receipt.
The weekend of blessings will be over.
ITIS SO DISHERTNING FOR YOU TO SEND ME A FAKE PAYMENT RECEPT, I WENT TO WESTERN UNION OFFICE WITH THE LAWYER, JUST TO DISOVER THAT NO TRANSACTION EXISTED. I WAS DIGRACED AT THE BANK THAT I CAME TO CLAIM PEOPLES MONEY, THEY WERE CALLING A FHEIR EVEN THE LAWYER WAS FILLED WITH SHAME FOR BRINGHING HIM TO BANK TO DISGRACE HIM.
(for the rest, imagine the monster-soothing theme from Young Frankenstein, playing in the background during this hyar note...)
YOU SEE MY DEAR WHY DID DO THIS TO ME, MAKING JEST OF ME IN THE PUBLIC.I HAVE NEVER STOLEN BEFORE, I AM A WIDOW SHASING THE MONEY MY LATE HUSBAND DEPOSITIED BEFORE HIS DEATH.
I NEVER EXPECTED THIS FROM YOU, I AM CONFUSED AT MOMENT, WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME, IT IS UNFAIR, IF YOU HAVE NOT GOTTEN THE MONEY, YOU OUGHT HAVE TOLD ME THAT SENDING A FAKE PAYMENT RECEIPT TO ME.
I AM DISSAPOINED IN YOU.
Now all together.......awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Especially after you read the mean-spirited reply from Dr. Waldorf:
Ma'am: heck, ah know ah shold awta feel plum bad 'bout this hyar. But ah caint. See hyar: yall knowd you wuz jest funnin' me with this hyar storee. Yall ain't got no keys, an' no treasure hidin' out from them revenooers. Yore spouse ain't no late brigandeer genrul; yore famdamily pikture wuz also a fake.
But yore right, Ma'am: ah shold be sawry bout makin yall look stoopid. So ah do: ah'm plum sawry yall look so stoopid, ain't honest, an' yall spend yore days tryin ta sucker folks like me. As fer making yore lieyar look stoopid...*HUGE GUFFAW*...geeawd, ah live fer thangs like that. Ah hate lieyars. 'Specially goat smellin', egg suckin' dishonest ones like th' one yall got thar. Does mah hert good ta hear yall looked stoopid at Western Union an' the bank.
That, "my dear", wuz the ideer.
Guess ah won' be spectin' yore diplomat wif them thar keys now...too bad. Ah kinda hoped them keys wood fit in the startur of mah '47 Fawhd truck. Guess ah'll keep usin' th' balin' wihr thang ah use fer it.
Yall have a right fine day now, an' writ back, yhear?
She does ;-)
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Daliverunce Part Fore
In the biz of internet scams, one persons' succor usually comes at the cost of another person being played as the sucker.
It's all the more amusing, when the intended suckerer, about to become the sucker, doesn't yet realize it.
It's the weekend in most places, save for those places where it isn't. It apparently is in Nigeria/Benin; the Western Union office don't open apparently until Monday, February 6.
Which tends to explain the following email from Mary full-of-Grace-n-other-stuff Kobe:
Dear Dr. Waldorf: TIS IS TO ACKNWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF YOUR MAIN AND THE PAYMENT RECEIPT.I AM THANKING YOU SO MUCH AND PRAYTHAT GOD IN HIS INFINIT MERCY WILL CONTINUE TO GUIDE AND PROTEC YOU, BLESS AND MULTIPLY YOUR NEEDS, REPLINISH YOUR POCKETS IN HUNDREDFOLDS.
I WILL BE AT FEDEX OFFICE MONDAY TO DESPATCH THE KEYS.
A BLESSED WEEKEND,
GRACE M. KOBE
In the words of Bugs Bunny, "ain't I a stinker?" Danged straight ah is:
Ma'am: ah'm pickled tink that yall is thrilled wif that wich yall deserved ta git. Ah kin jest imagin th' joy in yore pea-pickin' hart, havin' in yore han that wich yall think ya dun gon and git me wif. Twas my pleashure ta hep ya think so.
Ah'll be lookin' fer them thar keys, Ma'am. An yer laudromat feller, shore nuff.
Yall write back now, yhear?
