Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Smart What?

I know the email didn't mean what they wanted me to think it meant.

I think.

Here's what they originally writ:

Dear Sirs,
GL GROUP is established in 2013 by Mr.Ng in China, Karl king in UK and Raphel in Italy
The group have own factory and brand Sager, manufacturee Car DVR and Samrt Watch.
We welcome the global customerrs become our agentss.
our bussiness will send you pricee listt if you have any needss.

The alleged collaboration between a Chinese, a Brit and an Italian was not of much help to them with the spellchecker.

Not that I should hold that against them.  Until the edit:

Dear Sirs,
GL GROUP is established in 2013 by Mr.Ng Chow Ping in China, Whacking Haggis in UK and Raphael Twatwaffle in Italy
The group have own factory and brand Sucktastic, manufacturing smart toilet seats and dildos activated by The Clapper.
We welcome the global customerrs that gots moneys and no gooder smellcheckers than we does.
our bussiness will send you pricee listt if you have any needs; ticky wicky sucky f**ky five bucks.  It all rock and roll to me Joe. Chemo savvy? 
淘宝客户,我厂新开店铺为提高信誉等级,行车记录仪(现场车祸责任分析,防碰瓷,爱车守护监控).智能手表(打电话)亏本大甩卖。直接工厂价格销售。Note-san:  what it say is  淘宝客户,我厂新开店铺为提高信誉等级,行车记录仪(现场车祸责任分析,防碰瓷,爱车守护监控).智能手表(打电话)亏本大甩卖。直接工厂价格销售 cuz we no read this crap no gooder than they write it.  
I guess I re-writ it gooder than they had a respond to.  Which got a *face palm* from the pet rock...


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Saturday, December 26, 2015

Psychic Not Line

I'm not psychic, but I needn't be to know that Zoltar does not find me amusing.

Nor did the following scammer, to whom I invoked Zoltar to her annoyance.  Here's how it began:


Dearest Beloved,

I know that this letter may be a very big surprise to you, I came across your email contact from my personal search and I instructed the doctor here in this hospital to help me email you and i believe that you will be honest to fulfill my final wish before i will die.

I am Mrs. Yeety Bayarmaa, I am 66 years old, From Mongoila, and I am suffering from a long time cancer of the breast. From all indication my condition is really deteriorating, and my doctors have courageously advised me that I may not live beyond 3 month;
this is because the cancer has reached a critical stage.

I was married to late Dr Bayramaa Altangerel, gold & diamond exportation) in Burkina Faso, West Africa, where we live all our Lives for Thirty-two years before he died in the year2004. But is quite unfortunately, He died after a Cardiac Arteries Operation that lasted only for four days.

Since his death I decided not to re-marry, I deposited all the sum of $5.8million dollars with a Bank in Ouagadougou- Burkina Faso, where we spend our life together in Burkina Faso.

Presently, this money is still in their custody, and the management just wrote me as the Legitimate beneficiary to come forward to receive the money after keeping it for so long or rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I cannot come over as a result of my illness, or they get it confiscated.

Presently, I’m with my laptop in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment. I have since lost my ability to do anything myself and my doctors have told me that I have only 3 month to live.

Now that i am about to end the race like this, without any family members and no child. It is my last wish to see that this money is invested, but you will assure me that you will take 50% of the money and give 50% to the orphanages home in your country for my heart to rest.

I want your good humanitarian, to also use this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows around. I must let you know that this was a very hard decision, but I had to take a bold step towards this issue because I have no further option. I hope you will help see my last wishes come true.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank. I will also issue you a letter of authority which will prove that you are the new beneficiary of my funds, and the documents concerning the deposit. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. Hope to hear from you soonest. I am waiting your response.  

Even my pet rock heard my mental *TOING* from across the room when I read "I know that this letter may be a very big surprise to you"...

It wouldn't have been to Zoltar.  Or Solitare.

I fancy the latter...which also pissed off Zoltar.


At any rate, that guided my character's response:

No, it is not a surprise whatsoever.  I have been expecting your email.  I am a freelance free range tarot reader and turkey inseminator.
I know that you are not from Mongolia.  I know that you are not dying.  I know that you are not woman, hear you roar.  I know that you do not have $5.8 Million USD in a bank in an unpronounceable African town in an African country.  I know that you are sick in an integrity/moral/ethical way.  And you shouldn't have let that goat sodomize you last week.
As I deal the deck here to read your future, I see you being pecked to sh*t by emus.  Just thought you'd like to know in case you're drunk and oblivious, which you are frequently.
That will be $49.99. 
Zoltar of Tarot Readage
Available for parties and ostrich christenings  

That response went over poorly:

you are no christen.  

