Friday, August 22, 2008

(IL)Legal Eagle

This was kind of an interesting one, once I got past a few *yawn*s. It had all the elements one looks for in something one bags up and tosses in the trash: a "damsel" in refugee distress, with a multi-million dollar fund in a bank in Senegal (via a reputed, worldly bank in England), and the need for a foreigner to help her get it; her alternative plan to try to woo her benefactor in the process (note her photo); an improbably-named banker; and another one of them legal barristers (photoed above, as well), and his legal firm's icon that adorned all of his email correspondence (last but not least, photoed above).
Granted, there was nothing unique about scamstress Lilian Kewrell ( or her standard ploy, though she did "come on" to her assumed benefactor, Jerome "Curly" Howard, promising additional "benefits" once she was reunited with her money in the USofA. She claimed to be from Liberia, from where her dead father (killed by Charles Taylor), had transferred for her the sum of $6.5 million US dollars into "protextive cusody" in the Republic of Senegal. There she currently resided as a 'refugee', because she needed a foreigner to access the cash her late father left her, never credibly explaining why it was so.
Seeking credible explanations would be so, like, you know, totally bogus, dude.
As with many of the scammers I've encountered, neither she, her banker, nor her bannister, read my replies very closely. For example, for my occupation (for the bank and bannister), I listed my occupation as "deceased comedian". Nor did I seem to draw any comment about my listed bank (First Astral Savings & Interdimensional Loan, Third Astral Plane, Marduk, with a Los Angeles area code phone number that rings Didn't raise an eyebrow.
I only had one brief exchange with Ms Kewrell's banker, a Mr. Prosper Graham, of Barclay's Bank of London (, wherein he asked me to provide him the usual array of information and documents that I, as the scam-ee, wouldn't have access to (death certificate, certificate of deposit, power of attorney, et al); this in turn opened the way for the introduction of the bannister -- Dr. Atkinson Richard Chambers -- of Senegal, Africa (, who could, for a fee, provide me with all the documents necessary for the bank, to make Ms Kewrell's dream come true.
A dream of latching her lips to to my wallet, and giving it a Senegalese head job.
Naturally, "Jerome" played his role to keep this trio engaged. When it came to notification of the fees required by Bannister Dr. Atkinson Richard Chambers, Legal Eagle -- $3750 -- Jerome bought credible time by telling them he had to access his 401k account for the funds, which would take a week to receive.
As I said....*yawn*.
I finally began eliciting a little entertainment, when I sent this email to the 'Legal Eagle':
Dear Bannister,
I have received my 401k disbursement cheque, and am going to forward the entire amount of the cheque to you. After you pay the required fees for the transfer of Ms. Lilian Kewrell's fund to the Barclay's Bank, kindly send back to me the balance of the cheque not needed for the fees (in short, I'm turning the 'send an overpayment of faux funds to your intended victim, and they'll send real money back' ploy, back on my intended scammers). You may send it back to me via Western Onion, to Jerome Curly Howard, Los Angeles CA. The text question will be Hey Moe and the text answer will be Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk.
And I attached my (not yet) world famous deer butt doorbell Euro bill for $14,500.
Bannister Dr. Atkinson Richard Chambers, Legal Eagle, proves that, whatever else he claims to have mastered, the English language isn't any part of it:
Good day Mr. Jerome Howard,
I receive your mail and the content of your mail is well understood. I promise to send back to you the balance of your payment that is not need for the preparation of the documents once you make your payment available kindly inform me on exact amount you sent to me and provide me with all the necessary informations needed to enable me receive the money from the westnern union money transfer agent in Senegal.
Jerome wastes no time in setting the (il)legal-eyed bannister straight:
