Psychic Not Line

I'm not psychic, but I needn't be to know that Zoltar does not find me amusing.

Nor did the following scammer, to whom I invoked Zoltar to her annoyance.  Here's how it began:

FROM MRS YEETY BAYARMAA

Dearest Beloved,

I know that this letter may be a very big surprise to you, I came across your email contact from my personal search and I instructed the doctor here in this hospital to help me email you and i believe that you will be honest to fulfill my final wish before i will die.

I am Mrs. Yeety Bayarmaa, I am 66 years old, From Mongoila, and I am suffering from a long time cancer of the breast. From all indication my condition is really deteriorating, and my doctors have courageously advised me that I may not live beyond 3 month;
this is because the cancer has reached a critical stage.

I was married to late Dr Bayramaa Altangerel, gold & diamond exportation) in Burkina Faso, West Africa, where we live all our Lives for Thirty-two years before he died in the year2004. But is quite unfortunately, He died after a Cardiac Arteries Operation that lasted only for four days.

Since his death I decided not to re-marry, I deposited all the sum of $5.8million dollars with a Bank in Ouagadougou- Burkina Faso, where we spend our life together in Burkina Faso.

Presently, this money is still in their custody, and the management just wrote me as the Legitimate beneficiary to come forward to receive the money after keeping it for so long or rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I cannot come over as a result of my illness, or they get it confiscated.

Presently, I’m with my laptop in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment. I have since lost my ability to do anything myself and my doctors have told me that I have only 3 month to live.

Now that i am about to end the race like this, without any family members and no child. It is my last wish to see that this money is invested, but you will assure me that you will take 50% of the money and give 50% to the orphanages home in your country for my heart to rest.

I want your good humanitarian, to also use this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows around. I must let you know that this was a very hard decision, but I had to take a bold step towards this issue because I have no further option. I hope you will help see my last wishes come true.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank. I will also issue you a letter of authority which will prove that you are the new beneficiary of my funds, and the documents concerning the deposit. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. Hope to hear from you soonest. I am waiting your response.  

 

 

Even my pet rock heard my mental *TOING* from across the room when I read "I know that this letter may be a very big surprise to you"...

It wouldn't have been to Zoltar.  Or Solitare.

I fancy the latter...which also pissed off Zoltar.

Phffffft.

At any rate, that guided my character's response:

No, it is not a surprise whatsoever.  I have been expecting your email.  I am a freelance free range tarot reader and turkey inseminator.
 

I know that you are not from Mongolia.  I know that you are not dying.  I know that you are not woman, hear you roar.  I know that you do not have $5.8 Million USD in a bank in an unpronounceable African town in an African country.  I know that you are sick in an integrity/moral/ethical way.  And you shouldn't have let that goat sodomize you last week.
 

As I deal the deck here to read your future, I see you being pecked to sh*t by emus.  Just thought you'd like to know in case you're drunk and oblivious, which you are frequently.
 

That will be $49.99. 
 

Zoltar of Tarot Readage

Available for parties and ostrich christenings  


That response went over poorly:


you are no christen.  

I'm not a door knob either.  


Of course, I must be at least somewhat psychic...I just knowd that the scammer wasn't going to like my response.

But she was right...I'm no 'christen'.