Daliverunce Part I

*Blogger's Note: this is another one from the 2006 scammer archives...this is one you have to read...slowly...to believe it lasted six parts*

Just when I think I've heard from the dumbest of the dumb in 419ers, and can't possibly find a dumber one to play...along comes one to lower the bar even further.

Gollllllllllllll-eee.

Throughout the entirety of this thread, the opening strains of Duelling Banjos from Deliverance, or the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies, is faintly playing in the background. It has to be.

Occasionally, I get a little too flippant (aka, smart ass) with my initial reply to a scamster/ette, and lose 'em in translation straight away, especially when one starts out with a form scam letter that's relatively well-written, as this one began. I really expected that in this case. When you read my reply -- er, that of my guise in this case -- you'll be wonderin' how I ever expected a reply, too.

Witness the form letter start by the latest, one Grace Kobe, and note that, as she goes on, the quality of the grammar starts to ever so slightly plummet, sorta like a two ton boulder down a mountainside:

ATTN: Dearly Beloved,

this communication to you is strictly confidential, with due respect. Sorry at this perceived confusion or stress you may have receiving this letter from me, Since we have not known ourselves or met previously. Despite that, I am constrained to write you this letter because of the urgency of it.By way of self introduction, I am Mrs. Grace Kobe, the wife of late Brigadier Gen. Maxwell Kobe former ECOMOG ARMY COMMANDER (West African peacekeeping force in Sierra Leone) who died in the Sierra Leone civil disturbance (war).

My three daughters and I are trapped in obnoxious custom and traditional norms. We have suffered maltreatement and untold hardship in the hands of my late husband's family, simply beacuse I did not bear a male child for my late husband.

By tradition, all tha tmy late husband had! belongs to his brothers/family. And myself is to be remarried by his immediate younger brother which I vehemently refused.

They have taken all that I suffered with my husband to acquire including treasures, house and his bank particular seized by them. I wanted to escape to the USA with my children on exile, but again they conspire and stole my passport and other travel documents to further frustrate me.

Thank God, two weeks ago I received Key Text Code from a security & finance company abroad, that my late husband maintains a safty deposit box of high value (notice the abrupt fall off of grammar here; she musta had to improv this part) with this compnay and i am the next o fkin so therefore i should make necessayr arrangements to come fo the clam of the box. It has therefour become very nessetary and urgen to contact someone a foreigner liek you to help me receive and succor this consignment while we i and my children find a way of getting out to meet you in your county.

You would need give me suffiunt assurance that if you help me, you would not divet its contents which i will reveel to you as this is an iformaton known only to me and no else. My children and i have resolved to give you a cretin percent of your honest assitance to us and i shall open up to you as i have to be careful for this is the only way i and my children can have better life.

Please!, I have reposed my confident in you and hope you will not disapoint me. i look forwerd to your urgent response including your private phone and also your fax for easier communicate.

Express to help me and i will convey you the secret codes for the box safty kept with me.

Pleased to hurry,
Mrs. Grace Kobe

Hurry I will. Since it's been awhile since I used this particular guise -- he tends to drive readers crazy, and even leaves me occasionally wondering what the hell he just said -- I expected that this one reply would be the beginning and the end. Thus, the reply from Hizzoner, Dr. Waldorf Billybob Snarf, more redneck than most rednecks:

Ma'am: dadgummed iffen yore emale thang diddunt jest make me git all emoshunal an stuff. That's shore one "life sucks" storee iffen ever ah ever heered one, shore 'nuff. So much so, ah'm tellin yall what: iffen ah kin hep ya, ah'll shorely try.

Ah ain't got no phone, Ma'am: ah'm heerin' impared, so phones ain't mah thang. but yall kin reech me hyar, on this emale thang ya dun fownd me on. Jest tell me whatchall wanna give me this hyar bizness fer, an' shore as mah dawg's got flees, ah'll see what ah kin do fer ye.

Yall got mah word as a sothern gent on that thar. Ah'll be waitin' to hyar what yall needs fer me ta do.

Dr. Waldorf Billybob Snarf, Sothern Entremanure

That there's a Part II at all is just plum amazin'...but thar is...