The payment was attached to my last. You simply print it off on a superior-quality color copier, take it to your bank and cash it. Deduct your $3750 fee from the total, and send me back the balance, using the Western Onion information I provided you in my previous email. I believe in simplicity, don't you?
I then sent off quick emails to Mr. Prosper Graham and Ms. Lilian Kewrell, letting them know that the fees had been paid, and all was in the order one would expect things to be in, with such a "business arrangement as ours".
That satisfactory notion lasted long enough for Bannister Dr. Atkinson Richard Chambers, Legal Eagle, to react to my last email, wherein he proved he could understand at least a little English:
HOWARD (here we go with the 'all caps' gig again),
This, in turn, sparks a panic-stricken email from Ms Lilian:
Jerome my love, what is happening? I am shock at what i learn from barrister about your fee payment You are my last hope in life and I commit my love to you from when we meet in US after you transfer the money! Please dont betray me in my last hour of need, darling Jerome! You promise me!
I didn't get any last minute "WTF?"s from Prosper Graham, costing me the hat trick, but beggars can't be choosers, though actually they can be if they want to be, and I digress.
So I sent this to little Ms. "Last Hope in Life":
Really? I'm your last hope in life? Honest? Damn...that's too bad. Guess you better go jump into a volcano, or stake yourself out in the path of army ants or something, 'cuz you put your last best hope in life on a dead guy. Yep, Lilian, I'm dead. I died in 1952. Buried right here in Los Angeles, I am. Kinda hard to explain how you made contact with me, but it's through instrumental transcommunication, and you did it. Now you're stuck with the malevolent part of my spirit, haunting you forever after. I know that's role reversal, since usually it's the husband, forever haunted by his malevolent mother-in-law, but in the spirit world, there are no rules...just obfuscations. You can look that up.
Anyway, your life's over, according to you. Go find a crocodile to render you down or something. Mention my name when you cross over; that and fifty cents won't get you a good cup of coffee, but it will give Lucifer a good laugh.
Jerome Curly Howard
The Three Stooges
Nothing further from Lilian, so I don't know which route she took to face her end (though standing backward in front of a mirror, and bending down and looking back is a viable option). Meantime, to her Legal Eagle, went this reply:
Dear Bannister,
Actually, yes, Bannister, I am serious crazy. Nyuk nyuk nyuk...*BONK* ow! See that? *Bonk*...OW! Wooob-wooo-wooo-woooo! Oh look, Moe bend the chisel...*Moe chiming in "I'll straighten that"*...nyuk nyuk *CLANG*..OW!
Actually no, Bannister, I wasn't kidding. That was your payment. Trust me, Bannister, your Senegalese bankers won't know the difference. As for your legal peers, especially those who work as you do, they won't, either. A tree stump in the Senegalese jungle probably wood (see what I just did there?), but neither they nor you would.
Nothing further from the "Legal Eagle", either. Nyuk nyuk nyuk....*BONK*...OW!


Blogger Herb said...

Instrumental Transcommunication, hmmm? I suppose you have to do a lot of mediation to reach that plane, especially with all those democrats coming to town. You should interview a couple of the party-goers.

22 August, 2008 05:04  
Blogger Debbie said...

It must feel good to be the "last hope in life" to so many people. hahahahah

Debbie Hamilton
Right Truth

22 August, 2008 14:48  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

These entries are gay!! I don't even know how I came upon them, but I think I just wasted several minutes of my life reading them.

23 August, 2008 16:37  
Blogger Serena Joy said...

LOL. There's no end to the adventures in scamdom, is there?:)

23 August, 2008 17:02  
Blogger Skunkfeathers said...

*Disclaimer for Anonymous Lost, Gay and Time-Sensitive Web Surfers: time considered lost here by anonymous persons of dubious antecedence is sincerely not regretted, but it amuses the blog administrator immensely. Should a viable time machine be invented, the anonymous and lost gay complainer is more than welcome to make use of it, and get back those minutes felt wasted. And this blog doesn't give a hefty load of cow crap about it's carbon foot print, either*

23 August, 2008 18:34  

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