I'm not a door knob either.  

Of course, I must be at least somewhat psychic...I just knowd that the scammer wasn't going to like my response.

But she was right...I'm no 'christen'.

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Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Bad Scammer Meets Bad Santa

I sorta love when a scammer sends one of my characters an email that starts off with a prominently displayed 'WARNING'.

Like this one:

                                                              DATE: 18 / 11 / 2015
We apologies for the delay of your payment and all the inconveniences we might have put you through, while we were having some minor problems with our payment system which in all case not meeting up with foreign payments, we apologies once again. from the records of outstanding funds due for payment with the federal government of Burkina Faso, your name and address was discovered as next on the list of the (2 outstanding beneficiary who have not yet received his/her Fund, west Africa commission and the western union foundation payments tenure of the previous administration in office please bear with us.

Meanwhile, a woman came to our bank yesterday with a letter, claiming to be your true representative and advice that we should send the total $13.3million usa direct to her nominated bank account. Here is her information below:

Name: Mrs. Anne Robinson
Country: Liberia
Bank name: Citibank.
Account number: 01547865241234

Please, do reconfirm to this office, as a matter of urgency if this woman is from you so that the federal government will not be held responsible for paying into the wrong account name if this woman is not your rep, you are requested to fill and send this information for verifications purposes so that your fund will be remitted to you through bank to bank transfer as we were advised by the central bank of Burkina Faso. Kindly re-confirm to me the followings:

1) Your full name
2) Receiving country
3) Company name, position and address.
4) Profession, age and marital status.
5) Working id/int'l passport.
6) Phone, fax and mobile

As soon as this information’s is received, your payment will be made to you directly via the central bank agent. This is the third quarter payment of the year. However; we shall proceed to issue all payments details to the said Mrs.Anne Robinson from Liberia, if we do not hear from you within the next three working days from today. We are sorry for any inconvenience, transferring of your fund must have caused you allot.
Yours Sincerely,
Dr. Mohammed Ousmane Mohammed
Office Address: 03 BP 115 Avenue Yennenga
Ouaga 03 Ouagadougou. Burkna Faso.
Tel / Fax: +226-74-27-37-70
 Integration of a new bank,Since January 13Th, 2014 The Banque de Credit de Bujumbura (BCB) is the 11Th bank subsidiary of the BOA Group.

My reply was typical of my character who was, at the time, filled with sentiments of the season, enhanced by a snow storm:

I'll reproduce any part of this f***ing message in any manner I want, any venue I want, any language I want, and share it with whoever the f*** I want.  And there's not one F***ING THING you can do about it.  

That apparently left them speechless, as all I received was  a blank email reply.

Guess they didn't know that Santa could be THAT bad...

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Sunday, December 20, 2015

Opening Scam Letter Seminar 101

Yawp...the devil's always in the details.

I decided to let a scammer be the training aid for other scammers in a dumbed down sorta way, and I decided that Anna Clement -- scammer from the Benin Repugnant -- was the perfect choice to do the duties.

Let's start with her rather stellar opening gambit as my character received it:


