Dear Skunky -- XV

Dear Skunky mighta hit a new low in mean-spiritedness with an email scammer. I'll probably be among the first sent to re-education camp when the Libs (hope to) take charge next January.

It started with one of those emails from a Yvonne Amoeba (or whatever), telling me I had an "$800,000 consignment cheque" pending, somewhere, and I had to make contact with one of her cronies in order to receive it. What it was for, and why it was for, was never made clear, but what the hey, we stupid, ignorant Americans aren't much for asking such pithy questions, when offered free money.

At least, according to the scammers.

Anyway, I was directed to contact a Melt Jackson (meltjackson@live.com), to make arrangements. So Dear Skunky did. In the guise of "Pastor Gas", Rev. Robert Tilton.

Now, in my initial reply -- sent to both Yvonne and Melt -- I didn't know for absolute certain just what gender "Melt" was, so I started the email reply off with a "Dear Ma'am", since I knowd that Yvonne was one. Melt's reply was quick to set me straight:

Rev. Tilton,
first off, it's Mister. i am MR. Melt Jackson, MRS Yvonne Ademola informed me to guild you to receiving your consigment it your money of $800,000 (bank Draft) kept for you by her husband with Mr. Justin Yayi who's the Driector Bank of Africa. She noticed that the draft would soon expire so she had it crashed out to avoid high dumorage raised against you for still keeping the fund in bank.

time is not on our side and I wait your swife respond to make posessed of check by august 5.

I so liked the emphasis he put on his title, I reckon let's keep a good thing going here:

Ma'am,
First off, it's Reverend. Thank you for the illegible expiation, and I will assure Madam that the best possible use will be made of the check saved from dumberage. Send it right along (I then included the address info I'm using for the good Pastor Gas, in Florida), and I shall see that it goes to those members of my flock most deserving of tithing.

Melt will continue to have issues with the Reverend and his salutations:

Rev Tilton,
It is SIR, not MAAM, I am male please make clear. i believe your aware MRS Yvonne has paid for your delivering change and insuance preioum (nawp...I wasn't). What left is "security keeping fee" of $210 i still await your home address (you silly , illiterate twit) and ffull name that would be register with congigment. you have to make payment to informations bellow:
Paul James
Lagos, Nigeria
Text Question: what day?
Text Answer: ???????

once fee is pay we would have your package process and delivered to you immediately and you get tracking number to package. you hsould have package at your door steep in 2-3 day.

Being lazy, I just took one of my other fauxWestern Union receipts used previously, fuzzied it up, and sent it to Madam Melt, with the following:

Ma'am,
I have sent the Western Union transfer you asked for. I have attached the receipt for your edification. Praise He who helps others! Yowza!

The salutation continues to prove a point of contention:

Reverend,
I am a SIR please! i receeve your email, but i cannot read the recept you send for me. Please have the MTCN number AMOUNT and the TEXT QUESTION AND ANSWER send to me beacuse i am not to read the recept you send.

I am such a stinker; even moreso with this reply:

Ma'am,
I apologize for my scanner. Since you are unable to read it, it is apparently serving me poorly. So I will happily inform you of the information you request, though you know it all from your earlier instructions:

Name of recipient: Jaul Pames
MTCN#: 7004166609
Text Question: What Gay?
Text Answer: Homer the Hamster

I will look forward to receiving my check.

I'm not sure if Melt is more concerned with the payment or my continued salutations:

Reverend please!
i explan I am male not a maam! i am Melt, not Yvonne! Please to get right!

i am not understand you. there not money to the MTCN you give me. Please to check connection and get me back soonest.

Dear Skunky is ever so eager to displease:

Ma'am,
WHAT??? Check the payment again. I sent it myself, in exact accordance with your wishes.

Melt is getting most annoyed now:

i am NOT MADAM!!!! and there are no mony on the MTCN..you call Western Union to confirm it..hope you aint playing games with me.Call western Union and confirm what goes on the person I say to send to is Paul James and the text question you used is wrong, i said what day not what GAY???

I decide to be nice, but change my mind a second later, and keep the annoyance going:

Ma'am,
I did check with Western Union, and they not only insist that the money was properly sent, the showed me the electronic evidence that is has been collected, by a Jaul Sames. Isn't that your man? And I read most carefully your text question, and it did say "what gay?". It's the answer to the text question that's important here, and you have it.

Now go check with your assistant and get back to me.

My change of mind on being nice apparently succeeded in sofar as my objectives go:

for last time i am NOT MAAM!!!! i dont believe any word you say, the MTCN you gave me is never correct and i did not say to use gay only if you blind..you will stop disrespect me now you understand! you not know who you deal with! stop at once this disrespect!

Yeah, I should really stop the disrespect. But Dear Skunky doesn't:

Ma'am,
I don't know what you're getting your panties in a bunch over. I don't care if you're gay and sodomize hamsters. What is important is that you have the money to send my check, and you do have it, for the information I have sent you is authenticated by my Western Union. If yours is woefully inept, I cannot help that. I will pray for your inept Western Union, and your sodomizing of hamsters with my congregation this Sunday. Meantime, take the receipt I sent you and the information I sent you and make your Western Union do the right thing.

Sir/Ma'am Melt Jackson -- now apparently quite unstrung -- sends me this paragraph of jibberish; I gather he apparently thinks that I am an undercover FBI agent working online scams:

dont do this to your fellow FBI cos it sucks...am an agent too...just try to get rid of this email. so go f*** yourself...not even you can keep us from this work...try as much as you can FBI...lol...make money...losers f***ing Americans. am passing this out to every scammer to watch and be careful...hmmm u got Prof Charles Soludo...d
MR. Agent Melt Jackson

Did any of you understand this? Me too. So if Melt can send jibberish, so can Dear Skunky:

Ma'am,
So, you're FBI too? Get outta town! Really? Wow. My boss is gonna get such a hoot out of this: I got contacted by a gay FBI guy who sodomizes hamsters in Nigeria, and is working the same case I am! He ain't never gonna believe it! It reminds me of a song we used to bellow from the recruit barracks at Quantico during a forbidden hootch party during basic:

*sung to tune of Streets of Laredo*

"I see, by your outfit, that you, are an agent"
"I see, by your outfit, you are an agent, too..."
"We see, by our outfits, that we are both agents.."
"If you get an outfit, you can be an agent, too!"

That generates a spasm from Melt:

stupid f***ing American, i am NOT A MAAM!!!!

Dear Skunky sent back this:

Ma'am,
Do gay FBI agents in Nigeria bother checking the gender of the hamsters you sodomize? It occurred to my boss that if you sodomize a female hamster, it de-gays you. What's your take on it?

Sadly, we'll apparently never get an answer to that one, or to anything else from Ma'am Melt Jackson. Bad Skunk. Baaaaaaaaaaaaad Skunk.