Shore nuff...she did, too: to send me an "authentic" certificate of deposit for the consignment, as well as a famdamily photo of her, her two kids (weren't there 3?) and her hubby (her late Brig. General hubby?). I'll post them in Part Five, along with what I suspect is coming when she gits back from the Westren Union place over yonder...
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Daliverunce Part ..uh.. Thwee
I tip my hat that I never wear to whoever is playing the role of Mary/full of Grace (and other stuff) Kobe; she (?!) not only reads the replies of Dr. Waldorf Billybob Snarf, but seems to grasp enough of their fauxmeaning to reply with instructions to further the scam.
After two exchanges, she's back with specifics on how she plans to give the countree docter th' biscuits:
Dear Dr. Waldorf: I HAVE BEING TO THE FEDEX OFFICE TODAY TO AKE ENQUIRIES ON WHAT IT WILL TAKE TO DESPATCH THE KEYS TO YOUR GIVEN ADDRESS BFORE THE DIPLOMAT DEPARTS FOR YOUR LOCATION BECAUSE THE ARRANGEMENT WITH THE DIPLOMAT IS THAT ALL FREIGHT DELIVER AND OTHER EXPENSES WILL BE PAID TO THE DIPLOMAT ON ARRIVAL AT YOUR LOCATION. FOR YOU TO BE ABLE TO TAKE MONEY FROM THE CONSIGNMENT TO PAY OFF THE DILOMAT, IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU HAVE THE KEYS TO THE CONSIGNMENT.
I ALSO MENTION IN ONE OF MY MAILS THAT I AM PRESENTLY IN A REFUGEE CAMP AS A POLITICAL ASYLUM SEEKER AND ALL GET MONETARILY IS US$15.00 THAT IS THE DAILY MONEY I RECEIVE. AS FEEDING ALLOWANCE FOR ME AND MY FAMILY SO IT IS ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO COME UP WITH THE MONEY. I WANT BEG OF YOU IN NAME OF GOD TO PLEASE ASSIST ME WITH THE SUM OF US$250.00 THAT THE FEDEX IS AKSING FOR TO DESPATCH THE KEYS TO YOUR ADDRESS.
YOU CAN SEND THE MONEY THROUGH WESTERN UNION TO THIS NAME:
COTONOU - REPUBLIC OF BENIN
TEXT QUESTION: WHAT FOR
TEXT ANSWER: KEYS
IMMEDIATELY I RECEIVE THE MONEY, I SHALL DESPATCH THE KEYS THROUGH FEDEX AND SEND YOU THE AIRWAY BILL SO THAT YOU CAN TRACK AND ASERTAIN THE DATE THE KEYS WILL BE DELIVER TO YOU. WHEN CONSIGNMENT ARRIVE WITH DIPLOMAT IN YOUR COUNTRY, YOU NEED SEND MONEY TO ME SO I CAN USE IT TO ARRANGEMENT FOR MY TRAVELLING DOCUMENTS WITH MY FAMILY AND YOU ARE TO ADVISE ME ON WHAT TO INVEST THE FUNDS IN FOR PROFIT IN YOUR COUNTRY.
I COMMISSION YOU TO RECEIVE 25% OF FUND FOR YOUR HELP OF ME.
PLEASE SOON TO SEND MONEY FOR FEDEX.
GRACE M. KOBE (Ah, now we know the Grace/Mary gig).
Only $250? Lawhrd a mightee, this hyar's a cheep 'un, shore nuff. Long as ah'm on one of them thar frenchie bread thangs, guess ah'll git to th' rat killin' hyar:
Ma'am: ah'm right appalled at yall's siteation! Geeawd, woman, how'd yall git in sech a mess? Oh well...don' matta th' whyfer. My mama, bless her hart and heavy switch she useda whup mah ass wif, she always sed me ta give back to them what's in need.
Yall fit Mama's ideer of givin it to hyar. So ah'm doin' it.
My local WU place gots some kinda weird fangled problum, some thang they sez is "tellycommunecashun isshoes"; so ah gots ta drive ta Clodumbia (bout an hour away) to WU the money. An' ah ain't sendin' yall what ye asked fer; ah'll double it, cuz yall needs it.
Mama would be pleesed ah'm so willin' to hep you hep yosef to mah money. Ah'll git yall the receet thang quik as ah kin. As fer investmint ideers? Ah gots all kinds o' them. Whoooweee, ah gots loads a good ideers!
