Is You Daid?

Sometimes, they think you're DAID.

The scammers, that is.

Mighty inconvenient for them, iffen you is.

But another kind of inconvenience can creep into their scam ploy when you ain't...but play like you is.

Here's an example from Zenith Bank (snerx) in Benin:

My name is Larry JohnI am the manager of ATM department in Zenith Bank 
plc Benin republic, am here to inform you that a man came to our office this morning his name is Mr. Ben Clopper he told us that he is your brother from your  country U.S.A he said that you are dead. Mr. Ben Clopper said that you die two months ago in a car accident on your way  going to work and before your death you told him that you have an ATM CARD worth  of
$1.5 million dollars and he  came here with $145 dollars the activation fee  of the ATM card to activate the ATM card and collect it.

If real you are dead may your soul rest in perfect peace AMEN, but if you are  alive please due call me on this phone number ( +229 67206750) and get back to  me with the $145 dollars activation fee today okay. If I did not hear from you  today with the activation fee then I will collect the $145 dollars activation fee from Mr. Ben Clopper and hand the ATM card over to him okay. Below is the information to send the $145 dollars activation fee via western 
union money transfer.

Receiver Name ….. James  Johnson
Country ….. Benin Republic
City ….. Port-Novo
Text Question ….. Yes
Text Answer ….. Yes
Amount ….. $145 usd
MTCN …..
Sender Name …..
Sender Country …..
Do have a wonderful day if you are alive but if you are dead may your soul rest
in peace (AMEN)Yours Faithfully
Mr. Larry John.
Director Swift ATM Credit Card/ Telex Dept.
Zenith Bank Plc Benin Republic  

I love how they bade me a wonderful day if alive but if I am dead may my soul rest in peace (AMEN).

Mebbe they ready for this reply...mebbe they not:

No, Ben Clopper is absolutely correct.  I died some time ago.  It is fortunate...most fortunate..that I was able to establish this contact mode via the ITC astral bridge link so as to respond to this email in a timely manure; more often than not, the ITC astral bridge link fails when contaminants to the free flow of communication between the afterworld and the physical realm are present, such as persons with dubious and odious intent in their communications for example...But yes, you are authorized to allow Ben Clopper access to the account funds.

Myra Manes,

benefactor and late relative of Ben Clopper

It was awfully nice of Wiley Coyote to stand in for Myra Manes in an illustrative manure here.

 

Especially at THAT particular moment.

 

But back to Zenith Bank in Benin, and their response to finding out that my character, while able to communicate approval of the scammer's made-up character having the fauxaccount, is in fact daid:

 

what is going on?  Are you dead or not?   (is this idiot serious?)

Deader than a can of corned beef.  How about you?  

we are serious bank we have no time for jokes.  

You want to deal with me, you'll MAKE time for them.  Did you hear the one about the skeleton that clatters into a bar and orders a beer and a mop? 

Them fellers musta heard that one before...they didn't want to speak with the dead no mores.

And I had so many more jokes to tell...
 

Not The Reply They Expected -- II

This is the alleged director of Zenith Bank, Nigeria.

*snort*

And apparently, he's even more stupid than he looks.

After the email response I sent them in Part I -- allowing the fictitious person in Califorlornia to have the faux account that Zenith Bank was trying to scam my character into believing he had -- that should have been it.  In similar scams, it had been sufficient to end the scam abruptly.

But apparently not with these nimrods.

Get a *load* of this reply:

ZENITH BANK OF NIGERIA PLC
From:  Dr. James Ovia Glory

Mobil line +(234)-812-069-5218Office +(234)-7030-775-665

   

Attention:Beneficiary Jack N. Ewehoff,

 
                                          OFFICIAL DIRECTIVES
 Thanks for your urgent notification, we are now aware that you did not
send  any MR JOHN T KEHOE to claim your award payment of
$10,000,000,00 in this bank, We have called the attention of our legal
Department and we met for over three hours Today dealing  on this
issue. We have promise to arrest Mr John knowing the fact that he will
be coming back to our office tomorrow.

Looking at the issue, It is paramount you stop dealing with any other
person in regards to this transaction expect my honorable office since
we will be investigating Mr John  after his arrest.

As the bank Procedure our legal team have required you reconfirm the
Following Data to enable us further your transaction and see to your
immediate payment.

Your Full Name:......................... .........
Your address:...................... .........
Your direct Tel Phone/Cell Phone:.................
Amount To Transfer :............................. .
Sex:.......................... ....
Age........................... .
Next of kin:..................
Attached Id:.........................
Occupation:................... ............

Your confirmation to the above will be appreciated as our legal team
are waiting in the court.

Congratulations, Congratulations, Congratulations.
Dr.James Ovia Glory
Managing Director/CEO
Zenith Bank Of Nigeria.
Zenith Bank Plc.  

 

 

LMAO...good thing Mr. John T. Kehoe is fictitious, otherwise him be in bad surprised way when he go there to collect a non-existent fund.

 

But what the heck...let's play a little.  After all, get a *load* of this official looking document they say guarantees my character this fund:

 

Ain't that all nice, neat, official looking and totally full of onyx crap?

That be an onyx, 'case you wanted to know that one could crap.

