Coffee Barf

*One of my favorites from the 2007 archives*

Now, don't let the title fool ya: I love a good cuppa joe. Java. Caffe. Coffee.

I don't go in for a lot of the foo-foo nonsense they sell at coffee bars, Starbucks, Peabody's, or bottled with more additives than John Kerry's Botox injections. I like 100% Columbian coffee, freshly brewed and black. Put one packet of sugar or cream in it, and it's no longer coffee; it's hot cocoa. Anything other than a straight black cup of freshly brewed coffee just ain't coffee, period, end of statement*.

So now that you know where I sit, let me tell you where I stand on a scammer trying to use one of my preferred beverages as an angle to scam me with: amused, in a one-answer-expected-going-no-further kind of way.

More on that in a bit.

Mr. Dean John (costacoffe404@sify.com) sent me one of those "part time employment" offers (ala Kelley Ko Fabric & Textiles and the Anatomy of a Piss-off series, earlier in this blog), where...well, let me let him tell it in his words:

Hello,

My name is Dean John and am the Employment Manager of Costa Coffee, a quality coffee company based in the United Kingdom, the company has been setup in Lambeth, London since 1971, supplying all local caterers, major Italian and American coffee shops and around the world, with an exciting coffee, slow-roasted the Italian way (A bunch of bambinos slamming veno on a lazy afternoon, slow-roasting to a drunken stupor? But I digress).

People couldn't get enough of it and by 1978 the first Costa expresso bar opened in Vauxhall Bridge Road in London. To this day we still use the same method of slow-roasting our coffee beans, serving the brothers' authentic blend of 6 Arabica beans to 1 Robusta in 500 coffee shops all over the world.

The company is always facing serious difficulties when ti comes to selling our products to Americans because they are always offering to pay with US MONEY ORDERS and US CHECKS which is difficult fo rus to cash here in the UK since th elast person that represents us in the US has just fallen sick (of your sh**) and cannot continue the job.

We are looking for a representative in the United States who will be working for the company as a Part-Time Representative/Bookkeeper and we'll be willing to pay 10% for every transaction, of course it would'nt affect ur resent state of work because you may do it as a PART-TIME work, all we need is just someone who would help us recieve payments from our customers in the states. i mean someone that is responsible and reliable, cuase the cost of coming to the states and geting payments is very expensive (so's hiring a proofreader, it seems) so for now we need a representative in the United State who will be handling the payment aspect.

These payments are in US Money orders/Checks and they would come to you in your name, so all you need do is cahs the money orders and checks, deduct your percentage (10%) and wire the rest back. It would'nt cost you anything, you are to recieve payments which will be mailed to you by post from my business patners, which would come in form of Money Orders or Checks then you are to cash it and send the cash to me via western union money transfer all western union charges will be deducted from the money.

If you are interested please fill up the form below and get back to me soonest.

Regards,

Dean John

Costa Coffee,

Exporters of Quality Cofee

At the time this was received, I was just starting my third go-around, *working* as a part-time employee of Kelley Ko. So between my "pays the bills and little else" job, and my almost full-time job of scambaiting (no pay, but the hours are 60 minutes apiece), I came to the difficult conclusion that I had no time to play this schmuck's game as well...at least for now (I can always write to him from another addy and expresso an interest...*ducking throwd items*).

So I crafted up one of those replies that *almost* always guarantees a short-term in the correspondence department:

Dear John,

This is rather weird, since usually that's how a letter is titled when a guy gets dumped by a girl who's dumping him for some other stupid schlep who doesn't grasp what kind of a snooty skank she probably is, but I digress.

As it so happens, I am well-familiar with Costa Coffee. Had some of that sh** when I travelled to London in 2002. It sucks big honkin' whale dorks, it does. How do you manage to make a living, selling such absolute sh**? Drainage from a cesspool would taste better than Costa Coffee! The crap SUCKS! Two tons of Coffee-Mate can't save it; crystal meth dilutes to powdered sugar in it; it eats holes through industrial-strength tungsten. A cup spilled in London's Piccadilly Circus in '04 is expected to emerge in Beijing in '10, having eaten all the way through the Earth, the way an AlGore speech eats brain cells, leaving a void betwixt the ears.

Whassamatta widchu? Who the f*** are you, the Satan of Columbian Coffee? The ass-end of Jan Valdez's ass? How can you peddle such a patently pathetic product? So it follows for me to ask, in all seriousness....do you offer medical and dental benefits, paid time off and a 401k option?

Okay, I was kidding...what I seriously want to know is, how do you expect me to want to work for a schmuck who sells the WORST F***ING BEVERAGE ON THE FACE OF THIS PLANET, OR IN ANY OVERLAPPING, PARALLEL UNIVERSE, IF YOU BELIEVE IN THAT KIND OF STUFF?

Enlighten me, please. Go ahead...I crave enlightenment. And this pitch of yours literally SHRIEKS for enlightenment!

U. R. Phulovit

Okay...whaddaya bet on the nature of the reply, if one? Personally, I was figuring on no reply. Or one that ignored my rant, and offered me a job, thinking me stupider than he proved to be.

*Buzzer* We'd a both been wrong:

Mr. Phulovit,

i am most insult by the words you use on your application. You don't even bother to fill up the application but you use words i am not appreciate for. Costa Coffee is finest product in world, and you show you are not a good united state representative. dont writ me again.

Dean John

Whaddaya think...should I *writ* him again?

Well, I did....next up: Coffee Barf II