Your silence is some kind of shocking to this office, are you aware that we have completed the verification of your details for the claiming of this fund as the regulation requires? if we must proceed with your transaction then you must keep frequent reply; this is a Ministry and there are certain rules to be followed before the fund will not have any problem in reaching you and after our meeting today, it has been decided that you either claim the fund or as the fund owner order the termination of the fund and lose the fund to be ordered back to the Government Reserves Account as an unclaimed fund, I really wish you to claim this fund but not with the character you have showed which simply shows you are willing to let the fund go.  
"Your silence is some kind of shocking to this office".  LMAO.
Perhaps they'll find my breaking of that silence a tad moreso, along with their assorted peers and colleagues, as my character steals my pet rock's editing hat and has a go:
 Attention all you scammer *FAILS*:  here is how you write a *good* scam email opener:
On Monday, November 2, 2015 11:32 PM, Mrs. Anne Clement <castroarmentac@gmail.com> wrote:
Your silence is some kind of shocking to this office; we have offered you millions and a date with a yak that looks a lot like Taylor Swift*, and yet you STILL are not showing an awareness that we have completed the verification of your details for the claiming that a constipated mathematician that worked it out with a pencil was judged in error by Crummy Core math standards because he didn't subdivide the pencil five ways with alien script wearing a purple hat?  
If we are to proceed with this effort to give you the business on our parts of the first part using all the whereins and therebys that legalese requires, then you must keep frequent reply; this is a Ministry of baphomet dildos and there are certain rules to be followed before our great goat assed gawd Barack Insane Barry Soetero Obola will not have any problem in sinking a putt that he won't officially know about until the msnbc dude he's sleeping with tells him about it. 
After our meeting today, it has been decided that you either shit or wind your watch.  If you're not sure which option to take, we'll confusedly shit on your watch.  
Please note: this morning after our meeting you owe us $125 for the donuts and coffee we consumed while chasing each other around a large table wearing witch doctor outfits and booga looing our secret password that allows our baphomet dildo to anoint us with holy moley.  The Board now want you to send to us your scammed signature which will allow us to terminate our translator who obviously isn't doing something rightj if you don't meet up the requirement for the coffee and donuts duty fee which is $125.
I emailed you several times in assorted languages and you did not respond and I feel you are ready to lose it -- note that I said that you're ready to lose it while I'm talking about baphomet dildos -- because you have not as yet been affected by the fraud in Africa or the Demoncrap National Committee in DC, and this is plainly not acceptable to our goat's ass baphomet dildo deity.  I want you to know today that this is the chance we insist that you have to receive our only approved chance to scam your sorry ass.  I did mentioned to you that you were just unlucky to not as yet has lost the money you hasn't as yet losed because you are too damned smart assed to dealt with impostors and now we are think that we has a great chance which we demand that you try trusting our word....today our word is douchenozzled twatwaffle, which in Yoruba spells Hellary RodehardPutAwayWet Clinton.
Details of sending the coffee and donut fee of $125.00 are below and please send it as i directed you below without further mistaken mistaked mistake;
Receiver’s name: FRED ASOGWA
Location: Cotonou Benin Republic
Question: Why does "Noel" have a "L" in it?
Answer: Beat the billy bejiggers outta me
Amount: $125
Mtcn control number (don't be wisenhorsenassen:  there are 10 numbers and we wants all ten)…….
Sender’s name……..
Sender’s address………
Sender’s phone (you don't have to send your actual phone...a picture of it will work)………
Thank you for your lack of reading skills that keeps you from understanding while I am waiting for the payment details.
Yours most insincerely
Mrs. Anne Clement,
director baphomet dildo rebushing program

All I got for my trouble was one past scammer demanding that I stop emailing him...the same scammer that told my character that my blasphemy toward his Nigerian Illuminincompoop baphomet would see me dead before the year was over.
At best, all his baphomet's managed to do is give me the kinda gas that makes some folks think something died inside me.
Including my pet rock....

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Thursday, December 17, 2015

Not Playing Well With Scammers II

Anonymous knows how to screw with isis.

I know how to screw with scammers.

Take this stammering idiot of a scammer, Momoh Lawson who didn't like my character the first time around.  Now he gets to not like my second character, either.

Here's the entire exchange between "Lawson" and my character, with "Lawson" in bold and my character in italics:

Dear Friend,
How are you today,your family and your work/business? Believing that  the Almighty God is in control? There is no much problems regarding to  this than that i have been very busy attending to my official duties  and as well seeking for alternative arrangements which will we use and  get this fund that has been lyiang here unclaimed sent to you there in  your country without any hitches and obstructions along the way.
Reason is that i have found out that if we should continue following  the banking protocols and procedures due to their payment charges,it  will delay us very well and we might end up not getting this  transaction accomplished in due time because of different charges that  might come up in the process of transfering the funds.
Dear,i personally observed on my own that you were afraid and not  relaxed to come up fully and present yourself as the next of kin to my  late client(deceased)and as the bonefide beneficiary of this fund  which i contacted you to claim.I tried my very best to give you all
the convincions that it takes so that i wll back you up here with the  gathered informations that i know about the fund as i stands here as  your watch Dog but you fell to comply as directed/instructed either  because of the little charges from the bank based on the
administrative procedures or you were not too sure of what i contacted  you for or were seeing the whole thing as a dream.