Having already made this one last two parts more than I would have thunk possumbull, it's gonna git streeertched out a fur piece more, in Part Fore: The Happy Receipt And Deceit...But Me Thinks Not Fer LAWNG...
Friday, August 8, 2008
Daliverunce Part Too
Life is full of surprises. After reading my reply to scamstress Grace Kobe, you would have figured -- as did I -- that I'd heard the last of her.
Yall ain't gonna believe this hyar: she replied.
Color me amazed:
DEAR DR. WALDORF:
THE CONSIGNMENT THAT MY HUSBAND DEPOSIT IN THE SECURITY COMPANY CONTAIN $15.MILLION US. FIRST I WILL LIKE TO STATE THE CONSIGNMENT WILL BE DELIVER TO YOU WHEREVER YOU CHOOSE. PRESENTLY THE CONSIGNMENT IS IN COTONOU, REPUBLIC OF BENIN IN WEST AFRICA (OF..er..of course) I HAVE MADE ARRANGEMENT WITH DIPLOMAT TO BRING THE CONSIGNMENT THROUGH DIPLOMAT MEANS TO YOUR DOORSTEP.
ONCE ALL NECESSARY DIPLOMAT ARRANGEMENTS ARE FINALISED, THE DIPLOMAT WHO WILL BE DELIVERING TO YOU WILL DEPART FOR THE SECURITY COMPANY IN COTONOU TO PUT UP CLAIM FOR THE CONSIGNMENT CONTAINING THE MONEY WITH A LETTER OF AUTHORITY AND ALL NECESSARY CLAIM FORMS FROM ME. ONCE HE HAS CLAIMED CONSIGNMENT HE WILL DEPART FOR ADDRESS GIVEN BY YOU.
BUT THE FIRST THING TO DO NOW IS TO SEND THE KEYS TO THE CONSIGNMENT TO YOU BEFORE THE DIPLOMAT DEPART TO YOUR COUNTRY, BECAUSE THE KEYS TO THE CONSIGNEMTN HAS TO BE WITH YOU SO THAT YOU CAN ENABLE TO OPEN THE CONSIGNMENT WHEN THE DIPLOMAT ARRIVES YOU HOUSE TO FOFORIM THE CONTENT AND TO COUNT IF THE MONEY IS COMPLETE $15.MILLION US, BECAUSE MY AGREEMENT WITH HIM IS TO PAY ALL SHIPMENT, COURIER AND DELIVERY CHARGES ON ARRIVAL AT THE POINT OF DELIVERY. FOR ALL THIS YOU NEED KEYS I HAVE.
TO THIS EFFECT I WILL NEED YOU SEND ME A COMPLETE ADDRESS OF WHERE YOU INTEND TO RECIEVE THE PACKAGE CONTAINING THE KEYS FROM FEDEX WHICH WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR COURIERING THE PACKAGE TO YOU. I WILL ATTACHED THE COPY OF THE CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSIT THT WAS ISSUED WHEN THE CONSIGNMENT WAS DEPOSITED BY MY HUSBAND IN COTONOU, AND I WILL ATTACH THE COPY OF THE DIPLOMAT'S ID CARD LATER, THAT WILL ENABLE YOU IDENTIFY THE DIPLOMAT ON ARRIVAL.
MY CHILDRUN ARE NINE AND SIX AND FOUR YEARS OF AGE. WE COUNT ON YOUR HONESTY AND HELP, WALDORF. I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT THIS IS NOT DRUG MONEY SO DO NOT HAVE ANY FEAR. I AWAIT YOUR MOST URGENT RESPONSE.
MARY KOBE (er...wasn't it Grace the first time? Eh...hail Mary, full of Grace, or vice-versa, or they're both full of it..whatever. Also note that her all-caps writing is much improved here, over the second half of her first missive).
About half the time, scammers post their letters in upper case, as if it adds importance, legitimacy, and/or emphasis to their bullschtick. The rest of the time -- when the bullschtick is recognized -- it's to convey anger (aka, Mary Walker and her bannister).
But the notion that she genuinely read and understood my reply, still astonishes me.
