No Development On Titan!

It's official: NASA's Cassini spacecraft has determined that water exists on the Saturn moon Titan.

Or at least, a water-like substance.

Earth-bound enviroids are in a tizzy.

"Where there's water, there's greedy, mean-spirited development and, like, you know dude, so totally wrecking of the environment!" stated a press release from E.L.F., a progressive organization committed to environmental protection through fire and vandalism.

A source from the orifices of Herself, the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has made it perfectly clear: "Just as we continue to defend $4/gallon oil by refusing to access our own domestic reserves, so we can continue to buy overpriced foreign oil, this office will fight any attempt by Big Oil to do any offshore drilling on Titan!"

And a source from Mr. Global Warning Hisself, AlGore, had this to say: "Just you watch...human-caused global warming is coming to Titan, sure as the arrival of Cassini! The environment is at a tipping point there, and if we don't make radical changes NOW, Titan will be beyond saving, with global flooding moon-wide within 20 years! We must make certain not one single or married SUV sets foot on the pristine wilderness of Titan! With Cassini there, it may already be too late!"

Adding fuel to the fire of enviro panic over the news from Titan, B.A.S.S. International is preparing for the First Annual Titan Fish-Off, hosted by Roland Martin and Masterbait And Tackle Shops. "Dunno what they'll catch, but it'll surely be records, records and more records!" drawls Martin.

Sought out for comment, a six foot Titannus AquaMorphodytus Limpet had this to say about all the Earth-bound hoopla: "eiaghiaig;hei;an ()&#$)(&&%)@(hj43i[ahtoh4ionar9phealh". Having no translation device readily available, that's what the computer copied down. Despite our inability to translate what it said, a spokesperson for PETA was quick to respond "See? SEE??? They KNOW! They don't WANT US THERE! ALL VEGANS FOR TITAN NOW!!!"

And Jeff Peckham -- the ET alien commission proponent -- enthused "See? This is why Denver needs an ET Welcome Committee organized now! They're COMING!!! THEY will soon be HERE!"

Note: none of this has anything to do with the upcoming DNC coming to Denver. Many of the whackjobs were already here.