Now,the good news is that i have finally succeeded in sealing a deal  by which the whole fund will be packaged in a consignment(Trunk  Box)and with a special Diplomatic arrangement, conveyed or delivered  to you in Either anywhere in, USA, CANADA, SPAIN,MALAYSIA,
possible,in your city to proove your thoughts wrong.This is as a  result of where the Diplomatic Service Courier Company is having the  Regional Deposit Centres(where their immunities covers or can take  them to). You can now see that i am a very honest and reliable person
for any reasonable beign to partner with because i never let go and  never allows my parts or roles to be messed up. 
The fear that i am having now is that,i do not know if you will betray
me at last when this fund gets to you as is coming through easier  means now that takes no much time.You meet with the Diplomats  immediately they arrive and contact you,claim the consignment from  them then take it to you house and start taking from it to deposit
into any bank of your choice by instalments until you save them all  and invite me to come down for sharing and investments in your country  as agreed from beginning..........what else?
Finally,in order no to waste any time from your side,all that i need  from you now is to see it that i have strived and laboured as a  man,you now indicate your full interest,choose from any of the  mentioned countries where you would want to receive it then assure me  of your honesty,transperency,reliability and utmost trust that you  will not confiscate or sit on the whole fund when it gets to you.You  assure me of your interest,wilingness and capability to claim/receive  the consignment from the Diplomatic Courier Service Company when they
arrive at any of your chosen country and contact you.In this  effect,reconfirm to me immediately any most confidential phone number  which they will contact you on when they arrive. 

As soon as i read from you favourably and urgently,i will then detail  you on the arrangements as i will conclude with them then give to you  their date of departure etc. Waiting to hear from you favourably and  urgently please.
Best Regards
Mr Momoh Lawson
Telephone No: +22893664679  
 I didn't order a broad.  Unless she looks like Taylor Swift...  

 am not joking and i really need your assistance as my partner, so let me know if you are ready to receive the diplomat and send the requested information ok  

Well if you're not joking then by all means, send your diplomat.  I don't have one at my back door.  

Do you think a diplomat will leave Africa to abroad without been sure of what is coming for, Let me know if you are capable of receiving the diplomat and aswell pay the delivering charge and the diplomat will start coming ok  

people leave Africa all the time.  Ever hear of Somalia?  Send your diplomat.  I can meet 'em and arrange some kind of somethin' er other.  

Since you are capable of paying the delivering charges upon the arrival of the diplomat, I will advice you send me your address and information as requested by the courier company so that i can submit it to the courier company to know if they can deliver the package to you in your address ok.  

I don't see any practical or geographical reason that your diplomatic courier service cannot deliver to my home address.  Unless they are incompetent.  

Thanks for your mail and understanding in this project, I receive your information as requested by the courier diplomatic company and i have submit it to them, I have paid them partial payment to enable them settle their cargo airflight and they will leave tomorrow morning to arrive United State on Sunday by the grace of God, So please you have to get their balance ready before the arrival of the diplomat because they will need it to clear the package from the airport authority and also pay for non inspection of the package for security reason ok.   

Have them contact me when they get here and I'll meet them at Denver International Airport with something good.  

The diplomat will be leaving this morning 9 am to arrive united state tomorrow as they will be on transit from Franch to US. upon the arrival of the diplomat as he call you kindly meet him and follow his instruction to make sure the package is clear and deliver to you ok (note that this communication started on 11-1-15; today's date is 11-10).  



He can call me at ***-3***-**** or email me here.  

ok, I have forward your information to their director so i hope the diplomat will arrive United state succesfully ok, so immediately you hear from him let me know and kindly follow the instruction of the diplomat to make sure everything work out fine ok.  

Soon as I hear from him we can work things out fine.  

Ok, hope the diplomat will be in US today, so please update me as you hear from him  

Awaiting notification of his arrival now.  


No word today.  Tomorrow perhaps?  

Thanks for your mail, This morning i will go straight to the office to ask their director what is going on because the diplomat supposed to arrive US yesterday as they where on transit from France to US.  Immediately you hear from him let me know ok.  

Still waiting to hear from him.  He did read that I said I'd meet him at Denver International Airport, right?  

Please don,t respond any message from nigeria because they are fraud star ok, The diplomat have to be in US today maybe something is wrong else were,so i will check with their director this morning ok.  

Where are YOU writing from?  

I am writing from Togo West Africa, from the capital city Lome Togo,
Did you hear from the diplomat? please update me immediately ok.  
Well that's good...no fraud in Togo, eh?  Still no word.  I'm beginning to doubt that this diplomat is coming, if he even exists.  

Dear Brother, You don,t need to doubt ok, sometime when the road is block they have to wait and contact office to see that the way is clear before entry the country, as you know they are carrying inhe  

 Alright.  I will exercise patience, virtue and dry heaves and await his contact.   

Ok, Let us wait from now till tomorrow ok   

Reckon we'll have to. BTW, your courier better get here soonest, 'cuz there's a big snowstorm due in here Monday night. Might not be able to get in here until after Wednesday  

Ok, I will inform their director ok, Did you hear from the diplomat today,please update me ok.  

Still waiting. Is this on the clock?  He sure knows how to milk it.  Who approves his expense reports?