Can it really work again? Lessee:
Ma'am: ah'm plum gratifried yall wanna do this hyar to me th way yall wanna do it. Jest so's thar's no cornfushun, ah'm in agreemint with yore proposul ta give me this hyar bizness. Ah'd normally say ah wuz game, but iffen yall wuz from Texus, ah'd be afeard yall would open fahr.
Anyhoo, iffen yall needs ta send me them thar keys, git er done. Send 'em hyar:
Dr. Waldorf Billybob Snarf
11995 Erectile Dysfunction Road, Box 69
Viagra Falls, SC
Ah'll let yall know when ah git 'em. An' thank ye kindly fer lettin' me know that thar money ain't drug money; ah'm a Gawd-feerin', upright Christun, tho' ah do snatch a nip of hootch now an agin. Make it mahsef. Gooooood. Yall git back ta me now, yhear?
She does too, in..uh..Part..oh horsefeathers, what's that numbr..uh..Twee.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Daliverunce Part I
*Blogger's Note: this is another one from the 2006 scammer archives...this is one you have to read...slowly...to believe it lasted six parts*
Just when I think I've heard from the dumbest of the dumb in 419ers, and can't possibly find a dumber one to play...along comes one to lower the bar even further.
Throughout the entirety of this thread, the opening strains of Duelling Banjos from Deliverance, or the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies, is faintly playing in the background. It has to be.
Occasionally, I get a little too flippant (aka, smart ass) with my initial reply to a scamster/ette, and lose 'em in translation straight away, especially when one starts out with a form scam letter that's relatively well-written, as this one began. I really expected that in this case. When you read my reply -- er, that of my guise in this case -- you'll be wonderin' how I ever expected a reply, too.
Witness the form letter start by the latest, one Grace Kobe, and note that, as she goes on, the quality of the grammar starts to ever so slightly plummet, sorta like a two ton boulder down a mountainside:
ATTN: Dearly Beloved,
this communication to you is strictly confidential, with due respect. Sorry at this perceived confusion or stress you may have receiving this letter from me, Since we have not known ourselves or met previously. Despite that, I am constrained to write you this letter because of the urgency of it.By way of self introduction, I am Mrs. Grace Kobe, the wife of late Brigadier Gen. Maxwell Kobe former ECOMOG ARMY COMMANDER (West African peacekeeping force in Sierra Leone) who died in the Sierra Leone civil disturbance (war).
My three daughters and I are trapped in obnoxious custom and traditional norms. We have suffered maltreatement and untold hardship in the hands of my late husband's family, simply beacuse I did not bear a male child for my late husband.
By tradition, all tha tmy late husband had! belongs to his brothers/family. And myself is to be remarried by his immediate younger brother which I vehemently refused.
They have taken all that I suffered with my husband to acquire including treasures, house and his bank particular seized by them. I wanted to escape to the USA with my children on exile, but again they conspire and stole my passport and other travel documents to further frustrate me.
Thank God, two weeks ago I received Key Text Code from a security & finance company abroad, that my late husband maintains a safty deposit box of high value (notice the abrupt fall off of grammar here; she musta had to improv this part) with this compnay and i am the next o fkin so therefore i should make necessayr arrangements to come fo the clam of the box. It has therefour become very nessetary and urgen to contact someone a foreigner liek you to help me receive and succor this consignment while we i and my children find a way of getting out to meet you in your county.
You would need give me suffiunt assurance that if you help me, you would not divet its contents which i will reveel to you as this is an iformaton known only to me and no else. My children and i have resolved to give you a cretin percent of your honest assitance to us and i shall open up to you as i have to be careful for this is the only way i and my children can have better life.
Please!, I have reposed my confident in you and hope you will not disapoint me. i look forwerd to your urgent response including your private phone and also your fax for easier communicate.
Express to help me and i will convey you the secret codes for the box safty kept with me.
Pleased to hurry,
Mrs. Grace Kobe
Hurry I will. Since it's been awhile since I used this particular guise -- he tends to drive readers crazy, and even leaves me occasionally wondering what the hell he just said -- I expected that this one reply would be the beginning and the end. Thus, the reply from Hizzoner, Dr. Waldorf Billybob Snarf, more redneck than most rednecks:
Ma'am: dadgummed iffen yore emale thang diddunt jest make me git all emoshunal an stuff. That's shore one "life sucks" storee iffen ever ah ever heered one, shore 'nuff. So much so, ah'm tellin yall what: iffen ah kin hep ya, ah'll shorely try.