 

Anyway, we try again to okay the mythical J. T. Kehoe to have the mythical account:

 

Let me get this straight:  I tell you that it's okay for John T. Kehoe to have this account after your inquiry, and you're going to ARREST him despite my approval of him having the account?
Sorry, but just how f**ked up is that?  Perhaps you don't understand the words being typed here in English?   I okayed John T. Kehoe to have the account.  I, Jack N. Ewehoff, have officially approved him having the account.   I am me and I approve of this message.   Get this message to English comprehending members of your staff if you have any, not some onyx dung sniffers.    If you fail to properly get this read and "well understood" this time, I will have the Wikileaks dildo publish pictures of you leaving a Motel 6 in Dearborn at 3AM with the onyx pictured above.  Kapish, Bunky?


Whether he believed my character this time or not is anyone's guess; but I didn't hear no mores about this fauxaccount with Zenith.

I didn't like their TVs, either.

Not The Reply They Expected

When Zenith Bank from some dubious location in Africa writ to my character, seeking to find out if my character had authorized someone in Califorlornia to have access to $10 Million USD that belonged to my character, there was a moment that wasn't long enough for a justifiable "WTF?"

Here's their email ploy:

Zenith Bank Plc.

84 Ajose Street

Victoria Island

Lagos, Nigeria.

Mobil line +234-8120695218

Office +234-7030775665

                             CHANGES OF BENEFICIARY

Attn: Beneficiary,

This is the second time we are notifying you about this said fund. We hereby send to you the information submitted by Mr. John T. Kehoe U.S.A of California, with an application to receive your Award Payment of $10,000.000.00.on your behalf from this bank.

Please as a matter of urgency, you are required to verify the following information and inform us if you are aware or know anything about this. This morning Mr. John T. Kehoe came to the office claiming that you have instructed him to come and receive the payment on your behalf with some representatives.

I have ask them to come back tomorrow as they did not provide any power of an attorney from you which will proof that you thoroughly send them, This was to enable me contact you to verify how genuine this people are to you.

Firstly. Did you instruct one Mr. John T. Kehoe of 122 Fitch Way, Sacramento, Ca. 95864. whose information's is below, to claim and receive the payment on your behalf?

Secondly. Did you sign any 'Deed of Assignment' in his favor thereby making him the current beneficiary with the following account details:

Account Name: Mr. John T. Kehoe Group Ltd,

A/C #USD114-25567-8,

Bank Name: Bank Of America

Swift Code: SCBL 11K111.

Finally, you are hereby advised to indicate to this honorable Bank with immediate effect, if you are the person that instructed Mr. John T. Kehoe to come for the claim of your fund worth of $10,000.000.00. NOTE: your full name and telephone number is needed for communications.

We wait for your call on +234-8120695218 or email at < remittancedepartment_z@yahoo.co.za> and urgent respond to this bank so that you will be giving an immediate

Response.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. James Ovia Glory.

Head of Operations.

Zenith Bank Plc  


Now for the reply they were probably not expecting from my character:

Mr. John T. Kehoe of Califorlornia USA, is free to have the award payment of $10,000,000 that he has applied for.  I hereby do authorize and approve John T. Kehoe to have the fund, the whole fund, and nothing but the fund.  

Bank of America is free to release to this Account Name:  

Mr. John T. Kehoe Group Ltd,

A/C #USD114-25567-8,

Bank Name: Bank Of America

Swift Code: SCBL 11K111.

 

all the monies requested by Mr. John T. Kehoe of 122 Fitch Way, Sacramento, Ca. 95864.

 

This release is to be arranged soonest and has my full and irrevocable approval.

 

I have the honor to be,

Jack N. Ewehoff

******* City CO 8****

***-***-****

jacknewehoff101@hotmail.com

"Generosity is my middle name.  Who's bloody idea was that?".  

 

 

If you were thinking that this created yet another disappointed bunch of Nigerians -- as I expected it would -- we were both wrong.

PART II Follows...

 

Here We Go Again, Of Corpse

These people crack me up.  Seriously.


I love getting emails from someone asking if I'm dead.  Perhaps one of these times they won't get a reply, 'cuz I will be.






In the meantime, such an email cannot go ignored.






So for a little post Christmas nyuk nyuk, here's the email and my character's response:

Today at 6:32 AM

I am Mr David Charles

I am Mr David Charles, From zenith bank UK Limited . There is counter claims on your funds presently by one Mr. Jones Tsai,who is trying to make us believe that you are dead and even explained that you had an agreement with him, to help you in receiving your part payment of $7.5 Million US, kindly reconfirm to us, for your urgent release of the Premium immediately.Reconfirm the above information to avoid making payment to a wrong person.

Mr David Charles
Chairman Admin
zenith bank UK Limited

Mr. Jones Tsai is absolutely correct.  I died on October 29, 2014.  My funeral was on November 1 at Sea World.  Even Shamu attended.  Very moving service, albeit wet with an after smell of anchovies and all those penguins getting jammed up at the exit with their happy feet trying to get to a rest room before a penguin tsunami let go.  The seal orchestra playing "Nearer My Pier To Thee" was pretty awesome, other than when the conductor had to throw them all a fish to keep them playing in tune.  And Walter the Octopus, playing the bagpipes was incredible...until he and the bagpipes got in a fight.  That was something I was so glad to see only from above.  You might have seed it on pay-per-view.

At any rate, he can have the money.  Here on the Third Astral Plane, we have no need for such trivials.  Excuse me, I'm late for my "Life after Life" class.  

This was an uncompensated plug for Sea World, in case you work for the IRS...