I hope everything will be okay today    

Where's your diplomat?   

Please you have to call the diplomat immediately on 2022777634  

‏ Dear Brother, Thanks for your mail, you are the cause of the delay for the diplomat ok, The diplomat director call me this morning and complain that their agent have arrived US since two days and he has called and a fax answer.            

 My number isn't a fax!  I don't even HAVE a fax machine!  Tell him to meet me on Thursday, November 19, at Denver International Airport.  He meets me there and I will have his fee in cash there.  But he MUST arrive sometime on Thursday, because I am traveling on the weekend for the holiday next week.  So tell him to make it.  Email me his flight into DIA and time of arrival.   

Dear Brother, Thanks for your mail, I have giving you the contact number of the diplomat to call him, please call him and arrange on how to meet each other because i am not happy about the delay ok.  

I called him three times and got the connection severed when it sounded like someone was answering the phone. Where is he? How do I meet him at the Denver International Airport if he isn't even in the friggin' country yet?    

 Please continue calling him until you get him on line because the diplomat is there in US ok  

  WHERE in the US is he? He won't do me any damned good if he isn't at Denver International Airport on Thursday, November 19. He needs to contact me with his flight information and arrival time. It will be too late on November 20; I am leaving for holiday then.  Impress upon him it's November 19 at DIA or bust.   

I just send your email id to the diplomat director so that he can give their agent to contact you since he complain that he can,t get you on phone and you also complain that you didn,t get the diplomat on the phone.  

  He has not responded by phone or email. Today...he has today.   

 I am tired for this delivering delay, I will call their director to call the diplomat back if nothing happen today or tomorrow  

 You're tired?  I've been waiting on this clown for a week or more.  What the hell is going on there, Momoh?  Is he going to show up here today or not? 

Before Momoh has a chance to reply, "Jack" gives him a specific location for the 'diplomat' to meet up with him:

Tell your diplomat that I will be waiting here at the Denver International Airport until it closes at 9pm tonight.
Caribou Coffee
Snacks & Sweet Treats
Grab & Go
Quick Serve
Less than $10
Daily, 5 a.m. - 9 p.m.
B Gates
(303) 342-8397      

Better tell your diplomat to hurry...I can only drink so much coffee.   

Thanks for your mail, Do you think the diplomat is my brother or he sleep with me? Every time you tell me tell your diplomat to call you or meet you, when i don,t have any contact with the diplomat, i only get information from their company director before informing you, the number i sent to you from the diplomat i call the number and it was working very fine and i talk with the diplomat, so i wonder why you say the number is incorrect.
This morning i have to contact their director to give me the email contact of the diplomat so that i can send it to you to contact him by email and both of you will talk on how to meet each other for the delivering ok.  
I don't know or care what your perverse relationship with the diplomat is, Momoh.  I only know I've been sitting in this coffee shop at DIA for hours, and the bumbling idiot hasn't contacted me or arrived here.  And time is running OUT.  THAT is what I know.  Good thing that the coffee doesn't suck.  

And after 19 days of back 'n forth, my character reaches the deadline he set and drops this on Momoh:

Okay, Momoh:  it's after 9pm my time.  The coffee shop is closed.  My caffeine fix is good until 2017.  My f***ing kidneys are floating and I have waited as long as I intend to short of a spchinter tsunami.  Your incestuous brother diplomat has not arrived or contacted me.  I told you today was it.  I am leaving tomorrow for the Thanksgiving holidays, and I won't be wasting any time communicating with people that don't mean what they say and do what they claim they'll do.  I've wasted 19 days of November on this.  Next time you talk to your idiot diplomat, tell him to head back to Togo...if the wayward bastard can find it.  Which I doubt. 

Ol' Momoh still isn't getting it:

Dear Brother, I still never hear from the diplomat, i must meet their director face to face today concerning this package ok,i will get back to you on my return.

Considering how inept and incompetent their diplomat was, I don't expect much to come from this.  But I'll give you one last chance.  Don't screw the pooch.  

Momoh is certainly persistent:

I have already tell the diplomat director that,if their diplomat can,t deliver the package they should return back the package to Africa so that i can look for another courier company that is strong to handle the delivering without fear, I am thinking maybe the diplomat is afraid of carrying the package into America to avoid money laundering case.
Let us give them from today till tomorrow and if nothing is done i will call the package back and arrange better diplomat with too much contact to avoaid fear ok.  
I'm out of town until Thursday night, so you get your chicken shit courier problem straightened out and contact me then.  

Momoh never got his chicken  sh** courier problem straightened out...


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