Ah ain't got no phone, Ma'am: ah'm heerin' impared, so phones ain't mah thang. but yall kin reech me hyar, on this emale thang ya dun fownd me on. Jest tell me whatchall wanna give me this hyar bizness fer, an' shore as mah dawg's got flees, ah'll see what ah kin do fer ye.
Yall got mah word as a sothern gent on that thar. Ah'll be waitin' to hyar what yall needs fer me ta do.
Dr. Waldorf Billybob Snarf, Sothern Entremanure
That there's a Part II at all is just plum amazin'...but thar is...
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Some anniversaries' angsters.
In the late spring/early summer of 1945, it would be a little while before the rest of the world learned what the US had wrought at the Tennessee Skunkworks, and in the deserts of New Mexico.
On August 6, 1945, the world -- the Japanese in particular -- learned the truth: humanity had entered the Atomic Age. It was re-emphasized three days later. A week later, the Japanese capitulated, and the costliest war in Earth's human history came to an end.
All wars since, have been fought in the shadow of The Bomb.
World and American Leftists love to bemoan, whine, and kick their little feet over anniversaries like this. If it's bad, America must have had something to do with it, period, end of story, in their intellectually dishonest, stunted minds.
I wasn't alive in '45. I can't speak to the tenor, the thought processes, or the politics of the times. I can only look back through the eyes of those who lived it, worked it, and wrote of it. I can only read history -- as it happened, and as it is spun by differing ideologies -- and make the best, most reasonable conclusions possible in hindsight, politically-motivated spin aside.
And I can only look at the world today, as it evolved from those seemingly 'at the edge of Armageddon' days, to make some conclusions about it all.
There are a few aspects of American history where it's not out of line to feel ashamed of things this nation did. Use of the atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, on August 6 and 9, 1945, isn't one of them.
By August of 1945, the United States had been engaged in nothing less than total war with the Imperial Empire of Japan for over three bloody years. It was total war, against an ideology that had signalled brutal totality on December 7, 1941, and had made POW treatment at Gitmo seem like a Saturday Night Live skit, compared to Japanese treatment of American, British, Australian, Chinese and other POWs in their hands. Ask any Marine, soldier or sailor who faced the fanatical Japanese code of bushido in such places as on Guadalcanal, Tarawa, New Guinea, Saipan, Guam, Peleliu, the Philippines, on Iwo Jima, Okinawa, or on the waters off of any of these storied battle zones. These experiences -- individually and collectively -- showed America that the Japanese warrior was capable, brutal, suicidal, averse to the so-called "rules" of war, and would not surrender easily, if at all. It had become bloodily evident that the cost of bringing final defeat to them on their home islands would be cataclysmic, as the savage campaign on Okinawa clearly demonstrated.
I am satisfied that the Truman Administration weighed all factors, and came to what at that time seemed the most reasoned, viable option available, to bring an end to the world's bloodiest conflict. Had Nazi Germany still been holding out at this point in history, facts long since known prove that 'The Bomb' would have been unhesitatingly deployed there, as well.
My upcoming opinion is possibly debatable, but I think history thus far sustains it: the dawning of the Atomic Age dramatically altered the notion of widespread conventional war as an instrument of foreign policy. Granted, the Atomic Age hasn't done away with war or the threat of it, as the period of 1945-2008 clearly demonstrates. But what could arguably have been the triggers for World War III -- the blockade of Berlin by the Soviets, the Korean War, the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Arab-Israeli 'Yom Kippur' War of 1973, even September 11, 2001 -- all could easily have grown to world conflagrations, but for the nuclear weapons element, hanging like an apocalytic vulture in the wings.
Still, it is arguable -- such is my take -- that the stark reality of August 6 and 9, 1945, has kept the world from crossing the brink all-out, a brink so easily crossed in all-out fashion in 1914 and 1939.
Whatever your take on the history of 63 years ago, you won't find me wastefully emoting and shallowly hand-wringing over it. What's done is done. What matters is what we've done in the years since. Japan has put it all behind, and is a staunch ally and friend, as is Germany. And that we're all still here, and still living in the greatest nation in the world, suggests that America's contribution to the world since World War II, hasn't been all that bad.